For the most part I really enjoy going to the gym. The feeling of euphoria and bliss I get after a good workout for me is priceless. We all know diet and exercise provides countless health benefits and the gym can be great motivation to get you going in the right direction.
The gym also hosts a countless array of individuals who can and do annoy the hell out of me. It seems like twice a year (New Years and Pre-Summer) they gym becomes a holding tank of some of the most asinine folks you will every encounter. That is not to say the gym is not full of irritating folk on any giving day or time. It’s just seems during New Years and Pre-Summer there is more of an abundance of them.
Below I have compiled a list of some of the most annoying men in the gym. I am sure if you haven’t encountered them before, you will soon.
The “Can I Work In” Guy
This annoying fuck! This is the dude that “just happens” to want to use the same equipment as you but you can swear he is really following you around the gym. He always seems to show up when you are just starting your set or when you are in the zone asking the same questions; “Can I Work In” or “How Many Sets You Have Left”? When you tell him how many sets you have left, this loser will wait just a few feet away from you. He then will either pace around impatiently or awkwardly stare at you until you have finished your sets. He is also known to jump on equipment you are using without bothering to ask if you are finished.
Hey “Can I Work In” Guy get the fuck away from me…I can’t stand you!
The Space Invader
The “Can I Work In” Guy leads into the “Space Invader”. This is the fucker that finds a way to always be in your space even though the gym is over 5000 square feet. They can be seen or felt walking within inches of you in order to get to where ever the hell they are going in the gym. Whatever happened to the five foot rule? At all times (if possible) there should be a five foot invisible radius bubble that should not be penetrated. I feel like if said boundary is crossed the wizard from The Lord Of the Rings should jump out and scream “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
The nudist is typically a white male and of course is allergic to wearing a towel in the locker room and sauna. They feel comfortable walking around completely nude going to the toilet, at the urinal, shaving at the sink or holding conversations while standing with one leg propped up on the bench like the pirate on the Captain Morgan bottle. It is almost as if he doesn’t know he is naked.
They cause everyone to awkwardly walk around them making a conscious effort not to look down at their private parts that are airing out.
Good Sir…kudos to you for not being ashamed of your body but you make others uncomfortable by having your beans and frank front and center. So others will not hate being around you in the locker room, wear a damn towel.
The Secret Agents
The secret agents are the men who are pretending to be private investigator while avoiding the scorching solar flares that are raining down on them from the soft florescent lights in the gym. They can be easily spotted due to their baseball caps being pulled down so low over their eyes they need to tilt their heads back when they walk so they can see; these are the 008 secret agents. The 007 secret agents are in a class by themselves. They actually have to wear ultra-dark shades to the gym so they can spy on their potential suspects without being noticed. Hey dark shades guy…you look like stalker weirdo and I hate you!
The Screamers and Grunters
I think it is natural for some noise to be made when struggling to get out those last couple of reps.
The Screamers and Grunters sound like the male equivalent of giving birth. They also are known for making sure to drop or slam their weights as hard as possible on the ground so not only do you hear them but they want you to look at them as well. Really dude? Do you have to scream and grunt that loudly in the gym when lifting weights?
You are annoying and distracting and we all hate you!
The Peacock comes in all shapes and sizes. This Peacock’s feathers don’t have to be beautiful for him to strut his stuff or strike a pose. See the peacock is the guy in the gym who craves attention at all costs. He will attempt to show off his plumage to anyone (whether they want to see it or not) in hopes of getting attention; not realizing most of the attention he is receiving is negative.
Hey Peacock…you are a annoying douche bag and you need to sit the fuck down!
The Diva is the guy that feels everything he wears to the gym has to match and be color coordinated. From his shoes and shoe strings, to his socks, to his shorts, underwear, wrist bands, head bands, shirt, under shirt; everything has to match for the diva to feel comfortable while working out.
The diva can also be spotted wearing excessive jewelry (chains, watches, bracelets, rings, etc.) and will always make sure the entire gym is permeated with the cloud of cologne they need to spray on themselves before working out.
I get it… you are high maintenance and you feel you are constantly on stage performing so you always want to make sure your fans see you in your best light.
Dude, you are choking everyone with your cologne and we all hate you!
The Social Butterfly
These are the guys who use the gym as social time and not work out time. They can be seen flying from person to person talking about anything from work to travel to sports; there is no subject that is off limits. On any day they can be seen making the rounds to all the other gym regulars who were open or foolish enough to entertain a conversation with them.
Hey Social Butterfly; folk are trying to work out and no I didn’t see the game last night so shut the fuck up!
The “Fit” Fat Guy
This is the guy that may have played football or some other sport in high school or college and still periodically trains as if he is still on the team. He is easily spotted due to his tight shirt, missing neck, enormous non-defined arms, gigantic belly and wearing an old Gold’s Gym tank top. Usually he is also a “Social Butterfly” and will go out of his way to tell you about what tips and tricks you need to get in shape. He can be very loud while talking and is known to grunt loudly while lifting. Also is known to only really lift weights if a crowd is around. Hey Fit Fat Guy, you are no longer a jock, so stop attempting to relive your glory days of your state championship.
This is the dude that is mad at the world. He may have even been a bully in high school due to issues in the home. His court ordered psychologist or anger management coach told him that it would be a good idea to relieve stress and anger if he joined a gym.
Instead he is the same psychotic and angry asshole that grits and gives the evil eye to everyone in a 15 foot radius. He is also recognizable because he usually is a screamer while lifting weights and in between sets he walks around with his hands on his waist to give off an inflated sense of self.
Hey Psycho…no one hates you…please don’t kill us .
This bastard gets on my nerves and is not to be confused with “The Secret Agent”. This is the dude that stares at you for extended periods of time. They can be spotted pretending to talk or text on their cell phones while watching other’s reflection in the mirror.
No place in the gym is off limits, including the locker room. Stay clear of the gawker because you could end up as a an object of masturbation via a picture that he will take on his cell phone.
Hey gawker dude…you creep everyone the fuck out and we don’t just hate you; we wish you would go away and your gym membership revoked!
The Mirror Hog
This is the man that can be seen in any mirror in the gym flexing, posing and lifting up his shirt for his imaginary audience. This dude is on the same level as the “Diva” but not as flashy and not as extravagant as “The Peacock”. This person can be troublesome because they also can be “The Psycho”. Meaning that they will work out directly in front of the weight rack, which is directly in front of the mirror. So anytime you want to get dumbbells are re-rack your weights, you have to ask them to move or go around them. This of course adds to their already attention grabbing demeanor which in turn puts you in the awkward position to want to hit this mutha-fucker in his mouth. Hey mirror hog…we see you, now move asshole!
The “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy?
Yes and so can everybody else.
This is the idiot that feels the need to let everyone know their conversation as a way of seeking attention. They can be heard discussion business deals, finances, are their sex-capades, all in order to let others know how important they are.
Whether working out, on the treadmills, or in the locker room, they are not shy with letting you know why you should be paying attention to them and their conversation. Others possibly being distracted by their rudeness are of little concern. It’s your fault that you don’t know your world revolves around them. Hey fuck face…shut the fuck up and get your wack ass off your cell phone.
This idiot likes to hop from machine to machine doing super sets, tri-sets, or circuit training between 5 and 6 pm every evening during peak gym hours. He doesn’t care he is using 3 to 4 pieces of equipment at a time and others maybe waiting. What he does care about is his towel, keys, cell phone and water bottle that he has strategically placed on each piece of equipment as a marker or place holder to let you know every said piece of equipment is being used. Instead of arranging his circuit training during off peak times, it is better to inconvenience the gym public to work around his schedule. This gives more leverage and an excuse to the “Can I Work In Guy” to bug you during your work out. Hey jerk, bring your circuit training ass back on the weekends when the gym is less crowded.
The Zombie is the man who comes to the gym sick. He proceeds to sneeze, cough and hack repeatable without covering his nose or mouth. He can be seen sweating profusely, while wiping his nose and forehead on his sleeve. If he does actually blow his nose, he doesn’t wash his hands and just moves onto the next piece of equipment.
Hey you sick fuck, please keep you sick ass at home and stop infecting everyone in the gym with your germs!
The Work Out Entourages
Team Bromance/The Fitness Mob
This is the group of four or more dudes that have to work out together every time they are in the gym. They take up space and crowd whatever area they are in due to the over sized gym bags, water jugs and weight belts they carry around with them. Team Bromance can consist of “Divas”, “Peacocks”, “Fit Fat Guys” and “Social Butterflies”. They are loud, obnoxious and like to laugh out loud and make sure everyone hears the details of every conversation they are having. Also the term “bro” is used a lot when they talk to each other.
Hey Team Bromance, you all can’t lift and spot each other at the same time. Break that shit up and give others a chance to use the equipment.
Team J-Set/The Girl Group
This is the group of effeminate guys that roll in cliques of two or more. They can be spotted wearing multicolored tank tops, the occasional spandex shorts and flip flops or sandals. They primarily work on legs, calves and glutes and can break out in a church hymn or gospel song at a moment’s notice. Be careful because if you glance in their direction you may be paralyzed by the “Gay Face”.
They usually can be heard humming or singing Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, or Rihanna when they are power walking on the treadmill.
Team Back Packers
The Skinny Tough Guys
This group usually consist of newly high school graduates whose individual maximum weight is 138 lbs. They are usually skinny but very tough. You know they are tough because they either have on a tank top or a short sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up revealing their tattoos that they paid for with either birthday money, graduation money, or summer job money. They can be spotted with back packs full of large headphones, markers, iPads, iPods, Laptops, cell phones and Nintendo DS’s or PSP’s. They usually wonder around the gym aimlessly doing the occasional bench press, pull up, or dumbbell curl.
When they do lift weights, it is usually done with a weight that is far too heavy for them and when the one set is completed, they then will flex in the mirror immediately afterwards to show you how big they have gotten.
The Clueless Guy
This is the guy that is always asking everyone for work out tips and fitness advice. He usually can be spotted during bicep curls on the ab machine
The Puffer Fish
This is the guy that walks with his chest inflated and his arms far out from his sides when he walks like he is a huge body builder but is really a “skinny tough guy”.
Baby Legs is the guy with the huge chest and arms but has skinny legs because he doesn’t work anything below his waist. He typically thinks working legs is for sissies.
This is the nasty, unsanitary bastard who doesn’t wash his hands after his shitty ass takes a dump. He can also be seen walking around the locker room, showers and urinal area completely barefoot.
The 80’s Pirate
This is the guy who wears a bandana tied around his head, fanny pack and a pair of multicolored sweatpants as if he just got off a time machine from 80’s Muscle Beach.
I am sure you all have had your own encounters with some of the guys mentioned on the list or with some other annoying “types” I may have left off. Please feel free to share your experiences and feed back.