You can call me internally homophobic. You can call me an Effemiphobe. You can accuse me of Patriarchy. You can do all of those things and more but the fact remains that I do not relate to the so-called “Gay Lifestyle” in any way. This is the moment when Gays easily angered by anyone challenging anything related to being feminine or flamboyant immediately scroll down to the comments section to “Read Me” for being discriminatory against a group I never attacked or bashed in the first place.
For all those still reading, let me explain. In my 15 years of being fully comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve always felt like an outsider. Not quite fitting in with the Heteros and not really fitting in with the Homos as well. But if I have to chose a side I most relate to, its with the breeders. As always, this is not an attack on Fems. My criticism is with the over-sexualized, overly obnoxious, perpetually outraged, superficial culture that is the “Gay Lifestyle.” Again, it has nothing to do with Fems (well it does a little, more so the loud flamboyant ones). It has only to do with a gay community built on sex, drama and messiness…and many feminine Gay men with regular lives feel the SAME way that I do.
Many of our young Gay men meet new gay friends and quickly learn that in order to be “gay” you have to fully embrace everything that is stereotypically related to “Gay Culture” or be labeled a Self-Hating-Gay. The “Gay Lifestyle” means you need to “get into” the latest pop divas, gay slang and define yourself by sexual innuendos/position/imagery on social media sites.
MANDATORY UNSPOKEN RULE:
You have to have at least one topless photo of yourself online before anyone will engage you in any conversation, preferably a photo showing defined abs and protruding pectorals.
Just scroll through the Twitter pages of Gay Men of Color…Or the BGClive forums…or the many tumblr blogs that feature NOTHING but porn or pictures of partially nude men. I’ve been saying for years that, for the most part, the only thing I have in common with many gay men of color is that we’re both attracted to men. By that mere fact, I’m expected to embrace ALL gays as brothers, as best friends and as hang-out buddies. What kind of sense does that make?! Are all Heterosexual men best friends and brothers with ALL other men who like Vagina, no matter their distinct upbringing and interests? If the only thing we have in common is an attraction for men, how does that translate to us having a LOT in common?
The notion that I need to embrace ALL gay men as brothers, no matter the incompatibilities, because we’d all be called “faggots” by a heterosexual homophobe is not what I’d consider the foundation for a great long-tern friendship. Look at the men in the photos that I’ve attached. I applaud all of them for courageously living their lives the way THEY want to live them. But how they live their lives is not how I want to live mine. I have a completely different style, swag and coolness. I’m laid-back like the Pink Panther, not someone wanting to call attention to myself like the men in the photos. The same rationale would apply if we were talking about Obsessive Sports Jocks or Hipster Backpackers.
I only have about four to five gay friends, they’re all low-key masculine(ish) guys who are not closeted and none of them have seen my penis. The rest of my friends are all heterosexual (none of which know or care about my sexuality). The connective tissue is we have common interests outside of SEX. We’re into the same activities, political topics, movies, sports, music, etc. I live a rather normal, boring, drama/flamboyancy-free life and I love it.
The question in the title of this article, “Do I relate to other Gay Men” (and other questions), was asked by Caucasian Gay Filmmaker Blake Pruitt in his short documentary 20GayMenNYC. The decision to make this film stemmed from conversations he had with friends who admitted, “I hate stereotypical Gay guys.” We can try to blame “The Media” or Heterosexuals for the proliferation of stereotypes. But the truth of the matter is, many in our so-called Gay Community perpetuate stereotypes themselves without any outside help whatsoever. When Octavius Williams sent me the link to Blake Pruitt’s documentary, I watched with my jaw dropped because I saw that many gay men, including feminine gay men, felt the same way I did: The Gay Lifestyle really ISN’T for me.
Watch the Documentary and let us know your thoughts. Do you feel comfortable in the Gay Community? Does Sexual Attraction really make for a solid community foundation? Are you a victim of Self Hate? Are you in denial about your place in the Gay Lifestyle? Do you have an Gay friends that you HAVEN’T had any sexual contact with? How about any of the other questions asked in the film? Lets discuss.
As far as I am concerned…” the gay lifestyle” does not exist. This is my life and I will life it in the way I feel to..me being gay…what? Is there something like ” the heterosexual life” ? So stop labeling yourselves. You firstly will meet me the person and will get to know me as we grow in our relation. Meet Ronald and not Gay Ronald. Get me! I am a Gay South African of color and I could not give a F&$? what the next person thinks how I should live my life. I was given one life and I am living it to the fullest , there will be no regrets when I’m done. I know when to be professional and when to be “ghetto”..it’s all about respecting each other and making each moment and encounter counts. Just enjoy your life and you be the author of you own book. This from a black(colored) male of 40 in South Africa where you get bombarded from all sides as to why you can’t be gay. Well I am GAY and proud to be, living my life like its golden..
real talk tho would u post pictures of some niggas with guns or the cursin toddler and say is the “black lifestyle” for me?
Mmmmm good point!
I would think not being that “black” is not sexuality nor is it a lifestyle. Let’s not be coy and pretend that the “gay lifestyle” does not equate to exactly what the supporters of the gay lifestyle intend for it to be.
The article explained the author’s view of the “gay lifestyle” which many know to be true and exists.
Someone’s “gay” experience can be different in the same way someone’s “black” experience can also be different. Even though black people may be portrayed in a certain way, as to make that particular way common or the default way of existing (simply bc it gets the most “air time” so to speak), I don’t say oh, I’m not a part of the black community because I don’t particularly exist in the way a lot of people believe we do. The same goes for gay ppl and the so-called gay lifestyle. I have no control over either part of myself and I choose to embrace both which does not mean I have to fall into the stereotypes of either, so in that way it is the same imo. I actually hate the word “lifestyle” in general bc being gay is a small part of my existence, why is my whole “life” or “lifestyle” defined by it?
Nope, no, don’t try it. No need for word semantics here. No need to play games and act like the term “Gay Lifestyle” has evolved to now mean the “Gay Experience”. You can have experiences in or out of the gay lifestyle and not “live it”; however their are a large number of men who damn near exclusively live a gay lifestyle, which again is in part what this piece is referring to.
I Agree to disagree here
No…I actually relate more to “niggas with guns” and “cursing toddlers” more than I relate to naked, oiled-up nipple-ringed men dancing on parade floats. So if that’s supposed to be the “Black Lifestyle” then It’s def for me more than the “Gay Lifestyle” is…
LMAO!!….”oiled up nipple rings”
There is definitely a Gay Lifestyle.There’s a culture around being sexually attracted to men .There are certain trends,slang,and even entertainment expected to be followed,which many guys do 100%.
Out of all the gay men I’ve met,only two have been lasting friends.The rest were too incompatible.We both like men,but since i did not remotely care about Nicki Minaj’s clothes or any reality tv shows our conversations were strained from the beginning.So no,being gay isnt enough to make you friends,anymore than age or location is or even being blood relatives is.
As someone who’s stated multiple times( numerous times on this site I know) that I feel in spite of my homosexuality,of which I am in no form of denial about,that I don’t relate to the gay world I totally get where you’re coming from.
So are you friends with ppl just bc they are blk?!….There are tons of blk ppl I feel I have very little in common with except for the fact we are blk…
That’s exactly what I’m saying.Something like race or sexuality isn’t enough to make you bond with someone.The fight for certain rights can provide the “solid community foundation” but sexual orientation alone is not enough to provide a universal bond.