This post is to simplify what causes the Down Low…
Who is to blame for the DL lifestyle? We all are! Men, women, church, society etc. Now before I really get started, let me say in no way or reason am I condoning this type of behavior. Lying and deceiving is wrong to yourself and others. I am a believer when you intentionally go out and cause ill will to others, the universe will need to balance itself out and your misdeeds will come back to you. Let’s also state the obvious; that the DL lifestyle can and does lead to diseases being spread to partners of the men practicing this lifestyle. This is partly the reason new HIV cases are the highest amongst women of color.
But let me stop for a second and let’s take a trip down memory lane. Infidelity in marriages or unions has existed since civilizations began. In different periods in our existence, it has been accepted or not accepted. But let me not get that deep in that subject in this post. Do you remember when “DL” didn’t mean “DL”? Remember when DL meant keeping something on the down low; keeping something a secret or hidden. Now fast forward years later, after R.Kelly’s song “Down Low” and now down low specifically means homosexual or bisexual men cheating or their wives or girlfriends with other men. This happens in all races and societies but for the sake of this post, let’s focus on the causes of the Down Low lifestyle in the African American community.
Children are extremely impressionable. Some tend to watch what they say around children, but don’t filter their comments when it comes to their dislike for homosexuality. So by the time these masculine young boys approach puberty (for some a lot earlier) they begin to recognize they are different. They know that their “difference” is not accepted in their community and society. They hear the talk in the neighborhood, on the basketball court, in the locker rooms and know that their “difference” needs to be hidden and not exposed or face bullying and backlash that can be crippling for our young boys self esteem, psyche and awareness. So they have a common sense and logical reaction; they don’t want to stand out, they want to be normal, they don’t want to go to hell, they don’t want to disappoint their families, they want to fit in and not be labled a punk or sissy. And for the next 10-15 years these thoughts become reality, this reality becomes actions, these actions can manifest into a down low lifestyle because of the denial and self hate of being homosexual or bisexual.
Where is your girlfriend? You are so handsome, why are you single? You like woman don’t you? When are you gonna get married? You don’t have ANY kids? Are just a few questions these boys, now young men have to face and evade. These men having a steady diet of the aforementioned conditioning now have to make some tough decisions…be happy, true and love themselves or possibly have the family and friends they love, disown them and cast them out and drag their names through the mud and make their private sexuality a public spectacle for all to glare at in disgust. Having to be labeled a faggot, sissy, punk, faggot ass nigga. Then the ultimate…being labeled with the dreaded word “gay”. Being associated with the salacious, over sexed, half naked, ultra feminine and flamboyant gay men you see on the floats at the gay pride parades. Having their manhood questioned and being accused of wanting to really be a woman or being less then a man.
Please understand that these things are deathblows to a masculine homosexual man’s pride, self esteem and psyche. Which is why many commit suicide or turn to self destructive behavior like drugs or alcohol so as to not have to face these very complicated and complex life decisions.
OR they do the opposite…they follow the route that they think is easier, they conform; get a girlfriend or get married and begin to live a false life so as to not face the reality; that they are indeed homosexual / bisexual men. So their Down Low lifestyle begins…a life of sneaking, hiding, lying and deceptions.
-Octavius
AMEN!!! You have, indeed, told my life story (as well as that of so many others). True, even the most sensitive & understanding friends, relatives & church members suddenly let the venom flow when the subject of “them sissies” comes up. Although my ex-wife knew about my “past” when we got together, we could never achieve that ‘oneness’ that TV couples had. It was she who finally suggested “Why don’t I just step put of the way, so you can explore that side that you have, obviously, been suppressing.” To this day, we still remain great friends. I now view my 13 year marriage as a tool that God used to give me my three wonderful children. My only regret is that I ‘wasted’ so much of HER time. Now, I am what a friend of mine calls “in the closet with the door open”…if someone asks or figures it out, cool, but I feel no need or responsibility to do the public declaration thing. I’m learning to love me more daily.
you are truly one in a million. At least you and you wife talked about .all i got was i dont know what i wanted dick or pussy .well he was really speaking for his self he did not know what he wanted ass or pussy excuse my grammar but im just keepin it real so you can know what ive been through.ive found out when he left 6 black gay porno in my phone.i couldnt sleep for weeks.i wanted to actually kill him.believe me god was with that fool.thanks for your feed back 🙂 god bless you.
Glad this struck a cord with you and so many of us can relate to it. I love the line though “In the closet with the door open”. That is how I feel also…lol. Thanks for visiting our website and please help us spread the word.
what if you tell your partner that you where bi woman and all he did was dog you for bein bi .then you find out his ass was on the downlow .wheres the honest in that? but you tell me there no need to use condoms? putting my life at risk. 🙁 as of now i hate all men of any race.and no im not a lez either .i dont feel for no one sexually anymore 🙁
My Lady, you need to course correct and change that attitude ASAP. The “fuck all men shit” will get you no where in the long run and you could actually block someone honest, loving and positive from coming into your life.
As someone who is very honest, open, love to communicate and values commitment; I was once a fucked up dude. We all can change, grow and evolve as human beings when we know there is a better way and we want to live our lives open and stress free. Please don’t give up…believe me.
I love this article so much!! I feel like it really hits home why the DL phenomenon really does exist!! More people need to read this so they can understand why does it go on. Good job man, looking forward to reading more of your articles.
I really think its the society to blame, along with the bible. If ppl stop walking around as if gay is the worst thing that could happen more men and woman wouldn’t feel the need to hide.
When I think of a black man I use to think strong tough hard working masculine protector of black women and father of black children A KING. Now its a sadness that comes over me I’m so paranoid for my 4 black sons. I’ts embarrassing to our race. When I see a black man I always wonder is he gay? But I don’t feel that way when I see other races of men, I think that is because I don’t care if they are gay, they are not Kings in my eyes. I wish black men could realize that its a demonic spirit. I believe that people hide things because they don’t want you to know the truth and they don’t want you to know the truth because they know it’s wrong. If your doing something good and right you want everybody to know about. I hate gay men who dress in drag publicly. What is a little black boy suppose to think if he sees a black man dressed or behaving like his mama, I consider that child abuse. First it was drugs destroying our people now its Dick and funky assholes. I prayed for my husband and GOD sent him to me the next day, I pray that he is not on the DL and I have never seen any tendencies i have caught him looking at women on the internet in his phone online, he has never tried to sodomize me nor asked, I”ve asked him to and he said he didn’t want any shit on his dick. My heart is so broken by my black men. Homosexuals should not be allowed to adopt children or have children in my opinion which is right. If you want kids you should be straight every child deserves to have a mother and father in the home, not two of the same that does,t even make since. Sin is never acceptable what’s next we’re gonna start having dogs and cats as mates. Sick ass hell! GOD is not coming fast enough!
Wow, so much learned HATE from the previous post. What’s even more odd is this person was bold enough to name him/herself repent with this deep HATE and speaking of sinning based on what he/she has been taught. Of course none of the sins that you have learned about made an impression on your from YOUR LEARNING other than the one that mentions homosexuality. I am absolutely CERTAIN that there are several things that I disagree with about you, what you do, and who you are in your personal life. I’ve already noticed from your writing that you play victim to what you do not agree with and SPREAD HATE to other humans when you are ONLY A HUMAN YOURSELF. SO MUCH HATE AND NOT ENOUGH L O V E.