I Want Sex. My Husband Doesn’t. We’ve Hit a Dry Spell

By OckyDub | Posted May 17 2016 | 6 Comments  


Hey Cypher Ave Fam,

So I recently been experiencing a dilemma in my relationship/marriage. We hit a dry spell and I can’t figure out what the problem is, although we are both markedly busier. We’ve always been busy and had full schedules but that never stopped us from getting it in. For the last month, I have been casually mentioning to my husband that we haven’t done the deed or any deed for that matter in a little minute. He generally acknowledged my issue but nothing happened to remedy the issue, which is the lack of sexy time affection. I don’t know if I should be concerned about it or just chuck it up to timing and poor scheduling. My husband is the type of man who has to be perfectly cleaned out/up before he wants to get dirty. I’m a “anytime (morning preferred) sex” kind a person. This is the first time in 5 years that I feel like I’m basically having to beg just to get some head. Am I just freaking out for no reason because I am horny or should I be worried? It’s going past the 40 day mark with our dry spell.  

Dear Kalahari Desert,

Let me start with what I think are the basics.

I think it’s normal after 5 years or within some long term relationships for sex and intimacy to diminish. I’ve heard and read similar stories to the point where I feel that during this (short) period of time, one should use it to sexually refocus and reevaluate. This shouldn’t in no way be viewed as a negative.

Periodically I feel we need to take a step back, examine and analyze all aspect of our current state to course correct and or evolve if needed.

In this scenario, do I think your partner or husband is cheating on you? No.

Are there possible added or new stresses that have recently taken place in your relationship; for instance, a move, starting a new job on his part and maneuvering a new or different work load and or work environment dynamics?

Are there any new medical issues that could have or are causing his libido to decrease?

These are some of the basics that initially stood out to me when reading. Now let’s lift the more heavy weights.

Trust and communication are pillars of any type of successful relationship. One half of the relationship doesn’t have the option of NOT discussing a problem their partner is having concerning the relationship….THAT THEY ARE A PART OF. 

Because you both have busy schedules, make time within the next 48 hours to set aside a minimum of 30 minutes and force the conversation. That conversation should go something like…

Hey Ricardo, (I’m feeling Latin for some reason) I have something very important to talk about concerning our sexy time maritals. What’s happened in the last couple of weeks that have you sexually detached from me?” Of course word it however you want but the conversation has to start. The sooner the better.

Something else I want to point out and that’s the top/bottom sexual position situation. 

As with many men; sometimes our penis and libido can be at their peak in the morning. However regardless of gender or sexuality, our metabolisms and natural digestive body functions slow down when we sleep but they don’t shut off. Meaning, many people have to go number 1 and 2 when they wake up in the morning. If he’s the predominate bottom who likes everything clean, morning sex (although it may have happened in the past) may now be a hassle and a no-no from his perspective at this current point.

Another thing is what if he’s just tired of being penetrated? That doesn’t mean he now wants to top, it could be he’s just no longer impressed with being penetrated. Think about it. Why does male on male sex have to always or the majority of the time equal penetrative intercourse? This is something I think needs to be reevaluated.

There are other activities that can be done instead, such as:

*Mutual masturbation.
*Oral sex stimulation.
*Rubbing penises together (frontal humping stimulation).
*Rubbing your penis on his buttocks (posterior humping stimulation).
*Intercrural sex (crura is Latin for “legs”, also known as femoral/interfemoral   intercourse), in which a male places his penis between the receiving partner’s thighs and thrusts to create stimulation. This can be done from the anterior or posterior (front or back).

Many times we think of foreplay as anything done before sexual penetrative intercourse but what about pre-foreplay like massage or tantric massage? Or what about non-receptive (not the best term, I know) intimacy and sensuality; meaning you massage him which can turn into you stimulating your partner orally or jacking him off and letting him relax and enjoy the after climax ambiance. Even though one person is doing the performing and the other is receiving, this could still provide the “doer” with some satisfaction knowing that he is pleasing his partner. To top if off, when finished, how about then running him a bath and having a cocktail ready so he can get his ultimate relax on? Not only will he appreciate this, but if he is a receptive reciprocating dude, he will already be thinking about doing the same thing or something similar for you in the future or in the next coming days.

I also must suggest a date/sex night? Even though this is cliché, it does work for many couples with busy schedules. Date night is the night to laugh, enjoy each other’s company and its understood that sexual intimacy or sexual gratification is a requirement and will take place. Now some may feel like this is forced or a seems like a chore. Being honest, in a way it is; nonetheless it’s the mindset beyond it that should supersede.

Fuck the spontaneity…if it’s known “tonight we fucking”, why not flirtatiously bring it up and talk about the sexual or intimate things you want to do to your partner or what you would like done to you, as a way to build anticipation? Hell…you may not have to wait for “tonight”, that may be enough to get the party started right then.

All of what I’m suggesting or putting out there are ideas to jump start and reignite marital-sexy-time. If there is something more serious medically or mentally, of course that’s a different conversation but the issues can’t be discovered and resolved unless a conversation happens first. Putting things in perspective, 30 to 40 days without sex, is a small bump in the road in a 5 year plus relationship. I hope this helps.

I know others (myself included) have experienced the same or similar instances in their long term relationships. Let us collectively provide feedback, testimony and suggestions to help our brother and his marriage.

How did you handle your comparable situation and even if you’ve never been in a long term relationship (on the outside looking in) what are your thoughts and how would you anticipate handling a parallel situation if it was to happen to you in the future?





About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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6 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | May 19th, 2016

    Where are the replies to this thread at? Opinions? Sheesh…

    I have been in this situation. I can say it's possible that it could be a number of things.

    Sometimes, a lack of sex truly is just a matter of bad/unfortunate timing. Work schedules not working out with bathtime or sexy time schedules. Say, if it's been a lot of long days at the office then a weekend of activities and festivals then finally you two make it home and all you want to do is eat, shower and sleep. Now it's Sunday and you've got to wash the car, wash clothes, get ready for the work week ahead, and catch up on school, etc. This is possible.

    He could feel a little self conscious about his body. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that body image issues go away. Something could have triggered it that you have never considered. "Am I too skinny/thick/fat?" We can sometimes get trapped in our own prisons over how we look. It may take a minute to get out of the funk. Compliment you dude on what you like about his body if you haven't in a minute.

    Too much mastering of the domain. Because your body still wants to orgasm, either of you could be jacking off since neither of you are having sex, you are diminishing two libidos. Cut it out. Eventually that build up will get to the both of you

    He could be dealing with something internally that has taken the libido away. Recent death or anniversary of one, work, school, finances, etc.

    And it could be a combination of any of these things. I definitely wouldn't say it means there's another person causing it but I have experienced all of these. As mentioned, it's a small blip and eventually things will get back on track.

    To spark things up,try showering together, sleeping naked or with easily removable/loose fitting shorts. This can facilitate some touching and grabbing and grinding when you wake up at 2:46 am to pee. That's definitely the time when if I was sleeping, you wake me up I'm game for getting it in. If something flops out of the shorts, I'm going to grab it.

    Just taking it. Like come up from behind and start kissing the dude. Y'all is marriedt naw! It's just like those claw foot tub erectile dysfunction commercials: sex can be spontaneous.

    Get some build up. If both parties have been tired, maybe just cater to your dude. Rub his feet, shave his face, give him a full body massage. Doing some intimate things can lead to sex all the time.

    I'm not really a drinker but I'll have a cocktail or two and that will probably put me where I'm open to do some thangs. Alcohol can grease the wheels for most people.

    Most importantly talk it out.

    Sometimes you just have to ask questions. And usually it's explained, you'll understand, and Y'all can work it out.

    For me, I don't need penetration. I just need the orgasm. Call it lazy or whatever. I just wanna feel good. So, we can break each other's backs out, mutual jack off, sword fight, have a felatio session… I'm good.

    As mentioned, if you tell me that we phucking tonight as I'm walking out the door to work… ohhhhhhhhh sshhhiiiiiitttt! That is all I will be thinking about all. day. long. I just don't want it to be every Friday night at 11:22 PM. That's boring. I'll take it but I do like it when things are not so clockwork.

  2. BlackguyExecutive
    BlackguyExecutive | May 19th, 2016

    I am over here like…

    I have found that scheduling is not a bad thing particularly, if time is an issue. I recently started sharing my google calendar and I just noticed a few things my husband has started doing, not only putting down rendezvous on the calendar but setting up push notifications to my phone with sexy and sometimes freaky messages as reminders. I found myself giggling in a meeting when I checked my phone and the person sitting next to me was like what's so funny….

  3. OckyDub
    Ockydub | May 19th, 2016

    Cosign @ControlledXaos

  4. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 19th, 2016

    Everything sounds good. The only thing is that old thing about 'you' statements. Instead of 'you have pulled away from me' maybe 'I feel like…' instead so there is less chance of putting them on the defensive as if you are accusing them of being a problem.

    Also sometimes something is going on that takes some time to be worked out, and sometimes it just takes patience. If you really care about someone you can forego sex for a while until it is worked out-as long as you have discussed it and know what the problem is and it will get resolved eventually. Knowing what is going on can help with that-you are not wondering and creating scenarios in your head-knowledge once again is power.

    *Also maybe your lives have just gotten too complicated and 'full' of 'stuff' and you may need to prune out some of the stuff that is not absolutely necessary so there is time and energy for a lovelife.

  5. takeyourmeds91
    takeyourmeds91 | May 19th, 2016

    BlackguyExecutiveI have found that scheduling is not a bad thing particularly, if time is an issue. I recently started sharing my google calendar and I just noticed a few things my husband has started doing, not only putting down rendezvous on the calendar but setting up push notifications to my phone with sexy and sometimes freaky messages as reminders. I found myself giggling in a meeting when I checked my phone and the person sitting next to me was like what's so funny….

    I'm not a fan of scheduled sex because you just never know how the day is going to turn out but that's hot. I'd love to see something unexpected like that from my dude. That's the best way to do that without it feeling like a chore.

    All advice from others has been golden. I will say open communication without accusation is key. For me personally, if we can discuss some things and you make me feel like you truly understand where I'm coming from, you can move mountains. We don't have to agree but bridging that gap in understanding is powerful.

    P.S. Yall are some good lovers***

  6. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | May 20th, 2016

    What's the point of a relationship if you're not having sex or sexual intimacy? I can (and do) masturbate while single…

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