[QUESTION] Single Black Gay Men: Why Do You Even WANT To Be In A Relationship?!

By Nick Delmacy | Posted Dec 30 2015 | 49 Comments  

brockmilan

This question came to me recently while discussing Dating and Relationships with my fellow Cypher Avenue Squad Members. If all the examples and discussions we have about Relationships are from a negative perspective, why do so many single black gay men want to be in one so badly?

Think about it. It seems like every time we’re discussing black gay couples, its from a salacious, messy or drama-filled perspective: He was flirting with other men. He cheated on him. He gave him HIV. He outed him to his family. He was always broke and never had a job. He just used him. They fought all the time. They argued constantly.

The list goes on.

Very rarely do black gay men actually in relationships share the joys and benefits to their unions. The blogs, videos, articles and lectures are always about how to respond to crisis in a relationship, not reasons why they’re good to acquire in the first place.

Even our black gay web series all feature dysfunctional relationships. From Freefall to The Triangle to Tha Life Atlanta, nothing is presented to make one think being in a black gay relationship is anything but a headache.

Many of the celebrated black gay couples we’ve seen in media have since split, making one question if a long term black gay relationship is even possible. It’s as if these drama filled real-life relationships are actually just extended seasons of social media publicized black gay web series starring themselves.

We had two good seasons of “Kordale + Kaleb” directed by Lamont Pierre featuring two melodramatic black gay dads struggling to raise 3 kids on their own.

kordale-and-kaleb

Then we had 3 seasons of “Kappa Alpha Psi Love You” directed by Noah’s Arc creator Patrik-ian Polk about two black gay fraternity members’ rocky life after marriage.

kappa-gay-wedding-16x91

No, these aren’t actually web series to be found on Youtube, but they might as well have been since their relationships were well documented in detail for the world to see on Facebook and Twitter. Even both couples’ eventual breakups were well publicized:

Kordale and Kaleb’s Break Up

Nathanael Gay and Robert Brown’s Divorce

So if many of our public examples of black gay relationships end in break ups, petty social media attacks, drama and divorce, why do so many black gay men STILL obsess about being in one?

And I mean obsess. Men will risk getting robbed from solo Jackd meetups, pay hard earned money to dating sites, even “date” men halfway across the country, all to achieve the title of “Boyfriend” and “Relationship.”

Before you answer with over-simplified reasons like “companionship,” I’d argue that companionship can be achieved without the drama that seemingly comes from being in a relationship. On top of that, many men in relationships often tell me they STILL feel lonely at times, even with a boyfriend.

Is it the desire for consistent sex? You can easily achieve this without the relationship banner. Maybe its the desire for consistent UNPROTECTED sex, something some men say they will only do in a monogamous relationship. Considering that 99.9% of the men I’ve personally spoken to with HIV said they got it from unprotected sex with “a partner they trusted,” I’d argue that’s not a great reason to rush to get coupled up.

The only other obvious reason I can see is many single black gay men want the photo opportunities…they want the manifestation of the fantasy in their head of what a black gay relationship is supposed to look like. They see photos of the men like the ones shown above and they say, “I want that too.”

They don’t take account the costs of living out that fantasy.

One of the problems is that there is no balance in the propaganda of relationships. Hardly any of the men actually in relationships EVER discuss the positive reasons to be in one in the first place. They just share loving photos of them together.

milan-miles-1

Besides these “they look cute together” visuals, we get no positive affirmations or reasons to enlist in the infamous Relationship Status. All we hear is relief from them that they’ve made it through another day as if they were soldiers in Afghanistan. Seriously, talk to someone in a relationship and you’ll hear a loooong sigh then them saying, “It’s a lot of work, chile.”

Yet everyone who is single still wants what they have. It’s like being President of the United States, it seems like the worse job to have: constant crisis, decisions scrutinized and outsiders constantly trying to take your job (and even kill you)…yet this election cycle we actually have TOO MANY ppl running in the position, not too few.

Oh sure, there may be Love (and lust) involved…but is that the only reason to be in a relationship? You want to love and have someone love you back? If the track record for black gay love shows us that it will eventually lead you to this:

Is it worth it?

I guess one could also make a case that successful positive black gay relationships aren’t spoken about because the topic would be “boring.” If that’s the case, I disagree with that stance wholeheartedly. There are tons of helpful and inspiring topics celebrating black gay relationships that could be had.

Even on this website, most of the discussions are about how to fix already damaged people or already troubled relationships.

Where is the inspiring “Anniversary Ideas for Black Gay Couples” article?

Where is the affirming “15 Reasons why you ARE relationship material” article?

Admittedly, Cypher Avenue editor Octavius Williams has published quite a few positive podcasts featuring his 6-year partner. And there are examples out there like The D.L. Chronicles creators The Gossfields and Gee and Juan Sessions of Love Works, but is that enough to make the case that it’s a goal worth achieving?

So I ask the question again, besides the need for companionship…besides the desire for (potentially) consistent sex…

Why do you even want to be in a relationship in the first place? What does “being in a relationship” even mean to you?

 

About the Author
Nick Delmacy

Nick is a founder, editor and the pop culture expert at Cypher Avenue. Serving as the designer and webmaster of the site, he is the architect of The Cypher Avenue Matrix.

   

49 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. African King
    African King | December 30th, 2015
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    I know that I want to be in a relationship eventually because I think that it is fundamental to the human experience. No man is an island. I am typically a loner but I am personable. I have been single for 26 years and I don't have a problem with that however, I do want to enter a new chapter in my life by exploring relationships and dating. This has NOTHING to do with the fact that 2016 is around the corner.

    I do know (of) couples, str8 or gay/bi/queer, that talk about how relationships are WORK. But just because something is work and both people love one another doesn't mean it is something that should not be pursued. You know the saying, "it is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all"? I believe in that. In life whether we are discussing relationships with a significant other, business deals, family/friend relationships, and so on there are highs and lows. There is joy and there is also pain. Just because there are the bad parts does not mean we should not pursue relationships.

    As for the media depictions of relationships, it is unfortunate that on a broad spectrum that it is mostly NEGATIVE. I can only speak for myself in saying that I have met several (masculine) black gay married (or committed) couples that have been together anywhere from 3 years to over 30 years while out here in South Florida. I have many positive representations of what a (black and gay) relationship should look like. I am not worried. Seeing them and learning all the valuable lessons I have gathered from them let's me know that it is possible for not only myself, but for everyone who participates on Cypher Avenue on the regular.

    I know I want to be in a relationship because I want a companion that is my best friend, lover and confidant. I want to understand all of the feelings that I've been hearing about in my favorite genre of music for the past 26 years —– Rhythm & Blues (R&B). I don't want anything to do with social media and all that. I just want that old school love like Lupe Fiasco and Ed Sheeran talked about on that song. You know what I'm sayin'? I want that love that feels like 90s R&B. Can you feel what I'm saying here tho?!

  2. SB3
    SB3 | December 30th, 2015
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    Eventho this post isnt reflective of me personally, I had to chime in this once. If u stopped to remove the gay equation, then it might just be for all of the same reasons as our str8 counterparts.

    I think many of us, especially those of us who dont wear gay on our sleeves 24/7, just may get to witness some of the great perks we see among the str8s in our lives, who happen to be in relationships.

    N these are my peers, who are many years strong. N while I may be more selective about the settings in which I socialize w them these days, the reasoning is def not that i want a mate because Im the only one who doesnt have one. It's because I respect all of the love n care displayed when Im around them, n I want that too.

    Thankfully for me, I dont have all of the stories of messy/inconsistent/always looking for a chance to bail at any hurdle/social media photo opp/_____ gay couples to leave a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to whats possible in a relationship.

  3. grownman
    grownman | December 30th, 2015
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    I want to be in one "eventually" because I want the partnership, union of love that I can't from get from family and friends.I believe that just because relationships fail doesn't make them less valued. I won't get the same bond that will come from a "relationship." Why can't we see 2 masculine men flourishing together without beating each other physically. No competition, wiling to be wrong and submit to each other.
    If no one takes that risk? 30 years from now we will be in the same space asking the same old tired questions. I will admit now that my attitude is gone.I didn't know that the young fraternity couple were not together. It would not have been posted.

    But, that won't be every gay couples reality. Just because those are not highlighted doesn't mean they don't exist. Every one argues whether you are in a sexual relationship are not. That is part of our human make up. We cry when we get are ass whopped, by parents, someone dies, or losing a job. We can't let that be a reason to block ourselves from one of the highest and intimate love possible.

  4. cypher21
    cypher21 | December 31st, 2015
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    I must have missed this earlier somehow lol I'm been on here all day practically!

    Like African King, I my reason for wanting a relationship is mainly to simply experience what that's like for once. I love experiencing new things, people, places..it keeps me going, helps me grow as a human being and everyone needs that. You bring up good points though I will admit, if there's one thing I got from this it was a reminder that relationships aren't easy. But nothing in life worth having ever is, am I correct?

    I think the gay community need a lot work as it becomes more socially acceptable, because right now all these bad examples of relationships come from people who quite frankly aren't prepared for a good one. They are broken in so many ways, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that it's difficult for them to be stable enough to make things last. This problem isn't just in gay relationships and I'm not trying to be Dr.Phil, I just think a lot people do get in relationships for the "wrong" reasons or reasons that don't hold any substance like for appearances or status. No strong foundations.

  5. BlackExcellence
    BlackExcellence | December 31st, 2015
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    Well for me initially I wanted a relationship because I was tired of the empty hook ups and the doing the "online thing". I also started hanging around other gays and saw some people in healthy relationships and wanted that for myself. I eventually met a guy and we really dug each other. While it didn't last when it was good, it was really good, and thats a feeling that no friend or relative can give you. So yes it's a lotta work and yes a lot of gay relationships are dysfunctional but it's human nature to think you'll be different or that 1% that work. It's why people keep going to law school or playing the lottery.

  6. ControlledXaos | December 31st, 2015
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    I think people like the idea and potential of not being single. People want the good parts but people also don't want to deal with the bad. Because people share everything on social media, notice how you see only the good parts… The beach photos, the club nights, the morning after bed shots… Then when it's bad, it's really bad. So people see the extremes but not the "why you leave your dirty draws on the bathroom flo? Why you don't ever use a coaster? Why did you buy this Xbox game when you haven't even beaten the 8 you already have?"

    Small minor things like that can evolve into larger ones over time. People need to understand that small petty stuff like that can be worked on but there's more to a relationship than muscles, sex, and sharing clothes.

    I watch Divorce Court and I Lynn Toler usually hits it right on the head with her advice. Everyone could learn a lot about how to deal with people in relationships on that show. One thing she says alot is how many times women spend a lot of time looking for a mate to complete them. People should stop looking for that person to complete them and fill their time with doing things and going places that give them a full life. Eventually you'll find people who are right for you when you do this.

    However I also know that men are visual so they want the low body fat dude with the nice clothes, swag, perfect sex organs, college educated, with the six figure job, luxury car, fly condo, who goes into work late on Mondays and gets off early every Friday that they can show off to all of their friends and social media. Good luck finding that and a relationship that's worth a Damn too.

  7. grownman
    grownman | December 31st, 2015
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    ControlledXaosI think people like the idea and potential of not being single. People want the good parts but people also don't want to deal with the bad. Because people share everything on social media, notice how you see only the good parts… The beach photos, the club nights, the morning after bed shots… Then when it's bad, it's really bad. So people see the extremes but not the "why you leave your dirty draws on the bathroom flo? Why you don't ever use a coaster? Why did you buy this Xbox game when you haven't even beaten the 8 you already have?"

    Small minor things like that can evolve into larger ones over time. People need to understand that small petty stuff like that can be worked on but there's more to a relationship than muscles, sex, and sharing clothes.

    I watch Divorce Court and I Lynn Toler usually hits it right on the head with her advice. Everyone could learn a lot about how to deal with people in relationships on that show. One thing she says alot is how many times women spend a lot of time looking for a mate to complete them. People should stop looking for that person to complete them and fill their time with doing things and going places that give them a full life. Eventually you'll find people who are right for you when you do this.

    However I also know that men are visual so they want the low body fat dude with the nice clothes, swag, perfect sex organs, college educated, with the six figure job, luxury car, fly condo, who goes into work late on Mondays and gets off early every Friday that they can show off to all of their friends and social media. Good luck finding that and a relationship that's worth a Damn too.

  8. grownman
    grownman | December 31st, 2015
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    Y'all all are going in DAMN! SB3 and now your ASS!

    It's true…

  9. The Truth | December 31st, 2015
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    Gaylebrity Couple Update: Kordale + Kaleb of Gaylanta are back together. If you don't believe me check out their instagram (at least they were last week for sure). And everyone should aspire to relationships I think because we're not meant to be autonomous. But despite that fact, most black gay men are not relationship material and can only maintain shallow relationships from my observation. Most of my black gay friends are single of all ages (20s – 40s) and I don't see that changing anytime soon ….. I'm the only one who is not single and live with my partner which I feel so lucky to be able to say that. But I always knew I was gonna fall in love, be in a relationship, and move in with my partner years before it happened. Not to sound conceited but I'm a catch and I knew that out of all the options that wanted me I would eventually find something worth keeping. But I been through a bunch of stupid ass dudes that completely was a waste of time before I met my match, glad that's over. Happy 2016 Guys!

  10. The Truth | December 31st, 2015
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    But what's f**ked up about Kordale + Kaleb is that the one with the dreads was consistently f**king guys from Jack'd at the house he shared with ole boy which is why I'm sure why they broke up (I don't know them apart b/c I just don't care too) and on top of that he's very physically and verbally abuse. I know someone who knows both of them well and he just randomly started telling me all their business and how he doubts they will stay back together long … I mean old habits die hard. I'm pretty sure he's still f**king stray Nikkas and beating the shyt out the light skinned one.

  11. DFW Brutha
    DFW Brutha | December 31st, 2015
    0

    For those uncomfortable/discontent with their solo status, there does seem to be an epidemic among them.

    The contagions:
    1) Cuffing season is in full swing…

    2) Adele is single-handedly converting dudes into emotional fem-bots…

  12. Omega Level
    Omega Level | January 2nd, 2016
    0

    The bottom line is its 100% unnatural to be alone. Yes, you can have moments in your life that being single is ideal. But as a human being, no matter what INTIMATE companionship thats more than sex but indeed sex is involved is apart of the human experience. And not even the human experience, Fish often swim in schools, Birds fly in flocks, Lion in prides, Flowers grow with other flowers. etc.

    I know that analogy can be reaching, but you get my general point of solitude as being unnatural. Yes friends and family can feed certain needs but know matter what the intimate connection, love, emotions, care, passion, friendliness, laughter, pain, and joy you can experience with a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband is something that can NEVER be filled by friends or family.

    So to answer your initial question,

    Why do you even want to be in a relationship in the first place?

    Because its a fundamental part of the human experience as well as a relationship is something I want that can often be more substantial than a friend or family member in many ways. Unadulterated intimacy mind, body, spirit, soul.

    What does “being in a relationship” even mean to you?

    It ultimately doesn't mean anything to me in terms of a "badge of honor" or "I was chosen".

    Seems like the way that question is asked is a passive aggressive way of insinuating something like that. The quotes and EVEN in the question Nick, really? Yeah.

    Its meaning for me would just be more the action of being present, working at it, growth, reliability, and a host of other things I would be committed to doing because this is the dude I love.

    • The Truth | January 3rd, 2016
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      Omega LevelThe bottom line is its 100% unnatural to be alone. Yes, you can have moments in your life that being single is ideal. But as a human being, no matter what INTIMATE companionship thats more than sex but indeed sex is involved is apart of the human experience. And not even the human experience, Fish often swim in schools, Birds fly in flocks, Lion in prides, Flowers grow with other flowers. etc.

      Well said man! There was a time in my life when being single was cool and ideal. But now, I doubt I'll be able to be take being single for longer than 2 years. Yesterday, I went to this cool black gay kickback and several guys were coming up to me and my partner telling us how cute we were together and trying to vicariously live through us by asking us person questions about our relationship and asking us to play matchmaker for them. There's simply not enough black gay couples despite there's apparently a desire for them …. last night we were the only gay couple to my knowledge, I think I seen one other lesbian couple.

  13. Omega Level
    Omega Level | January 2nd, 2016
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    On another note, its funny because I do agree after reading Nicks post on this that yes, many gay dudes want the photo optics of being in a relationship as well as many other reasons that are not ideal reasons to be in a relationship.

    However, I don't think gay men are any more different than straight people in that. Many humans want to be in a relationship. I know you will use the comparison of gay men and women going through that relationship "obsession". But I see and even personally know straight men that want a relationship as well. It can often just be a human need or want at points in your life.

    BTW, its nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. Doesn't mean they are or can be obsessed with it.

    Its also funny to me when single people get on the pedestal and say things like "i don't want a man or need a man" or "oh nah, I'm so happy being single" or whatever other MILLION quotes single people use as a defense mechanism for their intimate loneliness. Not that you don't feel that way at times in your life, but please, we can see through that S-ish.

    For instance, its SOOOOOOOO obvious Nick wants a relationship. :iverson:

    Ha. Have a good day man.

  14. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 2nd, 2016
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    Omega LevelFor instance, its SOOOOOOOO obvious Nick wants a relationship. :iverson:

    Ha. Have a good day man.

    LOL I think the only thing that's obvious is that I like dating, not necessarily that I want a relationship. I think a lot of dudes (even yourself and many others in this thread) can't articulate a real reason why they want a "relationship" other than they want Loneliness Insurance, Consistent Sex with one person, or "just because its what people do."

    Hardly anyone clearly articulated that they want to build a partnership with a person for collective intimate, financial and mental reasons. Or that they want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well.

    Also, I found it VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover, the primary reason that many heterosexuals give for wanting to get married.

    The reasons given, even by yourself, were very inward "I, Me, My" wants thinking. Hardly any were given from an outward "We, Us, Our" goals and future perspective thinking. The "seeds growing into a garden" thinking.

    Black gay men seem to want relationships to fill some void or something missing in their lives (be it companionship, sex, insecurity, loneliness, envy of heterosexuals, etc). While this also happens with many heterosexuals, I'd say its more predominant in the Gay community.

  15. Omega Level
    Omega Level | January 2nd, 2016
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    Nick DelmacyLOL I think the only thing that's obvious is that I like dating, not necessarily that I want a relationship. I think a lot of dudes (even yourself and many others in this thread) can't articulate a real reason why they want a "relationship" other than they want Loneliness Insurance, Consistent Sex with one person, or "just because its what people do."

    Hardly anyone clearly articulated that they want to build a partnership with a person for collective intimate, financial and mental reasons. Or that they want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well.

    Also, I found it VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover, the primary reason that many heterosexuals give for wanting to get married.

    The reasons given, even by yourself, were very inward "I, Me, My" wants thinking. Hardly any were given from an outward "We, Us, Our" goals and future perspective thinking. The "seeds growing into a garden" thinking.

    Black gay men seem to want relationships to fill some void or something missing in their lives (be it companionship, sex, insecurity, loneliness, envy of heterosexuals, etc). While this also happens with many heterosexuals, I'd say its more predominant in the Gay community.

    I agree totally when you say "want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well." That indeed is one of many great reasons I would like to have a relationship.

    But man, when you say "VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover".

    Well, I can't speak for the other members that responded but for me, I didn't say that cause I DONT WANT THAT SH*T. lol. (and by that Sh*t, I mean the children/kid thing).

    I have never been a kid person and I merely tolerate them when around. Im not an asshole to them or nothing, but in my personal space (apt,condo,home) I prefer not. Bruh, Im very Oprah with it when it comes to that. (go ahead and make your jokes about the Oprah comparison Nick) but you get my gist). Meaning that my partner and I could volunteer or give back to organizations, kids, etc. Then take our ass back home and make dinner reservations or plan a trip somewhere with ZERO obligations of a child. So thats why I didn't say that part. But thats just me. I respect people who want to build nuclear families and even if I was dating someone who wanted that, but ultimately that not me and thats the part that would probably make me realize we are not compatible in what we want.

    What I like about being gay is that we can choose to curate our lives in any way we want and do not have to conform to the idealogies of what a marriage or relationship supposedly "is". Straight people can as well but, many are not brave enough so they have kids and the outlandish wedding because its expected from family, friends, etc. I never understand when gay men get married and it looks so traditional like bride, groom, friends on each side…..Yikes ( I'm vomiting) Ha. But to each is own. Im rabbling.

    BTW, I think the reasons given from the "inward I, Me, My" is because this was a question referring to the first person specifically.
    (Why do YOU want to be in a relationship?).

    I could start speaking french with the We want this and We would do that, but right now its from my perspective of what I would like in the relationship. Once in it, the french talk will commence and its about compromise because this is my dude.

    • The Truth | January 3rd, 2016
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      Omega LevelI agree totally when you say "want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well." That indeed is one of many great reasons I would like to have a relationship.

      But man, when you say "VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover".

      Well, I can't speak for the other members that responded but for me, I didn't say that cause I DONT WANT THAT SH*T. lol. (and by that Sh*t, I mean the children/kid thing).

      I think Nick is almost permanently tainted when it comes to the thought of black gay men carrying healthy sentiments about romantic relationships lol. It's always "agree to disagree" when someone tells the truth on it but at least he kindly acknowledged your excellent comment.

  16. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 2nd, 2016
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    Omega LevelI agree totally when you say "want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well." That indeed is one of many great reasons I would like to have a relationship.

    But man, when you say "VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover".

    Well, I can't speak for the other members that responded but for me, I didn't say that cause I DONT WANT THAT SH*T. lol. (and by that Sh*t, I mean the children/kid thing).

    I have never been a kid person and I merely tolerate them when around. Im not an asshole to them or nothing, but in my personal space (apt,condo,home) I prefer not. Bruh, Im very Oprah with it when it comes to that. (go ahead and make your jokes about the Oprah comparison Nick) but you get my gist). Meaning that my partner and I could volunteer or give back to organizations, kids, etc. Then take our ass back home and make dinner reservations or plan a trip somewhere with ZERO obligations of a child. So thats why I didn't say that part. But thats just me. I respect people who want to build nuclear families and even if I was dating someone who wanted that, but ultimately that not me and thats the part that would probably make me realize we are not compatible in what we want.

    What I like about being gay is that we can choose to curate our lives in any way we want and do not have to conform to the idealogies of what a marriage or relationship supposedly "is". Straight people can as well but, many are not brave enough so they have kids and the outlandish wedding because its expected from family, friends, etc. I never understand when gay men get married and it looks so traditional like bride, groom, friends on each side…..Yikes ( I'm vomiting) Ha. But to each is own. Im rabbling.

    BTW, I think the reasons given from the "inward I, Me, My" is because this was a question referring to the first person specifically.
    (Why do YOU want to be in a relationship?).

    I could start speaking french with the We want this and We would do that, but right now its from my perspective of what I would like in the relationship. Once in it, the french talk will commence and its about compromise because this is my dude.

    Okay cool, Agree to disagree.

    I only mentioned the family/child thing as one example of externally motivated reasons why a person may want a relationship/marriage.

    This may have appeared to be a first person question only welcoming a first person response, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the answers had to all be selfishly motivated. If I were an interviewer for a job and asked, "Why do YOU want to work for this company?" An answer about how great the company is, the coworkers, the environment, its reputation, the potential for advancement, its role in the city/state/country would be perfectly acceptable and likely get bonus points.

    Again, to each his own. Thanks for adding to the discussion!

  17. Jaa
    Jaa | January 2nd, 2016
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    Nick DelmacyHardly anyone clearly articulated that they want to build a partnership with a person for collective intimate, financial and mental reasons. Or that they want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well….

    Black gay men seem to want relationships to fill some void or something missing in their lives (be it companionship, sex, insecurity, loneliness, envy of heterosexuals, etc). While this also happens with many heterosexuals, I'd say its more predominant in the Gay community.

    I don't know. Maybe you've encountered more examples than I have, but I think if you ask most straight people why they want a relationship, the general response would boil down to because "It's what people do" or "I want what my parent(s) had/didn't have" or "Humans are social creatures". Some might even respond with a side eye thinking, "What kind of dumb question is that?" since many believe that those not seeking relationships are weird or must have something wrong with them or some kind of secret. When people meet older single people, they often assume there must be some kind of reasoning for them to be in this "abnormal" state once past a certain age. I feel like it seems more predominant in the gay community because of the lack of apparent successful long-term healthy relationships.

    Of course, I've encountered straight couples whose relationships seem happy and healthy and made their long-term relationships work, but I bet many of them entered those relationships just because that's what people do or because they'd rather have safer, consistent sex with one partner rather than do hookups. And many do it to start families, which seems like another thing many do because it's just what people do or because their parents did so why not follow their example. I really don't think most people put much thought into the why. I don't know if it matters much as long as they want the best for themselves and their partner and their reasons aren't clearly unhealthy or putting themselves on a collision course to pain and heartbreak, like those who stay together solely to maintain a relationship status despite regularly feeling unhappy, disrespected or even endangered.

    And wanting "to build a partnership with a person for collective intimate, financial and mental reasons" seems like something that would come later when a couple is determining the future of their relationship and considering going long-term, getting married or planning to build a family. And seeking partnership for mental reasons sounds like a huge red flag. I see people online all the time lamenting how depressed they are, thinking that they'd be happy if only they were in a relationship. A person should probably do some soul searching if they feel their mental or financial stability is reliant on a relationship, and they'd have a hard time getting into one in the first place if their prospects knew the whole story on that matter.

    And to answer the question, I'm not currently seeking a relationship. I might enjoy a consistent friends with benefits type of arrangement but not more, at the moment.

  18. African King
    African King | January 2nd, 2016
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    So @Nick Delmacy I see you enjoy dating but do you not desire to be in a LTR eventually?

  19. Jaa
    Jaa | January 2nd, 2016
    0

    Also, I'm not totally sure what a "relationship" means to me. I imagine my ideal relationship would be someone who's like a best friend who happens to have a mutual attraction to me. The qualities I've found in my closest friends like reliability, looking out for one another, wanting the best for one another, cool sense of humor, fun companionship, easy to talk to, providing a satisfying exchange of ideas and interests…are all things I'd like in a lover.

    For me, the initial stages of a relationship may primarily be consistent physical intimacy with a really good friend who pledges to only be intimate with me, and if it goes long-term it would be he and I pledging our lives to one another because we have similar life goals and mutually believe that our continued joining seems like the best course for both of our lives to follow. And that definition may change if we pursued an open relationship. That's not something I foresee for myself (maybe some kind of "we play together with others" setup) but I'm not adamantly opposed to it. It also wouldn't apply to long-distance relationships since physical intimacy would be few and far between, which is why I'd avoid that situation. However, if I met a dude who truly seemed better than all the rest, whose company has enriched my life in ways that no other has, I doubt I'd let some temporary distance break us up.

    But my best friendships have sometimes seemed like relationships that simply lacked mutual attraction and sex. We looked out for each other, listened to one another vent, made one another laugh, occasionally gave each other gifts, told one another secrets, occasionally teamed up on projects. Main difference is we're not regularly declaring our love for one another (though it's happened occasionally in a platonic, often drunken manner) or wondering about relationship timeline-stuff like meeting each other's parents, though that sometimes happens too at gatherings. Though I don't want a relationship right now, it seems like my most likely reason for seeking one later would be safer (presumably, since people do lie and cheat), consistent sex with someone whose presence I enjoy, or trying to lock down someone who meets that elusive "really good friend with mutual attraction and goals" criteria. I mean, if I find someone who I'm generally happier with than without and we want to sample each other's goods and we find compatibility in the companionship, sexual and future planning areas, why not commit to them?

    But it's not something I'm specifically seeking at the moment. If someone fitting that criteria incidentally approached me about beginning a relationship, it would be bad timing. Maybe they would wait and give me an opportunity to address some things that I feel could negatively affect a relationship, maybe they'd move on and I'd be SOL. Maybe they'd be one of those fixer-upper types that likes a troubled man, which may be a bad sign and possibly signal incompatibility. Anyway, I'm not when or if I'll seek a relationship. If the opportunity arises with a good dude who's on a similar path and our union seems like it would be mutually beneficial for both of our long-term mental and emotional states, I'll probably give it a try.

    And now I may see what you were getting at about partnering for mental reasons. If you're happier with someone than without them (but not in an unhealthy way like "I know he beats me/is unfaithful/makes me cry, but I can't imagine myself without him and fear being alone"), why not be with them? I'm not sure but that makes more sense than what I referred to in my previous post.

  20. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 2nd, 2016
    0

    JaaI don't know. Maybe you've encountered more examples than I have, but I think if you ask most straight people why they want a relationship, the general response would boil down to because "It's what people do" or "I want what my parent(s) had/didn't have" or "Humans are social creatures". Some might even respond with a side eye thinking, "What kind of dumb question is that?" since many believe that those not seeking relationships are weird or must have something wrong with them or some kind of secret.

    The only thing I'll disagree with is this. I don't believe many straight people say, "just because" in response to that question.

    For example, just out of curiosity, I just Googled "why do you want to be in a relationship" to see what the heteros had to say about it. The first search result was this "Are You In A Relationship For The Right Reasons?" where it says (amongst other things):

    If you are a person who wants to be in a relationship, have you thought about why? Actually, there are two very different reasons for wanting a relationship. The first is about what you want to get, and the second is about what you want to learn and share.

    Rather than needing a partner to complete us, we desire to share our completeness with our partner.

    When two people come together to get love rather than to learn, heal and share love, there is a strong possibility that their relationship won't last. With both partners trying to get loved and filled by the other, and neither one having learned to love and fill themselves, each will ultimately be disappointed. Very often, one or both might believe they've picked the wrong partner.

    When two people come together because they want to learn together, grow together, heal together, share their time and companionship, and share their love and passion, they have a good chance of creating a lasting, loving relationship.

    I feel like there are a lot of true statements there. When so many in the black gay community try to use a relationship or the idea of a relationship as a "fix" for what's damaging them, making them feel unloved, etc, it leads to a reality in which I described in the original article: Broken people displaying broken relationships both in reality and in fiction.

    Again, I know the positive relationships exist, for some reason they have chosen to not be examples publicly, they have not chosen to write testimonies about their unions and why they are valuable, and they have chosen to not create films/books/series that display the positive side of black gay relationships. There are a small number of examples, but def not equal to what one would expect.

  21. KritiKal Analysis
    KritiKal Analysis | January 2nd, 2016
    0

    I agree with some of the sentiments listed earlier. I think that the hookups are beginning to get old. I still enjoy a good one but that is not all I want to be – especially when some of those hookups are dudes who actually have some substance. I can give you a d**n good time and have you saying my name for hours, but after that you don't hear from them again. I would just like some consistency and someone I genuinely give a d**n about.

  22. Tyroc
    Tyroc | January 4th, 2016
    0

    Omega LevelThe bottom line is its 100% unnatural to be alone. Yes, you can have moments in your life that being single is ideal. But as a human being, no matter what INTIMATE companionship thats more than sex but indeed sex is involved is apart of the human experience. And not even the human experience, Fish often swim in schools, Birds fly in flocks, Lion in prides, Flowers grow with other flowers. etc.

    I hear this a WHOLE lot in my life.
    From my co-workers, friends, family members, acquaintances, etc.
    I used to feel this way myself.
    I spend as much time as I humanly can with my Sister and my niece but I like my alone time .
    I thought being alone was the worst fate imaginable and didn't think I could do it until I did.
    I will always cherish and love my partner from my first long term relationship, we had 10yrs of heaven and hell between us but I don't miss how weak and dependent it made me.
    I don't discount love, true love at least. I just look at all of the relationship's I know, straight, gay, married, dating and I look at all that they deal with and at this point I actually think of it as more natural than being in a relationship.

  23. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 6th, 2016
    0

    TyrocI hear this a WHOLE lot in my life.
    From my co-workers, friends, family members, acquaintances, etc.
    I used to feel this way myself.
    I spend as much time as I humanly can with my Sister and my niece but I like my alone time .
    I thought being alone was the worst fate imaginable and didn't think I could do it until I did.
    I will always cherish and love my partner from my first long term relationship, we had 10yrs of heaven and hell between us but I don't miss how weak and dependent it made me.
    I don't discount love, true love at least. I just look at all of the relationship's I know, straight, gay, married, dating and I look at all that they deal with and at this point I actually think of it as more natural than being in a relationship.

    media
    media
    media

  24. OhSheit
    OhSheit | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Now that you got the response you were looking for, guess you can close this?

    This shyt is depressing.

  25. Aejae
    Aejae | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Well for me, I don't like hearing about couples breaking up, especially our black SGL couples, because there aren't that many of them. With that being said, I do LOVE being by myself. It's something I've been used to ever since , well forever, even when I was a child. I think that for me, I wold like to be in a relationship because I want that feeling of "having sex with your best friend" almost all the time. And like every body else, I like going through Facebook/Tumblr/Instagram and seeing pictures of couples and wanting that for myself, with also thinking about the responsibilities it takes to be in a relationship as well. (I told myself to make this short but oh well).

  26. Discordant
    Discordant | January 6th, 2016
    0

    I want one for the mutual emotional support. The shared experiences. The mutual vulnerability. The strength. The compensation for each others' weaknesses. The inside jokes. The security. The intimacy. ?And yes, even the combined purchasing power.

  27. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitNow that you got the response you were looking for, guess you can close this?

    This shyt is depressing.

    Except for yours, I got a lot of good responses actually, lol.

    Besides, you're too young and inexperienced to be depressed about dating already based on a couple threads on a message board. :nope:

  28. grownman
    grownman | January 6th, 2016
    0

    DiscordantI want one for the mutual emotional support. The shared experiences. The mutual vulnerability. The strength. The compensation for each others' weaknesses. The inside jokes. The security. The intimacy. ?And yes, even the combined purchasing power.

    Damn. Yes.

  29. OhSheit
    OhSheit | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Nick DelmacyExcept for yours, I got a lot of good responses actually, lol.

    Besides, you're too young and inexperienced to be depressed about dating already based on a couple threads on a message board. :nope:

    I was actually talking about your responses in this thread. Seemed condescending, this whole thing actually. But maybe I'm wrong.

    But good to know that the ageism is real here, I'll remember this. :sass2:

  30. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitI was actually talking about your responses in this thread. Seemed condescending, this whole thing actually. But maybe I'm wrong.

    But good to know that the ageism is real here, I'll remember this. :sass2:

    media

  31. Tyroc
    Tyroc | January 6th, 2016
    0
  32. cypher21
    cypher21 | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Nick Delmacy
    media

  33. OhSheit
    OhSheit | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Nick Delmacy
    media

    So there you have it folks, this why Nick Delmacy is single.

  34. cypher21
    cypher21 | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitSo there you have it folks, this why Nick Delmacy is single.

    NOT RIHANNA!!! LOL
    *Vital Signs Zero*….

  35. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitSo there you have it folks, this why Nick Delmacy is single.

    You know I still luh you doe…You my lil Souja Boy…

  36. ControlledXaos | January 6th, 2016
    0
  37. Tyroc
    Tyroc | January 6th, 2016
    0
  38. OhSheit
    OhSheit | January 6th, 2016
    0

    Nick DelmacyYou know I still luh you doe…You my lil Souja Boy…

    It's all love though

  39. DreG
    DreG | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitSo there you have it folks, this why Nick Delmacy is single.

    Hmmm,someone may finally be able to take up the reigns of my usual back and forths with Nick.Well done sir.

  40. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 6th, 2016
    0

    OhSheitIt's all love though

    Yaaaay! We back together!

  41. grownman
    grownman | January 7th, 2016
    0

    Nick Delmacy
    media

    Damn. ..that's all that I got…

    I said it you did it. Lmao.

  42. SB3
    SB3 | January 7th, 2016
    0

    ControlledXaos

    See, just when shyt started getn good, u had to fux my entire late night/early mornin/life up w this! Lmao

    :deadmanny:

  43. SB3
    SB3 | January 7th, 2016
    0

    But, this is all exactly why I said I was pullin a 1 n done here in this thread…

    carl2

  44. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 7th, 2016
    0
    SB3

    But, this is all exactly why I said I was pullin a 1 n done here in this thread…

    carl2

    [​IMG]

  45. oshaye | January 7th, 2016
    +2

    I've been in a relationship for 5 years now. Neither one of us do social media except for career identities. Neither one of us have a slew of gay male friends. As a matter of fact: Nick is one of only five gay male friends that I have. One thing I'll say is me and my dude were never "looking" to be in relationship. We met on a bus. We hung out. We kept hanging out. We shacked up; got a place. We never had expectations. The one thing I will definitely agree with is one of these comments that said a lot of gay men are damaged… and then when you tack black onto the gay men descriptor, you're talking damage with no limits. So its hard. Whatever happens between me and my dude from here on out I feel lucky that I got to be a part of the "us". And overall I just thank him for keeping me out of the gay male dating pool for all these years because I remember it well.

  46. scooter
    scooter | January 9th, 2016
    0

    I believe we all desire love in some form or fashion whether it be companionship, friend with benefits, or a monogamous relationship at the end of the day. However, if you cannot honestly say that you love yourself, before pursuing a relationship with another person than how can you expect that person to love you? I know we sometimes get caught up in these media relationships that we often see via television, IG, or FB. However, no one really knows the nature or the journey those relationships took to get to that point. I myself even sometimes sit and wonder if I'll ever experience a gay black love relationship like: Kordale & Kaleb, Nate & Robert, Miles & Milan, but trying to model your relationship after those media couples could be dangerous at times. You often see the glits and glam of those relationships, but never the struggles (i.e.: the sleepless nights, disagreements, or the financial struggles). All anyone is able to witness are the wedding vids, and staged date night pics that are posted to social media; but how many of those couples would be willing to give up all the fame just to have a successful relationship with their former partner? We as a community really need to stop comparing our relationship to others, because unless you're willing to trade places with the couple you're envying.

  47. DreG
    DreG | January 9th, 2016
    0

    scooterHowever, if you cannot honestly say that you love yourself, before pursuing a relationship with another person than how can you expect that person to love you?

    Right.Or they'll love you,but you won't feel like you deserve it so you'll never be able to accept it.




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