Its that time again for another submission to our advice column. This situation might be more common place to us gay / bisexual black men in corporate America in larger gay populated cities. But best believe similar circumstances can also happen working in warehouse or factory.
At 49 years of age, I live my life as a closeted gay male. My marriage ended after 8 years when I was 42 and I have 1 child. I am single and really don’t frequent the clubs or bars. I have looked to the internet for meeting and dating other gay men.
I met a younger man (32) about 8 months ago. About two weeks after we met it was discovered we worked for the same company and actually work in the same office complex but different buildings. His department consolidated and now he works in the customer service center in my building.
Very private and cautious, I was apprehensive about continuing our sexual relationship, due to close proximity. Our relationship became more involved and he wanted to have more of a committed relationship. Even though not opposed to the idea, I felt it was not the right time.
Even though I was not in an agreed exclusive or committed relationship with him; I was not sexually involved with anyone else. We did spend large segments of time together and have gone out of town twice. Majority of our outings I will pay completely or cover 75% of the tabs.
1 month ago it was discovered that he was having a sexual relations with someone else. Even though we are not in a committed relationship, I was not comfortable with an open sexual relationship and decided to end what we had.
This person became very angry and accused me of wasting his time. Since then he has become very bitter and has left notes on my car and has left angry voice mail messages. He is threatening to inform our employer and stated he will accuse me of sexual harassment with saying sexual favors were provided in hopes of advancement. All of course is not true.
As a hard working, private, closeted African American man, I do not want my company to know of any of these dealings. I feel I have sacrificed too much for this to possibly ruin my career.
I feel maybe I should get the upper hand by confidentially speaking with our Human Resource manager first, but don’t want to cause unnecessary disturbance just in case he is bluffing with his tactics and threats.
Any insight or advice you give will be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Wow…very sorry to hear you are going through this. In these though economic times, having your career threatened is not a
good feeling and especially over a something like this.
I have never been in a situation like this, so I hope my thoughts or suggestions can help. The overall goal here is to defuse the situation and for you to maintain your career and status.
First: I would begin to mentally prepare myself for everyone (at least my co-workers) knowing that I am gay or bisexual. Why? Because if this news does come out due to any malicious intent by your pseudo-ex, you will have already prepared yourself mentally which could lessen the sting and you will be able to focus on any other more serious matters. I am not saying opening up and announcing your sexuality but, mentally get yourself prepared just in case.
Second: Try to talk to him. I don’t know what type of conversations has already transpired, but it sounds like he feels rejected and you know with a lot of us men; rejecting greatly impacts our egos. He stated you wasted his time, how? Were you misleading in any way? Try to fully let him vent and talk out everything that he is feeling. Hold firm to your position, but attempt to be empathetic to his feelings.
Third: I know this may sound odd or unorthodox but why not offer to pay for a counseling session or two. I am sure he has insurance so you could pay the co-pay for a couple’s session or single session. You already stated you pretty much paid for outings or picked up the tabs during your time together, so why not pay for this? Again keep in mind the overall goal here is to defuse the situation and you maintain your career, status and reputation. I think this would be a small price to pay.
Fourth: Get the upper hand. Like you said, going to Human Resources might allow you to get the upper hand. Part of the operating function of Human Resources is to be discreet and confidential. You have been with this company for 16 years and have worked your way up to executive level, so obviously you have a great reputation. Capitalize on it by doing the responsible thing and going to them and advising them so the company will not be blind sided with sexual harassment allegations. The sooner you do this the better.
Well I hope this advice helps.
I know a lot of us have had sexual harassment training on the job and subsequently heard stories of men and women meeting on the job, dating and getting married. I personally would never have any type of sexual relationship with a co-worker.
If you are a cautious, private, closeted or open gay / bisexual black man; please don’t let some on the job dick or ass get in the way of you making your money. The unemployment numbers are disproportionally high enough for black males without adding situations like this in the equation.
What do you all think? Feel free to leave your suggestions or feedback.
-Octavius
GoodMorning. Sorry for the late response, but this is my opinion on the workplace advice column.
I liked this advice column, but being that you have never been in a situation like that; I think your advice wasn’t the best, as what it should have been. Or rather, the order in which you put them in lol. As a professional gay male myself, I could understand completely how dude was feeling.
Your #1 advice was on point, and agreed with you 100%. But I felt that the #4 advice, should have been the #2 advice. At this point, I wouldn’t have even wanted to speak with the guy, as you suggested he do in #2. Because at that time, when he took it to the next level, leaving threatening notes, and voicemails; he stepped way out of line, past the point of speaking terms. There was no going back at that time, so dudes only defense in my opinion was/is to go to his HR department, so it can be nipped in the bud from jump.
And advice #3, that was just ridiculous; there weren’t in a committed relationship, so why would I be willing to go to and sit through some therapy sessions with your crazy ass?!!!
LMAO…Well I feel ya my man and keep in mind I did say…”I have never been in a situation like this, so I hope my thoughts or suggestions can help. The overall goal here is to defuse the situation and for you to maintain your career and status.” The point was to explore all options that might be available.
Love your last sentence lol…Thank you for your feedback becuase it was much needed!
I have to agree with Charles, especially on #3. I wouldn’t spend another dime on him….for therapy or anything else. He’s hurt, realized what’s he’s lost and is acting out with most likely empty threats. I’ve been in corporate America also with a fortune 500 Top 25 for 28 years. I have no faith that anything in HR is truly “confidential”. If he were to go to HR I advise he simply state that ‘someone” my come forward with sexual harassment charges. Leave out the details until it become a reality.
This is a perfect example of why one should be “equally yoked” (don’t mean to go biblical). Equal as in socioeconomically. Education, career, financial status, goals, community/civil involvement etc. At least you both have an equal amount of respect and also equal risk with the relationship and will not “bitch out” and mis-behave if it doesn’t work out. Shed a tear, lick your wounds and move the hell on!!