Is It Ever Okay To Out Someone? My first instinct is to say no; however I than thought of these two possible scenarios.
- What if you see your sister’s new boyfriend out at a gay club kissing another dude?
- What about if you saw your mom’s new boyfriend on Jack’d or Grinder?
What would you do?
I was outed as gay and it was one of the worst feelings ever so I’d never impose that situation on someone. As a gay man, I don’t have it in my heart to out someone ’cause its contradictory to my morals and the LGBTQ community as a whole. Ironically, I was in this situation 5 years ago when a friend of mine was in a relationship with a dude and I saw him a gay club all cozied up with one of my college classmates of all people (insert awkwardness here). My first instinct was to tell my friend but then again, outing someone goes against my morals so I approached him about it privately. While I was sympathetic to his feelings, I pretty much told him he needed to let my friend know what was up and keep it 100. The outcome was expected (they broke up after he came out as Bisexual) and it caused a rift between me and a friend for almost a full year.
This is one of those situations where a “happy ending” will never happen!
I consider outing as what Perez Hilton does when he splashes someone on his website arbitrarily. The examples @ocky gave would definitely warrant telling my mother or sister and there is no way to tell them that their boyfriends are cheating on them without revealing the truth. What are you gonna say? I know they’re cheating but i’m not going to tell you how i know? That’s some bull. And it’s not their homosexuality that’s the problem in the examples. It’s the fact that they are philandering liars. I’ve thought about this when politicians are outed because they oppose civil rights rights for gays and i’m one that believes that they shouldn’t be outed in those instances because being gay doesn’t automatically mean you think gays should have the right to marry. There is a difference between demagoguing to win votes and having different beliefs.
It’s never ok.
Homo-sex is just another form of sex. If one feels the need to tell a friend that their significant other isn’t faithful,that’s another issue. And that can be done without revealing sexuality.
What’s done in the dark comes to light anyway, in time. Or manifests itself in another visible form to those that need to know they are connected to something that can hurt them.
I also don’t understand the younger generations (20somethings) ease with name dropping. Wth!? They DGAF by and large. And quick to include photos.
In any given city,the higher your market value in looks or employment/financial status,the pool gets smaller and smaller. So I don’t get it when someone is quick to give a name and description of anyone in the life. What part of the game is that?
Smh. What’s happening to discretion? Is this the price of the new tolerance movement ?
Please explain.
I think outing is a reaction to a lot of the deception in relationships going. This is what needs to be addressed.
So its never ok…even in the two situations I posed in the question? You would not inform your sister of mother?
I get where both comments are coming from. I would never out someone intentionally, but I feel like your loved ones take precedence in either of your ‘example’ situations. One could even go as far as letting the dude know that they know wasup, and that he needs to come clean or peace out, but I also wouldnt look at them ‘outing’ dude the same way as I would sum1 doing it to be a bitch.
I would inform my mom or sis because they are expecting to be in an exclusive relationship.. The dude is cheating. Other than that another’s sex life is not my business or anyone else’s unless I have a real chance at linking up with them in that way. And even then it’s a matter of cheating. In acknowledgement of my own stance being a part of that life I still won’t reveal who he is cheating with,esp if I didn’t see him having sex with anyone. Anyone can say or suspect someone to be gay. That isn’t the issue.
I’m a thorough believer that the issue is fidelity. Playing two people whatever sex at the same time is a lack of respect. Sex is sex.so it doesn’t matter what field the play in. People change up. Just be true to an agreed apron exclusive situation.
This is why women need to take their time before getting sexually involved with anyone. You need to check dudes habits and who his friends are. That’s the advice I’d give my loved ones. From there, it’s on them who they choose to give their body to.
Got it and understand.
Well, it depends on what is meant by “outing”. If the person is a public person–minister, politician, etc.–that is anti-gay in his public pronoucements or policies (Like Eddie Long who as a minister campaigned against gay marriage, for example.), then that person should be outed. And the outing should be public in nature. If the gay or bisexual person is having or may have an intimate sexual relationship with a relative (in your examples a mother or a sister), then you should privately tell your mother or your sister about that persons apparent sexual proclivities. Is this private notification an outing? Whether it is an outing, it should be done.
So I only see only see one or possibly two instances where you should relate the gay/bisexual proclivities of another to others. In other situations (For example, you see John who you have dated and had sex with out with a woman who is a stranger to you. You should not notify her of his homosexuality/bisexuality) you should remain quiet as it’s not your business.
My prior comments being said, whether and to what degree a person is out is an intensely personal decision and under normal conditions, a person should decide that for themselves.
Yes, whether a person is out or is closeted/DL is a matter of degree. Some are totally out–for example, those who march in gay parades and are very publicly out as gay and shout “I’m here. I’m queer. Get used to it.” But many are not so totally out.
There are some who are out only to a select group of friends/lovers. There are those who are out only to a select group of relatives. There are those who are out only when they go to the gay bath-house for anonymous sex. This latter group is mostly closeted or on the DL. Etc.
Dean beat me to what I was about to say. If someone is a public figure using their stature to actively harm gays then it would be justified to out them. To me that’s the only instance.
And in the case of your scenarios…I would only tell if I knew they were being unfaithful.
Well, I try to stay out of other peoples relationships… because we do not know all the facts… even in the case of relatives. Sometimes, they have to learn/figure out things for themselves. This is why soapoperas are so successfull.. people meddling in other peoples relationships.
You also have to consider… what if the brother ” 1)is bisexual and NOT gay; 2) is monogamous 3) has an online profile is an old one.. or they only just started dating and are not exclusive? 4)already told the mom/sis about the bisexuality?
I know we want to protect our family and friends… but you need to mine your own business… you just may not have all tha facts and ruin a perfectly good relationship… ijs…
Well said. I enjoyed all the scenarios.
i think its an unspoken rule that u never out anyone. unless its a life treat’n thing then just let it be. women have dealt with stuff like that all the time. id confront the dude before id say anything to the woman first. then if that doesnt work, drop the most obvious hints ever. haha
I feel that everyone deserve the opportunity to come out on their own terms. Outing is wrong. Plain and simple.
I think that there are different variations to outing someone. There are the cases like @ocky mentioned in the article then there are the cases of outing someone for your vindictive reasons. If my mother or sister were dating someone and they were being cheated on, I would tell them whether the guy was gay or straight. If I was comfortable enough with that guy, then I would definitely say something to him about it so that the situation could be fixed if that didn’t work then I would not have any other choice. Now on the other hand I think that it is wrong to gossip about someone’s sexuality or to expose someone as gay just for the hell of it. Someone coming out should be their choice and their choice alone.
I agree that, in general, it is not okay to out someone. But consider this…
I am heterosexual, was married and my then spouse was cheating with a same sex partner. When confronted, my then spouse lied to me and later brought an STD into our relationship (HSV). We eventually agreed to get divorced and I moved out. My then spouse lied to our mutual friends about me and, throughout the divorce process, refused to discuss the issue of sexual preference with me. Throughout this time I struggled with my suspicions, wondered if I was being paranoid and, hence, was solely the culprit of bring ruin to our marriage.
In the end, however, my ex-spouse told our child, effectively, “I was in love and when your other parent asked for a divorce, I decided to that I could never love someone of that sex again, and so I decided to become gay”.
In my frustration, I began not to care if, when asked why I got divorced, if I outed my ex. Tell me, in your opinion, was I right to out my ex?
I purposefully did not refer to the gender of my ex spouse.
The whole coming out thing is way too overrated. if you’re gay and someone ask, if you are not ashamed then you say yes, if you are a coward then you say no. At the end of the day it’s noone’s business who you were born to have sex with. I think the only time it’s ok for a person to out another is if said person is so verbal and publicly anti-gay.