FLAKY GAY MEN or: How To Lose Friends And Distance People

By Nick Delmacy | Posted Aug 6 2014 | 66 Comments  

FLAKES

Flaky Gay Men are found in every city, state and country all over the world. They’re often late, unreliable, stand you up on dates, cancel plans at the last minute, don’t return calls or text messages in a timely manner, or just plain unreliable when you need to depend on them.

A Gay Flake will flake out on you in just about any situation or circumstance. Their behavior is often the result of either overextending themselves to please a lot of people, being procrastinators who are always juggling too many people, events and promises made to themselves and others or a plain old lack of consideration for anyone but themselves.

On the surface, they appear to be popular, outgoing people with tons of friends. Once you kick the tires and lift the hood you often find out that they don’t have many real friends or close relationships with actual human beings at all. Those fun Instagram pics are a façade. Many of their “friends” are actually just associates or fans, not real companions or comrades.

Gay Flakes can’t maintain real bonds for long mainly because of their own behavior and how they’ve treated others in the past. These men often blame others for their situation instead of looking within.

Sometimes this flakiness only applies to the “Gay” side of the Gay Flake’s life. I’ve been friends with closeted masculine gay men who seemed to have all the time in the world for their unsuspecting Straight friends but they were always unreliable when it came to being on time or keeping platonic social appointments with me.

busy

What you’re reading here isn’t the writings of a gay man feeling rejected. The Gay Flakes I’m referring to are the men who actively reach out to you for friendship or companionship, oftentimes enthusiastically with lots of charm and charisma, only to break their own promises.

So while it may be easy to dismiss a Gay Flake as a person who’s just not that into you, that doesn’t explain why they often go out of their way to display a desire to keep you in their lives.

Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of this. I was a flake in the past. A big one. While I’ve never stood anyone up on a date (without a very legitimate reason), I’ve often been late to dates or appointments with friends and I can sometimes not be the best communicator when it comes to initiating text or phone conversations (for reasons I’ll explain in another essay).

I’ve been so late in the past that I’ve had friends tell me that they won’t leave their homes until I’ve texted that I’m either on the way to the meet-up spot or that I was already there. Only recently have I got back on good graces with these guys.

So as a recovering Gay Flake, I have developed a keener eye for seeing other Gay Flakes of the world…Sort of like when Roddy “Rowdy” Piper puts on a pair of sunglasses.

 

As gay men, we’re all either a Gay Flake or we know one. They aren’t always the popular “Instagram Gays” with hundreds of selfie likes, they can also be the reclusive “Hermit Gays” who complain about a lack of real platonic bonds as they self sabotage every potential friendship that comes their way.

I have a flaky gay “friend” who gets hundreds of social media likes on anything he posts but when I ask him about his social life he complains about being a loner without many friends. Hell, even I’m not his friend in the traditional sense, but it’s not for a lack of trying on my end.

Oftentimes the Gay Flake doesn’t know he’s a flake at all. They lack the ability to see the man in the mirror. There may be a psychological reason for this.

I’d hypothesize that many Gay Flakes are borderline Sociopaths, they suffer from Antipersonal Personality Disorder. Yes, that sounds extreme but let’s look at the symptoms of Sociopathic Behavior.

Psychology Today argues that a person with Sociopathic tendencies “has an attention bottleneck that allows him to focus only on one activity or train of thought, to the exclusion of others.” They also state that, “people with this illness may seem charming, but they are likely to be irritable and aggressive as well as irresponsible.”

Other traits of a Sociopath:

• Superficial charm and good intelligence
• Unreliability
• Untruthfulness and insincerity
• Lack of remorse and shame
• Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
• Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
• Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
• Fantastic and uninviting behavior with alcohol and sometimes without
• Suicide threats rarely carried out
• Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
• Failure to follow any life plan

Some of the traits could apply to many of us but superimpose that list to the people you know who are constantly flaky. Do you see more commonalities than differences?

I may have been a flake in the past but I can’t say that I was a sociopath.

To be honest, in-person I can sometimes come off aloof and unapproachable (as I’ve been often told), however once people get to know me they realize that I’m often too sociable….sometimes to the point of being needy or clingy. Also, when I have to break a date or appointment, I feel tons of remorse and guilt. Missed calls and unresponded text messages often haunt me until I have a chance to reply.

This is not the case for many Gay Flakes.

They Give No Fucks.

 

Like Gay Dating, these flakes are often only looking for self-satisfaction to their own needs, not a mutual building of a normal healthy relationship or friendship with another person that requires work, compromise and sometimes doing things you don’t want to do.

So as a recovering flake, here are some ways to deal with or outright avoid the Gay Flakes of the world.

1. Don’t Ask Questions to Slow Texters

Let’s paint a picture: You get a text message from a Gay Flake and you instantly text them back. The phone was literally still in their hand when you responded. Instead of a timely response, this happens:


Slow texters are frustrating creatures that we all have to deal with occasionally. The ironic part about them is they are often people who say they PREFER texting to talking on the phone.

By slow texters, I don’t mean the people that take 5 or 10 minutes to respond…even 20 minutes is (sometimes) acceptable if you know that the Gay Flake is working, in class or in the gym at the time.

I’m referring to the 30 minutes to 2+ hour delayed texters. Exchanging messages at that rate of time is actually slower than it took people to communicate by telegraph in the 1850s!

Look, I get it, not everyone is attached to their smartphone at the hip. However, oftentimes the people who are slow texters are the same people you always see with the cells in their hands or face up on the table/bar/desk in front of them wherever they are. A betting man would be safe to assume that your messages were being screened much like a call that the Gay Flake lets go straight to voicemail.

Either way, a way that I’ve learned to avoid frustration on a normal texter’s end is to not ask any questions at all. And if you do, don’t ask questions that you actually want an answer to promptly.

Here’s the theory: Questions build up expectations on your end for a response, which leaves you hanging. Instead, phrase responses as statements that allow for responses but could also stand on their own. This is kind of like the finale of a TV show that may not be renewed for another season: There are new storylines established for the potential next season but if it’s cancelled, it’s still a satisfactory ending for the overall series (ie: The Season 2 finale of The LA Complex).

Again, this only applies to slow texters. If this seems like too much work, the ultimate solution to dealing with slow texters is to not text them at all.

2. Force Them To Make Specific Plans

If you’re friends with a flake or attempting to date one, getting physical face-to-face time with them can be a hassle. Statistically speaking though (based on my own metrics), Gay Flakes tend to stick to plans they’ve made themselves more than the plans made by others.

These plans can’t just be vague. You must force them to be as detailed as possible because it helps to visually solidify the appointment in their minds.

For example: If a Gay Flake says “Let’s hang out on Saturday,” DON’T LEAVE IT AT THAT UNTIL SATURDAY!

You have to force him to tell you when and where you will meet, otherwise he’ll forget all about it or even accidentally make plans to do something else. If they make the plans, they visualize it in their minds. It becomes more concrete and they own it. This makes it harder for them to flake out on you without guilt. It’s similar to the thought of not showing up or being late to your own party that you’re hosting.

Until they build their “social credit” back up to a 750 score, force them to make the plans and keep them.

Something as simple as: “Let’s meet at the Taco Mac Sports Bar on Peachtree at 6pm” is better than a vague, “Let’s hang out” because he knows you will be there waiting for him to show up if he doesn’t.

What if he still doesn’t show up?

3. Don’t Accept Being Repeatedly Stood Up

Being stood up happens to all of us. It stings worse when you’re stood up by a date, especially a first date. When people think of being stood up they often imagine the clichéd scene in the movie where the guy is sitting alone at the bar as he downs drink after drink to symbolize time passing.

Back-Then-2

Back-Then-1

Back-Then

Being stood up can apply to any given situation. From movie dates to see a new Marvel Studios blockbuster all the way down to just meeting up with a platonic gay friend for a cup of coffee. A person cancelling at the last minute or not showing up shows you that they don’t value you or your time.

As post-college adult gay men, many of us have busy schedules where we are juggling work with personal time, gym time and a social life. Gay Flakes seem to think that they are the only busy people on the planet. When they back out of or don’t show up to a planned connection, it never occurs to them how this will affect your own schedule. How you rearranged your own plans to spend valuable time with them.

We’ve all heard the old idiom: Time is money. This is true even when actual money isn’t involved.

When a Gay Flake stands you up (especially with little notice or valid reason), they are showing you your worth to them.

Sometimes this isn’t intentional or vindictive, they’re just scatterbrains. However, many times it’s a very intentional matter of them finding something better to do (the next best thing) and either forgetting to cancel plans with you in advance or just not having the courage to do so.

When this happens, don’t forget it.

I’ve often been that person working harder for a platonic friendship or intimate relationship than the Gay Flake. I’ve also often been the person giving trusting second, third and fifth chances to the flake, only to be bamboozled time after time. For a long time I chalked it up to their flakiness as just being a part of the cost of dating them or being their friend.

Eventually I realized that thinking was actually devaluing my own self worth. Now I give one strike and you’re out.

People make time for the things they really want to do.

4. Depending on Them – Tread With Caution

Gay Flakes can actually be good in a pinch. There’s something about emergencies that instantly bump you up to the top of their priority queue. However this is not always the case. Especially if what you need them for is not in their immediate peripheral time vision.

For a normal person, giving notice for help weeks or months in advance is a guarantee for your prayers to be answered. To a Gay Flake, you might as well have put a down payment on a flying car that you won’t test drive until the year 2050.

Gay Flakes don’t do advance notice well because that requires being good at keeping appointments and sticking to plans. Remember, if they haven’t made the plan or asked you for the favor, it doesn’t become real to them in their minds.

This is especially true if they are not getting anything in return. If you ask the Gay Flake to help you move into your new condo next month, they will hesitate but eventually agree only to be nowhere to be found once moving day hits. Remember that they’re slow texters too so don’t expect a timely response to your messages asking if they’re still helping you out.

This begs the question: If you doubt the dependability and reliability of your friend, are they really a friend to begin with?

flakequote

 5. Always have a backup plan

If you must keep that consistent Gay Flake in your life, having a backup plan is the key to your own happiness and sanity. If he makes plans with you and his “social credit” score is a 300, it’s best to assume that he will flake out on you like always.

Have alternative plans waiting in the wings so that your day or evening will not be completely wasted and you won’t feel like a loser.

And for Heavens’ sake, have some self respect and don’t repeatedly call or text him once you get the vibe that he’s flaking out on you once again. If you do, you’ll likely get the same response that the frog did when the scorpion stung him, “…It’s my nature.”


What are your experiences with Flaky Gay Men? Are you an admitted Flake yourself? Sound off in the Cypher below.

 

About the Author
Nick Delmacy

Nick is a founder, editor and the pop culture expert at Cypher Avenue. Serving as the designer and webmaster of the site, he is the architect of The Cypher Avenue Matrix.

   
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66 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Dean Green | August 6th, 2014
    0

    This article is so true. I say that “99% of men are fakes, flakes, frauds or phonies and the majority of the rest are just plain crazy”. It may not be 99% but there’s a lot of truth to that statement. I’ve been stood up before and I make it a point not to leave my place until I have confirmed by phone that he’s at our meeting place or on the way there.

    When it comes to texting, I know that people work and that they may not be able to text or call back immediately. I know that I cannot always text or call back immediately—but I always text or call back and often times within a minute or two. That being said, with the exgencies and requirements of work, I don’t “expect” to get a return phone call back until after working hours or sometimes just within 12 or even 24 hours. (Work, gym, school, school work, eating, rest and sleeping can eat hours in that 24 hours, particularly when working on projects or under deadlines.)

    I believe in the 5 Cs and use them to evaluate and analyze relationships. And they are applicable for personal and business relationships because balance/reciprocity/mutual benefit are important in all relationships and to a large degree the 5 Cs are about balance/reciprocity/mutual benefit. The 5 Cs are as follows:

    As far as an “association” with a man, woman or child goes, any relationship (be it between friends, between father and daughter, mother and daughter, husband and wife, etc.) needs the 5 Cs:
    1. Compromise: They need to be able to compromise on their legitimate interests.
    2. Communication: They need to be able to communicate about their wants, needs, hopes, fears, aspirations, etc. This includes not just “what” but “how” and “when” to communicate. And communication includes listening and not just “saying” or “writing” or “sending”. Some things are best said by email and others by snail mail, telephone call, text message, etc. So the mode of communication is important. This is the most important C. Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship. No communication tends to lead to no relationship. (And the corollary is also true: Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship and a poor relationship tends to lead to no relationship.) It is through communication that understanding—not assumptions—is achieved. It is through communication that the other Cs are realized. Compromise is made. Commitment is shown. Companionship is had and cash is dealt with clearly, compatibly and…

    • J's Destiny | August 6th, 2014
      0

      What happened to the rest of the 5C’s?

      • Nick Delmacy | August 6th, 2014
        +4

        The nikka didn’t know how to summarize and tried to write a blog post in the comments section.

      • Dean Green | August 6th, 2014
        0

        I have no idea. If the site has a word or space limit, it should indicate such when writing the comment.

        • RolandG
          rolandgarros28 | August 6th, 2014
          +2

          It does. See down beneath the comment box where it reads “characters available?” That’s where it tells you how many characters you have left. For example, after I finished this post, I had 2276 characters available. LMAO. Thanks for coming out.

          • alton
            NYCforEVER | August 7th, 2014
            +1

            giphy.gif

        • lyriq88
          Lyriq | August 6th, 2014
          +1

          It does. There’s a 2500 character limit that shows up directly under the comment box you type your responses to that actually decreases with each character you type…

        • Ocky Williams | August 6th, 2014
          0

          Yo Green thanks for being passionate enough to want to write a book…LOL. All jokes aside we really appreciate it and welcome to the Cypher! Here’s an idea…since you got the 5c’s down…why dont you submit it as a possible post for the site? That way you can have all the space you need. If we think it fits our brand we will mos def publish it.

  2. lyriq88
    Lyriq | August 6th, 2014
    +3

    I’m actually used to dealing with a lot of the people you mentioned in the first few paragraphs. Gay and straight. Something about Los Angeles leads people to believe they have to live these lies where they’re at every social event, hanging out with everybody who’s “anybody”, always cocktail in hand and Instagram ready. Upon meeting these people they can be extremely flaky and show little to no interest if you’re not serving their social media advancement, but in the event you get to dig deeper there can be a genuine person there.

    But rarely happens so… Yeah, those people are difficult. I just tried dating one actually. Gave up on that idea a week or so in lol. But what I’ve learned with these kind of people (whether they be friend or potential suitor), is to peep game early on. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by taking these kind of guys at their word when their actions are showing different. They’re showing you who they are and you’re choosing to believe different, thus causing your own headache. Peep game and trea them accordingly and you’ll be fine.

    By the way, I’ve been on a date at that Taco Mac before. I need that to come to the west coast ASAP. Those wings??? Amazing lol.

  3. African King | August 6th, 2014
    +3

    This article is well done. I’m usually in the position you are in @nick. Texting or calling someone repeatedly to see if everything is alright or to see what happened. People know me for always following through and planning ahead. I’m 24 now and I’ve learned now that I must live by this saying by Maya Angelou: “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This past year, what that quote embodies has sunk in and that has saved me a lot of frustration/heartache. I don’t set my expectations too high. I get to know people and when they show me something once (maybe twice) about themselves, I just follow that and don’t question it. I know how to handle each person accordingly.

  4. Ocky Williams | August 6th, 2014
    0

    …that time when your best friend, business partner and co-founder of Cypher Avenue wrote an essay about you. Is this allowed? I didn’t sign on for this.

    • Ocky Williams | August 6th, 2014
      0

      LOL yeah…I got some work to do.

  5. Dean Green | August 6th, 2014
    0

    Fakes, flakes, frauds and phonies let you know that you’re not important through their words and deeds.

    All we have in this world is time and money (or the things money can buy). You can tell a person’s priorities by how he spends his time and his money. When a person doesn’t return your text/calls promptly, he’s telling you that you’re not important. Maya Angelou famously said “When someone shows you who they are, believe him the first time.” How true. When someone doesn’t have as a priority returning your calls/text promptly or when someone stands you up or when someone doesn’t want to be held accountable to you (by explaining their actions, for example), then they are telling you that you’re not important to them. You can either keep them as your friend (with one-way friendship so that you give and they receive—but that’s no fun and is not friendship) or you can demote them from friend to acquaintance (so that you are less giving to them and you expect little from them—but that may be difficult because you have habits and customs toward them that you may find difficult to curb) or you can fire them—say good bye. The choice is yours.

  6. klothesmindedsince78 | August 6th, 2014
    +2

    @Nick …this article is SPOT on dude. I have expressed this concern to many people I have met. Sometimes, I have been guilty of not getting back immediately with people, but I always make it a point to keep lines of communication open. I have learned that people have to meet you halfway…if you call them, they should call you; if you reach out, they should reach back. A relationship (be it Eros, Storge, Phileo, or Agape) should be an exchange not an exception. There shouldn’t be an issue of one person feeling excluded or that they do not have to follow the general rules of common courtesy.

  7. ControlledXaos | August 6th, 2014
    +1

    Get sick. Move. Or lose a job. Then, you’ll find out who your real friends are.

    Getting sick: This could be a simple fever, a debilitating illness, or an amputation or disfigurement. The ones who don’t come around to help or check on you are not your friends. Especially the ones who only want to see how you look with one leg now.

    Move. “Uhh..something suddenly came up.” Okay, Marcia Brady, take your ‘suddenly came up azz’ up out my face. Ninjas know good and well they will not help you move anything or when they do, they want the light boxes or show up late after all the heavy lifting is mostly done. No. Thanks.

    Lose a job. If anyone ever owed you money, they definitely won’t be paying it back. Also, you better hope you have an emergency fund saved up because if you can’t pay your rent, don’t look to them as being a new roomie. At least not for more than a few days or when Friday or Saturday night comes so that they newest Jack’d hook up can still take place.

    • alton
      NYCforEVER | August 7th, 2014
      +1

      Jajaja!! I’ve experienced all this shit, my dude. I rarely get sick, but when I do, NOT a MUTHAFUCKA comes around or even texts to ask how I’m doing. You don’t realize just HOW alone you are til you get sick LMAO.
      I remember this one cat I was dealing with a while back, he came by once and his back was bothering him really bad. So “bleeding heart” me, gave this nikka back massages every night that he came over. Ironically the next week, I hurt my back at the gym. I could barely walk, bro. I mentioned it to this muthafuka and it was like “oh, that sucks”. NO massage, not even a fuckin rub or pat on my back. Plus, once HIS back stopped hurtin, he conveniently stopped comin’ through. And the muthafuka still owes me around $700, but I wont even get into that shit. Stupid ass me But that whole situation was a fuckin mess, anyways.

      Last time I moved, my best friend, whom lives RIGHT down the block from me, didn’t help because he was with some dude. My homeboy came from NJ to BK to help me move. Dude, there are countless other “tales” I could tell about flakey, fucked up ass dudes I’ve dealt with. I just have bad luck with people, period I guess. That’s why I stick with my plants and my animals, at least they genuinely appreciate everything you do for them. LOL

      • ControlledXaos | August 8th, 2014
        0

        Man I tried to telepathically tell my last bf I wanted a massage by giving him some. Didn’t work. I did not wanting to say constantly “Can you rub my back?” I felt at one point it should come out of the blue on his own without my prompting. I stopped giving them.

        Had one friend tell me I shouldn’t have tried to move on atl pride weekend and that’s why he couldn’t help. Wtf? I’m not putting my life on hold for a punk party. I was clearly clueless because it wasn’t labor day to me. It was I’m moving into my new apartment weekend.

        Luckily now my few friends are not exactly close enough for me to complain about as I am laid off but I’ve heard horror stories from others about how that can go wrong if you think someone may have your back.

        In the end, I try to be the friend I want people to be for me. I have stayed on the phone later than normal listening to complaints about “no good ass niggas” knowing I’m sleepy as all get out, helped people move, used my employee discounts to get people the hook up with no expectations in return, been a wing man, etc. So, yeah I do think my expectations may be a little high but not unreasonable when it comes to friends. I’m just a nice guy but don’t take that for a weakness or you will get the full brunt of my rage. Because when I say I don’t fuq with you, I meant it. You are deleted from my zone. Only keeping your number in my phone to set it to Send To Voice-mail.

        • alton
          NYCforEVER | August 8th, 2014
          0

          You’re a good man, my dude. I personally have stopped ALL that shit. Im not staying on the phone to listen to shit, Im not going out of my way to help a MUTHAfuka anymore, none of that shit. Call me an asshole, a “Grumpy Old Man” etc, but years of bein a contortionist for muthafukaz and gettin shit on has takin it’s toll on my patience and personality. But I do admire you dudes that still have it in you. :o)

          • ControlledXaos | August 8th, 2014
            0

            Tbh I’m not sure I have much of that left in me.

  8. Dre G | August 6th, 2014
    +3

    Those delayed texters are the same ones who will accuse you of acting funny if you stop initiating conversations with them.

    • Rod Turpin
      Rod! | August 6th, 2014
      +1

      ^^ This.

      It amazes me how some people get so accustomed to having their friends do all the legwork with initiating conversation, that they get truly offended if you expect them to initiate even once.

    • Madb86 | August 7th, 2014
      +1

      Truth!

    • Madb86 | August 7th, 2014
      0

      This is something I’ve had to learn to just not take personally. If you have to cancel or reschedule, that’s fine because things happen. However, if I notice that there is a pattern I just won’t make plans with that person anymore and they’ll have to let me know when they are available. It’s funny how many people don’t respect the time of others. I haven’t really had this problem in the romance department too much, but with friendships I have.

    • ControlledXaos | August 8th, 2014
      0

      What I want to know is, why did people decide that conversation had to be a game of tennis? If you texted me last, you can text me again. You may have made a statement that didn’t require a response. You don’t have to wait on a New Message ding to text again.

      Now I will say if realize that I’m always the one who initiates the conversation then I start to fall back. That’s dating or platonic. I am not aiding and abetting someone’s need to be the center of attention and you may be trying to say you are not interested but not actually say it so I’ll save someone the trouble of it being awkward and stop texting.

      • Dre G | August 8th, 2014
        0

        “…someone’s need to be the center of attention ”

        that sums it up

        • ControlledXaos | August 9th, 2014
          0

          Again everyone wants to be the Justin Timberlake or Beyonce of the group.

          • Dre G | August 10th, 2014
            0

            lol also said as “who died and made you the Dave Grohl of this group” or the less morbid but gayer “who died and made you the supreme of the coven”

  9. BlackguyExecutive | August 7th, 2014
    0

    I definitely understand the rationale behind this post. I am a pretty extreme type-A personality, I am a natural planner and I don’t deal well with flaky people. I would much rather anyone, friend or associate to tell me straight from the jump if they don’t want to hang out or meet up or whatever, over making failed plans. I understand that people get busy and have things come up but you really only get a few chances with me, especially without adequate communications.

    The texting thing kills me though. In my undergraduate studies, I participated in this experiment run by a few professors in the communications department on the developments of cell phones. People have become tethered to their phones and people now expect immediate access and response. That is crazy to me. What really bothers me is that someone will text me instead of calling me, if I don’t respond in a reasonable timeframe. I usually keep my phone on straight silent mode at work because sometimes my phone is an unnecessary distraction. But, if you are a real friend you will have the number to my office and no one bothers to use it. Even my boyfriend of 4 years, will text me, then get mad when I don’t respond and I am like, pick up the phone and call me if it really is that urgent. Our phones have become the perferred vice over actually human to human oral communication and I believe that is a problem. I have also made a habit of not sleeping with or next to my phone. So I guess I am a cynic when it comes to slow texting.

    I guess what can really resolve some of the issues outlined in this post are frequent open lanes of communications and desired expectations of friendships, the 6 P’s: proper planning prevents a piss poor performance, and recognition that some people are just flaky and its not ones job to try and fix them.

    • Nick Delmacy | August 7th, 2014
      +1

      You have time to have a full telephone conversation while at work but you don’t have 10 seconds to respond to a text message?

      • BlackguyExecutive | August 7th, 2014
        +1

        I do think picking up the phone for things that are urgent; that require my immediate attention is better than texting. What really bother me is that everyone believes that whatever they are texting requires urgent, immediate attention. Most often, that is not the case. Texting me asking “what am I doing? When I am at work does not require texting. I personally would much rather pick up the phone an have a two minute convo versus a series of texts to make plans, decide what to eat, etc.

        • Nick Delmacy | August 7th, 2014
          +1

          I hear you. For me I’d rather text if I’m working because I can still multitask. Talking on the phone takes too much attention at work. I may not respond to a text instantly but it’s still better that stopping work altogether to chat on the phone. After work, we can talk all night, but during work: Email, IM and texting is more convenient.

          • BlackguyExecutive | August 7th, 2014
            0

            Touche. Google Chat is going to be the death of me. You may be right for quick questions/response texting is fine. But if you want to have a convo, you need to call me. I

        • Madb86 | August 7th, 2014
          +1

          I prefer speaking on the phone, but I know when people actually call me they don’t know how to have short and sweet conversation. So I usually text.

          • ControlledXaos | August 8th, 2014
            0

            This!

            I think texting has made a to the point phone call a lost art. Once things start to get to awkward silence it’s better to just get off the phone and let some life happen to you both for a few days and then call back so you have something to talk about.

  10. alton
    NYCforEVER | August 7th, 2014
    +1

    This is a really good article, Nick. For myself, I guess I’ve admittedly gotten kinda “flaky” over the years but I’ve dealt with a LOT of fuckin flakes in the past and Im just like dude, Im not going out of my way to so shit for or participate in someone else’s interest/activities when those muthfukaz aren’t willing to sacrifice and do something that I like or take interest in shit that I like to do. I’ve NEVER stood anyone up on a date, I’ve been a little late a few times, but I always let the person know that Im runnin late. More so with my friends I’ve gotten this way . Actually, I can’t even say it’s flakiness because if I’m not feeling something I just flat out say no from jump, to the point where they rarely bother to invite me anywhere anymore. But I’m rarely pressed about it because the things they bring up most of the times are things I don’t want to do anyways. The shit that we did when we were younger (clubbin’, bars, always with alcohol in my system) I’ve outgrown and have no interest in anymore (unfortunately my friends haven’t). Truth be told, I’m comfortable in my crib.

    With meeting new people, fucked up as it sounds, I just don’t have the patience for it. Part of me does want to meet some new friends/go on dates/ be more social, but my interests (there aren’t many to begin with) differ so much from the majority of other gay dudes that in the end I’m just like “fuck it”, Im like a “Gay Pariah”. LOL. I also feel like (wrongfully so, I know) that gay dudes in general just come with drama, cattiness, self interest, and a bunch of overall judgement, that I’m too f#$kin old for. Plus a lot of it is also low self esteem, avoid meeting people and I can avoid being “judged”, I suppose. I’m a serious case, my dude. LOL

  11. SB3000 | August 7th, 2014
    +1

    This is an epidemic in the gay community! I just dont get it.

  12. Ace of hearts | August 7th, 2014
    +2

    This was a good good good piece… I just had to cut some people off and this made it all the better.

  13. Listen Up | August 19th, 2014
    0

    Good article, I struggled with trying to understand this gay friends thing since “coming out” b/c I wanted that close core of friends like I saw in Noah’s Arc. Many people think I have so many friends, but like you said they’re really just associates or “fans” (guys who wanna smash). I definitely still deal with flaky people but I don’t take them seriously and it’s on my terms, they’re just my party, “hey how you doing” circles and it goes no further than that on purpose. My FEW trust-worthy ones where there is a mutual respect and they genuinely well-round people, I fully embrace and care about.

  14. Josh | December 19th, 2014
    0

    Flakes often complain about never being in a relationship, and have yet to wonder why. I’m currently dealing with one myself; the guy I am talking to went from enthusiastic conversation (with date plans) to never responding. I’ve called twice in a week and get no reply, and have sent a text (“hope all is well”, how are you”) and nada. I’ll ignore for a few days and call again. He’s been on Facebook adding Instagram selfies and status updates, so he isn’t too busy. If he still ignores, I’ll give him my two cents worth and move on. If I fell out on interest with someone, I’d certainly tell them. Flakes are pussies and real men are upfront.

    • BlackUrbanite | December 19th, 2014
      0

      Stop now. This man clearly wants nothing to do with you and you deserve better, trust me I’ve been on both sides. You’ll find somebody worth your time and who’ll treat you with the respect you deserve … just stay proactive.

      Your self-respect must always win at the end no matter what.

  15. Thomas Rockman Jr. | March 13th, 2015
    0

    Hi Nick! Thanks for your keen insight; valid & valuable observations; and useful pointers. The only factor that you missed is the high propensity and high preponderance of gay men who are addicted to crystal meth, which can cause erratic, flippant, and even psychotic behavior (Having a Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde personality that can’t be trusted).

  16. SB3
    SB3 | July 1st, 2016
    0

    My ex is the epitome of a gay flake. I think this applies to so many gay men because so many of them flat out, live really flaky lifestyles. Hell, look at the dating aspect alone. No accountability whatsoever.

  17. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | July 1st, 2016
    0

    I will admit to having become the 'gay hermit' And being a Cancer might as well admit I am a hermit crab now but working on breaking out of my shell again. I have hermit tendencies that emerged big time the last year or so.

  18. Crescent Mugizi
    Crescent Mugizi | July 2nd, 2016
    0

    This rings so true to me. Gosh, do I know so many flakes…not just gays. I posted a status a couple of weeks ago when I was meeting a friend for coffee. She called me 30 minutes after our agreed upon meet-up time telling me she just let the house. Meanwhile, I left 40 mins early(20 minutes drive but I even accounted for traffic) and thought I was late.

    She was ashamed and very apologetic tho and she is cool so I squashed it out because the next time we were both on time. she told me she assumed that since we were Africans, we were both going to be late. LOL since when is being from anywhere in the World allows you to be inconsiderate of other people's time and plans?

    I don't do that PC Time shyt: If I say I'll be there around 09:00am, I am there around 09:00am.

    Is there something like a considerate flake? lol I try to at least let someone know 24 hours in advance if I won't be able to meet-up and always end with "how about X-Day at Y-time instead?" sometimes life just happens, but I guess your definition of flake is someone who creates a habit out of "cancelling plans" or who just doesn't even care at all to let anyone know.

  19. Tyroc
    Tyroc | July 2nd, 2016
    0

    This is why I don't have a lot of friends, I know a whole bunch of flakey individuals so I let them be them and and note the lesson that I'm not a priority and keep it casual.

  20. HauteChocolat
    HauteChocolat | July 2nd, 2016
    0

    Nick, could you tell if there was a particular reason why you acted that way when you did? Perhaps it might provide some insight in understanding why people act flaky.

  21. SB3
    SB3 | July 2nd, 2016
    0

    Im ____, many options of a mess to fill in the blanks w, but Im not a flake! I respect consistency.

  22. Crescent Mugizi
    Crescent Mugizi | July 3rd, 2016
    0
    HauteChocolat

    Nick, could you tell if there was a particular reason why you acted that way when you did? Perhaps it might provide some insight in understanding why people act flaky.

    You bring an interesting point. I am eager to hear about his "why" as well

  23. OhSheit
    OhSheit | July 5th, 2016
    0

    hm, I needed this. For my straight friends though.

  24. OhSheit
    OhSheit | July 5th, 2016
    0

    hm, I needed this. For my straight "friends" though.

  25. OhSheit
    OhSheit | July 5th, 2016
    0

    edit

  26. SB3
    SB3 | July 7th, 2016
    0

    *cough @alton cough*….

    Lol, nah, he's never flaked on me, he just won't leave the damn 'partment, to even get a chance to flake!

  27. jpo
    jpo | July 11th, 2016
    0
    Nick Delmacy

    Force Them To Make Specific Plans

    Long ago, before iPhones, flip phones, cell phones, I gave up on guys who, after our discussing plans for an upcoming date of any type, would say, "I will pencil you in." My response was always, unless you have ink I am not interested.

  28. Dante' | July 11th, 2016
    0

    As Ferdinand The Bull ♉️ You'll more than likely find me at home anyway or if I'm out I'm enjoying the city and festivities alone. I have experienced too many "flakes" and because I'm dependable I have a strong dislike when someone wastes my time. I'm the type that will allow you to be late but by the time you get there I've already ordered , probably eating and getting ready to pay for my things. Time is something we can't get back … Don't waste mine. Sighs guess that makes me a hermit lol

  29. BlackguyExecutive
    BlackguyExecutive | July 11th, 2016
    0

    I know so many flakes. I use to sorta be one. Not necessarily a flake but I never like to say yes to people when I was invited to this or that. One of my New Years resolutions this year was to say yes more. It has truly changed the dynamics of my friendships. For the longest time, I purely concentrated on developing my resume and pedigree and everything else took a back seat, including close friendships and my premarital relationships. I recognize that I needed to start valuing other people's time and efforts. Now if I can do something like meet friends for brunch or attend a dinner party or even plan a vacation with close friends I say yes. I have also made a habit of remaining in touch with my 4 best friends. Even though we spread out all over the world. I send them a text or email every week to let them know they are important to me.

  30. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | July 11th, 2016
    0

    A friend once told me that if certain people keep flaking they'll suddenly wake up one day to find themselves not being invited to anything anymore. That's kinda where I am now. It's just not worth the effort.

  31. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | July 11th, 2016
    0
    HauteChocolat

    Nick, could you tell if there was a particular reason why you acted that way when you did? Perhaps it might provide some insight in understanding why people act flaky.

    Infinite_loop

    You bring an interesting point. I am eager to hear about his "why" as well

    I was just always running late…I can be bad at over-estimating how much time I have before I need to leave my home and still be on time for the meet-up, lol. Also, if a person initiates the meetup, I typically put the onus on them to organize everything like day, time and location. A lot of times, guys just like to say, "Let's hang out" and then never come up with an idea of what they wanna do.

    So my flakiness level was very minute.

  32. alton
    alton | July 11th, 2016
    0

    My best friend from High School (whom I haven't seen since high school) was up here in NYC for the weekend and flaked out on me a few months ago. Me and this muhf#$ka was like Frick & Frack sophomore thru senior years, attached at the hip. So we catchin' up over the phone and sh!t and come to find out this dude rents out a property up in the BX and was here to check on some things so I'm like, damn dude, I pass by your place on the way to my padrino's house up in Pelham all the time! He talk all this sh!t bout "I miss you [email protected] Its been madd long. You my brother, Yo' we gotta get up, blah blah blah, yada yada yada"…come the day we gonna meet up by my job, THIS negro come say…"Oh uhhhhhh, lemme check wit wifey an' see what she say". [email protected] WHET???!!! You gotta clear with yo wifey, if you can hang out with your best friend that you ain't seen in 22 fukin years??????
    :whut:

    End story I never hear back from him and we never met up. This the second time this sh!t happen with him, a third time nah come'. And the worst part about it was this dude called ME out the f#$kin blue! BOTH times! smmfh
    :iverson2:

  33. OhSheit
    OhSheit | July 11th, 2016
    0
    Nick Delmacy

    I was just always running late…I can be bad at over-estimating how much time I have before I need to leave my home and still be on time for the meet-up, lol. Also, if a person initiates the meetup, I typically put the onus on them to organize everything like day, time and location. A lot of times, guys just like to say, "Let's hang out" and then never come up with an idea of what they wanna do.

    So my flakiness level was very minute.

    That is the worst.

    All of my friends are like that, and then they wonder why I don't hangout too often. Don't send vague texts and calls telling me you want to hang today, give no details and then I hear from you 12hrs later "come through…I'm at [insert location]".

  34. Crescent Mugizi
    Crescent Mugizi | July 11th, 2016
    0
    OhSheit

    That is the worst.

    All of my friends are like that, and then they wonder why I don't hangout too often. Don't send vague texts and calls telling me you want to hang today, give no details and then I hear from you 12hrs later "come through…I'm at [insert location]".

    Yeah… I definitely dont do the whole "let's hangout" thing anymore. It has worked 0% of the time.

    I try to get a tentative time,date, and location on Google Calendar lol . Sometimes it comes off as Type A but i don't care; i d rather be organized.

  35. jpo
    jpo | July 11th, 2016
    0

    A few years ago, January, I was up in NYC and met a college friend who lived in the Hudson River Valley 2 hours north of the city. A beautiful sunny, warm January day that brings out the best in the city I spent so much time in when I was young. At the High Line standing on a corner, a dude on his cell trying to figure out if he could hook up with a friend, a lot of back and forth – I am your chronic listener-in. A few blocks later, same deal, another dude – so where you at, when you showin – Later in the day, the same scene.
    I asked my college friend – how'd we ever manage to hang out forty years ago. Our homes were 30 miles apart, our summer jobs were equally far apart, but somehow we managed to make plans and hang out three or four nights a week with different groups of friends.
    Things got settled ahead of time and folks showed. No cells, no texts, nothing but agreeing to a plan and sticking with it.
    Now my college friend was/is straght and in those days most of my friends were straight.
    I think of that day in January now and those days and I think back about getting together with my gay friends – a different crowd entirely then – and I realize that no date was ever set in stone, in ink with a number of them. Being stood up was just part of the game then. So perhaps after all the flake factor is a constant.

  36. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | July 11th, 2016
    0
    Infinite_loop

    Yeah… I definitely dont do the whole "let's hangout" thing anymore. It has worked 0% of the time.

    I try to get a tentative time,date, and location on Google Calendar lol . Sometimes it comes off as Type A but i don't care; i d rather be organized.

    If I ever just say "let's hangout" it's usually days in advance and I always remind/verify before the day comes. Only after I get confirmation do I start making specific plans. Nothing worse than planning a whole night out only to get flaked on the day of…

  37. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | July 11th, 2016
    0
    jpo

    I think back about getting together with my gay friends – a different crowd entirely then – and I realize that no date was ever set in stone, in ink with a number of them. Being stood up was just part of the game then. So perhaps after all the flake factor is a constant.

    Good point and observation. Looking back, 95% of the time it's been gay ppl who have been the most notorious flakes. I wonder if there's a correlation to the two.

  38. Crescent Mugizi
    Crescent Mugizi | July 11th, 2016
    0
    Nick Delmacy

    If I ever just say "let's hangout" it's usually days in advance and I always remind/verify before the day comes. Only after I get confirmation do I start making specific plans. Nothing worse than planning a whole night out only to get flaked on the day of…

    I've had to cut ties specifically because of this… People even have no shame to flake *Multiple times* after confirming they will be there. Especially gay dudes.

  39. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | July 12th, 2016
    0
    Infinite_loop

    Especially gay dudes.

    Why do you think this is?

  40. Crescent Mugizi
    Crescent Mugizi | July 12th, 2016
    0
    Nick Delmacy

    Why do you think this is?

    I have two possible theories:
    1. it's just this pervasiveness of self-importance and self-absorption within the gay lifestyle. I've just rarely seen it with my straight friends, but that also might be because the pool of gay dudes from whom to pick "life-long friends" or "ride or die" or even associates(not friends with benefits) is slim. Most of the times dudes get consumed by the lifestyle, the social media follows, the popularity contest, and the virtual lifestyle they build that they start losing themselves to the point where even they believe that their time should take precedence over someone else is.

    2. It is also possible that flakiness might be a symptom of something else going on in their lives, not a cause. I remember when I lost a parent last year and went into a mini-depression. I started showing up late at work consistently (which I usually never do) even after a few weeks of bereavement . Of course this is an extreme example, but there is no denying that depression is prevalent in young black gay men. Tardiness and loss of interest into activities otherwise enjoyable are two main symptoms of depression, according to mayo clinic.




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