CA Podcast #60 – The “Versatile Guys Mess It Up For Everyone” Episode

By Cypher Avenue | Posted Jan 17 2017 | 6 Comments  

CA-podcast60

Brehs, we present to you a new episode of the CYPHER AVENUE PODCAST where you’ll hear us give updates, engage in heated topic debates, interviewing interesting homosexual men of color and us verbally adding on to the articles posted on the website. The episodes will be available in four ways: You can listen to them on the site, watch on YouTube, download a MP3 version or subscribe to us on iTunes or YouTube for automatic updates!

In this podcast, Cypher Avenue co-founders Ocky Williams and Nick Delmacy discuss the struggles of Total Tops and Dating in 2017.

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CYPHER AVENUE PODCAST #60

 

About the Author
Cypher Avenue

Cypher Avenue is a direct response to the lack of a single website on the Internet catering to gay/bisexual men that love hip hop, pop culture, video games, sci-fi and mature, open minded conversations. Topics ranging from sex, sports, movies, new tech, science, fashion, comic books, politics, working out, hip hop, booze, television, cars, the outdoors, geek stuff, dating, and relationships; you name it, we have it.

   
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6 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. RolandG
    RolandG | January 17th, 2017
    0

    I agree with @Ockydub , this text dating needs to come to an end real soon. What would happen if there was no dating sites, hookup apps etc. for 6 months. How would black gay men date or interact without any digital assistance? If I were honest, I would say black gay men are lazy daters. You have the homebodys who won't get out of the house to meet anybody and then you have the "only hosting" guys who won't even leave their house for a hookup much less an actual date. We just plain ole fashioned lazy as hell and unwilling to put forth any effort to get to know anyone. Throw on top of that the whole bottom, verse and top dynamic and it's easy to see why so many of us can't find a man.

  2. African King
    African King | January 18th, 2017
    +2

    I am so down for dudes my age to stop texting and talk on the damn phone. So many misconstrued messages happen with texting instead of talking and/or meeting face-to-face.

    I am glad to hear the quality of the new microphones! Loving it!

    As far as @Ockydub talking about his relationship and then @Nick Delmacy speaking on his dating experiences, y'all just gotta be open about it! No one is telling Nick to just say the names of everyone he sees but find a way that listeners can leave with something and learn from you.

  3. DC.
    DC. | January 25th, 2017
    0

    I think that when it comes to dating, I agree texting allows getting to know people at times to be impersonal. However the sad thing is many guys out there especially these millenials dont even know truth be told how to hold a phone conversation which is why so many of them shy away from it which is quite sad. But I think when it comes to dating, people do need to enjoy it and go with the flow…… To an extent!!! Because I do believe portions of it should be intentional.

    Too many people out here dating with no guidance. But I also believe if we want to meet good quality guys, we need to first be that good quality guy ourselves, many of these guys out here aren’t. You got some hooking up left and right and wondering why they aren’t attracting a guy who wants more than physical intimacy.

    However everyone is different and everyone has their preferences.I find it very important to be very selective or cautious as to what we allow into our spaces, because it affects the very individual world we live in. But I like said if you want a wholesome quality guy its important we are that first.

    Now as for everything I think for relationships we cant put ourselves in boxes, and It’s good you’ve become more open when dating it helps widen your chances of finding a good match.

  4. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | January 26th, 2017
    0

    I think a lot of tops, on the idea of them bottoming, focus too much on the pain aspect of bottoming and also don't want to be perceived as weak or vulnerable being on the receptive end. I remember seeing profiles on apps where these "total tops" claimed to be able to hurt people. Why would I want you to hurt me and "beat it up"? So if that's the type of top a guy is expecting to do them then I can understand not wanting to be vulnerable to anyone like that.

    I'm verse. I don't get into the verse top/verse bottom label. But I understand people wanting to define a preference for the two options. I do like to top more bottom but I also am fair minded and see a potential partner as an equal. I just want to know that I can get mine, whatever that is at the moment. I think most men are verse in some aspect and hear too many people saying that they have met dudes who are Air Quotes Total Tops to really be worried about it. I let people know I'm verse and what my expectations are. If you are not with it I'm not going to force it. It's other mofos out there. It's one thing when you are hooking up but if you are trying to get into a relationship you need to relax some ridgid ideas and compromise. That and reciprocity are important when you are in a relationship.

    However, I also don't discount men just not liking to bottom. It's totally understandable but as @SB3 has mentioned before (who also got a shout out on this cast) if a masculine dude is what you want you need to be prepared for the possibility that he may want you to bend over and bottom for him one day. I think for a relationship with roots the possibility of sexual exploration should be something that you're comfortable with discussing and yes the "rules" may change from what they were when you first got together. I just feel like once you have built trust with someone in a relationship that your feelings and what you are willing to do for them reaches a point where the reciprocity gets more even leveled.

    As far as texting goes, I'm OK with it when it's appropriate. Say you're both at work and can't talk, it's OK to text. But I also don't want you to text me every detail because I want to talk so when we are both free we can talk on the phone about our day or provide details on an subject we texted about earlier. I think so many of us have spent so much time being in the closet or discrete that we tend to not know how to communicate well (unless it's about sex) because we "don't want folks all up in my business" I think we also hide our feelings and don't know healthy ways to express ourselves so we continue to be On Guard. If your answer to "how was your day?" is "Good." and you're not willing to expand on why or offer it without prompting, you don't know how to communicate OR you don't want to be bothered or you're not interested in talking with me. I'm OK if you're not interested in me I'd rather that be the reason for than your inability to hold a conversation.

    I know I'm a good date. Lol but I think meeting at the Starbucks is still good for the first date. The 2nd date can be more active unless we have gotten enough of a feel for each other over the phone to have an activity date. I think that's where the show Blind Date excelled (as well as it did in this context) because they dropped the people into things that took them out of the typical dating box. Gun range, cooking class, painting etc are all good activity dates that could use the activity to take the edge off and smooth nerves. But I'd choose a coffee shop near an activity so we can move forward from there "hey this looks like fun. Do you want to try X? My treat!" hopefully they are OK with that to agree.

  5. SB3
    SB3 | February 1st, 2017
    0

    Thanks for the name drops *tootsie rolls*

    Real talk tho, it's as hard for u @Nick Delmacy to imagine the struggle in nyc as it is for me to imagine a struggle even exists in gayfuknlanta! I can get a date/smash/etc, but its about the lack of visibility in my daily life.

    A 'soft' dude in my shoes could have had a couple fun rolls in the hay, but, as I've said on here a million times, nothing about me says 'gay', so I understand that I fuk w some guys' hetero-normative ideal. It's no coincidence that many str8s fuk w me after learning the deal.

    Tell that dude who was saying 'every1 should either be a top or a bottom ' to stfu. One day when we're old n gray, young dudes will realize that its fine to go w the flow, and just enjoy laying up w each other.

    Shouts to @Ockydub for continuing to show up and remembering that relationships take work. Congrats on 8 years man.

  6. NICHOLAN | February 11th, 2017
    0

    I’m new to the site so I’m still learning who’s who, but I think Ocky is who made the comment about texting. THANK YOU! I completely agree!

    I literally just met someone on an app this week. Last night I sent him my number and he sent me a text. By the 2nd or 3rd text message, I asked if it was alright to call him for a quick phone convo. I like to nip things in the bud real quick because I HATE online dating to began with (lol).

    He started stalling and claimed that he was a little tied up at the moment, but would be free in a few minutes and would let me know. It sounded like bullsh*t to me.

    I kid you not–5 minutes later he sends me a text that read, “so what do you like to do for fun?…”

    Like…ummmm…what!? <<< that's what I was thinking

    I replied, "that sounds like a phone convo…texting is for quick convo." He sends me a "lmao" and that was THAT.

    Haha…

    People don't know how to date and part of me feels as though people hide behind social media and texting because of their own insecurities. I mean, look at the show Catfish. I have more to add, but I'm going to cut myself off–for now lol.




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