Should I Get Back Together With My Ex?

By OckyDub | Posted Apr 30 2015 | 17 Comments  


Dear Cypher Avenue,

I’m a 26 year top and was recently contacted by my 26 year old ex. He wants to get back to team “us”; meaning start over and build into a new relationship. When we were together in the past, we were only together for about 6 months. Not long I know. A year has passed since we actually have had any communication with one another.

When we began dating we both were up front about our sexual roles. I being the top and him being versatile. Now that we’re working on building another relationship, and hoping this one lasts a lifetime, the discussion of our sexual roles has come up. Being a person who knows what he likes sexually, I consider myself a top and do everything BUT bottom. I’ve bottom’d one time before (not in the relationship with my ex) and it wasn’t bad but I prefer topping.

I’m wondering if I am being selfish for not necessarily wanting to bottom. I’ve always said that if I were to fall in love and am in a happy and healthy relationship that I wouldn’t mind being a vers top. My ex/future feels that I’m being closed-minded but I feel that I just know what I like.

My question is should sexual position/role make or break a relationship?


I don’t know about this bottom stuff

What Up IDK,

Let me start with the last question first; “should sexual position or role make or break a relationship?” My answer is yes. If you are strictly – fill in the blank – then why not seek out those potential partners that fit your sexual qualifications? Yes it is selfish to be in a one sided sexual relationship and not fulfilling your partners sexual needs. However, examine this future as it relates to your letter.

Let’s look at a couple of the statements you made:

  • I’m a top.
  • I’ve been on the bottom once before.
  • I’ve been on the bottom but not with my ex.
  • Bottoming wasn’t bad even though I prefer topping.
  • I’ve said I wouldn’t mind being a versatile top if I’m in love and happy.

To me this means you don’t mind being on the bottom every once in a while or being a versatile top with the right person. In this case, to me it seems you just don’t want to bottom for your “I miss you and want to start over” ex. Whatever were the dynamics of you all’s past 6 month fling, in your mind his role is on the bottom. This is what you’re comfortable with as it relates to him sexually and there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Due to your own personal preferences, you’re selective and will not just let anybody climb up on your back. If you were comfortable with your ex, periodically being on top, you wouldn’t be seeking advice…It would be a no brainer.

Hey, I could be all wrong with my assessment but maybe team “us” needs to be “we’re exes and lets just be team friends.”

Well Cypher Ave readers, what do you think with my advice? What would your advice be to our young “mostly top” friend? Do you think sexual roles or sexual satisfaction should make or break a relationship? Share your thoughts.



Be Cool and Take Our Advice


About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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17 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Confusing One | April 30th, 2015

    You nailed it Ocky. The brother wrote out his problem and his answer without even realizing it. Heck, he may have come to the same conclusion as soon as he hit the send button with this question to y’all. I do that all the time. lol

    This says it all ” In this case, to me it seems you just don’t want to bottom for your “I miss you and want to start over” ex.”

    Tell your ex, “it’s you not me” and keep it moving.

    • ControlledXaos | April 30th, 2015

      Yeah he’s 26 so “it’s you not me” can actually work
      Let someone tell me that and I’d just have to say respect me enough to tell me the real truth.

      Though I totally agree. I do think as a verse guy, these “one and done” tops may need to do a little more sampling. Everyone isn’t a pro at topping or bottoming and you still need to have some level of comfort with the other dude if he’s on your back. If you are nervous no you are not going to enjoy it.

      • SB3000 | April 30th, 2015

        Not to veer off.. But contrary to what u said abt the comfort level for someone on ur back, I’m actually really surprised at how some guys are so willing to just let dudes ‘into’ them. Not trying to be, but I know some ppl might see that as bias. I’ll just go ahead n own it now.

        Good advice tho @ocky cuz he’s playing all kinds of tennis in this letter.

        • Confusing One | April 30th, 2015

          Hey @SB3000 what did you mean by this statement/and bias?

          “I’m actually really surprised at how some guys are so willing to just let dudes ‘into’ them. Not trying to be, but I know some ppl might see that as bias. I’ll just go ahead n own it now.”

          • SB3000 | April 30th, 2015

            Just from the stance of “whats the diff btwn bttm/top, theyre both having sex”. I just think its the same stigma as how women would be called hoes, but no1 gives the str8 guy a hard time. Not saying its fair, but I get it.

            • ControlledXaos | May 1st, 2015

              Yes there Is nothing attractive about a loose bottom. When dudes are out here mounting safety comes and horses…

      • alton
        NYCforEVER | May 2nd, 2015

        Agreed. I’ll even go against the grain from the “default” commentary of (I’m vers but prefer to top) and say that I very much enjoy bottoming, but I RARELY do it (like, years in between sessions) not because Im afraid to say I like gettin dug out, but mainly because there’s too much prep work involved (its so much easier to be the plow than the ground LOL)and there’s a comfort level I gotta have with a dude or else it’s just gonna be awkward and uncomfortable. It does sound like homeboy just ain’t feelin his ex on that level, in which case leave it alone, otherwise they just gonna split again.

  2. BlackguyExecutive | April 30th, 2015

    I just got done reading a popular relationship book Five Love Languages since I am getting married in October and I will say that Sex is important in any relationship and if you are not sexually compatible the relationship won’t work. I also believe that everyone has sexual preference and positioning they enjoy and there is nothing wrong with liking what you like. Plain and simple. I tend to prefer the top bunk position and my guy prefers the bottom bunk position and if from time to time we want to switch it up that is fine. We came into the relationship knowing what we like and have an understanding. Secondly, I am a romantic of sorts and do think that Exes could rekindle a flame but you should also be real about it…there is a specific reason why y’all exes, a thorough review should be assessed.

    • Ocky Williams | April 30th, 2015

      What made you set a date and are you having a ceremony?

      • BlackguyExecutive | April 30th, 2015

        Set the date – October 17, 2015 and we are having a wedding. Its sorta two fold, we were not legally allowed to get married in Florida until earlier this year so we had originally tentatively set a date to get legal in Washington DC then the marriage ban was overturned. We decided on a wedding because we will be leaving the US, by this time next year because I am a Foreign Service Officer (US Diplomat). Right now I am in language training (French) and finishing up the security clearance checks. It was important for us to be married so that he would be equally as protected at me (diplomatically) while we live in a foreign country. So the wedding will be a mix of marriage and goodbyes to our friends and families.

        • Immanuel | May 13th, 2015

          Congratulations and all the best to you!

  3. pensive | May 1st, 2015

    The advice was perfect.

  4. Tjay | May 1st, 2015

    On point. If he was “in love” and actually wanted to be topped by his lover he wouldn’t ask. I personally enjoy topping more than bottoming. my lust level usually makes me dom. I’ve only met a few men that caused the “f” me please desire and they were not interested in me.

  5. Kouncelor
    Jay Tee | May 3rd, 2015

    All things being equal (top, bottom, verse), sex will not make a relationship, but bad/uncomfortable sex can destroy one.

    It seems that his issue with his ex is Sex… and it appears to be his on issue, not the ex boyfriends. That being said, those issues stil exist, thus, he needs to move on to someone who would be more compatable to where he is in his sexual life.

  6. BJinCali | May 8th, 2015

    After six months, the relationship was cooked. Love is about want. Which becomes need. Need can headlock you into doing things you normally wouldn’t. If love doesn’t roll you over, no advice given here by strangers can. Ex-sex is awesome. Have yourself some. Then, once you find some focus and clarity, you’ll open the door to the spirit that complements yours. Your ex may not be it. And that’s ok. Say goodbye…again. Or commit to doing things you seem not to want to do. Let your want answer this question and solve it.

  7. Dre G | May 15th, 2015

    I think you should never feel pressured to do anything in a relationship.If you feel like compomising with someone you care about down the line that makes sense,butthat kinda comfort has to be built up.

  8. RaidCall | June 29th, 2016

    I would say that the reasons listed above are excellent reasons for getting back together. Some of you may think certain points are controversial but don t worry. I am going to go through each reason and give you why I consider these good legitimate reasons for getting back with an ex boyfriend.

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