It’s been awhile since Cypher Avenue had an ongoing advice “column”. Even though I was spearheading this idea, the questions that we kept receiving were becoming very similar and one dimensional. Mostly relationship and sex questions that were answered in numerous posts already published on the website.
Hopefully third times a charm as we attempt to bring back Cypher Avenue’s Advice Column. Yay!
First up in our reboot comes from a young man living in the NYC who is early in his dating phase. Check out Nick Delmacy’s advice and feel free to add your own thoughts or comments.
Hey what’s up Nick and Ocky
I’m T from NY. First off I just want to thank you two for even starting your sites (Discreet City to Cypher Avenue). I came across your website at an important time in my life. I had just turned 18 and pretty much said “Ef-it, I’m going to do me.” This meant actually dating guys and whatever. So I randomly stumbled across a link to your website on someone’s Jack’d profile and I’ve been riding with you guys since.
Your posts have helped me stay true to myself when I was feeling the pressure of the “gay lifestyle” to conform to the gay stereotypes, which wasn’t me at all. The straight life was more “me” and the gay life that I was introduced to had me feeling like a fish out of water. So thank you for creating a much needed space.
But anyway I do have a question for this submission. I’m fairly new to dating; I usually focus on work, school and recently my website. I just started dating someone for about 2 weeks and his birthday is coming up and he expects me to buy him a present. Naturally, I would get a little gift, nothing major (I’m a college student and money is tight). But he actually asked me for gift. There’s something that turns me off about just meeting someone and them asking you to buy them presents. I never ask anyone I just met for anything. Maybe it’s different for me. So my question is, when it comes down to dating and getting to know someone, are there do’s and don’ts that you guys follow or recommend? How do you feel about someone asking you for a gift that you’re getting to know?
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Hey T,
Thanks for being a longtime supporter of the site (both of them), even though we know the site is popular we sometimes feel like we’re blogging in a bubble until we get affirmative letters like this from you!
As for your dilemma, don’t think too much about it. You’ve only been dating for a couple weeks so the pressure isn’t too high at this point. I’m sure you really like this guy so far, otherwise this problem wouldn’t have prompted you to ask for advice. However, there’s no guarantee that you’ll still be seeing him a month from now. If this were to happen, you’ll likely find someone else so who cares about making others happy. This brings me to the solution to your problem. If he’s also in college, he should understand the money crunch…if he’s older and out of college he should also understand that a young college student can’t afford to buy an Xbox One for a guy he met only 2 weeks ago.
You didn’t say how old the guy is but there’s no reason that you can’t get creative and get him something cheap that is tailored to his own interests (or your perception of his interests). You could even make something from scratch that is personalized and more memorable than a store bought gift. The internet is full of websites offering cheap/free gift ideas. Obviously, this “free” gift shouldn’t include sex…save that gift for after you’ve been dating for a while longer, LOL
Good Luck and feel free to email us and comment on the site in the future!
Nick D
Trust me you will have plenty of opportunities if your relationships develops further to present each other with gifts. I say go with Nick’s advice and think of something creative…I say something cultural, give him a gift for the mind.
I agree with what Nick said. I think at the end of the day that if the guy is BEGGING for a gift then that’s an issue. But if the guy is not asking for a gift so hard then just surprise him with something small showing that he knows you put a lot of thought into what you got him.
You can be cheap and impressive at the same time. Somewhere between Big Lots, Dollar Tree and Pinterest, you can come up with a lot of small tokens.
Does he drink coffee? Go get $5-10 coffee shop gift card. Put it in a mug from Dollar Tree. Fill the mug with some wrapped candies. Wrap with cellophane. Place mug in a gift box and you are done.
Does he workout? Go to TJMaxx or Masrhall’s and pick up an insulated water bottle. Again, gift bag from Dollar Tree. Filling it with candy is optional.
Basically, any cheap/affordable gift can be presented well and the presentation usually will be the memorable thing over the fact that the cost of the gift wasn’t much.
It really is the thought that counts.
Considering the length of the relationship, I wouldn’t break the bank here. $25 max for gift, card, and wrapping.
Also, we are close to Christmas, if your relationship lasts to that time, I’d put up a little larger of a budget again, I wouldn’t break the bank here either. In fact, I think if you wanted to, just bring it up in early December…
“Hey, would you like to exchange gifts? Let’s set a limit of X.” And that way, there’s not pressure to go beyond your budget and they know what level to expect on the gift.
Yikes two weeks and already asking for a gift?
Yeah i would give them something like itunes or google play store gift card.
Or maybe something a little nice for the winter like a sweater or gloves or beanie since he lives in NY.
But two weeks? For some reason that is just bothering me. lol
Homeboy would get something from Macys, on clearance, during Friends & Family when I get that 25% off plus my 20% Employee Discount, so that I’m comin out that situation paying literally .01’s on the dollar. Dudes got some big azz bull ballz nowadays. I’ve NEVER asked ANYONE for a gift after ANY amount of time, my man. I mean, to each his own, but to me this is a bit much. Get homeboy a Starbucks Gift Card for $10 and call it a f#%kin day. smh
Yeah. I have never asked any potential or BF for anything. I’ll let you know when my birthday is if you ask me, but I’m not the type to advertise it. If you feel like getting me something, great. If you ask me what I’m doing, great. If you say “I’d like to ______ for your birthday.” Great.
But I’m not going to say “Bring me a present” or anything that implies that I expect anything.
My answer was based on the thought that maybe this birthday guy was young and just didn’t know any better.
“You could even make something from scratch that is personalized and more memorable than a store bought gift”
This is an underrated idea. My favorite birthday presents,that I still have from years ago,were hand-made
The bottom line is cheap!
Not just becus ur a student, but more importantly, becus it hasn’t been long enough for u to be runnin up the little bit of space u have on those credit cards I know they convinced u to sign up for down in the student union! Lol. But for real, 2 wks isn’t long enough to expect something, let alone, have the audacity to ask for it.
Sorry but what kind of guy, actually, ask for a gift after two weeks. I mean, my best wishes to this guy but if the gift he gets to that other guy is not apreciated, that’s the sign to get away.
Honestly, who expects a gift? Especially after just two weeks. Just spend the day or evening with him. That should be gift enough.
Something about the fact that the guy asked for a gift instead of allowing things to progress organically and giving you the opportunity to do something for his birthday if you wanted to–without his prompting, is off to me. He took the possibility for you to do something out of the kindness of your heart and now whatever you do will be totally linked to his asking.
If you didn’t plan to do something, you’d be within your rights for someone that you met two weeks ago. Although, if you do like him, it would be nice to do a phone call…and maybe dinner or a movie. Something commensurate to the short period of time you’ve known each other.
You can keep getting to know him, but I would red flag this guy. It would be different if it was around Christmas and he wanted to confirm whether or not you two would be exchanging gifts, but he sounds like he could either be and opportunist or spoiled–something you’d have to deal with throughout the course of dating him.
I’ve tried to think of ways that his request isn’t so bad, but I can’t think of one. Asking for gifts just isn’t a good look…especially under the circumstances.
I don’t necessarily have a huge problem with the guy asking for a gift at 2 weeks, it could be the dude just wanting a display of affection from his crush (which occurs pretty frequently especially with younger guys, wanting to play married after a couple weeks of romance). My concerns would be exactly how he went about asking for this gift, and what kind of gift he expects. Cause if he wants some jewelry after just two weeks, your golddigger sensors should all be firing off. But if he’s just looking for a token of affection, maybe something homemade (as was suggested in the article), then it can be very sweet.
I would recommend picking something that tells him you’ve been listening to and learning about him. A gift that while small, would work well for him specifically. Aside from the possibility of this guy just being all about the dude’s cash and not much else, he probably wants something that says “I care about you”.
It is rude and inappropriate to ask for a gift.. in any circumstance. If you REALLY like this guy, here is my 2 recommendatiosn:
1) You were planning on getting him something anyway, so just continue with your plan. It’s the thought that matters.
2)Keep this incident in the front of your memory banks. You may, or may not, begin to notice patterns that will make you decide to keep it going with him, or end it. You are in the getting to know you phase… no need to rush. If it works out, great! If it doesn’t, also great.