How many individuals need to know that you are gay before you are considered out? 10, 20, 50?
Who are the people that need to know; friends, family, co-workers, or casual acquaintances?
Does everyone need to know your sexuality for you to be considered out, or just the heterosexuals?
Thanks Nick D for coming up with this question.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
I don’t think the number of people that one comes out to is the issue, personally. It’s the people that matter to you in your life. Those people that matter in your partners life, if that’s applicable. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is the real deal. I don’t/won’t hide from anyone. But, I don’t feel like I have to make sure everyone in the supermarket, for instance, needs to know i am married to a man! We don’t shy away from PDA’s..but, don’t make a point of it. If it’s the ‘moment’, it just is. I guess I’ve made my point re: coming out. Peace.
to me coming out, or not being DL means just letting your close friends and Family know. people you really care about. so if that just 10-20 then to me that coming out, if it’s 100 that coming out. or if you just got 2-3 people you care about and tell that coming out.
I don’t believe it’s a number per se’. I believe that you have to always tell people, especially family, so that they don’t offend you by trying to set you up with an opposite sex encounter.
Why do I say this? Because I still get hit on by the opposite sex. I want to tell them that, “Hey, I’m not into women, I’m GAY I like men,” but for some strange reason I don’t have the BALLS to start telling every person that comes on to me, “Look, I’m gay so stop coming on to me.” It takes a lot of guts to just start telling everybody. I think people already know that I’m gay, but if they do, then why do they keep approaching me in a sexual manner. I receive much sexual innuendo on a daily basis, neither do I entertain it, nor do I say anything to stop it cold in it’s tracks. I so want to tell people, “I’m GAY!” BUT I CAN’T. It’s like I believe people KNOW but they just want me TO SAY IT! That’s what’s so messed up about being GAY. People want to HEAR you say it. As if though you just BEING YOU isn’t enough.
Thus I say, you generally have to make a LOUD enough ANNOUNCEMENT so that EVERYBODY KNOWS. That way you can keep people from APPROACHING YOU when you are unapproachable in that manner. I think I’m gonna do it ONE DAY SOON. I’ve been thinking about telling everybody in my FAMILY in a matter-of-fact manner. That’s coming real soon.
You want to hear something really crazy? I was in a GAY CLUB one time and not only was I being hit on by DUDES, but CHICKS was hitting on ME TOO. I was like THIS IS CRAZY. You know DAMN WELL IF I’M IN A GAY CLUB. I LIKE DUDES!!!
I think if the people closest to you know, which sometimes doesn’t include your co-workers or all your friends and family, just the ones that matter.
Personally, only my boyfriend and one of my close friends knew and I considered myself out because I would go to gay pride and was not ashamed of being out and about with my boyfriend (even though we keep PDA to a MINIMUM). One day my parents asked and I told them the truth. Doesn’t mean you have to act flamboyant or tell everyone you’re gay to be out!
I don’t believe that being out is a status so to speak. I think it is a frame of mind. There are flaming queens who claim to be DL. True, enough everyone else knows better but to them they are still masking who they are. I think for a person to be out they must be comfortable with their sexuality. If you are comfortable with you you don’t have it hide it. So it really doesn’t matter who knows as long as that person knows about themselves.
All in all the number of people who know about a person’s sexuality doesn’t determine how out they are, only that person can say whether they are out or not.
I don’t believe that being out is a status so to speak. I think it is a frame of mind. There are flaming queens who claim to be DL. True, enough everyone else knows better but to them they are still masking who they are. I think for a person to be out they must be comfortable with their sexuality. If you are comfortable with you you don’t have it hide it. So it really doesn’t matter who knows as long as that person knows about themselves.
All in all the number of people who know about a person’s sexuality doesn’t determine how out they are, only that person can say whether they are out or not.
The number of people who need to tell the details of your sexuality could be zero, as long as you’re living your life to the fullest. You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to your personal private sexual life. Not your mother. Not your family. Not your neighbors. Not your co-workers. Only the people you desire to or plan to have sex with need to know. Props to the people who feel the need to do the “I’m gay” press releases, but that is not needed from everyone. If you live your life to the fullest, you are not hiding, you are not living a secret, you are Out.
I definitely agree with you on not owing your personal life to other people. But the fact of the matter is that people will ask questions as the years go on. You attend close friends or family weddings and people still see you are single at 25, 28, 35, 45… and it just goes on. I think people will eventually figure it out.
It’s not that you are hiding per se. But I guess you can’t really be lying if you never give an answer. But if you are not straight forward, then people will assume otherwise. It’s like a double-edge sword sometimes lol. **shoulder shrug**
Yeah people can assume all they want, that doesn’t mean that you have to confirm or deny anything just for their benefit. This is your life. I feel that you owe no one explanations about your sexual life, no matter how many assumptions and suspicions they have.
I have many cousins who have never been married. What business is it of mine to know if they are gay or not, even if my suspicions were true? On the other hand, if they are bringing the same person home every wedding, holiday and funeral, its safe to assume they are gay and even ask the question. But if the cousin then confirmed my suspicions, does that mean he was in the closet before then? No…just because I didn’t personally know that doesn’t mean he was hiding or wasn’t comfortable with himself. Like I said, as long as you are living your life to the fullest, in my opinion, you are Out.
I think you are “out” when you don’t care who knows.
Like posting couple pictures on social networks, going to gay clubs, gay bars, and gay pride. When people that are acquaintances and others that barely even know you casually know, you are definitely out!
But even if you just tell the people you sleep with and/or close family and friends, does that mean you are not out?? Or perhaps less out?
I think there is a spectrum of “outness”. Some people are WAY OUT THERE (doesn’t mean flamboyant) but they are comfortable to go to gay weekends in Miami, LA, Houston, Chicago, Atlanta, etc. and they don’t care who knows.
I consider myself Out. I know that not everyone knows, but the people who are the closest to me know with the exception of a few whom I’ve yet to tell. I believe that being out is a state of mind when you’re comfortable enough to say to yourself ‘If I have to let you know what’s up, I will. And whatever you do with the info after that is on you because I’m good’
Like Brother Love wrote, the questions about your personal life will come up, especially as you meet new people and continue your journey through this life. I’ve always resigned to the motto You’ve Got To Know Your Audience. It would be nice to tell everyone ‘Nah, I don’t have a wife or kids. I’m gay.’ but that’s not information for everybody. Choose wisely whom you grant access to that information because some people won’t give a fuck while others will use that as their point of reference to discount everything about you. It’s all about your level of comfortability with yourself and the other person.
I think it’s when you don’t hide it from anyone or do anything to encourage them to believe you’re hetero. I don’t believe in announcing it really .Straight peoplearen’t expected to announce their sexuality,not that it’s anyone’s business. Coming out and making a big announcement in my OPINION is like saying “im making a big deal out of it,but please don’t make a big deal out of it”.
Personally,I think being invested in someone else’s sexuality means yoou want them,which is why you often see gay men and straight women (and dl guys) speculating so often.
But to get back to my point ,if you are out and someone ask about your relationships with women you unabashedly say “nah,i like dudes”
to me “coming out” doesn’t mean everyone, or anyone needs to know. it’s more about you accepting yourself.
I really don’t like the term’ coming out”. Coming out from where? Why is only ‘gay’ people ‘ come out”? You never hear a straight person ‘coming out”. I guess by society’s standards it is accepted. Happily I do not live by society’s standards and cronyism or labeling or whatever. I was never locked up mentally or emotionally so I never had reason to ‘come out”. I am who I am- my family knows that, my true friends know that and I never had a discussion with ANYONE about my sexuality …WHY? …because it NEVER CAME UP…Persons may ASSUME rightly or wrongly WHATEVER they want to assume. I can’t stop that. What I can control is how people SEE me. If you don’t like what you see, move on. I certainly did.
I have been an “out” gay man since 2001. I am out to friends and family members. But, I don’t feel the need to be “out” at work. These are not people I will hang out with, or call friends. I haven’t hung out with people from work since 2003. So many seem so nosey when it comes to your private life. So, when I’m at work, it’s all about work. Funny, but I have chats with so many guys who are DL and say “it’s none of their business”. Isn’t that a way of saying “I am concerning in how family and friends would react, if they knew the truth”?
I don’t think that it takes a number of individuals but more with an general acceptance of your personal truth. Its about being honest in general conversations that doesn’t mean one has to fly a rainbow flag or walk with extra pep in their step it just means being who you are where you are and honest with the important people in your life. I personally only came out to a few people (immediate family and really close friends) and then started living my life in honesty. If someone asked me I told the truth, if someone asked me about a girlfriend I told them I had a boyfriend and just keep it moving.