By the way you parked your car sideways
That it wouldn’t last
See you’re the kinda person
That believes in makin’ out once
Love ’em and leave ’em fast”
As a young seventeen year old person I was a quiet and shy person who kept to myself. Most of that was because of the low self-esteem. I would walk with my head looking down to the ground and it was difficult to look people in the eyes when chatting. It was almost like I was guilty and that guilt held my head down in shame. The guilt came from being a 10 year old victim of sexual abuse for over a year. Something I never shared with anyone and yet I walked as if it was my fault. Spending a childhood questioning what did I do to invite it? Ashamed even though I was the victim.I feel that as children we’re born with wings to fly but as we grow we have forces that come along and pluck the wings from our ascent, eventually leaving us grounded, afraid to reach for the sky. With all I was experiencing at a young age it was unfortunate that the way I was raised by my single mother also played another part in my search for self.
At the time I walked the same route to and from school and would see this red corvette. The only reason it stood out was because of its bright red color. I also didn’t live in the best neighborhood as we shared our playground with prostitutes and drug sellers. So the clean color red stood out as everything around it was gritty and grey.
As I was crossing a street near my home one day the red corvette stopped and inside was an older gentleman. He said hello and started to compliment me and it was something about hearing a compliment, hearing something nice even coming from a stranger, that made me open up. It was like after all these years of living under dark clouds; someone was willing to shower me with encouraging words. I was a flower blossoming open. When you don’t feel value and you have someone giving value to you, no matter how they look and their intentions, you grab on to it like it’s a twenty dollar bill blowing down the street and you hold on to it tight less it goes away.His words were so hypnotizing that it led me to get into his car, to be driven a few blocks away and finding myself standing in his house. I knew in the back of mind what he wanted but as a former person of sex abuse you sometimes have this perception that saying hello involves the giving of your body and not a simple handshake. Although I had never had a sexual experience, by the way I talked you would think I was an expert. It was truly my first time. I had heard about it but was curious on what it was and what it would feel like when I was in a willing participant. Because he was older and he said I was handsome, I trusted him. Because he said he we didn’t need a condom I trusted him. Because he would go away if I said no, I trusted him.
Afterward I never saw the car again as I guess he got what he wanted and I was relieved as I was scared about what happened. I felt guilty. Like my father I didn’t know his name.
A few months passed and I got sick like a dog. It was weird as I had never been a person who ever got sick. So this sickness was weird as for a week I was in bed. Not long afterward I saw a story in the newspaper of the person who I had my first account with. There he was trying to rob a bank and in the process of being arrested he told the cops he would bite them as he had AIDS. In my naive thinking I was shocked more that he tried to rob a bank and didn’t focus on the AIDS comment at that time. When they say it only takes one time it’s true I learned. Little red corvette.
Based on my experiences it was hard to find worth on a life that was treated as worthless. What happens when the importance of a person’s ideal of themselves without that guidance and value, can be easily lead astray? Would a condom have solved all my problems? Probably so but the way I felt about myself and the life I was living would have made it difficult for me to see why? I was in the basement of my penthouse life. I wouldn’t wish my journey on others but I know others journey has a similar direction. And I also know it’s easy to judge others without walking in that persons shoe. I understand and it took me getting HIV to find something that was denied me…my worth.
He heads the new initiative of addressing HIV stigma in faith-based institutions along with the current offering of presenting anti-stigma trainings in the workplace environment.
He has an extensive record of speaking to various organizations and schools about living with HIV for 25 years. He also blogs about his life experience on poz.com and also has numerous blogs on the Huffington Post.
Damn…moving story. I am a child of the Aids epidemic crisis. A lot of my friends succumbed to the disease at the time when there were no retro viral drugs. Gay men covered up like it was no body’s business then. 20 years later it is as if we forgot that the disease exist and we are widely abandoning all safe sex methods for the opportunity to have what is called ‘real sex’. Well I guess I am old school and if its one ‘fad’ I will not be joining is this one- the bare back generation. The generation that has more cases of HIV per black male than any other race.Call me old fashioned- that is alright. Sex without protection is an unhealthy exercise…with the so called devoted partner or not.
Wow! What an revealing testimony! I think a lot of gay black men can relate to feeling unworthy of anything good in life. When you grow up feeling less than a man because of how you’re made to feel about who you’re naturally attracted to, it can cause low self esteem and depression. It can cause you to become sneaky in your sexual dealings and if you don’t have someone to explain the dangers of sex to you, then you might end up with the WRONG person or in the WRONG situation. I think people who knowingly infect others with a deadly disease KNOW that something is lacking in the other person’s self esteem. They seek after those types of guys. It’s sad.
I know this was MEANT for me. I needed this article. At the perfect time. I use to feel like, “Hey, if we are both negative and in a relationship. Why not?” or “I trust him, he trusts me, let’s do it!”
But I know now, more than ever, is that it takes just ONE time! One of my best friends told me that it is so ironic that it is the people that put all their trust in one person…that the person they trusted ended up giving them HIV. Crazy right?!
I know that I will ALWAYS use protection. And that I won’t say to myself, “Dang, if I had listened to the guys on Discreet City a few years ago, I wouldn’t be here…” or “Had I known that…(blah, blah)”
This is a very serious issue and a topic that really needed to be brought to the forefront.
Love the article! God Bless You guys in all you do.
God Bless Mr. Guess for his testimony. I am happy that he is using the voice he thought he never had growing up. This will make a difference in many young gay mens’ lives.
Brotha I commend you for sharing this with the Discreet City family. There were moments in your article that were extremely powerful, but nothing struck me harder than ‘I would walk with my head looking down to the ground and it was difficult to look people in the eyes when chatting’.
I used to feel that way when I was younger because I hated my homosexuality and the fact that I didn’t want it to be my reality. Life and experience will mold you into the kind of man you want to be, as it has for me, but in those twenty-three words I was transported back to a time before acceptance and visibility. I pray you continue to touch brothas and sistahs everywhere with your words.
Thank you for sharing this life experience with us and all that you do for the gay community. You are a blessing to the world and I wish you all the best. Have a beautiful life brotha.
I give you much credit with telling your story. So many gay men
grow up feeling worthless. And, we don’t realize that someone
who acts nice to us, isn’t thinking in our best interest. Glad to
hear this has made you stronger, and that you have the chance
to help others. Keep up the good work.