CA Podcast #38: The “Reasons Why He Doesn’t Want You” Episode

By Cypher Avenue | Posted Jul 20 2015 | 20 Comments  


Brehs, we present to you a new episode of the CYPHER AVENUE PODCAST where you’ll hear us give updates, engage in heated topic debates, interviewing interesting homosexual men of color and us verbally adding on to the articles posted on the website. The episodes will be available in four ways: You can listen to them on the site, watch on YouTube, download a MP3 version or subscribe to us on iTunes for automatic updates!

In this podcast, Cypher Avenue founders Ocky Williams and Nick Delmacy discuss the Black Gay Men Obsessed With Interracial Dating, Light Skin vs Dark Skin in the Black Gay Community and Alternative Explanations for Gay Men Who Only Date Younger Men.








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Cypher Avenue

Cypher Avenue is a direct response to the lack of a single website on the Internet catering to gay/bisexual men that love hip hop, pop culture, video games, sci-fi and mature, open minded conversations. Topics ranging from sex, sports, movies, new tech, science, fashion, comic books, politics, working out, hip hop, booze, television, cars, the outdoors, geek stuff, dating, and relationships; you name it, we have it.

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20 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Tony Knowles | July 20th, 2015

    Great Podcast. I liked the subject and there were some things said that made me think and others that made me shake my head. IT was a well rounded conversation. I would like to hear another perspective on this subject. have you guys thought about expanding your hosts?

    • Nick Delmacy | July 20th, 2015

      Once or twice every year we do Roundtable podcasts where we have 4 or 5 Cypher Avenue members join in on the podcast…we also interview about 5-8 people per year.

      • BlackUrbanite | July 22nd, 2015

        You come across as an elitist to me. As a former elitist to current elitist, I can tell you from first hand experience that’s not the mentality you should want to “find love” lol.

        Someone being cultural doesn’t equal keeping you warm at night and making you feel special. Please reconsider what’s really most important …. it’s not his height, how many tattoos he has, and how “cultural” he is, I know you said your mentioned standards were mostly tongue-and-cheek but I’m not totally buying it OK lol. I’ve come to learn there’s truth in “jest”.

        The best man I’ve dated has a learning disability and a high school education but outshines the doctor, lawyer, VP exec, and principal I dated. Yes, our conversations are usually not as sophisticated, progressive, and robust as with some of the men in my past but he has a heart of gold, adores me, always been there for me, we have lots of fun, isn’t uptight like them other assholes, and to me is a way better quality of man overall than any of the cultural and college-degreed men I’ve been with.

        • Nick Delmacy | July 23rd, 2015

          Go with what works for you. Doesn’t mean it will work for me. Nothing elitist about knowing what you desire in a partner/mate. If all you want is a warm body next to you, then yes, go for the first person who gives you the time of day. Personally, I desire more than that. To each his own.

      • SB3
        African King | July 26th, 2015

        We gon’ need another one!!!

  2. African King | July 20th, 2015

    I am loving this podcast!!! Thanks so much for staying consistent and uploading these podcasts! Can’t wait for the next ROUNDTABLE podcast!!! 😉

  3. Dre G | July 21st, 2015

    My cousins played Fetty Wop for me and I almost kicked them out of my car.

  4. alton
    NYCforEVER | July 22nd, 2015

    LMFAO Dude, Im so fuckin sick of that Fetty Wop song. HOT97 have drilled that shit into my skull. Whenever that shit come on, I hear everything BUT what he’s really sayin “…lef’ da strip club, nigga hungry like a hooo. Stepped up in my crib, grab a bowl a’ meat ballllls. Musta been old and dem shits was madd collld…fuk aroun an ate’em now my stomach turn’d ooo…” smh

  5. Discordant | July 22nd, 2015

    Great podcast. You guys touched a lot of interesting points. That’s definitely a topic for a panel discussion, but you do a great job of conveying different viewpoints.

  6. SB3000 | July 22nd, 2015

    Good one. Glad that you guys are still discussing something thats never going away as a hot topic: them damn gays and dating/relationships. Even when it seems beat over the head, it’s still, and will always be relevant.

    Everyone dissin Fetty Wap is giving hateration in this dancery..

    Leme find out @Ocky is my Louisiana Creole cuzzin..

    I wana know who @Nick dated from CA..

    And anyone talkin about they only like light/dark skin men…tell me that they wouldn’t push their grandmas down the steps for either Boris or Tyson! Fuk outta here..

    • Nick Delmacy | July 23rd, 2015

      Yeah, the relationship/dating topic def helps us sell newspapers.

  7. uptown177
    BrooklynNative | July 24th, 2015

    I listened to this podcast and I would like to correct you on something that was said. I am a Dominican/Haitian mix therefore I am Black. There is a difference between race and culture. Dating a person of any culture that is different from your own is not inter-racial dating. Race is a man made construct anyway. One of you Guys indicated you dated a Dominican guy before and the only differences are language and culture that’s in that is not interacial dating unless he was a White Dominican, then you have cultural and race differences.

    • Nick Delmacy | July 25th, 2015

      Well, technically every name for everything on Earth is “man made”, but I get your point. The classification of different “races” is meaningless to most evolutionary and/or archeological scientists. To them we’re all homo sapiens, the same species, so the superficial differences are moot.

      HOWEVER, from a sociological standpoint, race is definitely a factor. Those same meaningless superficial and cultural differences become very important. So, in my opinion, someone born and raised from a non-Black-American Dominican family would be considered a different race.

      Even most Dominicans agree with this. Here’s an article going into detail, saying that 82 percent designate their race as indio, not black.

      • uptown177
        BrooklynNative | July 26th, 2015

        I am well aware that Dominicans deny their African heritage, Also a majority of Dominicans claim to be from Spain. Indio is not a race. The natives of the island of Hispaniola were already there when the Africans were brought to the island. The Spanish were more prone to mix with the slaves and the Natives of the island mores than the French on the Haitian side during occupation/slavery. I have family members and friends that claim the same crap and I tell them they are Black plain and simple. My skin is Brown and I identify as Black. Most Dominicans/Haitans are lost and have a slave master mentality. As a person that is enlightened and proud of my cultures. On the Haitian side the mulattos (mixed) treat the dark skin people bad on that side of the island. The entire island has a slave mentality. My own mother a few times has even said she is not Black and she is fair skinned, I correct her too. Brother the article you shared is a poll that has confused people trying to be something they are not. Look up Rafael Trujillo he was the President of DR,white washing the island and responsible for the genocide of thousands of Haitians until he was assassinated in 1961. Before he would make public appearances he would powder his face to lighten his skin. He was also half Haitian but
        Dominicans may not want to admit it but Dominicans are Black. Lastly look up Sammy Sosa and look what he did to himself. In Washington Heights they can’t keep stock of the skin bleaching cream.

  8. elg | July 26th, 2015

    Most of the gay men I know in my general age group (I am a middle-aged black gay man) who are in long-term relationships/marriages met their partner/spouse when they were in their late 20s to early 30s. They “understood”, somehow, what they wanted/needed at that relatively young age and had the maturity (which so many gay men lack) to know they had met “the one” for them and they made it work.

    Based on this admittedly anecdotal evidence, I believe there is currently a “window of opportunity”, age wise, that an average (average in terms of looks, social skills, money, etc.) gay man has for making a lasting “connection” with another gay man. Of course, there are exceptions to this (assume I know this).

    I just don’t believe, at this time, that most gay men want to be in long-term relationships/marriages with each other for various reasons: they “say” they do but their actions and life choices say differently. I hope I’m wrong on this going forward.

    If you want to be in a long-term relationship/marriage, reject the gay male “hook up” culture that’s been around since at least the 70s. If you truly want to be “coupled” then make it happen, sooner rather than later. The longer you play around in gay male hook-up culture (random, casual often anonymous sexual activity) the more likely you will end up with “baggage” which makes it that much harder to effectively “connect” with another gay man. Connecting requires an ability to “trust” and a certain emotional “vulnerability” (with the right person) which you tend to lose the more time you spend “hooking up” instead of “dating for marriage”. The choice is yours.

    I hope this makes sense. I tried to make it as clear as I could. I am not a relationship expert. These are my impressions from decades of “observing” gay friends/associates.

    I have to add this. We gay men in America now have the right to marry each other in all 50 states. We now have the RIGHT to love each other after all this time! It would be unfortunate if we squandered that opportunity in favor of the same old “casual sex” paradigm. It’s a beautiful feeling to have sexual intimacy with someone you care about and who cares about you: the feeling of belonging to someone else, the feeling of security is priceless. Make love happen.

    • Pensive | July 29th, 2015

      Amazing comment!
      Sometimes I wonder if the accessibility of porn and theses apps have much to do with most people going around and around. I can’t imagine being the hoe that I was ,today.
      But as the proverb goes “to the hungry,even what is bitter tastes sweet”. Smh

      Nothing compares to the growth sustaining a relationship brings. They allow you to see yourself and what you can work on to become a better you.

      • elg | July 31st, 2015

        Pensive, thanks for the compliment. I truly appreciate it.

        The following is general information and directed at no one in particular:

        It needed to be clearly stated that if you are a MARRIAGE minded gay man, you need to socialize with and DATE marriage minded gay men. Also, if you are a marriage minded gay man, stay away from the gay “hook-up” scene in all its various aspects.

        However, if gay male hook-up culture has somehow consumed you there is hope: don’t be afraid or ashamed to check out a reputable mental health therapist. A good therapist can be invaluable in helping an individual pinpoint and solve “issues”.

        Check out the GLBT community resources in your area for gay (and gay friendly) mental health professionals. They deal with the kinds of addictions and mental health issues that MANY gay men have: believe me, these mental health professionals have seen and heard EVERYTHING so don’t be shy. You may have to visit several mental health professionals to find one who works best for you.

  9. SwagJack
    SwagJack | August 6th, 2015

    This was actually pretty tight. I can relate to a lot of what Nick was saying here about being the dude that is getting older (late 30s), but doesn’t let the status quo dictate my personal tastes, lifestyle, etc., based on my age. A lot of folks don’t believe me when I tell them my age, but it’s all good. Guess that Black don’t crack thing is true in some respects. But my biggest problem is meeting dudes that are in my age range who aren’t too deep in one end of the spectrum or the other. I meet the ones that are too damn youthful for their ages (got the club goin’ up on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday), or they’re either so straight laced that it restricts the dynamics of our relationship (using that term loosely).

    I usually get more of the latter. These dudes are attracted to me and my personality, but once they realize that they can’t tame me they get frustrated. And that’s when things fall apart (RIP Chinua Achebe). It’s tough finding dudes in my generation that strike a good balance like I do. It gets frustrating. But what I refuse to do is lower my standards or expectations. I know I’m good money. And I’m not interested in waiting for a dude to figure that out and act accordingly. Don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine 😉

    But with that said, I haven’t dated in a while. I meet dudes, but I can gage whether it’s worth it to take it to the next level after our first meeting. Quality over quantity. And it’s to the point that I haven’t had sex in like 7-8 months because of it. At this point in my life, I can’t get excited unless you have stimulated my mind and vice versa. Till then, I’ll be shaking the sand out my drawls at the laundromat before I toss them joints in the washing machine. #DesertStatus #KnowYourselfKnowYourWorth

    • Nick Delmacy | August 6th, 2015

      That last paragraph though…we might have been separated at birth, bruh


      • SwagJack
        SwagJack | August 7th, 2015

        No doubt.

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