My partner and I recently got into a heated debate pertaining to an individual we know. During the debate my partner basically stated that I need to have more compassion and understanding. He also said that I’m too judgmental and sees things through a black or white lens with no gray. That’s not who I am the majority of the time but honestly, it just so happens this time, he was correct. This is what caused the debate.
I’m no longer friends with an individual; however my partner is still friends with the individual and they frequently communicate via phone and text. Who cares right? Well my partner was going to meet dude for lunch and that’s when my Alpha Maleness acted up. The reason me and this dude no longer share a friendship is because he is a scandalous mental nut case (I’ll explain below). With my Alpha Male knuckle dragging mentality I felt that my partner’s loyalties need to lie with me and I don’t want him talking to my former friend. In reality, I don’t care who my partner hangs out with and I know I was just being a douche because of the individual involved. In the end, my protest of “who he can and cannot hang out with” went in one ear and out the other….as it should but not before the debate ensued.
I brought up my former friend’s character and actions but the conversation soon begin to include other men that we know. My partner in essence said that he knows dude is a scandalous mental nut case but said it was not his job to pass judgment. If he is committed to being someone’s friend he has to accept them for who they are and be a shoulder to cry on when needed. He said he gives dude advice and continuously lets him know that he needs counseling. No disagreement there. He said the friendship would end between them or any of his other friends for that matter if any lines were crossed.
This article came about because of the next thing my partner said, which is something that I have also said in the past. He stated my former friend, along with other gay men that we know “are good dudes except when it comes to this homosexual gay shit”. Of course heterosexuals do wrong things but we are speaking in the context about dealing with some homo and bisexual men. Let me explain what this means.
A man is an all-around good guy. He provides for and supports his immediate or extended family. He takes care of his responsibilities. He doesn’t commit any crimes. Periodically he goes to church on Sunday. He helps old ladies cross the street and can leap tall buildings in a single bound…blah blah blah. Yep he is an all-around nice guy except when it comes to his sexuality. You see when it comes to his homosexuality he’s scandalous and messy. If he is in a relationship he is not faithful. If he is single, he seeks out men who are married or are in other gay relationships for sexual encounters. You don’t trust him around your significant other because he might make a move or he makes sexual innuendos. He likes men in relationships because he doesn’t have to worry about commitments and the fact the men in relationships are usually very discreet and secretive. Often he socializes in the same circles with the men he is having the flings with and is friends with their wife or spouse, who of course don’t know what is going on behind their back. Excuse my language for a moment…“That’s some fucked up messy ass bullshit”. This is a good person, how?
Some of the reasons for this type of behavior as described by the men committing them are; that they are sexually confused (even though they are 35 years of age or older). They have been hurt or victimized in past relationships and don’t want to be hurt again thus becoming a victimizer, Sexual Addiction or just overall insecurities pertaining to their sexuality.
You see said individual/s are great guys except when it comes to their insecurities and practices pertaining to their homosexuality. Many years ago, my former friend was in a gay relationship and he told me about the foundation and go forward strategy between him and his partner (also a nut case). Once they hit the five year mark of their relationship, they would seek out girlfriends in hopes to make them their wives and start families, all the while keeping their gay relationship intact and secret. All because both thought homosexuality was wrong and didn’t want to go to hell. Yes, seriously.
Six years later after threesomes and infidelity that was committed by both, my former friend’s partner (who was very active in his church community) got engaged to the pastor’s daughter. My former friend found out through social media that his partner was engaged and that their relationship was over. He was overcome with grief.
From almost the beginning to the end of their relationship he would call me and tell me about their problems. He felt he could seek my advice because I was logical, didn’t sugar coat anything and I would be extremely blunt and honest. I thought I could be and had to be because as men and friends, we should be. At any time throughout my “telling it like it is” I would always suggest therapy or counseling.
After his break up, the sexual encounters with married men continued. My “telling it like it is” went up a notch. My line of thinking was “now that you have experienced a devastating emotional break up, why would you participate in something that could end families? Why are you seeking out married men”? Our conversations were now tense and became inconveniences because my blunt ethical and moralistic message was now interfering with the gloating of his sexual accomplishments. Instead of taking time to address insecurities he side stepped and over looked them. Everything seems fine on the surface and in public but when alone he continues to live in unhappiness and unfulfillment. Up until the end of our friendship, I stressed to him instead of seeking married men, seek therapy. Our friendship ended because I was too judgmental, lacked compassion and understanding, (let him tell it) unlike my partner who many view as a father figure and full of wisdom.
My former friend grew tired of my constant ethical rants and moral condemnations. How dare I tell him that it’s wrong to have sex with a married man when you are friends with his wife? I dare I say you are a stereotype and a part of the reason why many view masculine gay men as hiding, being deceitful and on the DL? Over the years I grew tired of hearing the same man talk about the same issues while putting forth no energy to grow and evolve. Is he a good man except when it pertains to his sexual behaviors?
I don’t wear my sexuality on my sleeve nonetheless it is a part of the totality of who I am. My sexuality is not a personality or behavioral flaw. My morals and ethics don’t end simply because I am attracted to other men. My integrity doesn’t end simply because my penis gets hard. My insecurities are not an excuse (maybe a reason) for me to be deceptive and devious. I like to think my moralistic attributes and ethics are stellar. I take pride in them; therefore I hold my partner and my friend/s to those same standards. As an adult man, I do have some close acquaintances but currently I have just two people I consider friends; my partner and the co-founder of this website. I don’t worry about infidelity from my partner; if I did we wouldn’t be together. I don’t worry about my friend deceiving me, flirting with or making a move on my partner; if I did he wouldn’t be my friend. We share many of the same moralistic codes of conduct that should exist between male friends, brothers and lovers.
Our sexuality is not an instrument to be used for the mistreatment of ourselves and others. Strive to be a good person, regardless of your sexuality.
I’m a man and I’m a good person.