The Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Gay Men of Color: Part 2
Out with the old and in with the new. 2013 brings opportunity for a fresh start by shedding of the previous year’s bad habits. Always available for a Public Service Announcement; Cypher Avenue is here. I thought it would be motivational to high light subjects that may be hidden in plain sight. The following will feature points of view that will step on a few toes…not to cripple but in hopes that it gets some of us hopping in the right direction.
People usually lie because they are afraid of suffering some type of consequence. So what are you afraid of?
For the men in relationships; if you no longer want to be in the relationship, say so. Don’t you owe it to yourself or your partner?
Please don’t come with the cliché line that “it’s complicated”. It’s complicated because you make it complicated. Figure out how you can make it less complicated. We all know some relationships have an expiration date.
You should know that the lines of communication should always be open when you are in a relationship. When those lines break down and problems arise, it’s a horrible feeling to be walking on egg shells around your partner while harboring ill feelings.
None of this is justification to step out and cheat. Very few things can damage a man’s pride and ego faster than finding out he has been cheated on…and besides, who the fuck wants to be cheated on? Infidelity can turn a “regular” break up into a “messy” break up, all because you didn’t know how to be honest with yourself and communicate with your partner? If you want to see other people, say so. If you think the pastures are greener elsewhere, be a man and speak on it.
If your relationship can be salvaged; great! If it can’t, discuss it like grown men and go your separate ways. The sooner its over the sooner the healing can begin and both partners can move forward.
If you single and dating, understand dating can mean dating numerous individuals at once if you choose to. For the single men, you don’t owe anyone any explanations until you decide to date someone exclusively. As mature adults, we should all comprehend this.
During your dating process, be honest with yourself and others. If you are not looking for a long term relationship with a man; don’t lead a guy on if you know that’s what he wants. This is being deceitful. Likewise, if you are looking for a long term relationship but the guy you are seeing doesn’t want one, move the hell on. Don’t linger around hoping he will have a change of heart and please don’t think you can change him. You are deceiving yourself and setting yourself up for hurt.
When you are dating, both parties should be mature enough to clearly state what their intentions are. If the response is ambiguous, this is a clear sign you need to move on.
In 2013, save the drama for the reality shows on television. Understand that honesty is the best policy. Don’t cheat or be deceitful to others.
Let’s be real. MANY of us have made the mistake of not wearing a condom or not making the person we were sleeping with wear a condom. We have all made mistakes and we all have a past. You are not alone….but its a new year. Starting today or going forward, you can make a commitment to yourself that you will always wear a condom or make the person you are sleeping with wear a condom.
Be prepared! Keep condoms in your overnight or gym bag; keep them in your car, night stand, under your bed, in your bathroom, etc.
Many of us feel that condoms hinder the sensations and “slickness” of intercourse; therefore always keep plenty of lubrication on hand. Making sure everything is properly “lubed up” can compensate for a lack of natural sensations. Believe me, if the end goal is to get a nut, you will still get there while you are protected.
In 2013 you can help stop the spread of STD’s and protect yourself. Wear a condom.
This is a bigger problem then you may realize. For a lot of people drugs and sex go together like peanut butter and jelly. This is not a topic that is really explored and talked about in the gay community. Many men are not secure / comfortable with themselves when it comes to sex. This is not the same as being uncomfortable with their sexuality.
LETS BE REAL (grown folks talking)…you are horny and want to have sex, but what may be readily available is not necessarily someone you want to have sex with…BUT it’s what’s available.
So to get through and somewhat enjoy the experience…many of us inebriate. Whether it’s, alcohol, weed, poppers, prescription pills, coke, etc. we ingest or inhale and commence to doing our manly deeds. When the inhibitions subside, sometimes common sense and logic also subside. According to the CDC, drug and alcohol intoxication affects judgment and can lead to unsafe sexual practices, which put people at risk for getting HIV or transmitting it to someone else. Not just by having unprotected sex but also ejaculating in someone, or allowing someone to ejaculate inside of you. While under the influence, many of us can end up doing something thoughtless and stupid.
Even if you have protected sex while inebriated, the adverse feelings and emotions may still follow. Does this sound familiar to you when you wake up the next day…“oh god what did I just do?”
Minimizing your chances of doing something reckless? Can you challenge yourself to experience sex while not under the influence in 2013?
If you take anything away from this list or this website it is this…understand there is nothing wrong, deviant, abnormal, or demonic about your homosexuality. This can’t be overstated enough!
Homosexuality and Bisexuality have been a part of sexuality since human sexuality (it’s been documented both in written word and in prehistoric / historic artistic imagery) has existed.
Your sexuality is a part of the human experience. Ignore the non-factual and non-logical voice of our current political and religious climate and look to our cultural ancestors and ancient wisdoms for recourse and justification.
As I previously stated in the post Homosexuality – Natural As Nature Intended
“I looked to past cultures and attitudes in ancient Africa, Asia, the Middle East, Pacific regions, Europe and North America concerning homosexuality. It helped me to love and understand my sexuality today. Researching and learning about nature and the animal kingdom, helped me understand my sexual desires are not only normal but natural.”
I believe history does repeat itself. Sexual orientation will again become a non-issue just as it was hundreds or thousands of years ago. In the mean time however; you are here.
In 2013 embrace your sexuality! Let it be known your sexuality is normal. Own this and go forward so you can focus on more important avenues and aspects of your life.
I have said it before and I will say it again. A lot of mainstream gays want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be respected for their thoughts and ideals but they are not willing to do the same for when someone offers a dissenting point of view that is contrary to their own.
Having a difference of opinion doesn’t necessarily mean you are anti – “fill in the blank”. Just because someone has a different opinion concerning a situation or topic, please do not automatically assume they are homophobic, or effemophobic, or transphobic or whatever “phobic” you can manufacture and twist to fit your personal lexicon.
As far as our views of one another; describing or referring to another man (in general conversation) as “she” or “her” not only degrades the next man but also shines the light on you and your character. It helps solidify the notions that gay men are messy and catty and act like immature women which in turn perpetuates the stereotypes.
Also when us MEN (needlessly) refer to ourselves as whores, sluts, bitches, cunts or whatever derogatory female terms we can muster; we degrade ourselves and devalue our maleness, masculinity and femininity.
Critical thinking and civil conversations seem to be escaping us more and more. The go to replacement is now aggressive confrontational language and vitriol lanced back and fourths, which is being rewarded as “keeping it real”.
Make 2013 the year when we learned how to disagree without being disagreeable. Learn to articulate your differing points of view without attacking with venom. It’s possible and I would like to think that Cypher Avenue has provided a great example of how this can be accomplished.
Make 2013 the year you begin your journey to not just be a “gay” person, but to become a whole person.
Feel free to share your thoughts or point out some resolutions you would like to see gay men of color achieve in 2013.
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