ESSAY – I Will Not Apologize and I Will Not Be Silent!
As Discreet City reaches the one year mark and grows in popularity, the feedback and personal emails that we receive also continues to grow.
The majority of these messages are from readers who really enjoy or website regardless if they agree with the views expressed. These messages are encouraging, engaging, thankful, critical and congratulatory in nature.
We also received messages that have a more negative or angry tone. They have less constructive criticism and are heavy on the attitude. Many are thick with adjectives and psychological analysis that is tailor made, even though the writers of said messages have never seen or met me before in life.
Homophobe, down low, femophobe, superiority complex, fem bashing, fem obsessed, ashamed of my sexuality, non-inclusive to gays, are just a few of the words and phrases that fill some of these messages directed towards myself; however nothing could be further from the truth.
While in corporate America I’ve learn that the intent behind your words sent out via email can be perceived very differently by the recipients who view them. The same goes for text messages and obviously the words that I have typed in my posts. I feel that this may be the case with some of the angry feedback and emails I receive, but I don’t think it applies to all of them.
If you are masculine, you are ashamed of your gayness and attempting to fit in with the heterosexuals. If you don’t have a rainbow sticker or HRC bumper sticker on your car, you’re hiding. If you’re not in a hurry to get married to the same sex, you’re not progressive or down with the gay rights movement. If you are not proudly announcing your love of dick or male asshole to everyone who walks by, then you are closeted. If you don’t live a gay lifestyle, participate in the marches and pride events, then you are down low.
Before I continue, let me clearly again set the record straight…
I have no problem with effeminate men…none once so ever! My current employer is extremely gay friendly and we have been voted one of the Top 50 places to work in Atlanta two years in a row. My manager is effeminate and I love working with him. In my own 20 year employment history, his professionalism ranks up there in the top 3 of all the managers or supervisors I have worked for. I had an effeminate guy on my team a couple of years ago who performs in drag pageants on the weekends and we got along great.
There is nothing weak about femininity. To say so would be an insult to my mother and grandmother. Strength can be mental or physical and I have met many weak minded masculine men who acted like insecure boys.
We all deserve or have a right to freedom, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Gay effeminate men include. This group deserves respect like any other. Again I have no problem with effeminate men (I am sure these statements will be ignored).
I love my homosexuality. I have no problem with my natural self at all. I don’t think there is anything wrong or abnormal with homosexuality and recently discussed this in a previous post.
I am not hiding or on the DL. I have never dated or had sex with a man or woman behind either’s back at the same time and never will. I am not closeted. My mother knows of my sexuality along with close friends.
As a result my critical thinking and analysis developed from the “outside”…not part of a collective.
Years ago after I was introduced to the gay lifestyle, those feelings of being on the outside unexpectedly resurfaced. My ignorance and naivete made me think that I would be a part of some wonderful homosexual band of brothers. My innocence was soon lost. Everyone around me was focused on superficial bullshit; materialism, drugs, alcohol, reckless promiscuity, having men sponsor and support them, fiscal irresponsibility, going to the club every other day, no man being off limits (gay, straight, in a relationship or not) for sexual escapades. Even though I was partaking in some of the activities, I still felt as though I was not a part of this lifestyle.
I remember going out alone one night to the club and feeling grief and sadness as I stood and watched all the young men. No hints of masculinity in sight. Young men with loose lips fluently calling each other bitches and girls. What was wrong with masculinity, I thought? I felt like masculinity had been rejected as a sense of one’s self identification but yet my masculine self was sought after for the entire time that I was in the club as if I was a commodity or object.
After a couple of years I realized this “lifestyle” was not for me and I withdrew from it, never to look back.
When I write posts about femininity, my words are not thoughts of disdain against effeminate men. They are words of disdain towards the unfair and unbalanced representation of homosexual men in all forms of media worldwide. I speak out against what I see. 95% of homosexual men in media are effeminate. I would say 80% of those men are white.
Others including myself are tired of seeing the same feminine stereotypes being repeated and masculine homosexual men marginalized to only being the objects of sexual desires or a goal to be obtained at the end of a movie or novel.
The baseless argument is “well if more masculine men were out of the closet, then you would see them on television.” WRONG! A total of ZERO masculine men needs to be out of the closet for a writer to include a fictional masculine homosexual man into a television or movie script! There are plenty of gay writers out there that know we exist, but again they make us the objects of sexual desires or something to be conquered by the end of a movie or story.
Another baseless argument is that “Discreet City needs to be more inclusive and help unite the gay community and that Discreet City excludes and bashes fems”…Really?
Let me explain something…In my many years on the internet, I have visited numerous websites that cater to black gay men. These websites offer an over abundance of pop diva worship, women’s fashion and models, gossip, pride marches, clubs, parties, and anything else with a feminine slant.
I have never come across a gay website, specifically a black gay male website that ever spoke to or addressed my hobbies, thoughts, general interests, movie or music interests, and concerns from a masculine male homosexual perspective. The only time men who look like me were / are shown on these websites are for their desirable masculine sexual aura or some sports athlete to be gawked over. Masculine men are nothing but a footnote or pause in the typical black gay website’s flow. So who is the one really being excluded here? This is one specific reason Discreet City was created.
“Republican homosexuals are treated as villains. Libertarians are scoffed at. Constitutionalists are trivialized. Anyone who doesn’t agree with a feminist perspective is ridiculed. Masculine-identified men are labeled as internally homophobic. But it is worse than that. The current gay “culture” fosters young adults into a world of designer drugs, materialism, body dysmorphia – bigorexia and anorexia, classism and a plethora of other social maladies.” Jack Malebranche
I see it every day. Anytime there is a dissenting point of view from the gay mainstream on any issue. The unity preaching, diversity loving, all inclusive gays go on the attack while hurling insults. Just look at some of the feedback in our previous posts. They always scream diversity as long as it fits neatly into their gay bubble.
There are plenty of young homosexual men out there who may not have developed a sense of self as of yet. They are lost looking for mentors, friends or anything to latch onto for a sense of belonging. There are a significant number of young homosexual men out there who are naturally effeminate…no big deal. But what about the ones who may not be but are shaped by what is thrown at them daily? The unbalanced images of effeminate gay men in media can and does affect a subconscious young homosexual mind.
If images of effeminate men are all the examples that are displayed, it can lead them to question “Is this who I am and is this how I am supposed to be? Is this what being gay is all about?”
I have seen (as I am sure many of us have) young homosexual men who get into the “gay” life and become a part of a clique. Over time they pick up the clique’s tics and mannerisms. Who is to say that these men that joined the group were just repressing their femininity before and now as a part of the group, they are more comfortable being themselves? But what about the young man that was not repressing his effeminate self before but is now slowing became effeminate because he thinks this is how “gays” are supposed to act?
The gay mainstream preaches acceptance and tolerance for all; however when concerns are raised for the lack of masculinity or masculine representation, the gay alarm sounds and the accusations of “internalized homophobia” defense flag is raised.
Funny how when inspirational, positive, informative all inclusive posts concerning homosexuality or the gay lifestyle are published on Discreet City; barely any comments are left. The naysayers that call us homophobes and fem bashers are eerily silent. Why is that?
As I stated above, masculine homosexual point of views are missing from many gay websites out there as if we are not worthy enough to be included, why?
Either way, I understand that these websites don’t cater to and therefore are not for me. I don’t go to those sites and attack them. But for some strange reason many feel that Discreet City should be all inclusive to all gays? They also think being pro-masculine somehow equals being anti-feminine, which is not the case. If you think or feel this way, that is your baggage and your dilemma. This is your perception, not my reality.
Christians, Jews, Muslims all have their own websites and functions. That doesn’t mean they are anti the other religions. Should a Muslim go over to ChristianSingles.com and bash their website and tell them they need to be inclusive of all religious singles and include Muslims? Give me a break.
I have been to other website threads and witnessed effeminate gays bickering and viciously attacking each other on a multitude of issues concerning pop culture and gossip. Everyone was picking sides and no one was saying “oh wait, but we we need to stick together”.
Heterosexuals don’t agree on every issue but somehow the ideal is that gay people are not regular people, we are special people and so we should be able to form a unified front and not have any dissenting thoughts from one another. As if we are one collective like the Borg on Star Trek. What’s interesting is that many other blogs attack us for not being all inclusive but yet they don’t have the same criticism for the gossip and diva worshiping coven of black gay websites patrons who constantly bicker over foolishness.
People are all individuals; not some collective, faceless, think less thing that forms into a unified blob of cells. Other’s opinions, thoughts or ideals are not the problem. The problem is being closed off and not open minded to the other opinions, thoughts and ideals.
The argument has been said that Discreet City is bashing femininity and is fem obsessed. Yet less than 10% of a year’s worth of posts is dedicated to this subject.
Can you imagine me going over to Cosmo or Essence magazine’s website or better yet going over to a website that caters to transgender women and telling them they need to be less feminine and their feminine ideas are rigid? I can’t envision myself telling them that they need to redefine their femininity and their feminine views are archaic and outdated. If I did, I would get lampooned! However, Discreet City gets the equivalent of this on a daily basis.
It seems to be okay for feminist men and women to tell me my masculinity needs to be redefined or disposed of because they think it is outdated or it makes them feel uncomfortable or not included. This is non-sense. Please get over yourself.
Then there are those who request… “Can you define masculinity or what exactly is masculine?”
Not only do you know what masculinity is not, what’s peculiar is that I have never in my entire life had a masculine man ask me to define masculinity, only effeminate men. I don’t think that is a coincidence.
To me it seems like the feminist or effeminate men may have had negative experiences with an oppressive masculine man at some point in their life. At the hands of an abusive father figure, strife with a dominate masculine male sibling or being the target of bullies and jocks in school. For many, masculinity may equate to something dysfunctional, negative or adverse.
There is good and bad in everything and masculinity is no exception. I have come across numerous masculine and effeminate men who were jerks. This doesn’t mean I think a way of life or personality trait needs to be eliminated or redefined. Effeminate men and feminist women in their attempts to re-define masculinity are trying to impose their personality and behavioral traits on me. What happened to accepting everyone for who they are? They do as long as it fits into that mainstream big gay bubble.
Again for me it is all about balance and lack of representation. I remember years ago watching a cable news show and there was a white conservative male debating a black liberal male about whether or not having a station titled BET (Black Entertainment Television) is racist and discriminatory to whites. The white conservative said “why do you feel the need to have a station like BET, don’t you feel it’s discriminatory to whites?” The black person replied, “The reason BET exist is because whites have everything else. Blacks don’t see our likeness, hear our voices or points of view on any other network or stations except when crime or negative statistics are the topic of discussion.”
Through media influence and dominance, stereotypes have been perpetuated the depict blacks as criminals and the majority of gay men as effeminate. This view is shared by many worldwide both in and out of the black and gay communities, even though we know it is not true.
BET still mentioned discriminatory practices committed by whites and other nationalities towards blacks on their nightly and weekend news shows. That did not mean they were an anti-white network.
My masculinity means being in love with and in tune with my maleness. Having pride with and in my maleness. Being strong, humble, sensitive, caring and empathetic. It is not something that is made up and needs to be redefined…it’s within. This is not my only definition but it is a part of the whole.
It’s not just about being aggressive, dominate and authoritarian which many associate with masculinity, even though these traits can be found in any group or class. I am not ashamed and I will not soften or dim my masculine light so others can shine and feel included.
Hundreds of Discreet City supporters out there share the same sentiments.
I will continue to speak out against and have dissenting thoughts and opinions towards the unfair and unbalanced mainstream gay media. This does not mean I hate feminism or anti-fem…completely not true. There are many ideals of the gay and feminist movements that I support but there are also many of their thoughts that I don’t.
We are attempting to bring about balance and represent the points of view of masculine homosexual men. This website is here because the gay rights movement and feminist political correct leaning schools of thought have all forms of media on lock down and allows no dissenting views or opinions… BUT
Discreet City is here. I will not apologize and I will not be silent!
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