Well it’s been a minute since I got an advice question but this one I think was worth the wait. Oh this is some crazy shit here.  This post might be long, but its worth the read.  Of course the names have been changed.

Dear Cypher Avenue,I have a situation on my hands.  I have spoken about this with a close friend who gave some good advice.  My close friend also introduced me to your site and I have read your previous advice sections and wanted to get your opinion.

I am a 47 year old, divorced, out and open father with a 22 year old son.  I came out to my son’s mother which is what ended our marriage.  I no longer wanted to live a double life and needed to be true to myself.  Since then my son and the rest of his mother’s family and my family know that I am open.  Even though this was a struggle for everyone for some time; I have full support from my son and my ex-wife.

My son came to live with me when he was a sophomore in high school due to the school in my area having a outstanding football program.  My son went on to excel in his grades and football and in his senior year got accepted on a full football scholarship to a Division 1 college here in the south east.

My son is basically following in my footsteps, because I too played football in high school and in college.  Being an athlete and the lifestyle that came with it, along with my family’s Christian background and the homophobia in the black community, led me to be in the closet.  At 47 years old, I am a single, attractive in shape and take good care of myself.  I am often told I look young for my age and still get hit on by women.

In high school and now in college my son’s friends have known of his gay father.  Last February 2011, one of my son’s teammates “Tim” came home with him for the weekend.  This is not unusual and my son has brought friends home with him before, just as he has went home with his teammates or friends before with no issues or problems.  Tim and some of my son’s other college friends live about a hour from our house.

That morning as my son was outside washing his car, Tim asked me “when did I know I was gay”.  After pausing and being puzzled, because this question somewhat came out of no where and I was not that familiar with this young man, in a nut-shell I told him I have pretty much always known.  When I asked why did he ask the question, his reply was “no reason” and that was the end of that topic with no follow up questions from him.  From that point, I begin to suspect this young man was in the closet.


 Over the past months Tim and other teammates have come to the house many times with my son.  I feel I have raised a good kid and because my son is of legal drinking age, I do not object to him or his friends drinking in my home as long as they are respectful to themselves, my house and any female friends my son may have over.  As I stated earlier I have never had any issues or problems in the past.

Well that changed this past holiday break.  Let me set it up for you.  Tim came home with my son for the first portion of the holiday break.  My son also invited some friends over from high school.  As the evening was going down my son’s other friends went home but Tim stayed over.  I don’t know how much beer was consumed but eventually I heard my son go to his room.  There are sleeper sofas in the basement which is where my son and his friends usually hang out and where they sleep when they stay over.

About 3am in the morning I used the bathroom and head downstairs to the kitchen to get some juice.  I notice Tim is sleep on the living room sofa (something I don’t allow, I’m old school that way).  I woke him up and told him to go downstairs to the basement.  As I head back to the kitchen he stops and says “can I come get in the bed with you?”  I attempted to laugh it off being caught off guard and turned my back to place the juice back in the frig.  Hearing him motioning towards me; as I turned Tim was a little to close for comfort.  “Well can I?” he repeated.  I promptly told him to take his drunk ass to the basement and go to sleep.  He went downstairs and I went back upstairs to my room.

Full disclosure here.  At 6 ft 4’ 225lb brown skin, Tim is sexy as F@%#.  I cant remember what back-up position my son told me Tim played but Tim has a nice stature.  I was completely turned on when he was shirtless with me in the kitchen.  Why wouldn’t I be, but this was wrong and very awkward on so many levels that I think are obvious.  But I defiantly thought about him until I fell back to sleep.  Next morning it was as if nothing had happened and Tim was off to spend the holiday break with his family.  I thought this situation would not happen again but felt odd with Tim coming back over to my house with my son.

4 days past and I get a text picture message of TIM…shirtless.  What was going on here?  First I thought how did he get my cell number but he and my son are pretty close so I assumed he got it out of his phone or my son gave it to him.  I didn’t want to reply or call him as this may encourage something in his 23 year old mind.  So after staring at the pic for awhile I deleted it. 

My son’s mother and I have alternating holidays and this year it was my son’s turn to spend Christmas with my ex-wife and her family and he decided to take his girlfriend with him.  So in  I was at the house alone for a couple of days until my son came back. 


2 days before Christmas I am on my way home from a little holiday get together with friends and I get another text picture message from Tim.  This time it’s a picture with him showing his back and ass.  Not bending over but just him showing me his curves. 

Man it was so hot!  Being that I had a couple of drinks, I found myself contemplating very hard about replying this time.  Looking at his broad shoulders, back and ass really really had me hot and heavy.  But with me, cooler heads prevailed and again I did not reply.

The next day, around 7pm on Christmas Eve I get a knock at the door, it was Tim.  He asked me could he come in and talk to me. And I said sure but you are not going to come in here and disrespect my house.  But in the back of my mind I wanted to rip his damn cloths off and take him right there.  We sat down and he apologized for sending the text messages and that is when I noticed the smell of alcohol on him.  I begin to tell him how the texts were inappropriate and how they made me uncomfortable and were somewhat disrespectful cause I am his friend’s father.

He apologized again and said he was attracted to me and thought that seeing him naked would make it easier for us to “get down”.  He said he had never been with a man before and this is what he usually would do at school when he wants to get with a girl.  I am the only openly gay black man as he puts it “that acts like a dude” that he knows of which is why he felt comfortable coming on the way he did.

But he than abruptly asked “don’t you like what you see?”  I begin to tell him that it was irrelevant what I thought he looked like and that he is my son’s friend and teammate.  At which point he began to look agitated and I begun to feel sorry for him. As I got up and sat on the arm of the couch where he was sitting, I attempted to explain to him, that I understood what he was going through and I know its hard feeling sexually different, but he interrupts me and abruptly asked me “can I just touch it?” Shocked I said “touch what?” He said, ”you know, your dick?”

At that point I knew this wasn’t going anywhere and said to him when he sobers up a has a clear mind I would not mind talking to him and helping him with his feelings but said right then and there that he had to leave. 

Since then Tim has sent me several text messages that are sexual in nature and I have never responded to any of them.

Tim has not been back over to my house with my son.  I am not sure on how to tell my son but I do know I am not comfortable with Tim visiting while my son is at home.  My close buddy has given me some good advice, but what do you think about it?

Okay so here is my advice,

Picture Horny ‘n’ Nasty Switched Turned On;

Oh shit…muthafucka that is some hot ass shit right there. You should’a got that ass nigga.  Yo if it was me, I would’a hit that shit, I mean dudes fuck with young bitches all the time…what is the big deal?

Picture Horny ‘n’ Nasty Switched Turned Off;

You sir did the right thing and obviously in your case, with age comes wisdom.  

Of course two reasons you did the right thing is that…
#1 He is your son’s friend and teammate.
#2 He is a young man that has some things to work out and come to terms with himself and his sexuality.

Actions like Tim’s could potentially come along with being a college athlete and he may be used to getting what he wants including sex.  It’s unfortunate because you could have offered a unique level of mentor-ship, being that he may be going through the same experiences you went through when you were his age. The wisdom and human condition that goes along with this lifestyle that could have been passed on to him, has now been blocked by his sexual aggression and immaturity…sad.  Hopefully Tim will get it together.

As far as your son is concerned, you stated you have raised a good kid…he is smart and close with his father, so tell him the truth.  “Hey son, I don’t want Tim in my house anymore…for these reasons”.  You should point out to your son what a difficult time Tim may be going through with his sexuality / confusion, that coupled along with his age, may have caused him to act out the way he did towards you.  Not making an excuse for Tim but perhaps giving a reason for his actions.

I would hope it wouldn’t strain the relationship between the two, but as your son gets older he will learn (if he hasn’t already) that people come in and out of our lives for different reasons and it is up to him if he wants to remain friends with Tim.

Side note; did I read correctly when you stated Tim said at school when he wants to get with a girl, he sends them nude pics via cell phone?  WTF?…I mean these girls (or any recipient) can forward these pics to any one any where.  Maybe it’s just a sign of the times and I am getting old. Sigh…but I digress…

Well Man, I hope my response along with the advice from your close friend helps you through this situation, but as I believe with everything there is always the good with the bad.

The good is that at 47 years old, you can still pull and attract them 23 year olds.  Go get em…LOL