During the continued lockdown due to COVID-19, I’ve been having very long and substantive conversations with fellow LGBT friends about a wide range of topics that I will soon be bringing up on Cypher Avenue for even more opinions/views/discussion.
One topic in particular that got mixed responses was: “What are your views of black gay relationships/couples on social media?”
I’m actually one of those people with a mixed opinion on this. On one hand, after starting this website 8 years ago advocating for more masculine-leaning black gay representation in the media, I find it great to see so many positive photos of black gay love out there.
Not only for other black gays to see and possibly get motivated/inspired and show that they too can achieve this, but also so these images can eventually become a normality to homophobic heterosexuals (ie: The “Will & Grace” effect).
Also, our heterosexual counterparts freely post every detail about their relationships online, some even becoming “influencers” and “famous” solely for being a couple. They literally possess no real talent, yet they have built entire brands (and income) just from sharing their relationships on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, etc.
So why shouldn’t Black LGBT couples do the same? Especially when we need to see positive examples of “us” out there just as much as they do.
On the other hand, some of these social media couples just come across as blatant fame seekers. Especially the millennials and post-millennials. Here is a quote that I saw posted on a 28-year-old aspiring actor’s social media account recently:
These kids want to be “famous” so badly, they are trying to redefine what it means to actually be famous.
So when I see the photoshoot quality “candid shots” of gays with their baes, the cynical spidey-sense in me does start to tingle a bit.
Also, not every black gay man out there can pull these handsome IG-photogenic boyfriends. They may live in repressive communities, they may not fit the stereotypical gay body image seen in these photos, or they may not have the self esteem and confidence displayed. So does the sharing of this imagery create self esteem issues and misdirected envy for the perpetually single men out there?
Another cynical view is that many of these over-sharing black gay social media relationships don’t last. So unless you have an IG photo saving application like 4K STOGRAM, you won’t be able to see all of those deleted positive couples photos when they break up. This meme cleverly sums it up:
Having said that, I do lean more on the side of sharing black gay love online as being a good thing.
Admittedly, as a bachelor, I’ve seen quite a few of these superficially ideal social media black gay couples that have somewhat encouraged me to one day achieve that myself (my real life friends in relationships did most of the motivating, though).
So instead of becoming discouraged by the dating woes, I remain motivated saying to myself, “if these attention seeking negroes found each other, then so can I, so just keep swiping/dating.”
My friends who I had this conversation with, for the most part they were split between two extremes. They either said the display of black gay couples on social was a great thing and showed others more positive depictions of our lives that didn’t involve explicit sex, clubbing and pink glitter exploding in everyone’s eyes…on the other side, they said the imagery did nothing for them whatsoever.
And full disclosure, at the time that I posed the question, all of the friends asked were in serious relationships yet did NOT share that part of their lives on their social media accounts (if they even had an online presence at all).
So what are your thoughts?
How do you feel about others sharing their relationships online?
Do you (or would you) share your relationship on social media (assuming that you even have a social media presence)? Why or why not?
Hell naw I wouldn't. Like the meme reads, people flaunt their relationships when it's good and then want privacy when it crashes. I just believe that posting your relationship in such a direct and exploitative manner invites criticism figuratively and literally. I've witnessed several couples bickering with people who post negative comments under Instagram entries. Yes, we can all live by the mantra of if you can't say anything nice….but the internet is a whole different beast. This goes for straight and gay couples.
It amazes me the amount of adrenaline people get by receiving adulation around nothing but their relationship. They aren't being commended for discovering a COVID-19 vaccine or starting a non-profit to feed the homeless. They're receiving an ego boost about how sexy they are as a couple and this can be a retardant on a relationship.
Last, there are celebrities that go out of their way not to publicize their relationships/marriages in such an exploitative way. I think back to how Jennifer Lopez used to flaunt all over her relationships until they flamed out. She learned for a while. Hell, most people don't even know Dolly Parton has been married for decades cause you never see her husband. LOL But I guarantee no one is in her business or getting involved in her marriage as a result.
I've always been a private person. I haven't had social media up until now and don't think I will. I would be too protective of a relationship to invite public comments. Besides, when you brag about something and flaunt it too much, somebody else bound to try and come and get it. Ever heard of sliding in DMs?
Michael here want to get to know you and become friends or more michaelmanuel896@gmail.com
I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and while we share our relationship, our social media is not consumed by it. There are certain aspects of our life together that we like to keep to ourselves. I believe it contributes to the longevity of our relationship!
I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and while we share our relationship, our social media is not consumed by it. There are certain aspects of our life together that we like to keep to ourselves. I believe it contributes to the longevity of our relationship!
Nope, never. As a matter of fact, if I could move to island with my boyfriend and live peacefully and sensually with him I would never tell a single soul. I've never been the showy type though.
I’m mixed on this. I do feel that both gay and straight couples sometimes share idealized images of their relationship on social media for fame and/or to cover up deficiencies in their relationship. But I don’t think this is always the case.
For me, I do sometimes share my relationship on social media. He’s part of my life, so I don’t feel the need to hide that aspect. My Instagram and Facebook are both private though, so these images are generally for folks on my friend/follower list as opposed to the wider public.
My partner, on the other hand, very rarely uses social media. No instagram and almost never posts on Facebook. He’s changed his profile picture twice in the past 12 years.
With that said, I do think it’s important to see images of black gay couples. And I’m not gonna lie, I like seeing them. It’s comforting and it forces white folks and straight people to confront it head on. And it helps other black gay men. So many black gay men are afraid to post anything on social media due to shame or fear of negative repercussions. It’s good to know you’re not alone.
I'm a no.
1. I'm an introvert.
2. In a public word, I want some form of privacy. My relationship status is no one's business.
3. I learned about privacy from my parents. They've been married for 40 years. There are about 8 pictures of them together, total. And it's not because they don't like pictures- it's that they just don't take them of themselves. And I respect it.
4. I have a somewhat public job. I don't want everyone knowing everything about me. Information is the currency of power. As an example, Facebook has power because it has information that it then sells to advertisers. Yet people (esp the weridos in gen Z) wanna give it away their power. As a reminder, there are people in this world who seek to destroy- and these people will 'like' your happy pictures.
I'm not standing in anyone's way of publicizing their relationship. Just be ready for the implications.
I love these guys! They look very handsome! I also recommend read their love story blog http://www.happymatches.com/blog/hook-up/hook-up-definition
I am with @NikR 100%
It doesn't matter what relationship I had or have, I was told not to put my business in the street…PEROIT! (The "T" is intentional♂️)
Great article. I do think seeing gay Black men being happy together has been great, but I personally wouldn’t share my relationship in that way. Now, I would post a picture of me and my man every now and then, but he wouldn’t be all over my social media and vice versa
I love what this representation does for young LGBTQ+ folks, for straight onlookers, for blk gay men without hope. I'd only do it several years into a relationship and 2)Id want it to be candid shots and not posed shots that scream "we await your approvals and likes."
If I did post I’d probably find a way to monetize it. We can cry in our matching Ferrari’s if it doesn’t work out and social media drags us when we breakup.