Looking for a Healthy Longterm Relationship?

By OckyDub | Posted Sep 26 2011 | 10 Comments  

Do you want a long term relationship? Some tips and advance from Cypher Ave’s relationship coach, Octavius.Now this post applies to those of you may be seeking a long term loving relationship…not those who are happily single.  I know I could write a book on this subject, but I will try to keep it short for this post.

We all know so many masculine homosexual men who are not in a relationship that want to be in one, but feel they just cannot find the right masculine man to spend their personal time with.  They have all sorts of reason as to why they can’t find a worthy partner.

For some it’s age restrictions, too soft acting or not masculine enough, they have roommates, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t show affection, too immature, too many lies and games, not secure with themselves, too fat, too skinny, one leg shorter than the other, LOL.  You name it, we all have heard it.

Some may be valid reasons but others may just be excuses.  Now I know we all have our standards and ideas of what we are looking for in a mate.  But can you look internally at yourself and see if you have the same standards and ideas that you want in your potential partner?

So often I see masculine men who want relationships fall in the same trap.  They see something they like, in person or online, have small talk, maybe have a few drinks, they have sex and then they attempt to get to know the man they just hooked up with.  They attempt to form some sort of bond in hopes of it turning this “hook up” into a long term relationship.After a month or two of getting to know the person and attempting to establish and make something work, they realize that this man is not the one for them and at or around the 3 month mark, this pseudo long term relationship is over.

Picture After doing this a couple of times it is easy to lose patience.  With confidence lost in trying to find the right masculine man, the solitude and loneliness can take a toll.  It can lead to self destructive behavior and can cause one to become emotionally codependent on others while jumping from relationship to relationship.  Like having a lot of sex while looking for a little bit of love; all because you may be afraid of being alone with your true feelings and having to face the reality of who you really are.

Well one thing is for certain, in all these unsuccessful relationships the common factor is you.

Ask yourself these questions…

  • Are you taking a step back to analyze what you may be doing wrong?
  • Did you ever stop to think, what are you bringing to the table or what do you have to offer, not only to yourself but to a relationship?
  • What are you doing to attract these types of men to you?
  • Are you able to live up to and met your own standards?
  • Are you willing to take responsibility and make the necessary changes within to perhaps attract the right masculine man for you?

Well if you are are willing to take responsibility and make the necessary changes, the below tips may be just the information needed to help you out…

-Learn how to love and respect yourself…
This is very important regardless if you are seeking a relationship or not.  This should be the bases for your entire life.  How can you expect to find and receive love, if you don’t love yourself?  This can’t be stressed enough!  Learn how to truly love and respect yourself inside and out.

-Learn how to be comfortable spending time alone…
Spend some quality time alone.  This is how you find out who you truly are.  Take this time to discover what truly makes you happy and become in tune with self.  Can you make yourself laugh and smile? If you are not comfortable spending time with you, how do you expect your potential mate to be comfortable spending time with you?

-Be available…
You love yourself; you are comfortable being alone, now you feel you are ready to share your space and time with someone. To do this you must be available!  If you ask for something, make sure you are taking action to make yourself available to receive it.  Step outside the box and avoid the typical norms of the gay club and bar scene.  You are not going to meet your
potential partner sitting at home so get out and live your life.

-Don’t have sex too quickly…No seriously   
Look, if you meet someone that fits your criteria (meaning they are truly relationship material) and you are considering beginning a relationship with this person; you will have plenty of time to have all the sex you want.  Take the time to become friends first.  Grow your relationship and its foundation and focus on sex later.  Seriously, I would suggest waiting at least 2-3 months before having sexual intercourse.  If this seems to long just think about how all the previous hook-ups turned out

-Enjoy dating and meeting people…
Dating should be fun and you need to make sure you have fun doing it. If you go into a date like it’s a burden or a waste of time, guess what?  You will end feeling like it has been a burden and a waste of your time.  Believe me; once you change your outlook, you will begin to attract a whole different caliber of man to you.

-Learn how to tolerate and compromise…
If you do decide to go down the relationship road, you should have a clear understanding that it is not all about you anymore.  Learn how to communicate, listen and compromise with your partner.  Relationships take time and effort to grow. Two masculine dudes will eventually bump-heads so you can’t be ready to throw in the towel whenever you two have disagreement.  Remember, it takes time and effort.

Picture Understand you deserve to be happy and find love.  It will feel good to love somebody when somebody loves and respects you back.

I would like to hear your feedback or answer any relationship questions you have. 

– Octavius

About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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10 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. JC Powell | July 7th, 2013

    This is a great post. I’m really fond of the ‘be available’ point. I know my schedule is so intense right now with school, working full time and my internship that I wouldn’t know where to begin to be available. I also like the point about not having sex too soon. My longest lasting relationships have been with brothers who I wasn’t too quick to hop in the bed with. We didn’t wait 2 to 3 months, but there was still a period of time that passed before the sex happened. Again, this is a really great post.

  2. Derrik | July 7th, 2013

    We started guud n itz ge10 guddah!

  3. Antoine Lawson | July 7th, 2013

    i must first say, i do believe in longterm relationship,i believe in monogamy relationship,i waited all my life just find mr right,we all av flaws etc but at d end of d day a real man loves wen a partner as their integrity keep up to standards etc,im in a relationship my bf is d best person, hes hot cute caring very masculine as well nice dreadz etc,dats not really y we r together,we r connected with each other,we both understands each other,he was d one who took my virginity as well,respects leads a far in a relationship,where theirs no respects it will not work.

  4. Demond | July 7th, 2013

    Thank You for this very informative, interesting, and motivating post!

    • Ocky | July 7th, 2013

      Every now and then I attempt to get my “Oprah” on…lol. Thank you for visiting.

      • SwagJack
        SwagJack | June 9th, 2014

        Nice one, @ocky
        I agree with you on the fourth point. But I wonder what @nick would say?

        ***Cheshire Cat grin***

  5. Kareem | July 7th, 2013

    I love the post.i am taking this into perspective in this new relationship im trying to build

  6. DDM | July 7th, 2013

    well, i found myself struggling with the whole relationship thing. well i wasn’t really looking for a relationship per say, i just knew that i didn’t want to be a loner. after so many attempts, i just stopped trying. Not to say i gave up, but i began to turn my focus on other aspects in my life, like work, family, and church. one day at work, me and 2 of my fairly new coworkers decided to spend our lunch break together, me and my coworker broke the ice and found common ground, established a friendship, then a relationship. the moral of my post is simply. don’t become a hopeless romantic, love will actually find YOU when you least expect it. im a living witness!

  7. Demetrius | July 7th, 2013

    This post is so true from start to finish, I honestly can say that I continue to learn more n more each day about relationships in general especially on how to improve my own. Me and my partner had an instant connection from day 1 and a yr later, we are still 2gether but with its share of minor problems. Of course when we first met I had my wall up of course because of being scared from past relationships… and he on the other mr smooth and suave we both enjoyed one another. I would say it wasnt till the end of the yr before we had our first sexual encounter it was about 2mos. My only things in my case, if oyu are that type of person who develops feelings when you initimate with sumone, then u should wait, but in my case of being single for nearly 3.5 yrs and not being touched in a while, lol I GAVE IN!!! The only thing after that was the simple fact that we continued to pursue each other sexually and develop feelings but he didnt want to commit and give us a title. So finally after 3 mos later I told him that we not gonna be doing married folk customs n u dont wanna give a title or commit. So of course two men in a relationship both having pride is going to make way for differences of opinions. Me more emotional n him more passive we found a common ground with each n made it work and been together ever since. As Octavius says, there to be common grounds established as far as committment, time, availability, self respects and alone time. We dont stay together but because of my work schedule n his we dont see each other maybe at least 2x a wk if that, but we know we have to work on it. Since this yr of being 2gether with my partner I almost broke with him 2x due to his infidelity n trust issues, but in the end we still holding on if you able to dodge those bullets every they try to hit you,, its that bondage you 2 have that strengthens you 2. I can honestly say when being in a relationship establish your foundation early amongst one another that way you early will determine what you will tolerate and what you wont. I love my man but I honestly am not going to place all my marbles in one bag n say he is the one for me because truthfully I dont know what life is going to hold for both of us, but I know at the moment I love n cherish him with all my heart! Flaws n All! A year in a relationship with anyone, does not give your justification to assume this person is the person who you are spend the rest of your life with.
    -Blessings n Love All

  8. alton
    NYCforEVER | June 9th, 2014

    Love this article. Surprised I never noticed it before now. I agree with everything you said (for the most part), Ock. That’s why until I can find a masculine, good lookin’ dude (of any ethnic background) that’s into gardening and don’t mind gettin’ his hands dirty, and is pretty much about as “boring” as me, then I’ma be single for a lil’ while longer LOL!! Again, great article, Bro.

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