Top 10 Ways To Tell People You’re Gay Without Telling People That You’re Gay
Who says that Coming Out has to be this melodramatic scene where you tell your mother that you’re Gay while you both are in tears? No one! There are easier ways than writing vague and ambiguous poetic tumblr letters about the time you were tearfully rejected by a straight dude. No longer must you contact Sport Illustrated writers to reveal your desire to go to Gay Pride parades with your BFF Lance Bass. We here at Cypher Avenue ask why gracefully pirouette out of the closet when you can just as easily be dragged out, kicking and screaming! So here’s the top 10 ways to change your life forever.
#1. Become a Huge Beyonce Fan
The Queens and “Queen Bey” seem to go hand-in-hand. Her music is the dog whistle that calls the gays to the dance floors all over dry land and to the gay cruise ships all over wet oceans. There’s no denying that. If you want to indirectly tell your family, friends and the brothas on Crenshaw Blvd that your Gay Card is valid and up-to-date, pull up with the ceiling missing while banging Beyonce’s full discography at full volume in your car.
There’s no better way to come clean about your sexuality at the same time you’re getting clean “down there” than to have plenty of enemas on deck. Fill your bathroom with those trademarked green and white boxes of Fleet Enemas and your “straight” friend from college will instantly get the clue that he can drop the “I like girls” act around you and finally make a move.
#3. Don’t Clear Your Internet History
We’ve all been there. In conversation, a female friend or coworker asks to borrow your laptop real quick so she can check her email to show you something. Finally reveal to her the reason why you’ve been such a good friend but never making a move all these years by giving her free access to your uncleared Firefox browser. Once she types the “G’ for Gmail and sees all of the other previously visited sites that start with “G” (Gay-Porn dot coms: BGClive, Adam4Adam, X-Tube), she’ll know what’s up.
#4. Get Lots of
You know how gang-bangers get teardrop tattoos for every person they’ve murdered, that’s sort of what star and paw-print tattoos are for Gay men. It’s an unspoken rule that the more star and/or paw-print tattoos a person has, the gayer they are. Bonus points if it is near or around the belly button. So next time you want to tell your Frat brothers that you’re as gay as the rest of them, take your shirt off at the next Greek Pool Party.
#5. Keep the E. Lynn Harris
Books on your Shelf
Unless you’re a black woman, there’s no other reason for a black man to have the collected works of E. Lynn Harris, James Earl Hardy and Terry McMillan on their bookshelf unless he’s longing to be swept off his feet by a dude. No matter how much of a “book lover” he is, if he has more than one novel on his shelf by a gay author, he’s gay. This is like flashing a “Hot Now” sign at Krispy Kreme: Homo Lives Here! Homo Lives Here!
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