The Most Annoying Men in the Gym

By Ockydub | Posted May 25 2012 | 15 Comments  

For the most part I really enjoy going to the gym.  The feeling of euphoria and bliss I get after a good workout for me is priceless.  We all know diet and exercise provides countless health benefits and the gym can be great motivation to get you going in the right direction.

The gym also hosts a countless array of individuals who can and do annoy the hell out of me.  It seems like twice a year (New Years and Pre-Summer) they gym becomes a holding tank of some of the most asinine folks you will every encounter.  That is not to say the gym is not full of irritating folk on any giving day or time.  It’s just seems during New Years and Pre-Summer there is more of an abundance of them.

Below I have compiled a list of some of the most annoying men in the gym.  I am sure if you haven’t encountered them before, you will soon.


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 The “Can I Work In” Guy

This annoying fuck!  This is the dude that “just happens” to want to use the same equipment as you but you can swear he is really following you around the gym. He always seems to show up when you are just starting your set or when you are in the zone asking the same questions; “Can I Work In” or “How Many Sets You Have Left”?  When you tell him how many sets you have left, this loser will wait just a few feet away from you.  He then will either pace around impatiently or awkwardly stare at you until you have finished your sets. He is also known to jump on equipment you are using without bothering to ask if you are finished.

Hey “Can I Work In” Guy get the fuck away from me…I can’t stand you!


PictureThe Space Invader

The “Can I Work In” Guy leads into the “Space Invader”.  This is the fucker that finds a way to always be in your space even though the gym is over 5000 square feet.  They can be seen or felt walking within inches of you in order to get to where ever the hell they are going in the gym.  Whatever happened to the five foot rule?  At all times (if possible) there should be a five foot invisible radius bubble that should not be penetrated.  I feel like if said boundary is crossed the wizard from The Lord Of the Rings should jump out and scream “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

PictureThe Nudist

The nudist is typically a white male and of course is allergic to wearing a towel in the locker room and sauna.  They feel comfortable walking around completely nude going to the toilet, at the urinal, shaving at the sink or holding conversations while standing with one leg propped up on the bench like the pirate on the Captain Morgan bottle.  It is almost as if he doesn’t know he is naked.

They cause everyone to awkwardly walk around them making a conscious effort not to look down at their private parts that are airing out. 

Good Sir…kudos to you for not being ashamed of your body but you make others uncomfortable by having your beans and frank front and center.  So others will not hate being around you in the locker room, wear a damn towel.


The Secret Agents

The secret agents are the men who are pretending to be private investigator while avoiding the scorching solar flares that are raining down on them from the soft florescent lights in the gym.  They can be easily spotted due to their baseball caps being pulled down so low over their eyes they need to tilt their heads back when they walk so they can see; these are the 008 secret agents.  The 007 secret agents are in a class by themselves.  They actually have to wear ultra-dark shades to the gym so they can spy on their potential suspects without being noticed. Hey dark shades guy…you look like stalker weirdo and I hate you!

 

 

PictureThe Screamers and Grunters

I think it is natural for some noise to be made when struggling to get out those last couple of reps.

The Screamers and Grunters sound like the male equivalent of giving birth.  They also are known for making sure to drop or slam their weights as hard as possible on the ground so not only do you hear them but they want you to look at them as well.  Really dude? Do you have to scream and grunt that loudly in the gym when lifting weights?

You are annoying and distracting and we all hate you!


PictureThe Peacock

The Peacock comes in all shapes and sizes.  This Peacock’s feathers don’t have to be beautiful for him to strut his stuff or strike a pose. See the peacock is the guy in the gym who craves attention at all costs.  He will attempt to show off his plumage to anyone (whether they want to see it or not) in hopes of getting attention; not realizing most of the attention he is receiving is negative.

 

Hey Peacock…you are a annoying douche bag and you need to sit the fuck down!


PictureThe Diva

The Diva is the guy that feels everything he wears to the gym has to match and be color coordinated.  From his shoes and shoe strings, to his socks, to his shorts, underwear, wrist bands, head bands, shirt, under shirt; everything has to match for the diva to feel comfortable while working out. 

The diva can also be spotted wearing excessive jewelry (chains, watches, bracelets, rings, etc.) and will always make sure the entire gym is permeated with the cloud of cologne they need to spray on themselves before working out.

I get it… you are high maintenance and you feel you are constantly on stage performing so you always want to make sure your fans see you in your best light.

Dude, you are choking everyone with your cologne and we all hate you!


PictureThe Social Butterfly

These are the guys who use the gym as social time and not work out time.  They can be seen flying from person to person talking about anything from work to travel to sports; there is no subject that is off limits.  On any day they can be seen making the rounds to all the other gym regulars who were open or foolish enough to entertain a conversation with them. 

Hey Social Butterfly; folk are trying to work out and no I didn’t see the game last night so shut the fuck up!


PictureThe “Fit” Fat Guy

This is the guy that may have played football or some other sport in high school or college and still periodically trains as if he is still on the team.  He is easily spotted due to his tight shirt, missing neck, enormous non-defined arms, gigantic belly and wearing an old Gold’s Gym tank top. Usually he is also a “Social Butterfly” and will go out of his way to tell you about what tips and tricks you need to get in shape.  He can be very loud while talking and is known to grunt loudly while lifting. Also is known to only really lift weights if a crowd is around.  Hey Fit Fat Guy, you are no longer a jock, so stop attempting to relive your glory days of your state championship.

PictureThe Psycho

This is the dude that is mad at the world.  He may have even been a bully in high school due to issues in the home. His court ordered psychologist or anger management coach told him that it would be a good idea to relieve stress and anger if he joined a gym. 

Instead he is the same psychotic and angry asshole that grits and gives the evil eye to everyone in a 15 foot radius. He is also recognizable because he usually is a screamer while lifting weights and in between sets he walks around with his hands on his waist to give off an inflated sense of self. 

Hey Psycho…no one hates you…please don’t kill us .


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The Gawker

This bastard gets on my nerves and is not to be confused with “The Secret Agent”.  This is the dude that stares at you for extended periods of time.  They can be spotted pretending to talk or text on their cell phones while watching other’s reflection in the mirror. 

No place in the gym is off limits, including the locker room. Stay clear of the gawker because you could end up as a an object of masturbation via a picture that he will take  on his cell phone. 

Hey gawker dude…you creep everyone the fuck out and we don’t just hate you; we wish you would go away and your gym membership revoked!


PictureThe Mirror Hog

This is the man that can be seen in any mirror in the gym flexing, posing and lifting up his shirt for his imaginary audience. This dude is on the same level as the “Diva” but not as flashy and not as extravagant as “The Peacock”. This person can be troublesome because they also can be “The Psycho”.  Meaning that they will work out directly in front of the weight rack, which is directly in front of the mirror.  So anytime you want to get dumbbells are re-rack your weights, you have to ask them to move or go around them. This of course adds to their already attention grabbing demeanor which in turn puts you in the awkward position to want to hit this mutha-fucker in his mouth.  Hey mirror hog…we see you, now move asshole!

PictureThe “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy? 

Yes and so can everybody else.
This is the idiot that feels the need to let everyone know their conversation as a way of seeking attention.  They can be heard discussion business deals, finances, are their sex-capades, all in order to let others know how important they are. 

Whether working out, on the treadmills, or in the locker room, they are not shy with letting you know why you should be paying attention to them and their conversation.  Others possibly being distracted by their rudeness are of little concern.  It’s your fault that you don’t know your world revolves around them.  Hey fuck face…shut the fuck up and get your wack ass off your cell phone.


PictureThe Hopper

This idiot likes to hop from machine to machine doing super sets, tri-sets, or circuit training between 5 and 6 pm every evening during peak gym hours.  He doesn’t care he is using 3 to 4 pieces of equipment at a time and others maybe waiting.  What he does care about is his towel, keys, cell phone and water bottle that he has strategically placed on each piece of equipment as a marker or place holder to let you know every said piece of equipment is being used. Instead of arranging his circuit training during off peak times, it is better to inconvenience the gym public to work around his schedule.  This gives more leverage and an excuse to the “Can I Work In Guy” to bug you during your work out.  Hey jerk, bring your circuit training ass back on the weekends when the gym is less crowded.

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The Zombie
The Zombie is the man who comes to the gym sick.  He proceeds to sneeze, cough and hack repeatable without covering his nose or mouth.  He can be seen sweating profusely, while wiping his nose and forehead on his sleeve.  If he does actually blow his nose, he doesn’t wash his hands and just moves onto the next piece of equipment. 
 
Hey you sick fuck, please keep you sick ass at home and stop infecting everyone in the gym with your germs!

The Work Out Entourages

PictureTeam Bromance/The Fitness Mob

This is the group of four or more dudes that have to work out together every time they are in the gym. They take up space and crowd whatever area they are in due to the over sized gym bags, water jugs and weight belts they carry around with them.  Team Bromance can consist of “Divas”, “Peacocks”, “Fit Fat Guys” and “Social Butterflies”.  They are loud, obnoxious and like to laugh out loud and make sure everyone hears the details of every conversation they are having.  Also the term “bro” is used a lot when they talk to each other.

Hey Team Bromance, you all can’t lift and spot each other at the same time. Break that shit up and give others a chance to use the equipment.


PictureTeam J-Set/The Girl Group

This is the group of effeminate guys that roll in cliques of two or more. They can be spotted wearing multicolored tank tops, the occasional spandex shorts and flip flops or sandals.  They primarily work on legs, calves and glutes and can break out in a church hymn or gospel song at a moment’s notice. Be careful because if you glance in their direction you may be paralyzed by the “Gay Face”. 
 
They usually can be heard humming or singing Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, or Rihanna when they are power walking on the treadmill.

 
Team Back Packers
The Skinny Tough Guys

Picture Picture

This group usually consist of newly high school graduates whose individual maximum weight is 138 lbs.  They are usually skinny but very tough.  You know they are tough because they either have on a tank top or a short sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up revealing their tattoos that they paid for with either birthday money, graduation money, or summer job money.  They can be spotted with back packs full of large headphones, markers, iPads, iPods, Laptops, cell phones and Nintendo DS’s or PSP’s.  They usually wonder around the gym aimlessly doing the occasional bench press, pull up, or dumbbell curl.

When they do lift weights, it is usually done with a weight that is far too heavy for them and when the one set is completed, they then will flex in the mirror immediately afterwards to show you how big they have gotten. 

 

 
Honorable Mentions

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The Clueless Guy

This is the guy that is always asking everyone for work out tips and fitness advice.  He usually can be spotted during bicep curls on the ab machine


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The Puffer Fish

This is the guy that walks with his chest inflated and his arms far out from his sides when he walks like he is a huge body builder but is really a “skinny tough guy”.


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Baby Legs

Baby Legs is the guy with the huge chest and arms but has skinny legs because he doesn’t work anything below his waist.  He typically thinks working legs is for sissies.


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The Contagion

This is the nasty, unsanitary bastard who doesn’t wash his hands after his shitty ass takes a dump.  He can also be seen walking around the locker room, showers and urinal area completely barefoot.


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The 80’s Pirate

This is the guy who wears a bandana tied around his head, fanny pack and a pair of multicolored sweatpants as if he just got off a time machine from 80’s Muscle Beach.

 

 

 

 

 


I am sure you all have had your own encounters with some of the guys mentioned on the list or with some other annoying “types” I may have left off. Please feel free to share your experiences and feed back.

About the Author
Ockydub

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

   
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15 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Omar Marks | July 7th, 2013
    0

    OMG.. I have encountered all of these people. This is wayyy too funny. I this article because it pertains to all men regardless of ethnic group and whether they are masc or fem. I have encountered them all especially in the steam room.lol

  2. Jeremy | July 7th, 2013
    0

    LOL at this entire post! I’ve seen all of these guys at the gym, which is precisely why I now go to the gym at 5:30 when it opens and no one else is there to disturb me. I had a guy last week who was trying to talk to me while I had my headphones on during my cardio…as if the headphones weren’t indication enough that I had no desire to speak to ANYONE lol

  3. Black Pegasas | July 7th, 2013
    0

    What annoys me at the gym are the women (and some Men) who are just in the gym to look cute and not put in an actual work out.

    Today for instance, I waited to use the leg press machine that was being used by a Black Female. I kinda figured she was only in the gym to catch the attention of guys, and my thoughts were confirmed when I noticed she was only using 20 pounds of resistance on the machine lol…. Then she proceeded to play with her cell phone a dn check her hair in the mirror for 45 minutes..lol

  4. DemBoyz | July 7th, 2013
    +1

    I dont know what to say..I fucks with your wit and style of writing. Its (pardon the cliche) ‘real talk’. I especially like the ending declarations! Good job bruh.. Keep up the good work.

  5. Tee | July 7th, 2013
    0

    This is funny because I have spotted all of these at my gym, just didn’t know how to quite “name” them LOL NOW I DO!!! lol

  6. NutBuster | July 7th, 2013
    0

    This is too funny. The “Can I Work In” Guy usually wants to do more than work in a few sets with you. At least at my gym anyway. There’s one person missing from the list; The stinky guy/girl. You know the ones that come to the gym smelling like day old cabbage or rotten eggs. Then there’s the girl with the wolf pussy. You can actually smell her funky ass crotch working out on the machine next to you. All the smells around you it feels like you need a Hazmat suit just to work out.

  7. Ero11 | July 7th, 2013
    +1

    This shit is hilarious. Yeah…..and what about the locker room rats? You know………the guys you see at the gym everytime you go but only hanging out in the locker room. Whether you are coming going the same few guys are always there in their towel hanging out in the area between the shower and steamroom/sauna. …..and just yesterday I was at the gym…..and I don’t know if this is the norm at every gym or not, but the one I go to has this weird little area away from the lockers that I can only describe as a ‘dressing area’ or some shit……..anyway there was a brutha standing there yesterday(obviously gay) butt-ass naked rubbing lotion on every crevice his body…..and I mean bending over doing fucking calisthenic type moves while rubbing it on….for like 20 or so minutes! He was there when I went into the shower(and I took a long-ass shower); came out and went into the steamroom; then as I got dressed. And then unfortunately as I was dressing he was right behind me the whole time( the locker I had put my shit in was in direct proximity of this area) continuing his butt naked lotion rubbing session. It was the most awkward shit in the world.for me as I tried to get dressed without looking in his direction. Tried keeping my eyes down but they kept falling on brutha’s dick and ass. I found myself really resenting him for making me feel so uncomfortable.

    • Coshamo | July 7th, 2013
      0

      This is too funny. I have met “Mr. Lotion-me-up man” before. He’s really just a locker room exhibitionists. If someone makes me uncomfortable I usually engage them and make them very uncomfortable so that they don’t do that shit again. I would probably say something like, “you sure are slathering it on nice and thick, how do you get all of that off?” or “Is that stuff greasy because it looks like it glides and slides over your body, hey, I might try some of that… hey mind if I try some of yours?” That will teach their ass not to play games with me. Fuckers. Usually I don’t have any conversations in the gym at all. I take no prisoners because I am in the gym for one reason only, “TO GET IT IN AND GET OUT AND GET ON WITH MY DAY.”

  8. Coshamo | July 7th, 2013
    0

    I have encountered all of these psychos. I don’t talk to any of them. Cause they are all dipshits. You forgot the “STALKERS.” If you ever been to the gym you know exactly what and who I’m talking about. “Hey you fucking stalker get a goddamn life cause I will not be your prey today. Quit following me around.” Oh, and you forgot to mention, “Mr I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-i’m-doing.” Hey mr i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing, go to the front desk and get your membership revoked because you are always fucking with the equipment to do “2” reps when I am trying to get my set in…. fucking nincompoop…get a life, cause you don’t belong in the gym, but then again you do belong here with the rest of the fucking weirdos I see. Just stay the fuck outta my way before I have to bop your ass

  9. DAO81 | July 7th, 2013
    0

    I love this post…I have definitely encountered or seen several of this dudes at the gym…and no lie I even fall into one of the categories…yup I’m a mirror hog…my bad…lol!

  10. SB3000 | July 25th, 2013
    0

    LMAO! This is why I just look down, lol. But I am guilty of being a ‘social butterfly’ feeder, if you will. I just cant bring myself to be rude to the awkward little guys who just want to not feel so out of place.

  11. Dre G | August 16th, 2013
    0

    Omg the fem dudes I work with are always sporadically singing gospel lol

  12. J's Destiny | January 2nd, 2014
    0

    I have seen these and honestly admit when I first started at the gym, was a few of these. Now I am there and in my zone to do my thing and when these people are around me, I just SWERVE elsewhere!

  13. alton
    NYCforEVER | March 28th, 2014
    0

    f$%kin HILARIOUS, my dude. Only one of these I (luckily) never encounter at my gym is “Team J Set”. LOL I’m already a naturally angry/ easily irritated person, so I try to regulate my workout schedule to early mornings before work. Less people to irk the shit outta me.

  14. Shana | February 17th, 2015
    0

    The writer is most likely a gay white guy with a tiny penis. If you are paying that close attention to other men, ur gay. Why does the pyscho and the effeminate men have black men associated? Fire this moron!




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