If you personally speak to any of us here at Cypher Avenue, we’ll freely admit that none of us are perfect. We’re just speaking our mind and sharing what we think is a minority opinion and viewpoint in the gay community: Masculine, Gay and an American Racial Minority.
having said that, we occasionally take stock of our own flaws and hold them up with the flaws of other men in our small (increasingly diminishing) community of masculine gay men of color.
This got me to thinking: As much as we’d like to rail against heterosexuals, we as a “community” are not much different than them in being damaged, hypocritical assholes….even to each other.
So while there are enough internal flaws we have to fill an encyclopedia, we’ve compiled a list of the Top Ten Fails that we here at Cypher Avenue feel are worth pointing out. We’ve tried to weed out the obvious issues like superficiality and just focus on the flaws that are more deep rooted and ignored. Let’s begin.
This “sexiness” requirement for friends also reinforces the misguided belief amongst Gay/Bisexual men that they must eventually exchange intimacy for friendship (or at least leave the possibility open). We live in a culture of gay men who believe that being sexually active with a “platonic best friend” is just par for the course. That “cuddling” with a platonic friend is okay. The proof is in the numbers. If you ask many gay men if they’ve HONESTLY ever “messed around” (or wanted to mess around) with any of their “friends” in any way, odds are they would say yes, usually when they first met.
Caucasian gays don’t seem to have this problem. At the slightest whiff of an offense, they go to war ordering drone attacks armed with glitter bombs. Example: GLAAD forced CNN to suspend Roland Martin after he merely tweeted a couple bad gay-themed jokes during the 2012 Super Bowl…on his day off work! Sex columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage led a successful 2003 campaign to publicly redefine the name of former Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum to mean, “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” due to the then-U.S. Senator’s views on Homosexuality.
Regardless of whether you think they were right in doing so, Caucasian gays demonstrated that their voices could be heard. Gays of color don’t seem to have the ability for that kind of outrage, let alone that level of call to action.
They embrace the term “submissive” not just when it comes to sexual positions (which is fine in itself), but also when it comes to other aspects of human behavior. These men are attracted to those that are “harder” and “more masculine” than themselves, disregarding their fellow feminine counterparts altogether when it comes to dating. They want to get married and be a wife, preferably a kept male ‘Basketball Wife’ at that. Oddly enough, you will also find many of these men using the term “bottom” as an insult to other gays and masculine men (i.e.: “Ugh, girl, he just a big ol’ tired bottom.”)
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Nick Delmacy
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I FOUND THIS ARTICLE TO BE VERY TRUE.A LOT OF GAY MEN DON’T CARE TO HEAR THE TRUTH.THEY DON’T HAVE THE GUTS TO BE TRUE AND TELL THE TRUTH.A LOT OF US JUST WANT TO STAY VICTIMS AND BLAME OTHERS FOR OUR FAILURES.IT TAKES REAL MAN TO SPEAK THE TRUTH, RESPECT THE TRUTH,RESPECT YOURSELF,AND RESPECT OTHERS.IN THIS LIFE YOU FOUND PEOPLE THAT LUST AFTER FLESHLY MATTERES AND IGNORE SPIRTUAL MATTERS.AFTER I MAKE THIS POST SERVERAL PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HAVE THERE SAY.BUT IT SAD WHEN YOU HURT IN SECRET AND YOU NEVER FOUND PEACE IN YOUR SOUL,YOU NEVER FOUND LIFE PARTNER,OR YOU DIE BEFORE YOU FIGURE OUT THE TRUE MEANING OF LIFE.NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM A LIE.WEATHER YOUR LYING TO SOMEONE ELSE OR WEATHER YOUR LYING TO YOURSELF. THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS SET YOU FREE AND LIE WILL TRAP YOU AND THE PEOPLE THAT CHOOSE TO HANG AROUND YOU.BEING GAY IS ONLY WHO I SLEEP WITH WHEN I GO HOME.ITS NOT MY WHOLE WORLD.I AM.THERES NO REASON I SHOULD CLOSE OUT THE WORLD BECAUSE I LIKE THE SAME SEX.ITS NOT THE WORLD PROBLEM THEY DON’T CARE.YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE YOUR SEXUAL DETAILS PUBLIC AND PLACE YOURSELF IN SMALL BOX WITH PEOPLE THAT THINK AND BEHAVE LIKE YOU.IM NOT SAYING BE ASHAMED OF BEING GAY IM JUST SAYING EVERYONE DON’T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.A LOT US LEAVE NOTHING TO IMAGINATION.PEOPLE LOVE ME EVERYWHERE I GO.I AM LOVED EVERYWHERE I GO.THE REASON BEING IM JUST MYRON.NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.I KNOW WHO I AM AND I DON’T NEED ANY TITLES OR GROUPS TO COMPLETE ME.JUST MY PRAYS,MY BIBLE, AND GOD.BE BLESSED
I feel you bro but it is healthy to be friends with other gays because they can offer a lot of support. I totally agree about the not telling all your business to everyone. Straight people don’t let me know that theyre straight so what do I owe them?
Don’t type in caps anymore lol you’re shouting at everyone
great article bro! I am going to email this to all my friends, whether they’re masculine or feminine because I think we all could learn from this. Keep these articles coming, you say things others are scared to say
I think this was the best article I have read on discreetcity.com yet. It had facts and solutions that can help everybody become better. I’m not saying there isn’t other great article but this one gets five stars. I have been threw and grown from most of these situations. It’s like a process I think all same gender loving man go threw.
I am working on standing up for rights myself and trying to find my place in it. I too notice that white people fight for their rights no matter what. The black community got a some freedom and just sat down and gave up. There is always work to do if you ask me.
I am now working on trying to open myself up back to all people. At first I only hung with hetros, then homosexuals, & now just myself. I have grown in this year of being a loner and I am ready to be an example like you said. I use to be all crazy bout da thug image myself. I have learned over a couple years or so that thugs are not what masculine is all about. Most of em I find quite fem in a lot of ways also. I now know I do like masculine man but it is the personality of wanting to protect and do the right thing that turns me on more then an image.
Growing is hard to do but it can be done and it don’t matter how young or old you are. It’s all about trying to be a better person and the rest will come. I believe that and I believe in this article and this site. I’m voting for this site at: http://blatinoawards.com/ right after this. GOOD LUCK & GREAT JOB!
Black brotha i agree with you.. this is one of if not the best ive read so far.
This article is the plain truth. As a gay masculine man, I can honestly say Ive seen so much of this going on. I don’t like fem, but I never bash them, I always support them, friendly to them, and look out for them. As far as church, I dont attend or represent a church for that very reason. I grew up in a very strict christian church that preached hate for gays, so I know exactly what this is all about. I love the site, think I found a new favorite.
This was really interesting. I can’t say that I don’t agree with anything mentioned on here. This article was a good read and gives us all a lot to consider while we reflect on who we are. Thanks for this!
Thanks so much for speaking truth.This article really hit home with me. If we could all learn not to be judgemental and realize as you all stated that we should all be constantly evolving and trying to improve ourselves our community would be a much better place.
This coming from a site that is “for and about masculine Black gay men.” Excuse me for not drinking the kool-aid. Isn’t one of the top 10 reasons someone would fail as a Gay/Bisexual man is by privileging masculinity? Is this site for gay/bisexual men or is it for masculine gay/bisexual men? Don’t pretend to tell me why I fail as a Black gay man when you are cutting out a huge swath of the Black gay community.
Anti_intellect…I agree that the putting “a site for masculine men of color” under the title of the blog is a bit “rude” as a natural fem man of color. This is their site/blog so they can title it however they please. But the article is/was geared to the entire gay community and it was very own point in my opinion. So if you can look pass your the slight discrimation in the name of the blog and really read the article. I think you can find some points/ideas they may help you become a better member of the blk gay community as a whole…I ran across this status on facebook and wanted to share…The way you look at me may not be the way I am. You may only see what you want to see. And, nothing I do, can change the way you look at me. Only you have the power to see me any other way than you do. And, since I have no power over how you choose to perceive, though you do not see all of me, then I can not worry about how you feel about me or ever attempt to please you. I can only be me and hope that you will still enjoy my company. But, if you choose not to keep my company, then I will survive and you will survive in each other’s absence. I will go on continuing to be me, and with hope that others will see the all of me, instead of what they do not see.
From the beginning this site was for what we feel was the underrepresented voice in the gay community; The gay masculine male of color. From the numerous emails and feedback we receive from both fem and non-fem men, we know we are not alone and many love the site but still disagree with some of our posts and comments.
We are still apart of the gay/homosexual/bisexual community…even if you don’t feel comfortable with us in it.
Our post will cover a range of topics dealing with the community as a whole OR other issues from the point of view through the lens of a masculine gay male of color. If you can’t relate or add some relevant insight to the conversation, maybe this is not the place for you…everything is not for everybody…so please feel free to KICK ROCKS!
EVERYTHING in this article was so on point and by far on the top lists of my favorite posts on here. Numbers seven and eight are particularly my favorite and all gay people should read this because we have to first take care of problems within our own community before we can expect acceptance and understanding from other communities. I am a big fan of Mary Mary and I must say it shocked me to read they’d make such a statement. I’m not trying to rob them of the opinion that they’re entitled to because they are only believing what the Bible says that they should believe. I’ve just always followed them, so that hurt just a tad LOL!
While I’m not against organized religion, I can’t say that I’m completely for it. I just had this discussion with a religious young lady on my job who wanted to “get to know me”. I explained to her that sin is defined as when a person’s actions negatively affect another person/situation/thing. I asked her how my actions of having a male partner hurts anyone and at first she was tongue tied. Then she said I’m defiling my temple. I asked how? She couldn’t give me a clear answer no matter how hard she tried. I was completely honest and explained to her that Christians often pick and choose what’s right and wrong from the Bible to best fit their situation.
Technically, anyone who follows the Bible word for word are hypocrites to their own cause because the Bible only speaks of one perfect being, God. The last time I checked, God himself did not come down and write the Bible and it undergone many translations and revisions before the final copy was established. That opens up the room for many, many errors. Of course they won’t admit to that.
I can go on forever on the topics covered in this post lol so let me just commend you on a fantastic job done.
Wow this is my first visit to this sight, it will not be my last. I’ve even enjoyed reading the comments. The articles and topics seem to speak to and for me in a lot of ways. I plan on sharing this with my close friends because this is something that we as masculine gay men need to talk more about. Thank You
I just found this site tonight, and I love it. I have not disagreed with anything so far. This post is powerful, and makes people look at themselves. I, as a cridical thinker, believe it is important to dive deep into our psychie, and the psychie of society. This is the first site that I have found that deals with SGL issues from a masculine prospective. I and we struggle to rise above judgementalness, and I love when I see that others are putting in the work to become better people on a deep psychological level.
i have realised that i have hidden myself from many this i can really appreaciate this email to stand for myself instead of playing a two-face individual although here in Africa things are seen to the extreme, people go overseas just to break free from the continent and centuries of beliefs. so living in a bubble is pretty much common here and people set high expectation just have practically impossible to find someone that will fill those criteria, not even themselves. As a result, people, including myself, will allow to have friends that despise homosexuals and speak despiteful things that i feel helpless but at the same time wanna shut them up. i know it is not easy for anyone but in africa it is a new topic. everyday i keep on reading articles that i havent read, they keep accepting who i am and start to build my confidence, so thank you.
Verrrry well-written piece. I recognized each and every “character” described. Mos def worth sharing with friends.
I ran across this site while looking for news on L.A.Complex. I stayed and read this article along with several others, but this one I wanted to comment on. You guys are on point with a lot of your views. You echo what I have been saying for years. We spend too much time as gay/bisexual men whether masculine/feminine trying to fit into a society where we are not going to be completely accepted no matter what we do. We don’t let our buying power display our disapproval with Hollywood and the music industry. We spend way too much time creating drama and tension where there should be harmony and peace. We have our standards well above what we have on our own. This I consider madness. We are an under-represented segment in a society that wishes we would just go away and we don’t have the sense to work together regardless of our gender ideals. I could go on and on. I just don’t see how we don’t take the time to reflect on ourselves and our community and try to make it better. We need unity and not discord. It does not matter if you are masc/fem. out/discreet. things are going to get much worse if we don’t work as a community and not as pockets of like minded individuals separated by distance and only come together at pride events for some anonymous sexual encounters.
While this article has many valid solution for issues that afflict our community and would be a good read for any gay man or indeed some solutions are great for any man straight or gay the obvious disgust for feminine men is quite apparent and disgusting. I personally fall into that middle category not quite feminine but not quite masculine enough and so while if i wanted to i could put on the act quite convincingly and live in that masculine world or I could queen out throw on a purse grab the nearest pair of red bottoms and parade my self down the street. I opt to be me what ever that entails on any particular day. This article does not promote just being your self and being proud of who that is while trying to tackle our cultural issues like dealing with straight friends but instead takes not so blatant jabs at feminine gay men through out. How can you uplift your community while holding others down. Isn’t it bad enough that outside of our little community (and it is little) no matter how “straight” we are we are looked down upon, that we further divide ourselves into masculine and feminine and we follow our straight counter parts by belittling the feminine individuals in our community. I totally understand that the most visible members of our community are not masculine and more than likely do not make up the majority of its members and furthermore that many probably do fall prey to the idea that if they want to “fit in” they must assimilate. Additionally, that what is reflected in your personal mirrors is not what is reflected in the media and you want to be a voice for that missing gay black masculine man. There is no need to step on the heads of feminine men to do that. You cannot continue to use examples of feminine dudes in a negatives light over and over and over again and than say “oh but be who you want to be its ok” . This is not the way to solve the issues, uplift the community at large, stop being “hypocritical assholes”, or bring the black gay community together as a whole. SMH
Amazing Article. I like how you called out gay men to do something or shut up. I myself am still trying to find that balance when it comes to that. Although a majority of my friends know about me (a majority of my friends are MMA fighters) and they accept me, I always feel like “Hey, good enough for me.” I will soon figure how to solve that. And speaking of that “Bubble” OMG I feel you guys on that. I have a friend of mine who says to me all the time that he cant stand being around straight people too long. Its like opposite of me so to speak. I have more straight friends than gay ones, mainly because the majority of my friends are, again fighters, and they know about me so there is never a reason for me to really go out there and make friends strictly on the basis that they are “gay”. I found that is the strangest part of the community. Just because were all attracted to other men shouldn’t be the basis of friendships. It should be deeper than that.
I am new to this site but I stumble across a link someone shared. I usually shy away from list like this because often they are written using very narrow stereotypes in which I found in some of the remarks. However, I found this list to be honest in the interpretation of said stereotypes. But what bothers me is that this list is the same type of public shaming that is experienced in the larger black male psyche, grouping, stereotyping, and shaming. What purpose does it actually serve? If you are taking the time to comment on a post like this then I think its preaching to the choir, if you are an outside observer it would seem strange and only give others examples of stereotypes to exploit. Just my observations.
Can we get a formal definition of shaming?
Thanks for checking out the site and commenting. I think one thing this article and this website tries to face issues, topics and realities that we see in our “community” head-on. Too many media personalities and websites like to speak on issues one way in public but in a REAL way in private. Kinda like politicians. We like to do the opposite. We feel that way encourages real conversation and possible action for change. Being real, sometimes people need to be publicly “shamed” in order to change their ways. That show CATFISH is all about that. Its not until the catfish is “shamed” that he/she changes their ways.
I think it’s actually hypocritical to “shame” masculine gay men who make fun of feminine – or let’s be honest: queeny, bitchy gay men. Time and time again I have been verbally attacked by such types or gauked at with distaste or creepy fascination without me even knowing or attacking them. So, I do make fun of such guys amongst friends when we all know them – as they might be colleagues etc – and those friends *know* I’m homo. This point was rather overtly simplistic in an otherwise interesting article.
And, who has not been attacked by queens online simply for disagreeing? Or eg for pointing out that drag queens are not really helping people to get rid of stereotypes?
People who continuously and overtly proclaim themselves to be victims – especially when it’s more about getting attention than real homophobia issues – often are in fact also aggressors – without them realising it.
Besides, I think the “feminine” or “queeny” act is not “natural” – it derives from a deep, crushing insecurity as you will also find straight men acting similar when they’ve got severe issues with themselves or are just temporarily very nervous.