Many feminist of all genders and orientations use masculinity and misogyny almost interchangeably. As if one can’t exist without the other. While some gay feminist view masculinity as a materialistic accessory with no real value or meaning, others gays want masculinity redefined so whatever new definition they conjure up, it can cater to and fit their needs and sensibilities. These are the same type of gays that can over use and misuse patriarchy and misogyny throughout their diatribes but are quick to ask “what is masculinity?”, as if it’s a foreign concept and the prototype hasn’t been created yet. Okay, enough of my mini-rant.
I’m here to briefly share with you that there is another side to masculinity that I and plenty of others have experienced and know exits. It has nothing to do with misogyny, bullying or asserting dominance over others. It does have to do with caring, compassion and empathy. Let me tell you the recent real life example that inspired me to write this.
One Sunday morning, I haphazardly looked out of my window. Across the street I saw 5 boys playing football. They appeared to rage from 7 to 12 years of age. 3 were Black and 2 appeared to be of Latino or Mexican descent. The oldest or biggest boy was playing the quarterback position. He threw the ball and one of the smaller boys caught it and was tackled by another boy. The tackle was not hard but the way the boy fell; he hurt himself and began to cry. The other boys immediately went to his side to comfort him.
One rubbed the hurt boy’s back, another rubbed his head and the other two kneeled at his feet offering reassurance. What I didn’t see or hear was, “man up”, “don’t be a pussy”, “men don’t cry” or any other angry or aggressive types of responses. These boys were caring and very compassionate for their friend. A couple of minutes later, they boy stopped crying and the oldest asked him if he still wanted to play. The young boy smiled, brushed himself off and their game continued. The young boys had no idea how happy they made me to see and hear their positive interactions.
Of course I have experienced hostile bullies throughout my childhood or misogynistic douchebags in college but I have also experienced moments like the young boys shared during their rough and tumble game of football. Why isn’t this side of masculinity discussed more? Typically when I see and hear masculinity being discussed, it’s usually used or spoken about within negative misogynistic contexts. Masculinity seems to be the cause of bullying, domestic violence, mass shootings, rape, animal extinction and Global Warming. Yes I’m using some sarcasm for the last two examples but masculinity is not the cause of these things; more so they are caused by insecurities and fear.
Outside of sex and sexual imagery, masculine and or masculinity at times appear to be Politically Correct dirty words. I feel straight and gay masculine men need to speak up and out concerning the stereotypical negative views that seem to be associated with masculinity. We need to start constructively challenging the current narrative around masculinity, because right now the feminists have hijacked it and are dominating the conversation.
I’m not sure if I agree that “feminists” are dominating the conversation because from what I can tell they aren’t the ones that bring up masculinity. just my two cents.
Feminists may not bring up the word “masculinity” but they do CONSTANTLY bring up “patriarchy” and “heteronormativity”…both code words for traditional masculinity.
I can’t speak for others but I know when I use the term heteronormative(Which is like once a year) I’m generally just referring to men on the Dl who think they are showing the world they are hetero. Nothing to do with masculinity to me.
The thing is, with masculinity comes aggression, which has been a huge problem in our society for many years. We DO live in a system of patriarchy, which puts masculinity as this superhuman thing and anything outside of it is weak and effeminate. This is a huge reason why being gay is frowned upon because it goes completely against societal norms of masculinity. Let’s be honest, who do you see sticking up for gays the most, feminists or hyper-masculine men…or even just regular masculine men? I do not agree with all that feminist do, but they have stuck up for gays. Masculinity is not a necessarily a bad thing, but it has been used to harm a lot of people. You also mention insecurity and fear, which in the code of masculinity, are “female” traits.
What is masculinity. The dictionary defines it as traditional manly qualities: those qualities conventionally supposed to belong to a man such as physical strength and courage. Must of us really have a distorted view on masculinity and how it is perceived.
Masculinity is not a negative trait. Its a positive trait that teaches us survival of the fittest.
Masculinity is not a negative trait, however people’s interpetation and display of masculinity is what is a problem.
Masculinity also does not teach survival instincts. Experience and evolution teaches people how to survive.
This theory of survival of the fittest is based off of Charles Darwin. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
I agree with your point @ocky, we do need more positive representations of masculinity/masculine men.
I think both sides,masc and fem, are guilty of negative generalizations.We tend to think of the opposite role in the extreme either as being brutish neanderthals or prancing fairies. This happens a lot with blacks and whites,women and men,etc.
…but I get what you’re trying to say here.The brotherhood aspect of being among your masculine companions is often misunderstood or overlooked by those who may have not experienced it firsthand.
Men are not ‘allowed’ to express themselves. Especially in the black community I have noticed. We have to do everything in our power to hold back tears and not be too emotional. We can only cry when our grandma, mother, or the really unfortunate death of our child.
I’ve seen vids where men have cried at their weddings because they are so happy seeing their wife and the commitment that that means to them yet people will say “Dude’s a bitch.” The guy is happy. What’s wrong with that?
I think because we only get the neanderthal or fairy operational modes that when you do anything on those polar ends of the scale, that it is out of character. “OMG why are you crying? It was just a story/movie/game/.”
This doesn’t seem to be the case in other nations but America definitely has a super thin lane for what’s considered manly.
Great article. One of the main problems that we see around perception of masculinity is just how much its gotten warped. Masculinity doesn’t have to be about not showing or own weaknesses, or hiding our emotions. If anything, doing those things in a lot of ways makes you less human.
Honestly though, I can’t really place 100% of blame on the feminists when a lot of the distortion of masculinity came from within male culture. In your example of the boy who fell crying, the ones who would be most likely to tell him to “man up” and “don’t be a pussy” aren’t feminists, they’re men who propagate that warped view of masculinity.
“the ones who would be most likely to tell him to “man up” and “don’t be a pussy” aren’t feminists, they’re men who propagate that warped view of masculinity.”
This is true; however this would be an example used by feminist to shape their narrative.
I’m usually in line with your thought process, Ock. But on this one I’ma have to disagree (kinda). I wouldn’t say it’s an argument that feminists really need to dig to build a case with. Im sure they frequently utilize it to justify the basis of their agenda(s), but honestly, it’s not like they gotta dig deep, bro. I(like many others, probably you too)have dealt with this shit first hand. I know for a fact, just growing up, the very FEW men in my life (my uncles, a few male cousins, and my dad the little time he was there) were str8 up ALL, über-masculine men, and they ALWAYS came with the “dont be a pussy/punk/faggot” commentary, and I’m FAAAR from a feminist my dude. This type of attitude is just a reality in the black/latino community, regardless of whoever uses it to back their agendas. Our (uneducated/unenlightened) str8 & DL men just keep providing the ammo these groups need for their arguments against Masculinity. IMO
Sorry if I come off incoherent, Im a lil’ twisted. Just came in from a Happy Hour, Im a little twisted LOL
Lol, this reply was perfectly coherent. Its pretty much the same point I would make; while its completely true that the more misandric feminists (not all of them) can use this as ammo against men, its also not like they’re exaggerating it or twisting the context. This is an issue that we men have to work on as a culture/community.
@alton I grew up in the south with extremely masculine uncles and older cousins. I was very sensitive and would cry at the drop of a dime. I heard you need to man up and stop being weak a lot. I never heard stop being a pussy, or Fa**ot, thats a bit harsh. You know what though? I’m glad they told me that. It taught me to not wear my emotions on my sleeve, and also to be tough. I see nothing wrong with that. It’s not about not expressing yourself and not about ever shedding a tear, it’s about restraint and controlling your emotions. This argument that feminist use is an easy one to bring up but it really has no weight in my opinion. I guess we want to create a world of overly sensitive men. Feminist will always have a problem with masculinity, thats why they are feminist.
That’s not an accurate assumption. Most fem or in between guys, myself incIuded, are attracted to masculine men.
The problem comes along when masculiIe men, of any sexualy orientation, demean and degrade someone because of how they express themselves. Even on this site, I’ve seen guys say everything short of they hate fags and thats very hypocritical considering that we all are gay.
If you attempted to befriend a fem man, he would readily be open to that. If I were to sincerly attempt to build a friendship with some of you guys, you would act as if I were an alien.
Masculine shun us, way more then we shun them.
Well…I can’t say it helped or hurt me to be honest. I was never a “crier” or “whiner” when I was a kid. I was pretty stubborn and quiet/soft spoken. I got the “pu$$y/fag” comments because I wasn’t into nor good at sports, and didn’t care for “chasing down ass”. I preferred to be off in the woods gettin dirty, catchin’ snakes, turtles, and spiders and shit, up in a tree somewhere, or trying to figure out how to use Poison Ivy to fuck up all the other kids I couldn’t stand. How that made me a “fag” I have no clue, weird maybe, but not a “fag”. Point is, there’s other ways to issue tough love to strengthen dudes growin up.
While we’re on this tangent tho, what exactly constitutes a “Overly Sensitive man”? Because now I’m questioning my own sensitivity. Like, I’ll bawl seein’ the “Zoloft” commercial wit the lil depressed cloud, or at those animal abuse commercials; but I could give less than 2 fucks about seein some human tragedy on the news, and only experience a few minutes of anger at a child abuse story. A mu’fuka can call me all sorts of maricón, black ass, etc etc and I really don’t give a fuck (unless the person gets in my face ), but if someone comments about my physical appearance, “you gettin’ fat yo” or “that shirt is fittin’ u funny” ,outwardly I’m kinda chill about it, but inside I’m fukin fumin’. So does that make me “overly sensitive”? Just curious, dude. LOL
@alton LMAO! It sounds like you just are bothered by some things, and others you just don’t give a damn about. Do me a favor and please don’t punch anybody in the face for calling you fat lol. A “tell tell” trait of an overly sensitive person, in my opinion, is someone who is very emotionally reactive. Their emotions, no mater which it is, dictates their actions. Masculine guys can be overly sensitive.
@ishmal I don’t have a problem with fem guys. I have a problem with the over the top, rude, loud ,stereotypical behavior though.
another great article
Their is definitely a comradery, and brotherhood that comes along with masculinity. Like the example above, sports is a good representation of that. I am reading these comments about masculinity, and aggression being the reason why masculinity has such a negative connotation. I disagree with this. Aggression isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Athletes are aggressive, entrepreneurs are aggressive, and most people who work in cooperate America are aggressive. The people who comprise those groups are male, female, feminine, and masculine. Of course aggression should be used with tact, but I think violence is the main reason that masculinity leaves a bad taste in people mouths.
The masculinity is being popularized ,glamorized (reality shows)and vilified (to a degree to warrant gun control)fed to us by the “media” is an attempt to program many straight to prison for free labor.
None of this is censored or objectively portrayed because it’s not “meant” to be.
Soft is being promoted. Example being the fashions they are sponsoring sell out athletes to be obligated to wear.
The discussion is being held underground. But don’t expect it to reach mainstream.
The best anyone can do is be proactive in showing boys and young men what it means to be a man once you have a good grip on it yourself.
I think that the representations of hyper-masculinity and misogyny are very real and the traditional and queer feminist have a point in its critique to call these things what they are; the violence culture, rape culture, homophobic culture, pop culture etc, are still rooted in extreme patriarchy, even with the advancements made. There are cases of men showing compassion and so forth but these seem to be far and few between. I have not seen a shift at least in the millennial generation of moving beyond our construction of masculinity with the exception that some men straight and gay have developed cross values in the age of “bromances.” So I don’t think I can agree here on this one. Good discussion topic though.
UGHH! I’m TIRED of defending and promoting and celebrating masculinity….From this day forward I will become Feminine. YAASSSSS, BITCH, I’M FINALLY FREE!!! *Snaps Fingers*
LMAO..It’s too early for this..
.