Now that Cuffin’ Season 2015 is upon us, its time for the single gay men of the world to get booed up for these cold winter months. But how much are you willing to spend to find him?
Before you can get to the point where you can ‘Netflix and Chill’ with a dude (aka pretend to watch a movie and instead have sex a third of the way through), you must meet one another in a public place at least one time. Historically, this meeting has been called a Date. As we all know, gay men are VERY afraid of this word, instead they like to say they’re “just hanging out.”
Even if you just meet in a parking lot to talk and get to know one another, that’s a date!
The question is, however, how much should you spend on a First Date?
Recently I got into a heated debate with a black gay man from D.C. who said that spending $200 on a first date is not only average, it’s on the low end.
Then I read this article on the topic posted by a heterosexual black man on SingleBlackMale.org:
If you want to date in a major city, be prepared to spend a pretty penny. Don’t let money control your decisions on the date. The way to be a gentleman is to figure out what she wants out of a date and do that. Don’t worry about the cost. Again, if you’re worried about the cost, you shouldn’t be dating. They say, “if you don’t got it, you don’t got it” for a reason.
When an article was published that stated the average man in DC spends $177 on a date, I thought to myself, “Sounds about right.” I did some quick math with a friend of mine.
Dinner for 2 at Oya followed by some fun activities in Chinatown DC:
Pre-dinner drinks: $10 x 2 = $20
Appetizers, entrees an dessert: $50 x 2 = $100
Drinks during dinner: $20 x 2 = $40
Fun and games at Penn Social (a bar with arcade games): $60
UberX the two of you home: $30
Total Cost: $250I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that a man really doesn’t have to do all that on a first date. And you’re right, you don’t. The problem is, I will. It’s not just about me; it’s that other men will do that too. They will put their all into a date to make a woman feel special. Men are competitively raising the bar every day to separate themselves from the pack.
Personally, there’s no way that I’m spending $200-$250 on a FIRST DATE with a guy that I just met. I don’t care how many other suitors he has that would do that and more. It’s not about the money, its about… You know what, fuck that…it IS about the money. Spending $200 to wine and dine a dude that I might not even want a SECOND date with is insane.
Secondly, does that total imply that I’m paying for everything? Granted, the above calculations were made by a heterosexual man taking a woman out on the town. So it (sorta) makes sense that he would pay her way. As a gay man, I don’t follow those heteronormative customs.
I can’t imagine another dude paying for everything on a first date with me, I wouldn’t feel comfortable about that as a man…or even vice versa. I’m not treating you when I don’t even know you.
If we’re going out, we’re dutch…or we’re alternating the costs. If I take care of the Movie Tickets, he always offers to buy the concession items. If I offer to pay for the dinner, he always offers to take care of the drinks.
I know there are some hot-bodied gay men out there seem to attract the Down Low Pro Athletes, the Down Low Musicians and the Down Low Preachers who have deep wallets and want to spoil them on a first date, but that ain’t me.
And we’re talking about a FIRST DATE!
Some of you might be calling me cheap…Yes, I am!
I’m also a casual dater. If I’m first dating upwards of 3-4 different people every other week, that’s over 2 stacks just to “get to know” some strangers that I’m not even having sex with yet.
Bruh, I live in Atlanta where there are TONS of great inexpensive things to do while determining if you two are a match.
Here’s my own calculations:
Dinner followed by dope conversation at a sports bar:
Entree: $25 x 1 = $25 (no appetizers and dessert for me, I don’t show up on a date starving)
Drink during dinner: $10 x 1 = $10
Head to a sports bar for drinks: $20
Total Cost: $55
Even multiplied by 2, that’s still less than $125.
And granted this may not sound like a very elaborate or romantic date, that’s because it’s not supposed to be. I’m not going out with Beyonce or Michelle Obama, I’m meeting up with another DUDE (that I barely know) for the first time. One that I may never see again afterward.
Here’s another one I’ve been known to use in my arsenal:
Lunch followed by dope conversation while browsing at a bookstore (yes, they still exist):
Lunch: $15 x 1 = $15
Dope convo walking around a bookstore (or mall) with coffee: $5
Total Cost: $20
First date. Simple. Ample time to talk and get to know one another. I could do this all day.
My theory is if you need to spend $250 to impress a dude enough to go out on a SECOND date with you, that says a lot about the lack of confidence you have in your personality, looks and quality of conversation.
Anyway, what are your thoughts?
How much would you spend on a first date with another gay man?
Who should pay the bill?
Since my first dates have usually been at a Applebee's, Chill's or some other chain restaurant. I usually spend $40-50 dollars. If there is a second, third date then of course ill spend more. This coming from a guy who ALWAYS pays for things on a date when guys actually want to go on one.
You know I had a conversation about this with my gay mentors and some of their gay friends. They felt that if the both of you are on a date and NOT arguing over who will pay the bill then the relationship will not last long. If you are both more than willing to show each other a good time and not worried about who will pay for dinner, etc then the relationship can become something.
I share the same sentiment as you @Nick Delmacy. There is no way on God's green earth that I will pay hundreds of dollars on a first date. No matter how much money I am making. I agree that a first date is all about the connection and conversation. I remember when a woman spoke about how she was shocked that her husband of now over 20 years invited her to a fast food restaurant for their first date. She was going to decline the invite initially but she opted to go. What her story and her experience told me is that the truth of the matter is that just because you spend a whole bunch of money on a date (first, second, etc) for anyone does not mean that you will have a spectacular time or even foster a strong connection. I honestly believe that is all just smoke and mirrors and really people just need to put all those distractions aside. The date should be about the connection made between two people to see what they have in common and not about how much money went into it.
Your thoughts @Nick Delmacy? @SB3? @Michael? @lyriq88? @KritiKal Analysis? @Naturally10Me?
I agree – and I live in Washington, where everything and everybody is hypercompetitive and it is all out of control. A first date is just that, a date. It could also be the last date. If the determining factor is how much you spend and who does the spending then it's not really about getting to know the guy and letting him get to know you, it's about your impressing him, and that's a whole differnt story. I can't help but think that once it becomes about the money being forked over, at least one person is not paying attention. I had a first date with a guy that involved nothng more than watching a Redskins game (and I loathe the Redskins) and chilling and talking. He walked away with a book from my bookshelf and my phone number and there was a whole lot more chilling and talking and even a few $250 evenings over the course of our off-again on-again 23 year relationship.
Great post,
The key phrase and objective of a first date is the get to know someone. As you already stated, getting to know someone costs little to no money and of course it's extraneous to spend hundreds of dollars on a person you don't know.If $250 is the equivalent of $25 to you then that's fine but some folks are out here trying to perpetrate…
I've had this kind of conservation with a straight female friend before and to her spending large amounts of money shows interest but to me it's an empty gesture. It's nice to have the PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW AND CARE ABOUT spend money on you every now and then but at the end of the day a total stranger spending money on me doesn't tell me anything about who they are.
I can get money, there is always someone wealthier, what makes YOU special or worthwhile? What about you can't I find in anyone else…like you said, why would you spend so much on a person you barely know? A smokescreen to distract from things you don't want people to notice about yourself?
All what that ni@@a @nick delmacy said. Nothing else to add.
I mean… we are both dudes on the same level. It's either we split just about even or you get dinner, I get entertainment.
As was said, I may not ever see you again, or if I do, it's going to be some odd run in at the gym, some social function, or Kroger. So why invest much? I'm not broke but $200 is significant enough that I can pay several bills. That's the price of a mid range Android phone, an iPod, a pair of Beats, 3 console video games….
No. Just no. I can see why someone can expect to get some if they are spending that much on a first date.
:sigh: Money, money, money. You know if you think about it, the result of the this topic is because of our own folly and obsession with money. So many black rappers, actors, singers, basically black culture emphasizing money as one of the holy trinity; the trinity being sex, money, and drugs. All I ever hear from black men is "get yo money" or "all about my money" or "money always on my mind"; the sayings go on and on. Honestly, its depressing, sad and sickening that something so fleeting and fickle has basically taken over everyone's mind. I could go on, but to answer your question I see everything as organic. If someone wants to pay more or pay for it all I don't see anything wrong with that if its something that THEY want to do; whether first date or not. I don't think the money matters if the experience is worth it and the one who has to deem whether it is or isn't is the individual. In the end money will come and go, that's a fact of life, so it shouldn't be the end all be all.
SPEAK!!! Honestly, a date shouldn't be about how much someone spends AT ALL! Subtract the drinks, food, and movie screen that places distraction. Do we vibe with nothing but conversation and nice tunes? Do I feel comfortable around you? THESE are things that really matter. Kudos.
:babylawd::babylawd::salute:
These numbers…. Man listen, I'm not even touching my wallet on the first date, I'm suppose to be "fasting" for a ninja anyway. :youngsabu:
I just went on a first date with a guy I have been talking to for 5 weeks. He must have spent a MINIMUM of $250 that night between dinner, drinks, uber, and other entertainment. I've never been one to feel comfortable allowing a man to pay for everything so I paid for our movie tickets at the end of the night ($30). I think my case is an exception though. I've been getting to know him for over a month and we pretty much have made it clear that we are dating each other. However, I do not think that you should spend $200-250 on a "sip & see" if it's the first time you are truly getting to know someone, UNLESS you have it like that to blow.
Yeah I'm not sure this is the same thing, tbh. This is an exception, like you said. This is a guy you've known and been talking to for over a month, the "get to know you" part is already kinda established at this point. By that point you're already friends, to a certain extent. Especially if that time included a lot of long phone conversations. First dates in my mind are ones where you both just met and don't know much about each other yet. Maybe I'm old school since I tend to meet people in person, not on apps and websites. So the weeks/months of getting to know beforehand doesn't really happen before a date.
Such a frugal man you are Sir Delmacy. But being the somewhat serial dater that you make yourself out to be, I suppose the creativity speaks louder for you.
Leme find out gay mofos are going on dates!?!? I caught that closing line @christopher Yea, what @nick said.
Yo, adding my 2 cents to this. (PUN INTENDED). I dont have a limit on price for a date, but if we talking about first dates here. IMO, i dont even break bread on a quote on quote "first date". Meaning, I dont eat with a dude I dont know. Simply because, i dont even know if we gonna hit it off yet.
My first date is a first drink. Lets meet for a drink or two, see wassup, and if we vibe after that, maybe plan a meal date or something more invasive where the"interview" process can commence. So $250 on a first date? Try 30 to 50 bucks on some drinks a the trendy lil bar and the hopes of "cuffin" later. BOOM (drops mic)
I wouldn't spend that much money on a first date at all. Here's my thing…for some reason, I don't feel like I should have to pay for dinner with a dude unless we have established that either 1) they don't have the money; 2) they are driving and we have worked out that if you drive, I will take care of dinner: or 3) I just feel like doing that for that person. When I have gone out with girls, I feel a little different. I was a little more apt to pay for them because of the roles society has placed on men and women.
I went out with a dude once in the DMV area and when we went out, he picked me up and paid for the dinner (albeit I only ate about $7.00 worth of food and I don't drink). I was appreciative of it but I didn't ask him to do it. He wasn't going to take the leftovers that we had bc at the time he said he didn't want them. A few months later, we went out again for brunch. I did make the suggestion that we go to brunch since I was going to be in town. He told me that I had to pick him up since he picked me up the last time. I had no problem with that. He wanted to go to a brunch with bottomless mimosas so we went somewhere where the brunch was like $25.00 a piece. I only ate one small plate of food and had water, but I was gonna go half with him. He began to feel some type of way that I didn't pay for the brunch because he felt since the invitation for brunch came from me, that I should have paid. We never had that conversation and not that I had a problem with doing it, but I would have liked to have had that conversation.
First dates to me should be dutch – unless I make the offer to pay. I never ask for anyone to pay for me so I wouldn't see paying for someone else unless we have discussed it OR that person is the dude I'm with.
Interesting that you say that. When I attended a black gay men's group in SoFlo, quite a few of the men felt that if you are the one who does the inviting of someone for dinner then they assume that the one that does the inviting will pay. That viewpoint was moreso generally from a bottom's perspective. Some guys also shared the same sentiment where both parties should just cover the tab individually. I just think it is so weird all the stipulations people put on dating. Should all of that be a huge deal? Like if you are both men and going out to eat, why don't you both just pay for yourselves?
I agree that people should pay for their own dinner. I have had situations where somebody would pay for my food and I was like – o.k. the next time we go out, I will get the tab. But again, it's about the communication. I have had situations where I have wanted to go out to eat and the person I wanted to go with didn't have the money. So I was like, "I got you." Again, I get more people pay for me because of the fact I don't eat much. But, I never ask to be paid for.
We need to get over these fiscal expectations of a date. 1. Spend what you can afford. Stay within your means. Be creative. A date could be a freakin' walk in the park, time at the park, or coffee and pastry at a local cafe. 2. If you ask someone out, you should probably expect to pay, unless you agree to go dutch (and it should be in that same conversation). 3. If your going dutch, agree on a place or price-point…BEFORE THE DATE. If someone is my future boo, I want him to be fiscally responsible (e.g. cheaper dinner, but the mortgage is paid off.. right?) 4. Be honest.. even if I'm going dutch, I'm not trying to go to an expensive restaurant on a 1st date… whether I can afford it or not. Now if you increase your spending on each date, what expectation are you setting for the relationship? If you are always paying for things, what expectation are you setting for the relationship? I know a lot of us (not me) still maintain this traditional male-female-esq roles in dating: top/bottom, dominant/passive, masculine/feminine, taking care of/being taken care of, and the list goes on and on. Isn't it time we got away from that? I've probably strayed of topic, so I will close with a question: Are you dating to impress someone or are you dating to get to know someone? That will help you decide the relevance of the price of your first date.
I think spending up to $150 on a first date is reasonable; that's about how much I'd spend on a regular night out at the club anyway so I it's not a big deal. But even though I'm always prepared to spend that amount, it's not often that I do. I find that most dates will pull out their cards and go half without being prompted.
Probably less than $50
You're right. I met him on FB and he was traveling for work so we kinda had a jump start on convo before he returned to my city. My situation is def an exception.
Wow. Im reading through some of these threads and im actually shocked at the ones where dudes are saying they INVITED someone to a date, dinner, or whatever and then is like, "oh yeah, so you got half of this". LMAO. What the FVCK?
I would get half of it just cause this negro insisted, but that would definitely be a mark for me to say, yeah, im probably not messing with this dude. It is BEYOND tacky to me if im invited somewhere and the dude dont take care of it. And totally vice versa man. I have invited numerous dudes for a drink or even dinner and if i invited you, its taken care of. Key word I INVITED you.
How are dudes gonna be the one that send an invite, but expect to go dutch. Im sorry bruh, to me thats just bad manners to the up most.
I guess its the hetero-normal thinking that we reject. If I INVITE a regular friend to hang out for drinks, I don't pay for all of his drinks for the entire night. And he doesn't expect that either. Any guy I'm dating isn't some 1940s debutante, expecting me to hold the door for him and pull out his chair too. If anything, he insists that he pay some of the bill or buy the next round of drinks or something. The other thing, most times gay men don't "invite" other men out on dates. We say "let's link up for a drink" or "We should meet up and hang out." I've rarely ever said, " Will you go out on a date with me?" to a dude.
I agree if I say lets "meet up", "link up" or "meet to hang" for just a drink, thats a little more open ended and less formal than "Will you go out on a date with me". Therefore the going dutch thing would be more considered. And if its just a regular friend, of course i wouldnt flip the bill on that negro. I thought we were talking about FIRST DATE.
And btw Nick, dudes aint saying "Will you go out on a date with with" (holding out flowers and pushing up his glasses) over here either. LOL
My thing is if I look at you as someone I want to get to know on a more intimate level and possibly stick that thang in (our vice versa), I may suggest,
"Yo, you seem cool. You free this Friday to go eat at this spot? The food is awesome".
He say yeah. Thats MY INVITATION. No way he would get there and Im like, "so you got your portion?". LOL…..I dont see that as "hetro-normal" at all, just as decent manners.
Yeah I guess we both date two different types of men. The guys I go out with INSIST on contributing to the bill. If I pay for the movie, they offer to buy me a cocktail or popcorn during the movie. They would never be comfortable with being "taken out" like a woman typically is…but then again, like I said in the article, I don't go to a formal 5-star restaurant on a first date with a dude that I just met. That may come later, not on a first date.
I think its odd that you would pay for meals and drinks for a dude you don't know, but NOT pay for food and drinks for a friend you're hanging out with. I'm more likely to treat my friends than a dude I just met in a bar.
But that's what you say you do with your FRIENDS, why is going dutch bad manners with a stranger but good manners with close friend? Is the difference solely that you hope to put your penis into the stranger in the future?
I believe it may have been a bit of Lost in Translation thing going on here. Let me clarify.
I agree it is odd as you state to pay for someone you dont know vs a homeboy thats your friend. I was more so still referring to the "dating" scenario you presented as the thread topic. I dont date my friends, so if we meet for drinks and to trip out, its usually on a going dutch tip. We both dont expect to flip each others bill. (however, its been MANY times I have paid for it all and was glad to do it because they are my friends.) So if it was assumed Im saying fvck the friends I pay for the dates, thats not accurate at all.
IMO going dutch was bad manners to me because I SPECIFICALLY invited you for a date, dinner, whateva. Most of the dudes I date DEFINITELY insist on buying the popcorn once i get the tickets or drink etc. So the type of men we date im pretty sure are the same and f^ckin with Atlanta, probably THE SAME. :fantasia:
I just got the notion of some dudes saying, no matter what, if I go on a date as far as the financial part, you do you and I do me. And to me thats just wack because again if I invited you somewhere, im not expecting you to come out of pocket. Its just a bonus if you do.
But again, by all means, they wouldnt be comfortable with being "taken out like a women" Right?
No I totally understand what you're saying and again I think its very hetero-normative (I hate using that word). Its akin to taking a woman out on a date, she expects to be treated to everything. The man is expected to cover the bill. I'm saying that those rules don't necessarily apply to gay men because for many dudes it equates to emasculation, especially given the history of the custom. this may not be a problem for more effeminate dates who may identify with women and want a man to take care of them.
I didn't imply that you dated your friends, I merely brought that up because you kept stressing on who invited whom. So you agree that if you invite a FRIEND out, those "good manners" go out the window…it ONLY applies when you hope to date or have sex with the person later. Why? To impress them? I'd rather impress long time friends by treating them to a $100-$200 night out than a dude I may never see on a second date.
I guess im just saying, "Will you Marry me Nick"? :franko1:
Too soon? LOL. Nah to answear your question, I would definitely extend the "Good Manners" to my friends. Food for thought. Thanks for the perspective.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry when this day came…
250 can be a lot of money depending on your lifestyle. I personally don't believe you have to spend that much to have a good impression. If you spending that much on the first date I can only imagine special days like birthday, anniversary, etc.
Just dont start saying ur gonna put x $ in cus u only had the wings. Thats a def nail in the coffin. Either we can split or one of us can pick up the next time. I just went to brunch w my str8 homeboy the other day n I took care of it, but its the kind of thing he'll do the next time. If ur dating/hanging w ppl who arent down to share the burden, then ur out w the wrong ppl.
I think that it just depends on you, what you can afford, and your connection with that guy. I have taken a guy out to a concert on a first date. And I have just meet up with a guy for coffee at Starbucks an we paid for our own. I like to go with the flow of things. The guy I took to the concert was introduce to me through a friend and we talking for a while before we went out. The guy I meet for coffee was someone I met online. So it all just depends on the circumstances.
That's way too much money for a date, I would spend that amount for an anniversary or some important shyt like that.
Right now, unfortunately I am on the broke side lol…I'll try to put away at least $100 or more for a nice night out with the boyfriend, but it could be less (he's in the same boat, so he's pretty understanding). On a first date, it can vary between $50 and $200 (I don't think I've ever spent over $200 on a first date).
Yeah, as a student dates for us are not as expensive. But I think that's a good thing, because it allows us to focus more on the conversation that is being had at the table and less on the price of the check. Also I agree with the person who said "date within your mean". If you have a rough week and all you can afford in Wendy's, that's cool with me…
Guys, I'm late to this, and this is my first post, but two things: What's the problem with actually inviting another guy out on a date, as in, "Can I take you out for dinner Friday night?"? Are we afraid of appearing too gay? Too White? Also, I think that spending a huge amount of money (more than $100) sets you up for spending that kind of money in the future (what are you gonna do for the second date?). Also, what if the other person is expected to pay that type of money when it's his turn, and he can't afford it?
So I asked some random heterosexual white people this question and they all said, "Hell f**k No!" to the $200 and up first date… But admittedly none of them were Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman" ballers…just regular men and women. Even one woman said that a $5-8 first date at a coffee spot is the most that should be spent. One dude said no more than $45 per person…he said that even $50 per person was outrageous for a first date, so $45 was the cap, lol.
50 dollars maximum for a first date. I once had a guy that was blowing so much money on the first date to impress me and it actually even turned me off.
Welcome to posting man! I don't think its a big deal at all to ask someone out on a date w the intent to treat. I just think a lot of guys typically try to avoid the str8 gender dating roles, so are more adamant abt goin dutch.
I don't believe in putting minimums or maximums on dates. I do whatever feels right/comfortable. I've gone on some free dates where we came with our own snacks & just walked the beach for hours and talked. I've also treated a guy to an Outkast concert and a pretty nice dinner afterward. The former we stayed together for about 6 months, whereas the latter… lol. Me and that guy ended up not going past 2 dates. It's fine, I don't regret either of em.
I do think it's CRAZY to expect multiple c-notes to be dropped in on the first date. If you judge a guy by the type of date or how much of his wallet he opened/didn't open, then that says more about you. Dates are meant to create experience and foster bonding. The best things in life truly are free, so you really don't need a lavish meal to get to the best part of knowing someone. Those things are great, but so are picnics at the park, laying out on the beach or long walks. Folks gotta get off their damn high horses.
Nick, I'm with you bruh. I don't come to a date on an empty stomach. In my mind, you should be more reserved in terms of spending on a first date. No matter how much you make. I learned my lesson in that regard. I took a girl on a date once and spent about $150 between the two of us. And she ended up being pretty obnoxious. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I'd have spent half that. The first date is about getting to know a person one-on-one in various public settings. It shouldn't be about letting someone know how lavishly you can spend for a night on the town. Problem is some folks might get accustomed to that and keep you in their back pocket because of it. The moment you downgrade from Mr. Chow's to TGI Fridays, they'll probably stop returning your text messages. Honestly, I prefer to go dutch on a first date. I just went on a second date with a dude a few nights ago and we took turns covering the bill each place we went. No one felt pressured or "owed" anything. That set the tone for us to just enjoy each other's company. Doing it big should be reserved for special occasions.
Even when I was married, we saved the big expenses for special occasions. Takeout by candle light and good conversation can be a phenomenal date. Live within your financial means.. even when dating. I'm more impressed with an individuals ability skill in saving and financial planning for the future then their wallet/assets
.
Dating is a new thing for me and I do believe in getting to know a person without breaking the bank. I don't mind paying for a date only if I feel there may be a second but I truly feel you should go dutch on a first date.