PictureYou can call me internally homophobic. You can call me an Effemiphobe. You can accuse me of Patriarchy. You can do all of those things and more but the fact remains that I do not relate to the so-called “Gay Lifestyle” in any way. This is the moment when Gays easily angered by anyone challenging anything related to being feminine or flamboyant immediately scroll down to the comments section to “Read Me” for being discriminatory against a group I never attacked or bashed in the first place.

For all those still reading, let me explain. In my 15 years of being fully comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve always felt like an outsider. Not quite fitting in with the Heteros and not really fitting in with the Homos as well. But if I have to chose a side I most relate to, its with the breeders. As always, this is not an attack on Fems. My criticism is with the over-sexualized, overly obnoxious, perpetually outraged, superficial culture that is the “Gay Lifestyle.” Again, it has nothing to do with Fems (well it does a little, more so the loud flamboyant ones). It has only to do with a gay community built on sex, drama and messiness…and many feminine Gay men with regular lives feel the SAME way that I do.

Many of our young Gay men meet new gay friends and quickly learn that in order to be “gay” you have to fully embrace everything that is stereotypically related to “Gay Culture” or be labeled a Self-Hating-Gay. The “Gay Lifestyle” means you need to “get into” the latest pop divas, gay slang and define yourself by sexual innuendos/position/imagery on social media sites.

You have to have at least one topless photo of yourself online before anyone will engage you in any conversation, preferably a photo showing defined abs and protruding pectorals.

Don’t get me wrong, many heterosexuals are just as superficial and sex-obsessed as “The Gays.” However Gay men seem to make it essential to infuse SEX into EVERY aspect of the community and lifestyle. The “Gay Lifestyle” is one where it’s EXPECTED to have sex with every somewhat attractive guy you meet, even if just for friendship (“Only looking for friends, No Bottoms” What does sex position have to do with friendship?!).

Just scroll through the Twitter pages of Gay Men of Color…Or the BGClive forums…or the many tumblr blogs that feature NOTHING but porn or pictures of partially nude men. I’ve been saying for years that, for the most part, the only thing I have in common with many gay men of color is that we’re both attracted to men. By that mere fact, I’m expected to embrace ALL gays as brothers, as best friends and as hang-out buddies. What kind of sense does that make?! Are all Heterosexual men best friends and brothers with ALL other men who like Vagina, no matter their distinct upbringing and interests? If the only thing we have in common is an attraction for men, how does that translate to us having a LOT in common?

The notion that I need to embrace ALL gay men as brothers, no matter the incompatibilities, because we’d all be called “faggots” by a heterosexual homophobe is not what I’d consider the foundation for a great long-tern friendship. Look at the men in the photos that I’ve attached. I applaud all of them for courageously living their lives the way THEY want to live them. But how they live their lives is not how I want to live mine. I have a completely different style, swag and coolness. I’m laid-back like the Pink Panther, not someone wanting to call attention to myself like the men in the photos. The same rationale would apply if we were talking about Obsessive Sports Jocks or Hipster Backpackers.

I only have about four to five gay friends, they’re all low-key masculine(ish) guys who are not closeted and none of them have seen my penis. The rest of my friends are all heterosexual (none of which know or care about my sexuality). The connective tissue is we have common interests outside of SEX. We’re into the same activities, political topics, movies, sports, music, etc. I live a rather normal, boring, drama/flamboyancy-free life and I love it.

The question in the title of this article, “Do I relate to other Gay Men” (and other questions), was asked by Caucasian Gay Filmmaker Blake Pruitt in his short documentary 20GayMenNYC. The decision to make this film stemmed from conversations he had with friends who admitted, “I hate stereotypical Gay guys.” We can try to blame “The Media” or Heterosexuals for the proliferation of stereotypes. But the truth of the matter is, many in our so-called Gay Community perpetuate stereotypes themselves without any outside help whatsoever. When Octavius Williams sent me the link to Blake Pruitt’s documentary, I watched with my jaw dropped because I saw that many gay men, including feminine gay men, felt the same way I did: The Gay Lifestyle really ISN’T for me.

Watch the Documentary and let us know your thoughts. Do you feel comfortable in the Gay Community? Does Sexual Attraction really make for a solid community foundation? Are you a victim of Self Hate? Are you in denial about your place in the Gay Lifestyle? Do you have an Gay friends that you HAVEN’T had any sexual contact with? How about any of the other questions asked in the film? Lets discuss.