Dear Cypher Avenue,

I’m a 26 year top and was recently contacted by my 26 year old ex. He wants to get back to team “us”; meaning start over and build into a new relationship. When we were together in the past, we were only together for about 6 months. Not long I know. A year has passed since we actually have had any communication with one another.

When we began dating we both were up front about our sexual roles. I being the top and him being versatile. Now that we’re working on building another relationship, and hoping this one lasts a lifetime, the discussion of our sexual roles has come up. Being a person who knows what he likes sexually, I consider myself a top and do everything BUT bottom. I’ve bottom’d one time before (not in the relationship with my ex) and it wasn’t bad but I prefer topping.

I’m wondering if I am being selfish for not necessarily wanting to bottom. I’ve always said that if I were to fall in love and am in a happy and healthy relationship that I wouldn’t mind being a vers top. My ex/future feels that I’m being closed-minded but I feel that I just know what I like.

My question is should sexual position/role make or break a relationship?


I don’t know about this bottom stuff

What Up IDK,

Let me start with the last question first; “should sexual position or role make or break a relationship?” My answer is yes. If you are strictly – fill in the blank – then why not seek out those potential partners that fit your sexual qualifications? Yes it is selfish to be in a one sided sexual relationship and not fulfilling your partners sexual needs. However, examine this future as it relates to your letter.

Let’s look at a couple of the statements you made:

  • I’m a top.
  • I’ve been on the bottom once before.
  • I’ve been on the bottom but not with my ex.
  • Bottoming wasn’t bad even though I prefer topping.
  • I’ve said I wouldn’t mind being a versatile top if I’m in love and happy.

To me this means you don’t mind being on the bottom every once in a while or being a versatile top with the right person. In this case, to me it seems you just don’t want to bottom for your “I miss you and want to start over” ex. Whatever were the dynamics of you all’s past 6 month fling, in your mind his role is on the bottom. This is what you’re comfortable with as it relates to him sexually and there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Due to your own personal preferences, you’re selective and will not just let anybody climb up on your back. If you were comfortable with your ex, periodically being on top, you wouldn’t be seeking advice…It would be a no brainer.

Hey, I could be all wrong with my assessment but maybe team “us” needs to be “we’re exes and lets just be team friends.”

Well Cypher Ave readers, what do you think with my advice? What would your advice be to our young “mostly top” friend? Do you think sexual roles or sexual satisfaction should make or break a relationship? Share your thoughts.



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