Many Gay men have told me similar stories. That they will make their new potential relationship-material guy wait long weeks and months without any sexual contact so they can supposedly build a bond with him first.
Eventually they engage in intimacy when they arbitrarily feel the time is right and the other person has “earned” it. However, the guy they meet online for a quick one-night-stand hookup gets the goods immediately without having to put in all that “work.”
To put it another way its like saying:
“Sex with me is easy to get if I’m horny even if I don’t necessarily ‘like’ you as relationship material…BUT if I’m interested in you, you have to wait for it so you can get to know me better first to make sex more ‘special’…unlike the guy I hooked up with whose name I don’t know past a one letter initial (Dee, Tee, Jay, etc). Basically, sex with me has lower value when it comes to hookups but I arbitrarily raise its value when it comes to dating.”
What I’m proposing is that it should be the other way around. Most men should be open to sex even on the first date if they are dealing with the rarity of someone they like on more than a physical level. This does not make you a whore, slut or promiscuous. It makes you a human being.
Hookups are just to release a need.”
If that’s the case then you admit that your body is not the holy temple that you would like the guy you’re dating to believe. No matter what you call the physical act, its still just sex. Everyone does it. There may be an emotional addition when the sex is with someone you care for, but that’s all subjective. In my experience, we all know pretty quickly if we are feeling the guy we’re out on a date with. Typically 30 seconds is all it takes.
If I like a guy and I know he likes me too, chances are we’ll be having some kind of sex sooner than later. The difference between him and a hookup is that I actually call him again. For me, sex is NOT the prize worth making him wait for…the prize is the privilege of getting to know Nicholas Delmacy and all my complications past the superficial and physical.
In my opinion, many Gay man are indoctrinated with antiquated rules and norms of heterosexual relationships.
We have this internal voice that tries to tell us if we “give it up” on the first date, he will look down on us, consider us “easy” and possibly disappear afterward.
This may or may not happen to you but I’d argue that if the guy you really liked had sex with you and then vanished, this is not the type of guy you’d want in your life anyway. He did you a favor.
Making him wait 2-4 months so you can have time to “sell yourself” to him as a partner more is disingenuous. You’re using sex as a carrot to keep the fantasy of a potential relationship moving forward.
I’ve had many Gay men who were Bottoms tell me that they don’t want to feel used, that’s another reason why they wait. Again, this is false logic perpetuated by a comparison to heterosexual dating practices. Sex is a two-way street.
If he had sex with you and you never heard from him again, he did not get any more out of the exchange than you did. You BOTH had sex (and hopefully enjoyed it). Chalk it up as an amazing sexual experience and move forward.
“But Nick, waiting for sex makes it more special when you finally do it.
Makes me all tingly inside.”
I’d argue that making him wait can have more negative side effects than anything. Getting the sexual tension out of the way early on turns the focus off of hiding erections and more on getting to know each other better. We’re talking about adult men who think about sex 75% of the day.
The guy you’re courting could just get impatient and move on to another person. He is a man with needs and desires after all. If not from you, he’ll get it from somewhere else. Also, let’s say that after 3 months of waiting and dating you find out that the sex is bad.
I could get sex from literally anyone (even myself with the help of some good porn), but I can’t get your conversation, experiences, jokes, stories, home cooking, etc anywhere else. That is the currency worth holding out for that special person, not the sex.
If they’re still asking questions about your life after you bump ugly, that means they’re worth holding on to.
– Nick D
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