In our recent podcast, Cypher Ave discussed navigating dating mobile apps. Part of the intent wasn’t just to dialogue about our own experiences but to also examine short comings and possible areas of improvement men can use to make their involvement when using apps more successful. Admittedly, I’ve been out of the dating game for close to 8 years but listening to the podcast did bring up past memories. Even though they were touched upon in the podcast, I feel it should be reinforced that there are two phrases gay/bi/sgl men should stop using immediately when attempting to connect with other men.
There Is No Such Thing As FRIENDS FIRST
Be fucking honest; if you’re single looking to mingle and you’re online or using a mobile app are you really looking for friends? Either you’re looking to date, in hopes of something developing into a possible relationship or you’re looking to hookup. This also falls into that whole realm of foolishness “looking for friends; must be attractive.” No, you’re really looking for someone to date that you will find attractive. Men; you have to start being upfront and honest with yourselves, the audience that you’re presenting yourselves to and those you’re looking to attract. This is not elementary school where you pass a note stating “do you like me…check yes or no.”
Why does it seem like many men are afraid to use the word DATE? Dating doesn’t automatically mean boyfriend. To the gay/bi/sgl community this word comes with a certain weight that many men are afraid to carry or even try to lift. To say “I’m looking to date” or “I’m interesting in dating you”, means you have to man up, make a decision and take ownership.
I feel that many men who use phrases like “friend first” or “I’m just trying to meet cool people” are being purposely ambiguous to make it easier if they want to move on if not interested. Dating should be viewed as the beginning of getting to know someone for something more. If the man is not for you, that’s fine, that’s a part of the process. If it’s not a match, move on.
“Friends First” of “Looking for Friends” needs to be deleted from online profiles and replaced with “Looking to Date”. Not “hang out”, not “just kick it” but date. You’re a grown ass man, own it and be upfront with your intentions.
Side notes – If you’re in a relationship and you’re on a dating/hookup app looking for friends, you’re lying to yourself. Also, I think it should be understood that one can date someone exclusively or date multiple individuals. If you not in a committed relationship and you’re upfront and honest…do you.
What’s Up / Sup Should Not Be Used as a Greeting
As a masculine leaning man, “what’s up / sup man” are almost instinctive when I communicate with other men. However when it comes to greeting someone online, this can be perceived as a little immature. Also it can come off as if you’re not really interested but just passing the time, which could translate into wasting someone else’s time. Add some words to this general bro greeting and be ready to follow up with additional comments to keep the conversation going.
Examples;“What’s up? I see in your profile you like binge watching tv shows. I also like binge watching shows sometimes on the weekends. In the past I have binge watched Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.”
You could follow up with; “What are your top three favorite shows from the last five years?”
Another example is; “Hey man how’s it going? I see you have on a (insert random sports team) shirt; how do you think they’ll do this season?”
I understand some apps don’t require you to initially create a profile where you can describe yourself or hobbies; so be ready to provide that information willingly when reaching out to other guys if they seem interested. Keep in mind, you’re the one who is reaching out to the other guy to chat so it’s up to you to initially guide and control the conversation.
So Gents, stop speaking as if you’re greeting a guy in the gym in passing and starting speaking and introducing yourself to the man you’re attempting to get to know.
I haven’t used a dating app or online site in quite sometime but when I did it was almost always for one reason only. The internet has failed us, even though it is remarkable.
I was having dinner at my neighbors house, an older gay couple with their really older gay couple friends and they were telling me stories of how they had to meet men in the early 60s. Everything they did was a secret and it was only hooking up (in the woods or bathroom or bathhouse) and they are disappointed in my generation who has all this freedom to meet and romance and be open in bars or on the street yet we are consumed by “beeping apps.” These old guys knew something about romance that was foreign to me when I was listening to their stories.
But you are right….complete sentences is an excellent start to any kind of greeting.
It is pretty f#$kin sad when you think about it, dude.
To me if someone selects looking for friends that means he’s obviously looking for a dude to f*** with on the regular no strings attached. To me stating that you’re actively looking for friends says you’re a thot. Who actually looks for friends on a DATING site/app?!?! That is not that right avenue to find buddies for your bowling team. Really what is meant by this option is “seeking friends w/ benefits.”
I choose looking to date or seeking a long-term relationship, but in my profile I do say friends first because I want the guy to know that I want to take it slooooowww because I’m actually looking for a long-term relationship, not a hookup. I choose my intention honestly. Funny thing tho’, I thought terms like long-term, relationship, and friends first would be an instant cockblock, but dudes still try on the first meeting to get a nutt. LOL. Thirsty much? I just want to hang out (not at his/my crib…that’s a setup) get to know each other to see if there’s chemistry (organically), discover his true personality, and assess OUR potential before diving into exclusively dating. I don’t want any sexual contact nor texts on that boo/bae level when I say friends first.
I rarely use those apps now as it is, but when I did I sure used the phrase friends first and more than likely still would. Didn’t mean I was sleeping or looking to sleep around. Definitely ignored people who were.
I’d still use the phrase now since, in my humbly honest opinion, if I can’t trust or like you at a friend level, why in the gosh darn world, would I want to try and build a romantic relationship with you? I see getting to know anyone new the same way regardless of intention when I think about it. Because that “know them for something more” can be ambiguous itself. Just because you find someone attractive, you let them know and you guys go somewhere, doesn’t make it a date, or does it? That’s why I think some people don’t like the term dating due to differing viewpoints and the connotations that come with them. Especially when everyone sees their definition as right. Granted being straight up can diffuse assumptions, hopefully.
But yea I definitely agree with expanding the greeting. That’s the one thing I hated. Get a one word greeting, then try to make my response an open one as to keep the conversation going, but they don’t, and I’m like you hit me up first so what in the world. There were others though where we messaged for hours, just getting to know each other 🙂 It could’ve just been passing the time for some, but we had some good discussions nonetheless.
I had one of these apps on my phone for all of 2 days before I realized it wasn’t for me. I gave it the good ole college try. But when it’s clear that most of the dudes I come across on there are treating it as a meat market, I gotta let it go. Different strokes for different folks.
Thing with the “long” greetings (and I agree wholeheartedly that “wassup/whas gudy” are played) is that the majority of dudes nowadays, especially Millennial dudes, have short attention spans and need to get str8 to the point (even when that “point” is obscure). I’ve tried both ways when I was active on Dating/Hook Up Sites…
“Whatsup Man” usually got me a response, and subsequently (though rarely) a piece of a convo afterwards but hardly ever led to an actual meeting. But this could just be chalked up to them having found something better while chatting with me.
“Hey, good morning/afternoon, Bro. I like (so & so) about your pic. Hows your day going”…rarely was met with any response unless it was someone my age or older, and even then it was rare. But when the person did respond it was followed by a really good convo. No hookup, however. Again, most likely because something better came along during.
So I guess it’s a crap shoot no matter which way you go. The friends first shit definitely needs to go ou the window, but it never will because nikkaz will always find some way to justify using it and not using the word “date”. Again, crap shoot. Dudes for the most part tend to avoid other dudes that are upfront. I started out using the “Lookin for Friends” shit and during that time frame would get hit up a lot. Once I matured a little and changed up to ‘Looking to Date and see where things go from there” the responses dropped drastically and it felt like I was branded with the Scarlet Letter. LOL Unfortunately I think this is just an inherent trait of the majority of gay dudes, Black, Latino, white, Asian, and everything in between. I don’t know many straight dudes with this mentality, but then again most straight people have family/kids on their minds, so the want to be with someone on some serious shit is ingrained. We on the other hand, are “supposed” to be the promiscuous, perpetually partying, sex hounds that fuck and go and are constantly on the hunt for the next best thing, so any hint of the possibility of the inkling of the thought of potentially wanting something meaningful is rejected. smh LOL
Thanks for sharing this article!