PictureIf you personally speak to any of us here at Cypher Avenue, we’ll freely admit that none of us are perfect. We’re just speaking our mind and sharing what we think is a minority opinion and viewpoint in the gay community: Masculine, Gay and an American Racial Minority.

having said that, we occasionally take stock of our own flaws and hold them up with the flaws of other men in our small (increasingly diminishing) community of masculine gay men of color.

This got me to thinking: As much as we’d like to rail against heterosexuals, we as a “community” are not much different than them in being damaged, hypocritical assholes….even to each other.

So while there are enough internal flaws we have to fill an encyclopedia, we’ve compiled a list of the Top Ten Fails that we here at Cypher Avenue feel are worth pointing out. We’ve tried to weed out the obvious issues like superficiality and just focus on the flaws that are more deep rooted and ignored. Let’s begin.


Picture

 
Picture

 
Right now, across countless of online profiles, gay men are proclaiming that they’re looking for “friends only.” The problem is that not only are they advertising their desired friendship with misleading half-naked (or fully naked) photos, they’re also judging candidates primarily based on looks. Attractive face pics, desirable physical stats and washboard abs supersede quality conversation, personality compatibilities and substance. Such superficial criteria for a friendship usually foreshadows problems in the future. We see the results of this time and again.
 
Examples: One friend begins to catch unrequited feelings for the other. Or Jealousies are manifested when/if the new friend starts dating other people. Or Insecurities become magnified. And even messy instances of distrust and infidelity amongst the new sexy friend and their current boyfriend have been observed.

This “sexiness” requirement for friends also reinforces the misguided belief amongst Gay/Bisexual men that they must eventually exchange intimacy for friendship (or at least leave the possibility open). We live in a culture of gay men who believe that being sexually active with a “platonic best friend” is just par for the course. That “cuddling” with a platonic friend is okay. The proof is in the numbers. If you ask many gay men if they’ve HONESTLY ever “messed around” (or wanted to mess around) with any of their “friends” in any way, odds are they would say yes, usually when they first met.

Picture

 
If you’re really just looking for friends, take the time to get to know people no matter what they look like. If a person, regardless of appearance, can make you smile, laugh, feel comfortable, inspire trust, better yourself and mentally challenge your previously held beliefs in a positive way…That is a person you should have in your life. Start off with honesty. If you ultimately desire a relationship, say so. If you ultimately desire a sex buddy, say so. And for God’s sake, change your profile photo. Your naked dirty-mirrored bathroom pics say you just want to get fucked, not that you just want to get friends.
 
 
Picture

 
Picture

 
Almost daily, gays of color self-righteously cry foul when they see someone or something that peripherally criticizes feminine men, Transgenders and/or their favorite pop diva (Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Monica, etc). Even this website has seen it. We’ve never name-called or verbally bashed feminine men here but we’ve been called everything in the book by our feminine commenters. The problem is they never show this same indignation for instances of REAL blatant homophobia demonstrated by state/federal laws, popular media and celebrity entertainers.
 
When actor/singer Tyrese offended gays by banning all men from his concerts, they protested him by buying his new album and book instead. Every weekend black gays dance to the music of homophobic rappers and singers without missing a beat, especially during the reggae and dancehall sets. Notoriously homophobic singer (and convicted diva-beating felon) Chris Brown has legions of gay “stans” all over Twitter and BGClive who will quickly defend him, with 140 grammatically incorrect characters of text, in a heartbeat.

Caucasian gays don’t seem to have this problem. At the slightest whiff of an offense, they go to war ordering drone attacks armed with glitter bombs. Example: GLAAD forced CNN to suspend Roland Martin after he merely tweeted a couple bad gay-themed jokes during the 2012 Super Bowl…on his day off work! Sex columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage led a successful 2003 campaign to publicly redefine the name of former Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum to mean, “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” due to the then-U.S. Senator’s views on Homosexuality.

Regardless of whether you think they were right in doing so, Caucasian gays demonstrated that their voices could be heard. Gays of color don’t seem to have the ability for that kind of outrage, let alone that level of call to action.

Picture

 
Get up, get out and DO SOMETHING! When a singer or rapper says, does or tweets something homophobic stand to your principles and boycott them. People of color have an economic power that they’ve seemed to have forgotten about since the days of the bus boycotts. When you see laws passed that negatively affect gays, turn into the equivalent of lesbian television host Rachel Maddow and actually get mad, voice your disapproval to all that will listen! When you see films/TV shows that perpetuate gay stereotypes, call them out for their bullshit and don’t support them. 
 
 
Picture

 
Picture

 
As a masculine discreet gay man, you have an ability that feminine men do not possess. You can live life as a homosexual without having to wear it on your sleeve. Some people call fems “courageous” for being openly gay. This is reaching since they really don’t have much choice in the matter. They couldn’t plausibly be closeted even if they wanted. But masculine gay men can believably live a gay life while not having it superficially define them to the masses if that is what they desire. The problem arises when these masculine men become hypocrites, bashing fem gays in public amongst heterosexuals to deflect attention from themselves.The worst perpetrators are not the “down low” men in denial. The worst of the bunch are the masculine men who have accepted their sexuality, know how tough the struggle is, yet they still go out of their way to publicly ridicule/bash/advocate-against feminine gays for the sole purpose of making their hetero buddies not think they are gay themselves.
Picture

 
Shut the fuck up! Simple as that. If you have straight friends who are making crude jokes about a gay waiter in a restaurant and you’re too chicken shit to put them in their place, just shut the fuck up. Adding fuel to the fire just compromises your integrity and reinforces ignorance amongst the breeders. Also, when those friends eventually do find out that you’re gay (and they always eventually do find out), you’ll look like a big fucking fraud, making it worse. Just look to the many right wing conservative politicians and church leaders who have been Outed as the hypocrites they are.
 
It already shows your lack of character that you would surrounded yourself with so-called friends who openly show homophobia…the same so-called friends who would likely distance and ridicule you if/when they find out you are gay (and they always eventually do find out). Don’t add to your lack of self respect by hypocritically joining them. So to solve your problem, just shut the fuck up.
 
 
Picture

 
Picture

 
We see it all the time, the gay men with the laundry list of expectations for others when it comes to dating and friendships. Profiles exclaim: Must be mobile. Must be attractive. Must be in-shape. Must be masculine. When/If we finally meet them, we discover that they themselves are car-less, not attractive, out-of-shape and barely even passably masculine.
 
This also applies to finances and education. Many of these guys have the dream of meeting a wealthy, sexy, masculine, six-packed man who’s not too old or too young, has a Masters degree and a 6-bedroom home that they can eventually move into with their small dog. But when it comes to themselves, requirements dip to a lower standard. To them, their gym-deprived bodies earning an hourly salary at a mall-job to pay rent at a 3-roommate apartment is more than adequately acceptable to attract the Mr. Right described above.
Picture

 
This is an obvious two-fold answer: Simultaneously lower and raise your expectations. Lower your expectations for a potential partner, raise them for yourself. Many of us can look to our parents as an example. If our mothers/fathers had held out for someone completely “perfect,” many of us would have never been born.Turn a mirror on all of your requirements for a mate and ask yourself, “Am I really meeting my own expectations? Would I be attracted to myself?” If the answer is no, work towards getting there. As mentioned in the first section, if you meet a person (regardless of appearance, education or wealth) who he can make you smile, laugh, feel comfortable, inspire trust, etc…that is a person you should have in your life.

 

Picture

 
Picture

 
Whenever the issue of extreme male femininity comes up, effeminate gay men pull the “Patriarchy” card. These men haughtily exclaim that gender roles that have been established over millions of years of human evolution should now be discarded so that modern men can wear makeup, purses and high-heeled boots without a second look. The contradictions arise when these same men, typically bottoms, seek to fit into traditionally female gender roles when it comes to relationships and sexual partners.
By all accounts, these men seemingly want to act and be treated as women, yet maintain a “masculine” designation. They admonish “Patriarchy” while celebrating “Matriarchy” (inspired by their pop-diva idols). They believe that masculine men should only be with feminine men, just like heterosexual men are with women. In regards to gay couples, one fem commenter on our site stated: “I’m just a believer in a masculine and feminine pairing.”

They embrace the term “submissive” not just when it comes to sexual positions (which is fine in itself), but also when it comes to other aspects of human behavior. These men are attracted to those that are “harder” and “more masculine” than themselves, disregarding their fellow feminine counterparts altogether when it comes to dating. They want to get married and be a wife, preferably a kept male ‘Basketball Wife’ at that. Oddly enough, you will also find many of these men using the term “bottom” as an insult to other gays and masculine men (i.e.: “Ugh, girl, he just a big ol’ tired bottom.”)

Picture

 
If you’re against patriarchy and the perpetuation of a rigid masculine gender role, then it all has to go. You either want traditional heterosexual depictions of couples and roles to be thrown out or you don’t, you can’t have it both ways. Also, shouting the patriarchy label disrespects the women in feminist movements of the past who actually suffered for being female. This is just as fallacious as when Caucasian gays comparing themselves to those who suffered in the Black American Civil Rights Movement. If you are a man who is naturally feminine, that is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. If a gay person is not attracted to you for dating/friendship for that reason, move on to another. With 7 billion people in the world, this shouldn’t be a problem.
 
SEE THE NEXT 5 REASONS THAT GAY MEN #FAIL ON THE NEXT PAGE!