Many Gay men have told me similar stories. That they will make their new potential relationship-material guy wait long weeks and months without any sexual contact so they can supposedly build a bond with him first.
Eventually they engage in intimacy when they arbitrarily feel the time is right and the other person has “earned” it. However, the guy they meet online for a quick one-night-stand hookup gets the goods immediately without having to put in all that “work.”
To put it another way its like saying:
“Sex with me is easy to get if I’m horny even if I don’t necessarily ‘like’ you as relationship material…BUT if I’m interested in you, you have to wait for it so you can get to know me better first to make sex more ‘special’…unlike the guy I hooked up with whose name I don’t know past a one letter initial (Dee, Tee, Jay, etc). Basically, sex with me has lower value when it comes to hookups but I arbitrarily raise its value when it comes to dating.”
What I’m proposing is that it should be the other way around. Most men should be open to sex even on the first date if they are dealing with the rarity of someone they like on more than a physical level. This does not make you a whore, slut or promiscuous. It makes you a human being.
Hookups are just to release a need.”
If that’s the case then you admit that your body is not the holy temple that you would like the guy you’re dating to believe. No matter what you call the physical act, its still just sex. Everyone does it. There may be an emotional addition when the sex is with someone you care for, but that’s all subjective. In my experience, we all know pretty quickly if we are feeling the guy we’re out on a date with. Typically 30 seconds is all it takes.
If I like a guy and I know he likes me too, chances are we’ll be having some kind of sex sooner than later. The difference between him and a hookup is that I actually call him again. For me, sex is NOT the prize worth making him wait for…the prize is the privilege of getting to know Nicholas Delmacy and all my complications past the superficial and physical.
In my opinion, many Gay man are indoctrinated with antiquated rules and norms of heterosexual relationships.
We have this internal voice that tries to tell us if we “give it up” on the first date, he will look down on us, consider us “easy” and possibly disappear afterward.
This may or may not happen to you but I’d argue that if the guy you really liked had sex with you and then vanished, this is not the type of guy you’d want in your life anyway. He did you a favor.
Making him wait 2-4 months so you can have time to “sell yourself” to him as a partner more is disingenuous. You’re using sex as a carrot to keep the fantasy of a potential relationship moving forward.
I’ve had many Gay men who were Bottoms tell me that they don’t want to feel used, that’s another reason why they wait. Again, this is false logic perpetuated by a comparison to heterosexual dating practices. Sex is a two-way street.
If he had sex with you and you never heard from him again, he did not get any more out of the exchange than you did. You BOTH had sex (and hopefully enjoyed it). Chalk it up as an amazing sexual experience and move forward.
“But Nick, waiting for sex makes it more special when you finally do it.
Makes me all tingly inside.”
I’d argue that making him wait can have more negative side effects than anything. Getting the sexual tension out of the way early on turns the focus off of hiding erections and more on getting to know each other better. We’re talking about adult men who think about sex 75% of the day.
The guy you’re courting could just get impatient and move on to another person. He is a man with needs and desires after all. If not from you, he’ll get it from somewhere else. Also, let’s say that after 3 months of waiting and dating you find out that the sex is bad.
I could get sex from literally anyone (even myself with the help of some good porn), but I can’t get your conversation, experiences, jokes, stories, home cooking, etc anywhere else. That is the currency worth holding out for that special person, not the sex.
If they’re still asking questions about your life after you bump ugly, that means they’re worth holding on to.
– Nick D
Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me, Nick! And, at the risk of admitting to being in the minority, I tend to function in the ways you described, meaning, I don’t believe in the old “wait for the right one” or “wait until you’re married before having sex” rule(s) — and I was raised in the “ol school” ways of doing certain things! If you think about it, most men (I don’t know about most women) are guided by PHYSICAL/SEXUAL ATTRACTION FIRST – which brings on the actual meeting and desire to be with that someone in the first place! Sure, getting to know someone is kool, and I’m all for that; but it’s not always the case (and this is the REAL world where fantasies don’t survive). I say that if there is a real physical, sexual attraction happening between me and whomever — and I can go there with that person– then I say, “why not? Let’s go!” Other than the need to bust a nut, perhaps ANOTHER reason why so many men (and women!) have one-night stands or casual hook-ups may have a bit to do with some personal insecurity on the part of either party. One-time hook-ups usually mean no worries or concerns about what that “one-time sex partner” thinks of you in terms of personal physical appearance, personal hygiene (including MOUTH, ASS and GENITALS ODOR), sexual performance (!), sexual kinks (!), or even what your crib looks like, etc because HOPEFULLY, you’re never gonna get with him/her again. Note that I used quotations on the term “one-time sex partner” because sometimes, a dude hits it with that same person at least two or more times later on (if the sex was THAT good) with no real intention of ever establishing anything more than sex. Same goes with women. (Am I right on this?) Anyway, with a hook-up, the average guy (and again, maybe some women, too) have more freedom to go all “buck wild” and not give a fuck or maybe experience very little embarrassment with their sex partner. At first meeting, you chat it up a bit, exchange some meaningless (truthful or not) bullshit about yourselves, then get down to “knocking boots”. There are no strings attached, so the sex to be had is relatively easy (unless you were unfortunate in catching some STI/STD from him/her, she gets pregnant or, for whatever whacko reason, the hook-up becomes obsessed with you, if not ALL of the above!) Personally, I only seek to have all-out sex with someone to whom I’m EXTREMELY attracted to. I’m not out to find a “warm body” to stick my hard dick into, nor am I looking for some “cum receptacle”. Sex with ANYone is a passionate thing for me; this includes oral sex and mutual masturbation. “Passionate” in this sense, and by my personal definition, does NOT mean “soft, gentle sex”; on the contrary: I DO enjoy a bit of roughness from time to time! “Passionate sex” means I’m giving my “one-time sex partner” my all – physically and sexually – because I want to enjoy the bliss, the pleasure, of doing so! I want to GIVE pleasure AND I want the very same RETURNED TO ME in that same intimate moment! I’m not going to waste giving myself to someone for anything less! Now, I’m all too aware that the chances of my hook-up(s) becoming something more (emotionally) are remote; yet I’d still would want to think positive of the possibility of me and that person(s) becoming friends. Then… maybe… developing one of those friendships into something deeper and more intimate, if that is the way things are to be…OR… simply agree with one (or two) to become fuck buddies (In either scenario, I’ll still exercise the same passionate sex!) I want my lover(s) to will know the kind of man I am sexually and, more importantly, understand that I take my sex with the fun and pleasures that comes with it but seriously, too! Perhaps one of more of my “hook-ups” will appreciate that about me and practice the same thing with their follow-up partners. ~ RobFather
I agree that it may not be best to show 100% of your freaky side to a potential partner up front, lol.
Nick I think we must have met at some time. I too say this to folk all the time. Also added to the mix, many folk are afraid of the real responsibility that comes with “relationships”. Dating has become something you do with “friends” hookups have become “dating” for sex.
I agree with all of this, Nick….and I tell my friends things like this all the time. Everyone has their own boundaries, likes, & dislikes. I try to keep my sexual partner count fairly low. I’d never want to walk into a room and see more than two people I’ve had sex with. I don’t knock anyone for promiscuity, its just not my thing. On the flip side, I do keep that 1-3 who can come handle business when I feel it needs to be done. When/if I’m considering being in a relationship with someone, I don’t like to make the person wait OR have sex with them right away. I like to wait until the time is right.
Not bragging on myself, but roughly 90% of my encounters have hit me up following the initial meeting (whether sexual or not) wanting to continue conversation. I didn’t follow through with a lot of them because I found what you said to be very true. In most cases, I know within 30 secs whether or not I’m gonna like this dude. The problem with getting so much acceptance is rejection hurts worse. There was one guy (I will probably never forget) that I went to chill with one night. No sex was involved…just two cocktails…Lord knows I wanted to just go crazy in his lap LOL! This fool did not respond to me initially and every time after that!
It killed me….and several months later he told me I just wasn’t his type.
Yeah I can pretty much relate to everything you said here. Typically I’m straight up with the other person if I’m attracted to them but don’t want to develop a relationship. If they’re okay with just being friends with benefits, then we continue on…Usually they all want more so we eventually break it off.
I am almost with you on this topic. As for sex and holding out, i’ve been similar to what you described, but it wasn’t about making some dude wait…it was about me waiting. I get all wrapped up from sex. I start thinking about the person while at work, when I wake up in the morning, when I laugh at something…etc. So, I need to go into a situation knowing what my intentions are. Hit it and split or dating and love him. It can never be both, at least not for me.
My time frame has been 3 weeks. Ain’t sh*t happening in the bedroom or on the couch, or in the garage, or parked in front of their house for 3 weeks. Hell, i usually dont let a person know where i live for 2 weeks. Crazy people exist and I dont need them knocking on my door unannounced. I cant be the one.
We all do what we should do for our own selves. Who cares if the guy is waiting. You just met him, who give a damn about how he feels (yet). We need to concentrate on how we feel about ourselves in the attempt to include them in our lives, our families, and our privatey parts. If you need 3 months…take it (a bit excessive in my opinion, but I’m not that person who needs all that time). I dont trust “the right time” to happen before 3 weeks. Im a man and its always the right time to bust one off. So, I need boundaries for my own self. If the guy is with it…great. If he’s not…too bad.
If you wanna hit this before 3 weeks of dating, then that better be all you wanna do because that renders you a hit it and split. So, my point…do you for your own sense of calm and purpose, whatsoinever that might be.
At least you admit that the issue is with you…Waiting even 3 weeks seems excessive to me. From what you say, having sex makes you obsess over the other person immediately afterward. If its gonna happen anyway, why postpone the inevitable?
to me the problem is the sex…meaning why is sex more important then getting to know a person. I am sure will all have fucked around with someone and end up regretting it and wished we hadn’t of done it. There is nothing wrong with taking your time. Why the rush? What is wrong with focusing on finding something meaningful instead of getting a quick nut?
Ocky wrote: “Why the rush? What is wrong with focusing on finding something meaningful instead of getting a quick nut?”
Well, the point I was trying to make in the post was that unless you are a virgin teenage girl on your period, its possible to do both. If there is a mutual mental, physical and sexual attraction, making yourself wait weeks/months seems odd.
Bein one of those who did the “using sex as a carrot to keep the fantasy of a potential relationship moving forward”, I personally feel like the jackass..(half-pun intended, if anybody even caught that)
I’m a lil bit paranoid like Nick tho..as tempted as I’ve been in the past to hookup wit somebody, I don’t wanna break that mini-vow I made to myself, cuz I was (& still kinda am) afraid to catch sum’n during a hookup (*looks down* ..embarrassing as this kinda is to put in the air, I got a thing for oral..giving & receiving..[I’m fully vers., btw])
So if I like, wanted to do it wit somebody, should we bring papers or sum’n..? Or should I take a risk? Cuz this ENTIRE article seems to lean into the direction of a reason while I’m still single AND sexless.. -_-
For me hookihg up is just a way of using somone.Im not really concerned with them as a person,they are just facilitating a need.Im no sociopath or anything,but they are just a sex toy with a pulse
When I like someone,I prefer not to objectify them like that,even though of course I have a physical attraction for them and Im ready to get down to business from the jump.I like to promote comfor on his part,so he knows Im interested in his company as well.Does that make sense?