I have talked a lot about my dating experiences in 2018, here
When the 'Six Degree of Separation Theory' bites you in the a**. ,
This class thing, has me thinking... ,
Rapid Dudes ,
Finance and Dating(with Black Gay Men) ,
Oh, and the conclusion to the last one being I went back, got his number when we talked on the phone. Homeboy has a girlfriend and two toddlers. I was not about to insert myself in that mix and I am sure he could sense that from me. We agreed on just being friends and grab lunch sometime, but we both knew that will never happen.
I was really exhausted with dating in 2018 and I feel 2019 isn't going to be any different with me already on my 4th L this week.
Homeboy did not show up, switched off his phone and did not reply to my msg's. Mind you, this is an adult in his late 30's and is a waiter. SMH
I did notice that 85% of my dates were blue collar workers, and they mostly had not much going for them however thought they were the shit! Let me say, I do not care about a guys income or socio-economic status just as long as he is a cool dude. I do have to revise my look/opinion on such guys and try to get other types of guys into the mix.
- Also, as some of you observe, I ALWAYS make the first move when it comes to guys. I think that's based on my looks, not classically handsome, my 'not in shape body' and Idgaf attitude about rejection. However, this year I want them to make the move on me. I know that's a long shot, but I am just exhausted of making the first move, trying to get the number, planning the dates/activities, bringing up conversation topics, and then it goes nowhere. That is ALL DONE this year!!!
- I noticed that I also approached a lot of DL and BI dudes, or attracted them. No more this year! I was coming back from a date, at an Art exhibition, with this Bi dude who was on his phone most of the time and on the way back, I asked him if he enjoyed it and he says 'Yeah, it was cool. Yo, this chic is in my DM's and I want to hook up with her but she is saying her friend also likes me, is it a set-up?' I was kinda taken aback, but shrugged it of my thinking at least he is talking about a girl he wants to fuck rather than another guy, so that's kinda ok'ish!?! #MyPoorStandards lol
- I am never getting back on the Apps. I personally feel I now notice guys around me more, than bringing out my phone every 15 min to see who is near me. Also I love the random conversations I have with dudes, we might not exchange #'s but its nice to talk and laugh over mutual interest.
- I need to work on my Attraction. I really like this post How Can I Be More Attractive? and plan on incorporating them into my life. I know I have a good/acquired sense of humor, decent smile and good people skills but I lack that certain 'je ne sais quoi' which I have to cultivate.
For now that's it, I wish Folks have better dating luck than I do/did and for those of you in relationships you berra hold on to your man, cos the single dating battlefield is brutal and merciless out here. lol
- I find it uneasy now talking about anything that relates to money eg Job, with a dude during the initial periods of getting to know each other cos within a few weeks in they ask if they can hold/borrow some money. Nah, dude I am Unemployed lol
- No more church dudes. Once a dude says to me 'God Bless you' or 'Glory be to God'.
- My attraction to really dark guys has been on overdrive. I do not know what it is, but they are like the #1 on my list before I consider any other shade.
- Speaking of dark guys Milan Christopher, is my kryptonite. Its the smile, his dark skin, shortness, the shaved head and those cakes!
- I need to be more reserved and like build mystique around me. Maximum visibility, extremely limited accessibility kinda thing.
- Last but not least, I need to listen more to my gut feeling. I might be feeling a guy but something in my gut, no matter how little, would not be right and I need to listen to it more. They have never turned out good when that gut feeling is there.
Best Posts in Forum: Dating and Relationships
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Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King have started a video series titled “The OG Chronicles.” where they answer readers questions and give them advice. The first question is from someone looking for advice on how to spice up their relationship. Oprah said not all roads lead to sexy town, contrary to popular thinking:
“Once I tried this, this was so many years ago, and I got the whole negligee thing and I’m standing at the stairs when he comes in, and he literally comes in—Steadman—and he walks right past me and he says, ‘What are you doing?’”
Gayle agrees: “I got one better, wrapped myself up with Saran Wrap—”
Oprah: “No you didn’t"
Gayle: “Yes I did, when I was married, put on a trench coat, he came home, [I say] ‘Ta-da!’ and he went, ‘What is that?’ So that’s not good for your ego.”
Oprah’s real advice on the matter is very sensible, which is that one should ask one’s partner what is sexy to them, She also suggests making food:
“For me, I gotta say, making cornbread kind of serves the purpose. I made some cornbread yesterday, and you woulda thought I stripped myself butt-naked.”
Your partners are men so the answer/s is simple (take note) SUCK DICK and EAT ASS.
Dear Jamari Fox,
A few months ago, I was introduced to your blog and instantly became a fan. This is the first black gay blog that I have ever been exposed to and I’m here for it!
I am emailing you to seek your opinion on love. I once believed in love until all my recent encounters with men. I have dated within and out of my race (Black). Dating within my race, I end up with a men who don’t know what it is they want out of relationships, has problems with their masculinity, massive manipulators. Dating outside of my race, I end up with two good healthy relationships but we just did not connect on a cultural level. Personally, I believe it is hella important to have that cultural connection in a relationship.
I don’t think I ask for much in a relationship. I want someone who is honest, supportive, trustworthy, lovable, and someone who is ambitious on reaching success (whatever that looks like for them).
To make a long story short, it has been hit or miss even with the guys close to my age and older. I’m aware the problem could be myself, the people I attract, or both. I don’t want to just give up completely on love but…(shrug)
I battle with if it is possible to find black gay love? Find someone who doesn’t lie, manipulate, cheat, or intentionally try to hurt you? Maybe you will have some answers for me because I’m sure someone has posed this question before me. Can’t wait to hear your response.
MY ANSWER…thank you for the compliment!
so let’s get into it.out,
A majority of black gay males don’t know what “love” is
kinda out but in,whatever…
some black gay males are really difficult to love.why?
we can’t do something some of us never been taught to do
most black gay males come from very toxic and abusive situations.
and bullies can do a number on us.
we end up attracting what we “know” into our adult relationships.
we have held onto that hurt and expunge it every chance we get.
i often ask myself in regards to the black gay community…
Do black gay males really love each other?
we have an idea,
but most of us don’t execute it well.
i’ve seen a lot of black gays love tf outta beyonce or nicki.
it’s only because they help some of them tap into that inner “diva”.
but it’d be nice if we showed that same support to each other tho.
blacks are known as a very “crab in the barrel” culture.
being gay can be much worse in that barrel.
we gotta deal with the straights and other gays pulling us down,
while the others stand above laughing and knocking us down even further.
it’s a lot.
we’ve mastered the art of dragging each other,
or learning how to suck the soul out of a dick,
but most of us lack the traits to truly recognize and give love.
we have it confused with fuckin’ like we love each other.
if you’ve noticed,
being gay means to be very sexualized so that’s how we express “love”.
we express it so much that we end up rode hard and hung up wet too.
so before we start fonting about finding “black gay love”,
the rest of the community needs to get it together.
we would be so powerful if we did.
i believe you know what you want,
but the ones you attracted didn’t.
some of the gays in other races have different up bringings,
but they were taught in a bubble and be culturally ignorant.
they gotta pop that bubble and re-learn how their privilege effects “us”.
i hope your “next” will want to experience love with you.
they might need to be taught and open to it.
the walls have to be brought down until they see the light.
many of us are ignorant and need to be led to understanding.
we all have to start somewhere.
keep your head up and i hope you find what you’re looking for.
f0xmail: will i ever find that "black gay love" thing? | inside jamari fox
So I ran into this dude during my after work commute,my type short about 5'7, nice smile and a mean back curve CAKES! lol. So in typical me fashion, I strike up a convo and give him my # to hangout. Few weeks later, we at this bar and I run into an old acquaintance from collage who is now a Doctor, Neurology. We start catching up, while the dude I was with was at the bar getting drinks...
Acquaintance ; Is that the guy you interested in?
Me; Yeah (smiling)
Acquaintance; I see you haven't changed at all, still up to your same ways(laughs).
Me: What does that mean?
Acquaintance; No offence, but he is Ghetto.
Me; *Pauses* That's a very rude and classist thing to say.
Acquaintance; C'mon, you know me. I am from a lower middle class home, I grew up around dudes like him but after a while you have to step it up. If you want something serious. I mean what does he do for a living?
Me; He is a security guard at the moment, also that has never mattered to me.
Acquaintance; Ok, if you say so (what a 'oh poor you' look on his face)
Dude comes over with the drinks smiling and even got one for the acquaintance (In my mind I go, If you only knew what he just said about you) and starts chatting with him. When the acquaintance leaves, homeboy says 'oh he seems really nice, I had a good conversation with him'. No, he was just being patronizing( said in my head).
Later, I find out that said acquaintance is with a TV host on a big network.
It got me thinking about Wealthy dude from before( Finance and Dating(with Black Gay Men) ). I mean we vibed, but I was nowhere near his class or finances, which I think played a role in the distancing.
A dudes class has never mattered to me, however as I am getting older and wouldn't mind something long term or of substance I don't know if it is something I should start considering.
Oh well, in the mean time let me go holla at this dude I saw at the cash register at Whole Foods. lol
- Thread: Down With The Swirl: Openly Gay Rapper EarthTone Debuts White Boyfriend on Reality Web Series!!!
I thought I remember EarthTone being with a black man some years ago when @Nick Delmacy and @OckyDub interviewed him when they used to do podcasts on Cypher Avenue. Turns out he has been cast on a web reality series with his new White boyfriend on YoBoiNewNue YouTube channel!
EarthTone and his Vanilla bae:
EarthTone Newest Music Video "Hurry Up":
- Thread: The Skin Deep
This was really nice. I like to listen and learn from couples to hopefully apply it someday. I also like how they complement each other so well and they do not fit into this rigid Masculine for Masculine that gay dudes crave so much to their determent, they are just like 'Hey whats up'.
- Thread: The one who got away
Does anyone has someone they haven't spoken to in years, that they still think of. Even when you dealt with other people since then. I don't understand why someone I didn't even sleep with or kiss keeps popping up in my mind. He was the 1st person I caught serious feelings for way back in 2010. We were both 17 and our friendship started off very innocent. Eventually we would start making time just to hangout with each other. Being that young we were both was scared about catching feelings for men. as our friendship progressed he tried to sleep with me a few times. But I was terrified, and he was known as the man back in High school, so he had a "image" to uphold. After I admitted to him that I liked him he started to impregnate multiple girls trying to hide this info from me , while becoming very hot and cold towards me. After I found out he was having a child, I cut him off. I just don't understand why do I keep thinking of him
I remember many years ago listening to comedian Jerry Seinfeld in which he humorously mentions what he thinks is one of the greatest benefits of being a gay man in a relationship with another man. He stated that if he and the other man were about the same size in stature; he would be elated because his wardrobe would instantly double. He stated he would have access to new shirts, shoes, pants, etc. and save a fortune.
Years later, I’ve seen countless memes and social media postings from straight men complaining about their girlfriends wearing or taking their sweat shirts and hoodies. I can’t recall hearing these type of complaints from non-heterosexual dudes and I wondered what could be the reason/s behind this.
Could one reason be because many gay dudes are perpetually single and serial daters? Granted, we’ve all seen photos and know of plenty of happily married gays or dudes in long term relationships. Nonetheless; it’s also known that many men don’t make it past the first date, a hookup or a one month time span. So understandably no shirts nor house keys will be shared.
On a personal level, my partner is bigger than myself but I have from time to time found myself (out of necessity) wearing his dress shirts, pants, dress shoes underwear and socks. Long term relationships are possible, so if it’s something you’re seeking, could you one day see yourself sharing cloths with your partner?
Read the whole post here.
I would totally date a first or second generation African if they weren't so damaged and paranoiac about anyone from their home country finding out they are gay/bisexual. Same with Jamaicans and other islanders. Dem nikkas got issues!!!
Also, I know they exist but I have yet to meet a fem queen African in America. Africans and Islanders in America be masc & chill AF. But you need a Masters Degree in psychology just to take them seriously in gay dating.
I remember the interview @Ockydub had with a gay islander, shit was sad.
Also, there was my interview with a gay black man in London with African parents. He's still closeted to this day.
Am I alone with this way of thinking?
I found this article on about a cute black gay couple.
What yall think about them and their story? @Champagne_Papi @takeyourmeds91 @sekou @NikR @Infinite_loop @DreG @Luke Evergreen @Rio, @OhSheit @African King @RolandG @ControlledXaos @Dante @SB3, @BlackExcellence, @BlackguyExecutive, @Omega Level, @DC, @NickAuzenneNOLA, @Ockydub, @Nick Delmacy
People Can't Handle This Couple's Truly Inspiring Love Story
"Falling in love with another black man was scary in ways neither of us could have ever imagined."
Posted on June 14, 2017, at 5:08 p.m.
Sarah Karlan | BuzzFeed News Reporter
Nick Gilyard, 25, and his boyfriend Dominic Spence, 27, have known each other since they were teenagers.
They were recently featured on thewaywemet Instagram account, which chronicles couples' (usually very adorable) love stories.
"Dominic and I met as teenagers. We went to different high schools but they were close in proximity, so we had a lot of mutual friends," their story begins. "High school was also the time period in which we both came out to our families, although at separate times and unknowingly of each other's personal journeys."
According to the caption, the couple's first date lasted for several hours until the bar closed down. They would endure seven years of long distance in several different cities before finally landing together. Spence proposed during a visit to London in 2015 — Gilyard said yes.
But both of them had doubts that they would ever find such a fairy-tale ending. Gilyard noted in the Instagram post that "falling in love with another black man was scary in ways neither of us could have ever imagined."
Dominic and I feel lucky to have found love at such a young age. However, falling in love with another black man was scary in ways neither of us could have ever imagined. It forced us to face the very real resistance from society for being not only homosexuals but black men as well. We had to confront the stereotypes of being largely defined as uneducated, disloyal, untrustworthy, and unreliable individuals. But together we chose to rise above those prejudices and rewrite our own story- one of inspiration. We want others to see that our union is marked by achievement, love, friendship, respect, and unconditional support. We hope to encourage other black and brown men and boys everywhere to be true to who they are. And when they find love in each other's eyes, to know that their love is just as strong and beautiful as anyone else's.
"It is easy to feel unwanted as a black man in America and the same can be said for being queer," Gilyard told BuzzFeed News. "When you exist at that kind of an intersection, it's easy to feel as if you'll never find someone to love you or even fully love yourself."
"Which makes the idea of two gay black men finding love in one another so powerful. To do so is to be completely confident in your blackness and queerness which grants you the freedom to fully express yourself. It's not easy, but it is liberating."
"We hope to encourage other black and brown men and boys everywhere to be true to who they are," he added. The post has been liked over 15,000 times and received a number of supportive comments — and a few negative comments as well.
We do sometimes get negative comments on our posts or will see someone reshare our photo with a negative caption," Gilyard explained. "We have a rule to never engage personally with negativity and hope that sets an example for other people who might fall victim to cyberbullying."
The couple regularly receives messages of support or requests for relationship advice from their followers. The most moving message came from a mother in Alabama whose son had recently come out to her.
"She had come across a photo of Dominic and I together and wanted to know how she could best support her son," explained Gilyard. "Even though she knew little about the LGBT community and feared how he would be treated."
The couple hopes that anyone who comes across their story walks away feeling empowered to "love fiercely and unapologetically."
Their advice for other people currently in long-distance relationships? Communication.
"We each lost a parent when we were very young and have made a promise to ourselves and each other to never take our time together for granted," Gilyard explained.
"Communication is essential," Spence added. "Not only in difficult times but even when things are going well. Something we started doing a few years ago was random text messages of gratitude followed by #ReasonWhyILoveYou."
Gilyard and Spence will be tying the knot next month surrounded by friends and family in Miami Beach, Florida. The officiant will be Gilyard's high school mentor, who was also a science teacher at Spence's high school.
Their Engagement Photos!
Was talking to one of my homegirls today and we joked about her being near "cougar" age (she's 37). She said she would NEVER date anyone near her little brother's age (he's 26 years old). "That's just weird," she said.
Playing Devil's Advocate (like I always do), I asked her, "What if he was a 25 year old, over 6 foot tall, muscular, personal trainer with a full beard who wanted to take care of you?"
Bruh...The long pause that followed was epic.
She laughed and admitted that she would just use him for sex, nothing more.
Then she said, "Personal Trainers and Bartenders are the biggest male hoes" so she would never seriously date any of them.
Is there truth to this?
While I can see why ppl would think Personal Trainers and Bartenders are whores, most that I've met (straight and gay) actually complain about being single a lot because they say ppl are too intimidated to spit game at them.
Are there certain professions, careers and jobs that a dude can have that would make you think he's a whore, game player, or Playboy?
My answer would be yes...
Many of them gay I.T. nikkas are BOUGIE WHORES!
Whether they live in ATL, DC, Texas, etc...They hoes! LOL
They make a lot of money, they stay in the Mall buying expensive trendy clothes, and they stay on Jack'd/Grindr and they be the main ones talking about "no dark skin, no fat, no fem, no bottoms, must be this, must be that, etc." I promise you if he wear a $200-$500 belt and a tight V-Neck sweater showing off tribal chest tattoos in a gay club, he's most likely in I.T. or some kind of computer/tech related field...and he's got a HIGH AZZ BODY COUNT!
[Yes this is a generalization thread, who cares. lol]
Came across this article. Found it interesting;
I’m quickly approaching my 25th birthday and have come to the realization that I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. And not for lack of trying. That's not uncommon among millennials, but as a Black gay man, I've begun to wonder how my race has affected my chances of finding love.
I like to think of myself as someone who’s adventurous when it comes to love and sex, someone who’d never rule out potential partners or new experiences. But when I discussed my issue with friends, other queer men of color, they all said I have a type: white men. I tried to deny it, but when I thought about my dating history, I realized that my friends were right. While I may flirt or develop friendships with other Black gay men, I’ve never seriously pursued a relationship with one.
When I’m on Tinder, the men I’m more likely to swipe right are usually athletic white men between 21 and 30. And when I scroll through Grindr’s grid of faceless torsos, I find myself only messaging guys with complexions lighter than a paper bag. Even in person, when I’m trying to muster up the courage to talk to a cute guy, I first wonder if he’s "into black guys." I hate myself for even having to contemplate these things, and I’m now left asking myself:Why am I not drawn to other men of color?
And the more I think about it, the more complicated the answer seems.
I grew up closeted in a very religious community. The only gay people I saw in the media were white, and the few Black queer celebrities that I knew of, like Wanda Sykes and Michael Sam, were in interracial relationships. My childhood in the Black church led me to believe that Black people were inherently homophobic — a myth — and that the only Black men who were gay were on the down low or infected with HIV — also a myth.
Within my own family, I had two gay uncles who died of AIDS-related illnesses before I was 10. They were estranged from our family, partly because of their health and their sexual orientation. I never had the chance to speak to either one while they were alive, but I often wonder what advice or mentorship they could have provided me as a young Black gay male coming of age in such a sheltered environment.
When I finally came out in college, I was at a predominantly white school. Many queer folks were closeted, and of the few who were out, most of them were white. After graduating, I moved to New York, and though here I was able to find queer friends who are also people of color, we are still always in the minority at gay bars and clubs.
A friend of mine, who is Latino, once asked why I didn't approach Black men in bars. I replied, "Look around — I'm one of three Black guys here." There’s a clear lack of queer spaces in POC communities, and that definitely affects the ability of men of color to meet one another. But while the absence of queer POC-centric establishments is definitely an issue, many of the other Black men I see at gay bars around Manhattan and Brooklyn are booed up with white men, too. Could we all be perpetuating internalized racism by consciously, or even unconsciously, excluding Black men and other men of color as romantic prospects? And in doing that, are we only reinforcing the politics of desire that deem Black people less attractive?
When I read a recent essay by Michael Arceneaux, his words hit me hard. He questioned why Black men in particular want so desperately to be acknowledged as desirable by white men who have no interest in dating outside their race. He wrote, "As Black men, we need to value ourselves so much that no outside force, no prejudice — even one guised as preference — can make us feel second place." Clearly, this dialogue wasn’t only happening in my head.
A larger conversation about the racist, fat-phobic, and misogynist language of gay dating apps has also begun, which has allowed me to see that my dating prospects may also be a result of problematic societal messaging. Statements like "no fats or fems" or "no Blacks or Asians" litter profiles in hookup communities on Grindr, Jack'd, and similar platforms. Thankfully, marginalized queer communities have started to call out those hurtful comments as acts of discrimination rather than statements of preference. All of this has shed a glaring light on my internal struggle.
About a year ago, I came across an article entitled "28 Questions for Black Men Who Only Date White Men." Each question from the article was a damning indictment of my apparently not-so-simple dating choices. Do you feel more attractive dating white men? How do you view yourself? These questions forced me to think critically about my intentions with the relationships I sought out.
The truth is, I am insecure about my Blackness — which is painful and embarrassing to admit. As a Black writer who writes about issues of race and culture, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of hypocrisy when it comes to my dating habits.
As a dark-skinned Black man, I have faced both overt and subtle instances of racism from white gay men. The ways in which I have been objectified and fetishized by them has often made me feel that I’m only good enough for sex and not for a relationship. I’ve received messages that said, "I love BBC," or "I never been with a Black guy before," or, on the opposite end of the "no Blacks" spectrum, I've seen white men who are "not into white guys, sorry."
When I'm dating a white man, I occasionally feel like I need to confront the issue of race head-on and acknowledge the difference in life experiences between me and my partner. It can be frustrating, but also deeply enriching, to teach someone about my cultural upbringing. But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting a partner who can relate to me without needing to be taught. I’ve become increasingly drawn to the concept of Black love, which celebrates Black couples and affirms Black pride within relationships, and I eventually want to experience this.
There are also times when I feel like my white partners are trying to overcompensate for their whiteness. They start social justice conversations, bringing up racism and homophobia almost as if they're trying to prove how down they are. It makes me wonder why they’re interested in me. Are they using me as an experimental phase? Does it give them a sense of moral superiority around other white people, as if they are more progressive? Does it make them feel less guilty about gentrifying the neighborhood?
My understanding of relationships is developing, as is my knowledge of race, but I’m still unpacking how my sexuality really relates to my Blackness. As I continue on this road to self-discovery and acceptance, I often think about my gay uncles who died, and I wish they could have been a part of this journey.
Now that I’m aware of my pattern, I’ve had to confront my own personal feelings of anti-Blackness and internalized racism, which has made it difficult for me to love other Black men and love myself. These feelings of self-loathing have not only affected my ability to develop intimate relationships with other Black men, but also friendships. My insecurities about my identity are hard to talk about and even harder to write about, and it’s increasingly exhausting to engage in this dialogue with Black men who don’t get it or white men who don’t understand it, either.
At the end of the day, I’m not ashamed to have dated white men, and I’ll continue to do so. Who I do or do not date isn’t going to solve racism, but if I really am as woke as I say am, I have to unpack how my Blackness and queerness influence the way I see myself and potential partners. I want to be able to wait patiently for the partner I both desire and deserve, and to welcome him in whatever form he comes. But I know it’s not that simple. Maybe I’ll have to be single a little longer until I have a better understanding of myself — and I’m starting to realize that that’s okay, too.
I'm curious to know if any of you have ever dated a guy that seemed almost perfect, but just had one or two things or ways about them that you just couldn't get over. There's one guy I was dating that would be ideal, but I put him in the friend box pretty quickly. Why? He has the voice. lol. I knew it within moments of us sitting down at the bar we initially met at, but kept going out with him cuz he is mad cool and I really have a good time with him. (We haven't had sex, but have been intimate and the head skills are lacking, so that alone is potentially an issue. lol)
Then there's another guy I dated. This was basically one of those guys that always knew he was gay, but was a jock all his life. Looking at him, he's all dude. Nice worked out legs and booty, goatee, swag and all. He's into guy stuff...sports, cars, games, etc., but he's also one of those types that became very comfortable with his sexuality and just kinda "lets his hair down" sometimes. He says "chiiiiile," in a high voice but his voice is deep. And speaking of voice, he has a touch of the voice too that comes out more strongly at times. And I picked up on excessive hand gesturing during conversation.
I kinda feel bad, because I'm not one to discriminate or be superficial and all. But is it ok to just prefer that a dude talks like a "regular" dude and not have the urge to "queen" out? What is an acceptable level of "gay" that you could deal with before its a dealbreaker?
As I've emerged from the shadows over the last 10 days or so and started reading and responding to more threads and posts, one trait that many of the squad members' exhibit is any easy confidence and self-assured manner. I find self-confidence very attractive. That got me thinking.
I am a fairly self-confident guy. It's not arrogance, hubris or even an over the top personality. I am simply comfortable in my own skin. I find that this trait has served me well in the friend zone. It hasn't always been a winner in the dating world, however. In the dating world, for me at least, a show of confidence has sometimes led potential candidates to be controlling (or at least make an attempt to be controlling), which invariably kills the party with a quickness.
For you, when considering potential candidates for dating, is self-confidence likely to draw you in, serve as a personal challenge to harness it, or cause you to turn tail and run in the opposite direction?
- Thread: Looks
So you are see this dude and he's cool as a fan, hitting the majority of, if not all of your check marks and you find out he's had some surgical enhancement. Not enough where it's obvious but say before, he was flat chested and had implants that just gave him nicer pecs. Sure he still works out but I just wanted a boost.
Or perhaps he wanted a nicer butt going from two bricks on the wall (lol @alton ) to a nice onion but nothing you couldn't see on any other dude. Maybe he had a little lipo to get his stomach flat or got a penis enlargement. Or stomach etching.
Again he didn't get anything done where it's obvious, he's only admitted it to you.
I would not have a problem with it myself. If this brings someone more confidence and self esteem, why not? Women are always running to get boobs and butts done and there's a growing market for male procedures now. As long as it doesn't turn into something where the fixing is always via surgery is always the solution because that's an addiction we have all seen in the public.
Let's me be clear here. I'm not one for a dude making his lips more plump, butt injections on really disproportionate levels, or along the lines of synthlol injections.
- Thread: Marriage Is Boring
I found this article to be pretty interesting. While the article is geared towards straight people there are some universal truths. @ockydub or any other members in a long term relationship or marriage any thoughts?
"Marriage is the establishment of routine, the elimination of mystique about significant others, the mundanity of commitment. A lot of married people go out of their way to make marriage seem attractive. We tell our single homies marriage means you get to WAKE UP! EVERY DAY! NEXT TO YOUR BEST FRIEND! There is that. But most days? There are no trumpets accompanying that moment. Just morning breath.
So it is true, in a sense, that marriage is boring and unmysterious. For me, however, this is all its charm"
"Master of None" was right: Marriage is boring. | truly tafakari
- Thread: Love Yaself First
Now that Cuffin’ Season 2015 is upon us, its time for the single gay men of the world to get booed up for these cold winter months. But how much are you willing to spend to find him?
Before you can get to the point where you can ‘Netflix and Chill’ with a dude (aka pretend to watch a movie and instead have sex a third of the way through), you must meet one another in a public place at least one time. Historically, this meeting has been called a Date. As we all know, gay men are VERY afraid of this word, instead they like to say they’re “just hanging out.”
Even if you just meet in a parking lot to talk and get to know one another, that’s a date!
The question is, however, how much should you spend on a First Date?
Recently I got into a heated debate with a black gay man from D.C. who said that spending $200 on a first date is not only average, it’s on the low end.
Then I read this article on the topic posted by a heterosexual black man on SingleBlackMale.org:
If you want to date in a major city, be prepared to spend a pretty penny. Don’t let money control your decisions on the date. The way to be a gentleman is to figure out what she wants out of a date and do that. Don’t worry about the cost. Again, if you’re worried about the cost, you shouldn’t be dating. They say, “if you don’t got it, you don’t got it” for a reason.Personally, there’s no way that I’m spending $200-$250 on a FIRST DATE with a guy that I just met. I don’t care how many other suitors he has that would do that and more. It’s not about the money, its about… You know what, fuck that…it IS about the money. Spending $200 to wine and dine a dude that I might not even want a SECOND date with is insane.
When an article was published that stated the average man in DC spends $177 on a date, I thought to myself, “Sounds about right.” I did some quick math with a friend of mine.
Dinner for 2 at Oya followed by some fun activities in Chinatown DC:
Pre-dinner drinks: $10 x 2 = $20
Appetizers, entrees an dessert: $50 x 2 = $100
Drinks during dinner: $20 x 2 = $40
Fun and games at Penn Social (a bar with arcade games): $60
UberX the two of you home: $30
Total Cost: $250
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that a man really doesn’t have to do all that on a first date. And you’re right, you don’t. The problem is, I will. It’s not just about me; it’s that other men will do that too. They will put their all into a date to make a woman feel special. Men are competitively raising the bar every day to separate themselves from the pack.
Secondly, does that total imply that I’m paying for everything? Granted, the above calculations were made by a heterosexual man taking a woman out on the town. So it (sorta) makes sense that he would pay her way. As a gay man, I don’t follow those heteronormative customs.
I can’t imagine another dude paying for everything on a first date with me, I wouldn’t feel comfortable about that as a man…or even vice versa. I’m not treating you when I don’t even know you.
If we’re going out, we’re dutch…or we’re alternating the costs. If I take care of the Movie Tickets, he always offers to buy the concession items. If I offer to pay for the dinner, he always offers to take care of the drinks.
I know there are some hot-bodied gay men out there seem to attract the Down Low Pro Athletes, the Down Low Musicians and the Down Low Preachers who have deep wallets and want to spoil them on a first date, but that ain’t me.
And we’re talking about a FIRST DATE!
Some of you might be calling me cheap…Yes, I am!
I’m also a casual dater. If I’m first dating upwards of 3-4 different people every other week, that’s over 2 stacks just to “get to know” some strangers that I’m not even having sex with yet.
Bruh, I live in Atlanta where there are TONS of great inexpensive things to do while determining if you two are a match.
Here’s my own calculations:
Dinner followed by dope conversation at a sports bar:Even multiplied by 2, that’s still less than $125.
Entree: $25 x 1 = $25 (no appetizers and dessert for me, I don’t show up on a date starving)
Drink during dinner: $10 x 1 = $10
Head to a sports bar for drinks: $20
Total Cost: $55
And granted this may not sound like a very elaborate or romantic date, that’s because it’s not supposed to be. I’m not going out with Beyonce or Michelle Obama, I’m meeting up with another DUDE (that I barely know) for the first time. One that I may never see again afterward.
Here’s another one I’ve been known to use in my arsenal:
Lunch followed by dope conversation while browsing at a bookstore (yes, they still exist):First date. Simple. Ample time to talk and get to know one another. I could do this all day.
Lunch: $15 x 1 = $15
Dope convo walking around a bookstore (or mall) with coffee: $5
Total Cost: $20
My theory is if you need to spend $250 to impress a dude enough to go out on a SECOND date with you, that says a lot about the lack of confidence you have in your personality, looks and quality of conversation.
Anyway, what are your thoughts?
How much would you spend on a first date with another gay man?
Who should pay the bill?
Read the whole post here.
- Thread: So I’m Now In the Friendzone
In an environment where there are social limitations and slim pickings of men of quality when does one cross the line selfishly in their own pursuit of “happiness”? The intro may be a bit verbose but what an opener, right! People are led to do certain things by design. Whether if it’s motivated by either need or necessity. The law of attraction promotes coupling in some sort or fashion. Causally dating, being a serial dater, or open to the possibilities of something more long term are all a la carte. Most radically, when are friends of a friend or even an ex of a friend off the menu altogether?
I’m much closed for I’m very guarded. I don’t allow many in my circle for I figure being selective is a certainly a smart thing to be generally. As a result, I have very few limited options in meeting people socially. I sometimes receive an extended invite to a house party or some other “exclusive” event. I feel madd awkward for I don’t wish to draw any added attention so I try to fade in the background. It never fails (believe you me I am humbled by the gesture) that I get approached. I’d consider myself to be cordial and welcoming for I know it takes some courage (liquid or otherwise) to step up to spark up some convo. Then it feels “uncomfortable” when there’s a more expressed interest beyond the small talk. I think of that line from Biggie’s Big Poppa.
Who they attractin with that line, “What’s your name what’s your sign?”
Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind
And ask what your interests are, who you be with
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial
I’m no nonsense to a fault. Maybe it’s the New Yorker in me or maybe it’s maturity in knowing what I want to deal with and what I don’t. So, I am quick to politely rebuff when it’s going in a different direction. It becomes more awkward when a friend of a friend steps up with an aim to exchange numbers.
I’m loyal almost to a fault. I will even admit there have been a few occasions when they were hot as fuck. I stood strong and didn’t take the bait. Temptation is a bitch, I tell you. It is easier to do the wrong which makes it so much harder to do the right thing. We are men. By design we are visual and respond to external stimuli. Yo, if the breeze hit me in just the right spot…. #Eggplant Friday and I’ll post my pic. “Name something you do for likes on Instagram”…sounds more like a top eight answer on Family Feud. Post a dick print pic…(DING, third answer). SMH. Kidding aside, it’s about your make up….your character.
Drawn from one of my experiences, there was one special man that I was dating, Eugenio. We had so much in common, sexually compatible and one of the best super extreme likes I ever had. In time it could have developed into love. The trust was certainly there. One of the most memorable times for me was when I helped take care of him when he was sick with a really bad cold…runny nose and all. Those are the moments when your will is bent on doing the right thing. Whatever gesture it is from the corazón (the heart). Whether it’s giving money without asking for it back, a late night rescue due to car trouble, being present and supportive, simply listening without judgment or offering your unsolicited opinion; it appeared as though it was emotionally mutual for sure. Feelings were rapidly developing as it seems the next step was making a statement for a committed monogamous situation. This was something he didn’t want. He quickly wanted to move letters around like SCRABBLE to redefine us and our interaction. So, I became FWB (friends with benefits). Then the sex was too much to handle so I was demoted back into the Friend Zone.
Eugenio was really important to me and I cared for him a great deal. I had to make the adjustment and it wasn’t easy. I knew that he still maintained a relationship with his ex, Dre’. I had zero problems with that. In fact, I was later introduced to Dre’. He is a solid guy. In fact, once, we doubled dated. It was Eugenio and I, Dre’ and a new guy that he was dating. We went out bowling and had a decent time. That asshole Dre’ dated was rude as fuck and was throwing shots at me by calling me Fat Joe because it was the only Latino male reference he knew. Dude, really? Yo soy Dominicano, cabron. No soy Puertorriqueño…he was checked by Eugenio and Dre’ for being disrespectful. That shit wasn’t funny that we all agreed. Then things took amazing turn left when Eugenio later confessed that he had a problem with the new guy Dre’ was dating. Seeing them together really made him feel some kind of way.
After bowling, I was dropped off. Little did I know the evening would take a downward turn for Eugenio. The evening resulted in Eugenio getting madd drunk, fucking someone else that night on a pool table, disrespecting me and the coup de gras – getting into a physical fight with Dre’. The day after Eugenio felt awful. He felt like shit and the guilt mixed with other emotions made him feel empty and dark. I felt “something” so I wanted to check on him. I took public transportation (a 2 hour trek) to his place to see him. He wasn’t too happy to see me and didn’t want to discuss much about the night before. He offered to drive me home. I empathized with him and it broke my heart to see him in so much pain. I felt it. So, after I got out the car, I had a sense that whatever he needed to work through was going to take some time. Time created distance between us. I hadn’t heard from him in a month or so. I figured I was on time out. I didn’t want to make it about me so I complied.
Later, I was feeling a bit lonesome and needed to reconnect with someone. There was this chat line that was popular at the time. I used the free time for signing up new just to listen to some messages. During the screening process there was a lone standout- a naturally masculine guy who seemed direct like me. That was all nice though I will admit there was a sense of sincerity that drew me in. So, I left him a voice message. He must have been online still for shortly after I received a message back. It was him and he left a phone number. I called him that evening. The conversation lasted for 2 hours. We discussed background, interests, family, and work. It felt so good to engage and he made it so easy. I was comfortable to be honest. When we discussed past relationships is when a flag was raised. Wouldn’t you know this new guy I am sharing and conversing is Dre’? WTF and what are the odds? There was some embarrassment for I had no idea. He later admitted that he thought it may have been me because of my NY accent. We had a hearty laugh for the conversation didn’t get inappropriate. I didn’t realize how cool he was. When I was first introduced to “the ex” it was more important for me to not make the evening at all feel awkward. I felt affirmed that Eugenio and I was in a great place for me to be introduced to Dre’. I understood how important Dre’ was for there was history there. I thought there was progress for us to be out on a double date of all things. Dre’ and I kept it friendly and talked maybe once a week.
Two months later, it happened, I got a call from Eugenio. I was so glad to hear from him for I did miss him, his company, and the convo. He sounds better and seemed to be in an improved headspace. We picked up right from where we left off. The contact resumed and strengthened. We began to email each other at work over the business mail server exchange throughout the day. One day, while at work, I mentioned that Dre’ and I ended up meeting in a most unconventional way. We maintained contact and never discussed dating. (Insert record scratch) Oh, shit and ring the alarm! In his response, I got a seasoned email full of expletives of “Fuck You and Him! You niggas are not compatible! You both tops! Are you that desperate to date my ex?!?” Ouch. I was at a loss for I wasn’t expecting that response. Even though his response was a bit over reactive and very disturbing, I understood his anger and the fear. The fear of knowing possibly two special men in his life potentially getting together could piss anyone the fuck off for that was outside of his control. Again, my mentioning the occurrence was my being casually honest. I tried to explain that Dre’ and I linking up wasn’t the case or happening but he wasn’t hearing it.
Dre’ and I mutually thought it would be best if we don’t communicate at all. I deleted his number and there was no social media contact out of respect and love of this man that we both cared about. The situation was complicated and honestly there are no regrets. Love is sacrifice. In the grand scheme of things, I do believe that was the right thing to do. I have never reached out or thought about reaching out to Dre’ even after all of these years.
Many guys aren’t respectful in that they don’t honor those types of relationships and boundaries. It’s all about gratification and seeking out what I want and what I can get. Aside from that, it’s even common for best friends now to once have “messed around” with each other early on. Actually, this testimonial is inspired from a conversation I had with one of my boys about the merits of true friendship. I recognize that friendship and special bonds are important to me. I recognize the special ones that are called friend are few and far between with me in this life.
Read the whole post here.
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