Why do many guys say that the dating pools in their respective cities are bad or of poor quality?
Is it the dating pools that are bad or is it the quality of black gay men in general that is lacking?
OckyDub
Octavius is the co-founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He understands ten (10) years ago is a short-long time.
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I think that it is the quality of black men in general that makes these different dating pools bad, because while there is an abundance of gay black men in various cities to date, the majority of these men are worthless, tired, and just straight up trifling. No vehicles, no legitimate source of income, no place to live that they can call their own, no self respect, and too much fucking gay drama, attributes to this lack of quality gay black men in most dating pools.
I think that we tend to allow a few bad seeds to ruin our perception of the dating pool cause its not too bad. However, instead of fulling dogging out all dudes in the area we need to start looking at ourselves in the mirror as well because some of those bad seeds out there were handpicked by us fully knowing or at least having a thought as to who we were dealing with before hand.
Some of us want to try turning that “hit it and quit it” guy into boyfriend material when we know it’s not happening. Some of use are looking for the gutta/thuggish dudes when some of them ain’t even got a pot to piss in or stability in their life. So then we bring those “non-worthy” types into our domain, feel the effects and want to start complaining and crying.
Then there are those of us who don’t have all our ducks in a row to be trying to deal with another person’s mess, No Ma’am No Sir.
Lets look at ourselves first, then look at who we’re allowing or been allowing to come into…
Do you have a boyfriend? Did you meet this person online?
Just being real here, America is full of a lot of systematic institutional racism meaning it can be hard for a black man (straight, gay, or bisexual to obtain good employment period)so sometimes black men are in that just survival mode for decades in their lives. if some one is not up to your standards their is no need to kick them to the curve. when you know how many black men have come in contact with being in jail or the prison system for either use of or sale of illicit substances and then when they get out are scrambling to survive( no access to medical care, no access to food stamps,) and if they had a child out of wedlock on a one nite stand trying to be apart of what they heard in church what a man is suppose to be.they are on the hook for $43,200 to $113,400 of child support that never ever goes away till you pay it. is this all black straight, black gay , black bisexual men. no! It is more a statement about us as a people about then dating pool.
Interestingly enough, my friends and I discussed this very subject last weekend. At first, I used to think it was the dating pool in my city, but friends have noted that their experience in other large cities was much the same.
It seems that there are two types. The first being men, or “scrubs” for lack of a better term, who use their looks and physical attractiveness instead of their intellect and hard work to forge a better living for themselves. Nothing wrong with being attractive, but use that as a complement in regards to achieving a greater standard of living. This type usually doesn’t have a job or car, no aspirations, and may even still live with the parents. But their body is usually right on target.
And secondly, you have the vastly successful attractive black men who carry nothing but arrogance and pretentiousness on their forehead. They think they are better than others and want guys they date to chase them and/or worship the ground they walk on. Although I consider myself successful, I have never felt I was better than anyone nor do I flash my success in the face of my peers/colleagues. Guess mama just raised me right.
Fortunately, I’ve been dating an attractive black man for 7 months now who is successful, but at the same time carries a humble and down-to-earth personality. If things don’t work out with this guy, I’ve joked with my friends that we may all need to begin dating each other because they seem to be the best black gay men I know and none of us have previously “fooled around” with each other. Ha ha!
Once I started to accept that pursuing a “relationship ” was healthy for me,or that I could benefit and grow from one (and that took a LONG time),I had to decide on a standard. A specific standard.
There’s usually “exchanges” in relationships. Trade offs. From what I’ve seen and have and currently experience ,it’s best that they are EVEN exchanges.
The major issues with us males for better or worse is visual appeal and economics. You’re better off pursuing someone on YOUR level in the looks department and financial “mobility”.
In other words ,if you’re busted but strapped with cash yet you’re pursuing a “star” in the looks category yet he is broke. There’s an “exchange” yes. But it’s not EVEN.
You’re not “evenly” yoked. We all know what that relationship is off the back.
Identifying your lane and staying in it for serious dating is less traumatic because there’s less cause for insecurity.
My personal SPECIFIC standard that has served me WELL in the four and only “successful” relationships ,meaning they didn’t end over cheating or anything bad,just life changes, is an EVIDENT being in tune with their SPIRITUAL side and CULTIVATING it.
At minimum pray before you eat. Or I catch you listening to inspirational/gospel on a Sunday. And going to SOME church is a huge plus. It may not be where I go but something. But I must see some evidence of SEEKING.If not, I’m GHOST,
Smooth dating and relationship experience for me that has paid off WELL in my personal growth and otherwise
Just STAY IN YOUR LANE in the “tangible” levels. And be EVENLY YOKED “intangibly”.
You know, I have said in previous comments on here that the dating pool sucks here in ATL. I also see that here in Atl there are bundles of haystacks and not enough needles. So I see the idea that Ocky is proposing that there is a lack of quality individuals, but that lack of quality individuals are still included in that dating pool right?
There is also another issue when it comes to the Black gay dating pool period, and that is that the dating pool is SOOO SMALL. In some way,when it comes to the majority of gay black dudes, Everybody knows everybody, everybody dates everybody, and worst of all everybody has had sex with everybody, which is why STD’s are such a big issue with black gay men as well. It is like one big circle …LOL This is a big turn off to me!
A lot of what I just mentioned though comes from lack of knowledge and experience when it comes to dating and dealing with black gay men. I also feel that we, gay black men, don’t have enough positive examples to follow. All we have are those obvious stereotypes that DC makes a great effort in trying to counter.
I know there are good dudes out there though, Hell I’m one of them LOL, but we are hard to find!
Wow seeing some of these comments and the replies on the Podcast #12 thread can be discouraging! I haven’t started dating yet but I desire to remain positive so that I can attract like-minded people who want something real.
Don’t get discouraged man. just sometimes you have to weed through the bad. Life period is trial and error. It is possible to find what you seek. A lot of these comments, especially mine, are venting, and also a way to relate,learn, and to find comfort in the fact that you, me, we, are not alone. Also man these are other people’s experiences not yours. Your experiences may be totally different. I know a lot of these comments sound a bit dismal, but check this…..I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. I was with a very masculine dude. We did things together traveled together and we ended the relationship because of school, work and time conflicts, not because of cheating. So it is out there.
Yep! Like Lee B says potential past 90 day relationships ARE out there. Just set reasonable STANDARDS within “your” range and STICK to them. Bypass the riff raff. If you’re in tune with yourself you will see what’s not going to work within a few hours over a meal or drinks.
And never be quick to buss a nutt. There are ways to check if everything is in working and clean order and satisfactory to “you” without spilling the juice.
Black men have issues PERIOD. The key is to try to rise above as many of them “yourself” as possible . And attract someone on your level that striving to do the same thing. I really get into that similar “level” factor a lot because our basic instincts tend to creep up. That getting laid and getting paid basic aspect of our male nature. So to minimize not being a victim or victimizing someone else ,identify where you’re at and seek the likely corresponding partner.
My current “special friend” just told me last night that although “options DO exist,that he has “considered” ,I simply meet his particular standards on important fronts. He had standards set. And so did I. And it leaves little room for “DISrespect”, the main hot button between men.
Once you start dating (whatever that is) and having “successful ” relationships, meaning little to no disrespect and ending respectfully ,not over blatant cheating,you’ll just enjoy raising the bar as you yourself continue to grow. You will always attract more of what you currently are. So if you’re relationship focused and oriented,it will come. Those that come to you that aren’t relationship oriented wont stick around. When I was a hoe I RAN quick when I saw someone catching feelings.
It’s about being with someone that wants to GROW on the inside for themselves. Not just convenient ,hot, for the moment sex. You have to know the difference. Most of us men get that confused.
Maintaining a relationship until it runs its natural course for whatever reason ,without disrespect coming into play ,can really build your character.
The issue of the “dating pool” comes up often in Atl often bc things continuously don’t work out in regards to dating with many people. However, I have found that in life the only thing we have the power to change is ourselves and our focus. Yes, it may be true that the dating pool in certain cities or holistically may not be up to our standards (which also may be a problem), but if we choose to focus on how bad it is the only thing we will get is discouraged or jaded. For the most part, at least with me, there are more things that I don’t want than what I do want. On a restaurant menu, rarely do I want the majority of items and even if they do all look tempting, how many are REALLY what I need to be eating? So in dating, I understand that I am going to have probably more things that wont work than will and I will have to practice a little patience in finding a person to where we are right for each other. So yea, despite the larger numbers and options, I wouldn’t date most people in Atl. However, I choose to change my focus from what may be considered the “bad” dating pool to making sure that I am not allowing my feelings and opinions to jade me and therefor prevent me from seeing a good opportunity when it does come.
Is this some sort of trick question stemming from the Interracial Dating discussion?
_________________
You ask:
“Is it the dating pools that are bad or is it the quality of black gay men in general that is lacking?”
=============
What’s with the question about ‘the quality of Black Gay Men?”
Rarely will you ever see a group of frustrated white gay men sitting around talking about the ‘lack of quality among WHITE gay men”.
Instead, they will question dating rituals and trends which affects their dating outcomes.
Why the f*ck must we (as Black Men) always demonize our own when searching for answers. In doing so, it seems the logical extension for most would be to “expand your horizons” by dating outside of your race. This seems to be the ultimate trajectory of this discussion.
Sorry, I’m not biting that hook Ocky.
Great comment and point Sir! You did bite my hook…and in your own way, you answered the question/s that I posed.
To answer your question…
“question stemming from the Interracial Dating discussion?” Yes. In the comments section of the podcast there were frustrations being vented which caused me to ask these questions for this post.
Most of the time there is a “method to my madness” in my thinking and questioning. I posed the question this way for a reason and so far I am pleased with the outcome…which is…
Black gay men analyzing themselves and asking “are the dating pools really that bad?” or is it about personal growth, personal outlook, your attitude and self reflection that really needs to be examined? In my opinion it is the latter.
Just look at the comments from TLK, Lawrence, Lee B and your own. All for the most part have vocalized that as human beings and black men we have our problems but at the end of the day, for the most part we are a great group of people.
So mofo’s get yall asses out there and get your date on!
I agree with some of the points stated earlier. I will just add that some of the time we overlook the common denominator in our past relationships (you). If you are not the “list” that you create for your potential mate, it’s very easy for you to always feel like the men you date or see are never more interested in you than just sex. Many of us don’t have our own stuff together so it’s also very difficult to have a successful relationship when you haven’t dealt with your own issues. I think the guys did a good job of touching on this very point in the last podcast.
Why do many guys say that the dating pools in their respective cities are bad or of poor quality?
Because they have more than likely not stopped to evaluate themselves and their own contribution to that “bad” dating pool.
Is it the dating pools that are bad or is it the quality of black gay men in general that is lacking?
I don’t feel either is the case. We are all a part of the “dating pool,” so to say that it is bad or lacks quality men is to say that we ourselves are bad too. Most guys will never own up to their contribution to the problem. Let’s face it, if we were all perfect then those wanting relationships would have one. And from what I’m hear, that’s simply not the case.
As for my personal experiences, I must say that dating is what I’ve made it. I have never had a problem with dating per se or being in a relationship that lasted for multiple years. The key is that I know my value in a partnership and I expect and demand the thoughtfulness that’s required to sustain a real relationship and not the minimum effort some guys are use to giving in their pseudo/casual relationships. Intimacy, consistency, balance, progression, shared relationship values and commitment are all requirements. And of course love, care, trust, and respect are non-negotiable.
Many issues that keep some of us from a sustainable relationship are the superficial ideals of what masculinity is, mental illnesses, anger management issues, poor communication skills, down to their pre-existing pseudo-relationships. The list goes on. Until one really have an honest conversation with themselves and their willingness, desire and commitment to be in a healthy loving long-term relationship, then there is no way they can be honest with anyone else. And thus the same problem will persist.
I agree with Que. I can’t stand when people say “All the dudes in ATL [or insert your city] aren’t worth anything.” As I once told my 11-year-old nephew who was getting into fights at school and in his neighborhood, then who changed schools and neighborhoods and kept getting into fights: If you have a problem with people everywhere you go, YOU’RE the problem.
There is such a rich amount of quality dudes in Atlanta. So why are so many people single and bitter?
I think that being a minority in America inflicts certain emotional wounds, and when you have layers of minority status (black and gay, latina and lesbian, etc.) you have more wounds to tend to. So many of us ignore these wounds, we insist that we’re OK and ready, and we search for someone to fill the wounds that we aren’t even aware of.
Secondly, to piggy-back on Octavius’s comment yesterday about it being “lame” to say “because they do it, we can do it” — I think that is exactly what is at play here. So many gay folks are desperate to mimic the relationship pattern of heterosexuals, that we ignore that that relationship pattern hasn’t been particularly successful for straight people, let alone do we contemplate whether it is a healthy and practical relationship structure between two men with male chromosomes.
Ryan there was a time when I would have agreed with you 100%, not now, I do agree that the constant in any situation is always going to be you however there is a lot of truth to the fact the dating pool is bad. I’ve lived up & down the east coast in big cities from New Jersey to Georgia and have come to the conclusion that dating is dating no matter what city you live in, what it comes down to is maturity. No matter what age bracket, you can make all the changes you need in yourself that need to be made but if the the guys you meet have a mentality of having to be part of the in crowd or think being gay is a lifestyle of which they have to act a particular way, dating is going to suck no matter where you live. No matter the race, as a so called community we have become a more segregated community more than heterosexuals, from twinks to queens, gym bunnies to thugs, the modern day gay community has become on where you’re being forced to fit into a particular niche and have a particular look, and if you don’t fit you’re treated like an outsider in what’s supposed to be your own community. Whatever your ethnicity you have to choose to either be your person of become a drone and fall inline into what ever group you want to find a mate in.
I wana give my 2 cents too..lol. I think in large cities full of black gay men, it’s kind of unthinkable to think that all of the guys are bums. Like I stated in the ‘grindr/jackd’ post, I think the biggest problem is us finding each other. I live in NYC and I dont go to clubs or prides. Even in this huge city I have the hardest time ever meeting guys.
Finding the pool is the first battle lol. If you’re a masc, blk, gay man, you are very difficult to find if you’re not active in the gay scene. Effeminate men are always visible, but if thats not your lane, you’re still stuck..even in NY.
You know what…I think that puts things in a very honest and clear perspective. I think your comment is the piece of the puzzle that was missing from this conversation.
So now…we all know there are great masculine guys out there…so how do you/we meet them?
When you find out, make sure Im the first one you tell, lol.
But seriously, I really think that if a guy like me is out here, there must be plenty of others, just crossing paths w/o even realizing it.
Maybe its time for dcharmony.com lol
And on a side note..like some others stated, ppl really do need to know their ‘lanes’..or at least their highways, lol. A lot of dudes stay reaching…
On rare occasion a few masculine dudes approached me in the gym. And every single one them said that they were hesitant to approach me because said I didn’t look approachable, or I didn’t give off the vibe that I liked dudes.
So, I think many naturally masculine men who are attracted to naturally masculine men are extremely hesitant to approach one another in public. Also, as previous DC posts have mentioned before, we also are hesitant to go to clubs and parties …etc because we think we won’t find the what we looking for in those places. So it up to us to get out there and say wasssup.
Wow Lee B, so how does that conversation go? Do you (or the person) say you’re attracted to each other?
Give us a run down of how one of those gym conversations went down..
@Africanking …. It was nothing too crazy lol . Since it was the gym they would usually approach me , and say things like ” what kind of workout will get my , arms chest, like yours….. or where you get those head phones from?… lol So that usually ended with maybe we could hit the gym together one day or have a drink…you know, typical stuff lol…
@LEEB860
Oh ok cool. I thought they just would come out and say they’d want to date you! Goes to show you that I don’t know too much about dating yet! LMBO!
I think the dating pool sucks period. I’m in my early 30’s and have never had a bf. I am college educated, successful humble (I came from a very humble background) and other people consider me attractive. I live in L.A. (although I’m not from here) and while I date, I’ve never had a bf. I can come off as very reserved at times, but it just seems the gay black men I meet lack self motivation and aren’t driven to do anything in life except go to the club. What can you talk about outside of the club? I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone. My friends say my standards are to high and I don’t think they are.
Question to ask yourself…
Are you OR why are you attracting men to you who “lack self motivation and aren’t driven to do anything in life except go to the club.”
I don’t know why. I’m very self-motivated. Yeah I go to the club every so often and in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking…maybe I’ll meet the one (even though I know you won’t find them in a club environment)…but where else am I supposed to look? I don’t give off the gay vibe and I’m not the kind of person who would approach a random person and a random person wouldn’t just approach me…sigh lol
I don’t think availability is too much the question. I have met some good men, but very few to none want more than the “hit-it-and-quit-it” experience. I think that one reason there are few men available is because anything other than a heterosexual relationship is still NOT RESPECTED enough. Then, there are men like me who don’t DISPLAY uber-masculinity — or at least an elevated degree of what most would consider masculine. I grew up doing work on fifteen acres: trimming trees and hauling brush, working and picking the garden, fishing, cutting grass, etc: things I enjoy. However, I know how to dress, carry a conversation and be RESPECTful in most I say and do. I also do the church thing — need I say more? The things I THINK makes me a good man to have is also the same thing that (I believe) turns most off: well-roundedness AND balance.
I think that the dating pools are small if you limit yourself to a certain demographic of people. If you go to bars,search online or do the club or (gags) the ball scene, you get what you get there, so there’s no point in getting your hopes up. Further, it’s not the quality of men that’s lacking, it’s our own taste. If you don’t want a bum, quit attracting them. If you want someone of substance, hang around places of substance.
You say “stop attracting them” as If someone one tries. What if we don’t try and yet we still attract the “bums”? There isn’t a winning formula for success you know!
I don’t feel that its neither. I think men (myself included) are greedy and particular about who and what we want. I’ll speak for myself. As I get older, wiser and become more established with my career and life goals, I find that I am very particular about who I seriously DATE.
Yes, I see men who I find attractive but one or more of 3 things tend to happen. Either they slept/fcuk one or more of my friends, they really aren’t where I would like them to be in life, or they are over the top (popular social bug, loud, fem, can’t miss a party or club). In retrospect, rereading your question, I guess I would think that the dating pools are bad at the moment. However, i’m still hopeful
P.S. my gay friends of other races who date within their race state the same problems…. However, I don’t think it is as dominant as the black community.
@Lawrence
“I’ve joked with my friends that we may all need to start dating each other because they seem to be the best gay men I know and none of us have previously fooled around with each other. Ha Ha!”
Why are you laughing? Seriously, dating your FRIENDS is exactly what you need to do. Your “dating pool” is right in your own back yard, so to speak, and you didn’t know it. I mean you sort of knew it but for some reason it didn’t seem like something you should do.
Think about it. You already KNOW these men so you don’t have to go through that often difficult “getting to know you” period. You have at least some values in common, or else you wouldn’t be friends. You haven’t had sex so there’s some “mystery”.
Most of the middle-aged (and older) gay male couples I know who are in solid long term relationships (I’m talking decades) got together when they were in their 20s or early to mid 30s. I know of several exceptions but generally a gay man has a ‘window of opportunity’ to establish a solid long term relationship: time is not a gay man’s best friend, so don’t waste your time.
Why do so many gay men think something “strange” is more exciting than something more familiar? Not if you’re looking for a solid long term relationship and not just a hook up.
Can we agree that no matter the race they all have their issues with dating. Let’s be honest and admit they’re are guys we want to fuck and guys we would like to date, the problem is guys not being honest about it. We’ll go out with the guy we fawn over because he’s attractive or presents the social status we claim we want on a mate not really vetting the guy out when in all honesty it was just sexual / physical attraction in the first place. Can men be truely honest to one another and admit the real reasons they want to hook up/go out with one another? As for dating friends not a great idea, of it doesn’t work out it messes up the dinamics of the core group of friends.
I feel there’s quality and simply “quantity” everywhere you go. I agree that it may not be best to always blame bad dating pools on the demographic of one’s city (Although there are some exceptions ex: small towns, etc.) I also feel that people might need to expand their horizons. Try online dating perhaps? Dating outside of one’s race? And maybe asking yourself if you are who you want to attract (I’m talking looks, financially, etc.). I feel so many gay men want this and that, yet don’t have or contain those things themselves. Because as far as I’m concerned, I’m a 19 year old Haitian American male whose a Junior in College. Now if I can attract something beyond that, then great, but I wouldn’t expect to attract something more than what I am, unless what I’m giving out is potentially stronger than what I am.
I also have to agree with an earlier commenter “Jeremy”, if you keep limiting yourself to a certain demographic, area, or type of person, then you may keep getting what you’ve always gotten. Sometimes we keep wanting those who are of either our status or something beyond. But let’s look at it this way, If I were to meet someone my same age who didn’t go to college, I wouldn’t necessarily rule them out. Granted they would have to have some type of ambition and/or good reason as to why they are not in school (and sometimes there are extenuating circumstances such as injury,illness, taking care of family etc.) Because sometimes you may not date someone who is of the same status with you, but it can be a humbling experience for the both of you, and they might be the best match for you. Sometimes your honey may not come in a gold pot, but just a regular one. (Not all that glitters is gold)
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things I feel can’t be overlooked such as are you attracted to the person and their personality. But we have got to amend certain notions. Some guys out here are saying stuff like “oh I only date black guys”. Okay great, since that’s what you limit yourself to, that’s also what will have all the power over you. I understand attraction is attraction, but I’m pretty sure there would be some people of other races that you would find somewhat attractive. You just have to allow the notion of making a potential connection with someone to come in any form.
For those of you who are “soooooo” masculine and are afraid to approach in public and your potentials vice versa, and your not a club person, then online may be a better bet for you (But I’m willing to bet, they would rule that option out and yet continue to wonder why they are still single), god put certain things on this earth for a reason, let’s not disrespect him and not utilize those. And I’m not necessarily saying it’s online dating thats the cure to your dating remedies, but I’m just giving an example. This next comment of mines might get me attacked on here, but bring it on, cause Im ready. I feel that lesbians do alot better at relationships then gay males do, because they are not on the stupid stuff.
seven examples: (Granted Lesbians do the same things as well, but I feel not too much in frequency, I could potentially be wrong so sue me, and some of these are for heterosexual couples as well, but I feel these are the majority of the dating issues that surround gay men)
7. Allowing sexual positions to define your role in a relationship (Really?)
6. Placing hierarchies in a relationship (ex: Who’s the boy and girl? I can’t believe some people still do that)
5.Complaining about how they always find the wrong guy, yet your practically going nude on facebook with your photos (A picture is worth a thousand words remember that)
4.In relation to # 5, Saying they never get treated well, (You teach people how to treat you remember that)
3. Not being honest with themselves about they want (They are almost always all over the place)
2. Most of you guys are not in it for the long haul (and what I mean by that is when a guy will say,” I’m not marrying a guy”. Now granted you don’t have to be prepared to get married right away. But see how with that statement, they didn’t say “I’m not getting married”, they said “I’m not marrying a guy”, which means you’d be wasting your time, and they are still having issues fully accepting their sexuality and its a warning that your relationship with them is already set in stone as something short term) (results may vary)
1. Way to Dismissive. And I’m not just talking about looks or about having a job, cause those are understandable. It’s just like for them small things they would find dismissive, and one needs to realize they can be easily dismissed as the next don’t get it twisted. No matter how great, how attractive, how smart or how educated you are, there’s always someone out there doing it bigger and better than you, so you better place an order for two humble pies and a large modesty shake.
So that’s my take, Nick and Ocky, sorry…
*plays John Legend’s “If You’re Out There”* (heard that on a previous podcast & it’s in my heart now)
Goin to what SB & John talked about (in terms of finding the pool), could wearin a wristband or sum’n like that be more helpful in spotting out each other? Cuz a lot of us are almost always hesitant to speak to another.
But then it goes to what Nick said in the “Art of Seduction” article:
“You may not want to be that direct, but there are still many indirect questions that can be inserted into normal conversation that will let you know…”
I wouldn’t want to assume risks involved with bein upfront about one’s sexuality (even tho really bad things can randomly happen to anybody; Mark Carson–God rest his soul–was an unfortunate example of bein murdered simply for bein himself in public), but seeing as how we’re social by [human] nature, we could at least move out of our comfort zones & without fear (not including nervousness, cuz we all get nervous; however, we can still get past that over time), start some basic conversation with a guy or few & find that pool, wherever it may be.
I see that there is someone else named John on here so I wanted to distinguish myself…I get what your saying about the “wristband” thing and I have read “The Art of Seduction”. I just can’t. I don’t workout at a “gay” gym or anything. I work out at several different gyms actually. I don’t know if I’d ever feel comfortable talking to someone like that. First and foremost, I’m there to workout, but if someone caught my attention I would never approach them. In my mind, they are probably straight. How would I know otherwise? It’s hard for me to just make random conversation with complete strangers in the gym. Lol I wish there was a wristband or something for “us”. I also know that I got many internal things about the whole gay thing that I still need to work through.
TRUE STORY…THE FLYEST DUDE at my gym, who never talks to any1, other than all of the ladies who throw themselves at him, who no1 would ever think was into men, sparked random convo w me after apparently visually feeling me out and seeing that I minded my biz n didnt run w any circles at the gym. This dude makes small talk w me for about a month when we see each other..I bump into him on the street..he asks for my #. We speak a few times..I finally ask him whats good..and the buck stops there..
How DL are u when u still beat around the bush after asking another dude for his number, u ask?
A few months later, unbeknownst to the rest of the gym (I was ‘super’ dl at a point too so I knew wasup) he and the flyest personal trainer become an item. They wont even walk into the gym together, will work out next to each other on diff pieces of equipment, walk into the locker room 5 minutes apart, and leave 5 minutes apart. He’s THAT DL! Mind u, Im 99.999% sure no1 even thinks anything.
He was a literal DIME!! But I’m sorry, Im not workin that hard to the point where u still playing cautious after u ask for my number.
That was a completely random story, as far as having a point, but I thought it’d be an interesting share w/ all of the gym talk.
That’s absolutely crazy. I met a guy similarly, but it was from an entire different setting and perspective. We actually got it on big time, but he told me that anybody ever found out he would kill himself. I have met some real live doozies. Some men just can’t accept the fat they are gay. It’s frustrating. I have had dudes crying in my bed because they told me they would never ever “come out.” They want stability and a lover, but they are not willing to go to the level that it takes to get, and maintain stability. Through these experiences I have learned that fear is very powerful.
Yea, its crazy out here. I spent 5 yrs in an extremely dl, committed, live in relationship. Im not rushing to shout my sexuality (or my credit score, salary, or any other of my biz) from the mountain top, nowhere near that, but I do know that I dont wana go backwards..jus sayin.. BTW, my comment below isnt to say that I wouldn’t date a dl guy. I know 1st hand that it doesnt mean he has a wife/girl, wont be seen in public w me, or any of those stereo/assumptions. Im just not dealin w those stereo/assumptions lol.
FYI SB and SB3000 are the same person!!
The thing w the gym is that you just never know. Im still convinced that once a guy comes up to you making random convo, esp if he isnt 1 of the gym ‘social butterflies’, then theres a reason for it. But beyond that, it becomes an issue of comfort level, because it should be pretty clear from that point forward. But unfortunately, thats not always the case, because you might find yourself pulling teeth to get dude to realize that the obvious, right here btwn us 2, is ok. smh
Guys I am a new comer to “The Avenue”. So please forgive me if this question has already been raised or addressed, but in terms of meeting other guys or dating one of the problems that I have is that I am usually perceived as straight plus I am very social; therefore I have been told that this is why I am never approached and the few times I was I did not realize it. So my question is really what are the signs that a guy is attracted to you but simply hesitant to approach you because he can’t figure out if you are SGL (same gender loving) or not. I have found out after it was too late that a hot guy or two or three were interested and I was absolutely clueless! So I missed it. Being a late bloomer and not actually dating men until a little later in life probably doesn’t help either. Has there already been a post done on signs a discreet, undercover brother, or guy under the radar or should I say gayday likes you?