Over the years, I’ve been in debates, classroom discussions, face-to-face arguments, and submitted enough online comments on a few blogs and web forums regarding the existence of bisexuality. I’ve argued on the side of the affirmative because I believe that it does. The question of its existence often gets asked and personally, I simply don’t see why some people have a problem with it. After nearly 10 years of active debate and argument on this one issue, I’m beginning to grow a bit weary of hearing the same rhetoric and baseless arguments which people in both the straight and surprisingly, the LGBT communities like to present. So here’s my final position on the issue, with the hope that I won’t have to revisit it again. My mind is firmly set and I’ll always maintain this position.
Before I begin, first this fact needs to be noted: People are who they are; with each person having his or her own unique, if not often strange, attractions and desires, sexual or otherwise. I say, let people be who they are and fuck the damn labels!
Bisexuality isn’t a myth. Bisexuality is a legitimate sexual and emotional identity. Being bisexual is not the same as some straight or gay person being “bi-curious”, which entails persons who choose to sexually experiment with someone of their opposite or same gender “for the moment”, or because a situation presents itself which would allow two or more people to fuck whomever they’re with… as in the case of a threesome or group sex/sex party. I call such people “situational bisexuals” because their behavior gives TRUE bisexuality a bad name.
Bisexuality is much deeper than so-called bi-curiosity or situational bisexuality because as with heterosexuality and homosexuality, there are real emotional attractions and feelings involved.
In recent years, doctors, psychiatrists and researchers had found undisputed evidence of the existence of bisexuality. Their findings have been reported and posted in medical journals, newspapers, and online media across the globe. If you want to read more pros (and cons) regarding bisexuality, all you need do is conduct an online search as there are many websites devoted to the topic of bisexuality.
Attraction and Desire
Attraction and desire are not synonymous terms. We all see things we find attractive or which we may be attracted to, yet don’t necessarily want or need. The object of attraction is simply appealing to the eye. We all see things we desire. Desire, unlike attraction, implies want and sometimes need. Attraction usually enhances the desire of what we want. The two complement each other however. In some cases, having a desire for something does not always mean one is attracted to it. For example, one may want or have a desire for an object but not be attracted to it; he/she simply desires to have it for the means or reason of just owning or using it for some purpose. The Facebook friends list is a perfect example of this kind of desire. There are hundreds of people who confirm “friend requests” all the time, yet are not in any way attracted to the person whose request they just approved. Some on Facebook like the idea of having more “friends” on their list than some of their own REAL-world relatives or friends who also use Facebook. Oddly, such people may feel that having such a large list gives them a sense of belonging or even power. In reality, there is no possible way one person is going to be attracted (I’m talking physically) to each of the hundreds of people on his/her friends list. Furthermore, it’s highly unlikely that a person with such a large friends list is ever going to personally meet them all.
The bisexual person is aware that he/she is; that they exist as a bisexual person. As such, bisexual people know that they are or can be, attracted to members of both the male and female gender on an emotional, physical and sexual level in much the same way as any heterosexual or homosexual person. I cannot tell you how often I’ve heard some people, both straight and gay – say or have argued against the existence of bisexuality. They would say, “no one is bisexual”, or “bisexuality doesn’t really exist”, or “being bi is impossible”.
Their arguments also maintain that anyone who claims to be bisexual must be confused about their sexuality and/or attractions; or such persons are lying or in denial about their true sexual orientation”. I recall one person on a blog recently commenting that people are either “bisexual gay” or “bisexual straight”, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
So here’s the REAL deal: bisexuals are NOT “confused” about their sexual identity or sexual orientation. Neither is a bisexual person “lying” or “in denial” about who he or she is, or what they like or are attracted to sexually. Also, I’ve argued time and again, that the frequency in which a bisexual person has such physical attractions and desires and even sex with either gender, is irrelevant. A bisexual person is guided by his or her emotional and physical attractions and desires in much the same way any heterosexual or homosexual person is attracted to someone, except in the case of the bisexual person, such an attraction may fall on either male or female, not just one specific gender.
The bisexual person falls under a separate sexual DNA orientation. Bisexuals are neither completely heterosexual nor completely homosexual. They are living examples of the gray areas or fluidity that exists in sexuality. Straight and gay people need to stop trying to reject or ignore the existence of bisexuality. They also need to stop placing bisexual people under the same label and sexual orientation umbrellas as themselves, simply to assuage their own limited understanding of bisexuality.
Frankly, I find it appalling, if not downright hypocritical, for any gay person to declare with so-called certainty and based only on their closed-minded “expert opinions”, that there is no one who is truly bisexual. How quickly some in the LGBT community seem to forget that for generations (long before the majority of people reading this were born), that there were many people, including some medical doctors, psychiatrists and religious leaders who years ago (as some do now), challenged the very existence of homosexuality.
They said, “Homosexuality is considered to be a choice and a lifestyle by some people”, adding that: “it is simply unnatural for anyone to be a homosexual, for it opposes the grand design of God and Nature”. They also said they don’t believe anyone can be born gay or can have same-sex attractions and desires. There are people today who still believe as their forefathers and who continue to promote and preach that everyone is born heterosexual…”just as God intended”.
Now you can understand that whenever I hear someone, particularly a gay person, express doubts and objections to the existence of bisexuality, I have to take a stand, as I know well the history of bigotry in this country and throughout the world. I’m willing to give the same argument of similar historical fact regarding the beliefs about homosexuality when it comes to defending the existence of bisexuality.
It’s Not Your Sexuality; How Could You Ever Understand?
People who are not bisexual would not understand the attractions and desires or the thought processes, emotions and feelings of a bisexual person any more than those who are heterosexual could ever understand those of a homosexual. No one is an expert on the sexuality of another person, particularly since sexuality, human or otherwise is – as stated before – fluid…on so many levels!
With this argument, and history on my side, need I say more about the existence of bisexuality? I said it earlier but it bears repeating: People are who they are; with each person having his or her own unique, if not often strange, attractions and desires, sexual or otherwise. Let people be who they are and fuck the damn labels!
Keepin’ It…REAL!
He hosts the radio show, “Saturday Afternoon at the Oldies (SAO) w/The RobFather” on WTLZ-FM/KISS 107.1 which airs Saturdays, 12pm to 3pm.
The show, now in its fifth year of broadcast, features three hours of the best in classic and “old school” R&B music from the late 1960’s to the late 1990’s.
Check his blog out at http://robfatherxkeepinitreal.com/
I read your “opinion” with an open mind, yet it still doesn’t change my mind about supposed ‘bisexuals”. I view “bisexuals” as I view believers in “jesus, jehovah and/or muhammad “. I pity them, yet respect their boundaries.
I no longer feel compelled to argue ad nauseum about an issue that neither side can definitively prove or disprove. Instead, I’ll simply accept the fact that “some” people will consider themselves “bisexual”, and I’ll keep it moving. As long as he lets me tap that ass, I don’t care what label he places on himself.
….. but I certainly won’t be taking him seriously beyond a first date or sex session. JMO
Thank you Ocky and Nick for publishing another blog article of mine. I greatly appreciate it! I know there are – and will continue to be, readers here and people everywhere who refuse to believe in the existence of bisexuality. That’s fine. In fact, I was inspired to write my article on because of the argument first presented In Discreet City last year! I maintain that it is always difficult to convince people of the existence of something if those people are NOT that thing or who have never had some involvement or direct personal experience with that particular thing. Just as there are people who do not believe that people can be born homosexual, so it is with people who do not believe that people can be born bisexual (or even asexual). It makes me shake my head. I will always have a problem respecting any gay or lesbian person who feels they can fight and argue that they were born with their particular sexual orientation but yet will deny and argue against the same for those people born bisexual. It is illogical to deny the existence of something simply because you have no feeling or experience with it. No natural sexual orientation is a “preference” or “chosen” one; although there are people who can or who sometimes choose to engage in or practice certain sexual acts outside their natural sexual orientation. As noted in my article, sexuality is fluid. Any heterosexual or homosexual person who denies the existence of bisexuality is also denying the existence of sexual fluidity. Such limited thinking is, for example, akin to those people who [once] believed that Black people – or any people of color, are – or seem, less than human than those who are White. I have found that many bisexual people are seemingly the only ones in the LGBT community who obviously will never argue sexual fluidity. On that note, many bisexual people also do not like labeling themselves anymore than someone else. Still, it is unfortunate that there are gay people, particularly those who are Black, who remain stubborn in their thinking against bisexuality. The words of my article stand and my argument on this issue shall continue.
Rob, EXCELLENT article!!! You’ve actually changed my opinion!! AWESOME job man!
I am trying to wrap my ahead around the logic and understanding of those who say bisexuality does not exist. They speak of bisexuality as if it is some cryptic creature like the Loch Ness monster or Bigfoot.
Human sexuality is very fluid. Just because I am not heterosexual or bisexual and I cannot fully relate to their sexuality being desires, that doesn’t mean therefore they must not exist.
Many heterosexuals believe homosexuality is a choice, its abnormal and unnatural; even though homosexuality exists in countless animal species in nature. Guess what…so does bisexuality. So basically we humans need to tell the animals they need to “pick a side” and stick to it? Come on.
I do feel that many gays who reject the notion of bisexuality are envious because there is a sexual experience they are not able to fully indulge in.
I still don’t understand how this is even an issue or topic of discussion. The question of “does bisexuality exists?” to me is like asking “is water wet?”
It’s extremely difficult for me to conceive of someone telling another person their sexuality “doesn’t exist” but here we are. smh
Side note…bigfoot is real and fuk you bigfoot haters.
I gather from reading this that life for bisexuals would be much better if society were to rid itself of stigmatizing labels which have great potential for psychological damage. I have often opined that people who don’t want to be labeled “GAY” choose to be called bisexual to lessen the stigmatization of sexual orientation ostracizing due to being labeled gay. Bisexuals prefer to be labeled by a name that is more palatable to the majority heterosexual population. I believe there are people who are genuinely authentic bisexuals. If bisexuality is an apical categorization defining sexuality, then homosexuality is a derivation thereof, because, by definition, in order for you to be considered GAY you would have to have had sex with someone of the same gender. The stigma rises from the notion that heterosexuality is the norm by which all other forms of sexual orientation are measured. Thus, any other type of sexual expression among consenting adults, other than heterosexuality, is depicted as abnormal, or less desired. Bisexuals use the label “bisexuality” as a political tool of compromise to appease those who are opposed to the practice of exclusive homosexuality.
You cannot control the sexual practices of consenting adults. I say, “To each his own!” Regardless to whom one is sleeping with it isn’t anyone’s business but the parties involved. Certainly we need to move pass labels that malign and demonize as it does more harm than good and tend to hinder a citizen’s right to freedom, justice, equality, and the pursuit of happiness. More often than not, stereotypical labels are carriers of hurt, pain, and can be emotionally debilitating over time.
I truly believe in the existence of bisexuality, and I agree that the core essence of sexuality is fluid. BUT, also believe the definition of bisexuality has been diluted, by it being falsely used as a transitional crutch by far too many within the Gay/Lesbian community.
IMO, finding a TRUE bisexual, is practically on the equivalent of finding a rare Poke’mon. Which basically translates to, the majority individuals who claim to be bisexual.. are far from it. To often, you have countless men (and women) who label themselves as bisexual, but 9 out of 10.. they overwhelmingly prefer the same-sex. I’ve lost count of how many fellas I’ve encountered, who DECLARE that they are truly bisexual.. but haven’t touched a vagina since birth.
Because of this, so many authentic bisexual men and women, have been smothered by the countless imposters who falsely use the label of bisexuality to claim the Heterosexual American Dream. So you can’t be shocked (nor surprised), when folks are conflicted by the use of bisexuality, since their are so many fakes claiming to be bisexual (aka half of the users on A4A, BGC, Jack’d, etc..)
Regardless, I would advise everyone to take a peek at the Kinsey Scale (if you haven’t already).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
After reviewing, would you agree that
– Most Bisexuals would fall under a 3
– Most Gay/Lesbian Individuals would fall under a 5
– Most Heterosexuals would fall under a 1
Very clear and detailed article..not sure why this topic is still going on but not all of us will or can be totally gay..sexuality is a spectrum in itself and where you fall is clearly what you are…I never could get it up with girls so why waste my time and theirs or even lie to them.
“I recall one person on a blog recently commenting that people are either “bisexual gay” or “bisexual straight”, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.”
This was most likely me. I haven’t encountered anyone whose explanation of bisexuality is as lucid.
Take a look at the wikipedia page, and see if my explanation doesn’t make much more sense, given the facts, than the screed expounded by bisexual-deniers and bisexual-insisters all over the place…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality
My argument is that people are either gay or straight biologically, but life experience can allow them to experience the fullness of sexual intercourse as bisexual. By this, I mean that it’s equally possible for every member of the human race to be bisexual, assuming they are open to experimentation, or by chance have a series of experiences that lead them to some successful encounters outside their sexual preference.
Thus, a person can consider themselves a bisexual straight or a bisexual gay, but not an unqualified bisexual. I argue that it’s entirely possible for anyone to have a meaningful, deep relationship with a person of any sex, though their sexual preference, a biological imperative, pushes them strongly in one direction.
To date, there has been no conclusive research as to the existence of “true bisexuals.” Thus far, science has only proved that it’s possible for a person to find both sexes attractive. The biggest study in recent days was in pupil dilation. But the fact of the matter is that most gay men’s eyes dilate at the site of a sexy woman, regardless of how much he wants to bang her. That doesn’t prove “true bisexuals” exist. It only proves that some people are more open to the possibility of sex outside their preference than others.
I’ve met a lot of people claiming to be “true bisexuals.” In fact, I sought them out, as I describe myself as bisexual. (Bisexual gay, in fact.) But it’s obvious by their behavior that each and every “bisexual” knows where their bread is buttered. If we were to set aside the bisexual’s need to prove that they are capable of loving both sexes, I think they’d all be able to admit that they do definitely prefer one sex to the other. And there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?
July 5, 2005 an article in the New York Times, “Gay, Straight or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited” is required reading on this matter.
However, there are two points I’d like to make. First, on the political side bisexuality unfortunately mitigates the LGBT communities argument for fairness, excuse my crudeness but “half a faggot is better than a whole one.” which brings me to my second point of sexuality. We’ve ignored Freud and Kinsey psychologists who did ground breaking research on sex.
And for my own disclaimer … this is my first time writing on a blog. There’s a lot more I want to say, but don’t know if I have the space.
i am surprised that this is an issue. Clearly bisexuality is real. Sexuality is a spectrum. We all have a right to express how we feel. This may sound controversial but from my experience i believe gay men should just see bisexual guys as a matter of fun. It is useless to expect anyting serious from a bisexual men. Outside of their rules and crazy behaviour, they are all about what they want and their needs. One thing which is universial when it comes to bisexuals is that no matter what he will always choose a woman.
Human sexuality can be so fluid and complex that the sexual attraction to the same and opposite sex cannot be summarily dismissed as a myth. Yet, I think it is relatively rare to be attracted to and express that attraction (in relatinships and lifestyle) to both sexes in 50-50 equal parts that a strict interpretation of the term bisexual would demand. Yet, even if a person is attracted to same sex 70% of the time and the opposite 30% of the time it does not mean the lesser attraction (from a quanitative time spent stand point) is not a valid important and even defining aspect of their sexuality. Maybe, if same sex attraction was as totally normalized in society as opposite sex attraction is, with homosexual desire having full parity with heterosexuality, bisexuality could be trully expressed in our society. In other words, any societal prohibitions (homophobia or heterosexism) is going to complicate any full unfettered expression of bisexuality that is anywhere near the 50-50 expression of bisexually that woud help dissolve any cultural perception that bisexuality is myth.
Great discussion, one that will go on and on for years to come, no doubt. The reason I believe that bisexuality is denied by some people, esp. some homosexuals, is that in their experience they have come across other men who out of fear and self-hatred are genuinely confused and conflicted men about their true sexuality. Yes, some of these men ARE in denial. That’s not to say that all men who say they’re bisexual are just 1 step away from denying (falsely) any attraction to other men at all, but we know that hypocrites do exist out there.
I don’t need this article. I enjoyed reading it, but I don’t need it. Why? Because I already know for a fact that bisexuality and bisexuals exist. I’m not entirely sure yet…but I may be one of them. Although I am predominantly attracted to other men, physically, sexually, and emotionally (I see myself marrying another man), I often find myself attracted to certain women…to the point where I’m sure I would enjoy them sexually. Thy have to be beautiful to me, of course, which might be superficial, but if they are, I’m sure I could be with them. The relationship may not last long, but I’d probably enjoy their company. This has me wondering if I’m only sexually attracted to some women or if that attraction could extend into the emotional/psychological realm. I wouldn’t know. I just know that I find some women absolutely beautiful and very endearing in many ways. I may not be a “true bisexual”, but I’ve experienced enough strong sexual attractions to certain women to know that it simply *has* to exist among others. Mike Stop Continues might be explaining me *perfectly*. It can be quite confusing. 🙁
But I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that bisexuality and bisexual people don’t exist. They do. I also know that even though they are attracted to both sexes, they do have the ability to enter into a committed relationship with a person of either gender and remain faithful and monogamous to them. So if I met a bisexual guy, I would not write him off and reject him as a potential partner. I accept them.
You are correct. You are not confused. You are attracted to women, but that is not your orientation. Your true orientation is HOMOSEXUALITY. Attraction is different from orientation. Many people are ATTRACTED to the SAME SEX but they do not act on it. It’s like it’s a passing thought. What I have found out about LIFE and SEX is that if the right person comes along and you have an attraction for them – WHETHER IT BE SAME SEX, or OPPOSITE SEX ATTRACTION. there’s a good possibility to end up with all of your clothes off. Many people’s conscious bothers them. I know when I first actually started have sex with men I had a guilt complex. It’s a weird feeling. But I know where it stems from. Years of making me feel guilty about who I am, but not in a personal type way, but more so in a blanket type “homosexuality is wrong” type of way. If you told it is wrong from early on you will begin to believe the LIE.
Hope you find love with a SOULMATE in a committed, positive and socially, rewarding relationship.
You made an excellent point. Thanks for adding to the discussion on one of the more complex of topics.
I know bisexuality exists. One of my closest friends is a bisexual female. I think the problem is that bisexuality is too often misappropriated by gay and lesbians who don’t want fully come out and by straight women and men who just want a fling or to “experiment” (when did we become chemistry sets??). I believe true bisexual men and women don’t identify as such. Just as gays claim bisexuality, bisexuals claim to be straight. The lack of visibility and the identity misappropriation is the reason why bisexuality is so misunderstood.
And I absolutely believe that we need labels. How are we to understand our world and each other without them? If labels weren’t important then Merriam-Webster wouldn’t be making money. We need to stop fighting labels and start fighting their definitions and connotations. I think we need more labels because what we have now might not be descriptive enough.
As if all these damn labels and categories aren’t enough, there’s a list of quantifiers and criteria(and apparently scientific/ statistical data) that come along with them. Human sexuality is a lot more complex than we allow our paradigms to account for. I’ve had sex with both males and females and enjoy both. Relationship wise, I’m more partial to locking it down with another dude at this point. Will that kill my desire for having sex with a female? Who knows. What does that make me? Human. Check your own boxes, son. I’m good.