Brehs, we present to you a new episode of the CYPHER AVENUE PODCAST where you’ll hear us give updates, engage in heated topic debates, interviewing interesting homosexual men of color and us verbally adding on to the articles posted on the website. The episodes will be available in four ways: You can listen to them on the site, watch on YouTube, download a MP3 version or subscribe to us on iTunes or YouTube for automatic updates!
In this podcast, hosts Octavius Williams and Nick Delmacy continue their previous discussion about dating and relationships by inquiring if Black Gay Men are prone to settling for what’s available to them.
MP3 VERSION:
DOWNLOAD LINK:
@Nick Delmacy
Here you go, I fixed it for you!
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"Wha..what do you mean? This is FABulous, this is my LIFE" Nick, you kill me with the "Gay Voice" LMAO
Excellent podcast gentlemen. We three know why I was laughing over the course of the podcast hahahaha!
Ok so now that I actually listened to the podcast I can comment for real lol!
Great discussion Nick I don't know why you were trying to get rid of us in the beginning, I ain't going nowhere!!! My favorite part was around the end when the question was asked what else to you have to offer? That is such an important question that I truly do feel is the main reason why relationships (gay or straight) fail because we're so focused on the basic stuff.
People with money and looks come and go, what can you offer me that I can't find in another person, I tell my straight friend this all the time. She also brings up settling when we talk about our "types" and whatnot but it's silly to me. There's a difference in settling for less than you deserve and not getting what I expected or wanted. If someone came to me and told me they wanted to give me their luxury car and I've never owned one before but wanted a BMW and was given an Audi, is that settling??
I also don't like it when people's expectations and standards are high but despite their lofty opinion of themselves, on paper they don't even hold up to their own standards. Completely removing your own bias, would you even date you??? If the answer is no then please have several seats.
Absolutely loved the podcast. Not even going to try and respond to anything…you guys touched on so many topics.
KUDOS!!
Yo, I’m really impressed with this podcast! “You my sassy best friend” YASSS, bytch” LMAO I’ve mentioned my whole gay friend/brotherhood theory before on here. I feel it’s ALWAYS gonna be difficult for gay dudes to build brotherhoods w/out having been sexual first because we are trying to befriend with something that we also have the potential to have sex/ be in a relationship with and a lot of times its difficult to discern the desire for friendship/companionship from the desire to date/ have sex with/ be in a relationship with said person. Same thing occurs with str8 people. It’s like a snake trying to be companions with a mouse. It’s not impossible, but it’s highly unlikely. LOL Ocky, you made a good point with the whole “Where does racism end and misogyny begin” comment. I don’t deal with effeminate guys, that’s probably the ONLY “Chiseled in Stone” rule that I have, but on the flip side, I have absolutely NO hang ups with Race or Ethnicity. In my mind there’s WAAAY to many beautiful dudes in this world for me to be “tunnel visioned” into just one race, but at the same time, I may pass up one of those beautiful men because he’s effeminate. So is that my just having a preference for masculine men, or my being misogynistic? Is a guy (white, blk, or other) that ONLY dates {insert race} guys being racist, or does he just have a preference for that race of dudes? The world may never know. lol Nick made a really good point toward the end in regard to guys and what they have to offer aside from their careers. You mentioned guys that pretty much don’t have shyt going on with themselves other than work and gym, and sadly over the past years I’ve found myself falling into this category of dudes. I know it sounds really stupid and it’s hard to understand for a lot of dudes on here, but it’s kinda like being a hoarder. Like…I kinda saw it coming years ago but I figured, “eh, its aight, I’ll get back out and start doin shyt again soon enough. I just gotta get my money str8. I just gotta get back into shape> into better shape> into “model” shape> gotta maintain my shape for when I start goin out again”…but I never got to the point of taking advantage of all the work I had put in the gym because I never felt that I looked good enough, anyways. Mainly because I used the gym guys as a litmus test for my attractiveness/ desirability (stupid). In my mind muhf#$kaz was ignoring me because I was… 1. Still out of shape/ too fat or 2. Just a ugly a$$ ni@@a/ Not anybody’s type… which goes back to my self-esteem issues where instead of just sayin’ F it and doin me, OR…realizing more than half of the dudes were probably just str8 dudes, and the fact that I wasn’t giving any type of signs of interest on my part to any of these dudes to start with (I don’t like rejection or being embarrassed, another self-esteem factor that has worked against me), I let that shyt eat away at me. Through all this, I’m blowing off friends/associates that did make the effort to invite me out, guys that I could’ve potentially built friendships with that were checkin on me at the time, FWB’s (there were only two to begin with) that hit me up every now and again, and before I knew it, almost 5yrs had passed me by and now, at 38yo I’m kinda f#&kd because at this point I really don’t have shyt goin on, don’t really know what’s goin on IN The Scene or what to do, and nobody to do sh!t with even if I did. AND I’m right back to the “regular” body I had before I started down this anti-social/ detached path SMH. So yeah, it can (quickly) arrive a point when you realize, “damn…where the f**k did the time go? I’m still single.” And the reality of the gay community is, the older you get, the less chance you really have, and that’s just real. Luckily, I haven’t changed much since I graduated high school, just gotten progressively meaner and subsequently developed a permanent scowl, but my overall looks haven’t changed (thank GOD for my mom’s genes). I mean, in the end there really ISN’T anything to make me standout from anybody else. I’m not “exotic” looking, I have no real “discernable/ unique” accent. I got regular a$$ brown eyes, regular a$$ lips. 6’2” black dudes are a dime a dozen in this city. Some dudes are surprised that I speak Spanish and that I have latin heritage but they’re normally not from here. Black/Spanish dudes is nothing unusual here in NYC. But then, I don’t GO for unusual, “exotic” dudes, either. I like lookin at them, and if one so happen to approach me it’s cool. One of my former FWBs was this fly a$$ West Indian dude from Suriname who I’de seen on Adam4Adam but never hit up and ironically ran into in a store I had to buy something out of one day, but NEEEEEEEEEVER in a trillion years thought would be attracted to me. Come to find out he was feeling me, turned out to be a kool damn dude but, unfortunately wasn’t lookin to settle down. Sex was good as F@#$K tho, but that whole situation is another story for another thread. LOL So yeah, I like to look at those type dudes but I don’t actively pursue them. I like me a regular a$$, average type dude. LOL So then I guess my question to yous, Ocky & Nick, is this, what DOES a dude that may not have anything to “special” to offer, in the sense of being able to offer something different from the other 1,000’s of dudes in a given area, what do WE do to stand out and get noticed without trying to be something/someone that we’re really not? I admittedly have suppressed a lot of personality traits that I used to have when I was younger, and which probably made people gravitate toward me (another issue that I have. I’m not used to having to actively pursue friendships, I’m used to muhfuk@z wanting to befriend ME. Smh LOL). I used to joke a lot more, dance around, and just do silly a$$ sh!t, but that shyt kinda got over taken by anger/depression over the years. Now, it’s like I feel like I can’t even go back to that because the muhfuk@z that know me know don’t really know that side of me, so for me to change back to that would be to them like…”who the f#$k is THIS dude?” Damn man, so many more great points in this Podcast but I’ve already typed a damn magazine article. LOL
@Nick Delmacy That podcast wasn't as bad as you made it seem it was going to be.
I mean…if you have nothing unique to offer, what do you expect? And I don't mean you personally, I just mean in general. Like if I was dating a bland, faceless, uninteresting dude whose sole existence revolved around going to work, going to the gym and looking for a hookup/date, how is that helping the person to stand out?
I'll date a minimum wage dude who smokes with a slight gut who at least has interesting goals and aspirations for more….let's say as a hobby he collects first edition vinyl records of Jazz Musicians….THAT is unique and interesting…it may not be what I'm into, but at least its something solid and more interesting than just dating, gym and work.
Not sure about the smoking part (especially if it is tobacco) but I can get with the other stuff haha.
I been thinking about what else makes me stand out as well. You guys got me doing some critical thinking!
Gotcha. I was speaking more from an aesthetic standpoint of someone who really doesn't look any different from any of the other 1000 + guys (I had went off on a different tangent, my bad). Me personally, I have plenty of extra shyt going on in my personal life aside from work & gym. I'm an artist, I'm into gardening/ plant biology (mainly poisonous-psychedelic plant biology) , African Art/ Dance/Customs, etc etc, but (in my mind) that's shyt that nobody really in this day & age gives a good f?#k about. LOL And I smoke. I can understand people not wanting to be around smokers, it is what it is. So all in all, I suppose I'm just pretty much screwed in the "modern" dating realm. LOL
This is all subjective, varies from person to person. You having all those other interests and attributes going for you actually does help you stand out…especially for guys who are not superficial. I don't know what you look like but the way you describe yourself you over in NYC looking like Flava Flav…but think about this: even Flava Flav is engaged a beautiful woman he's been dating since 2003. So it all relative and subjective. That dude has qualities that transcend his appearance (also a huge penis, from what I heard).
The key thing is (which we tried to cover in the previous podcast) is to not get caught up in rejections from the IG muscular model looking dudes…even I get rejected by those types but that's not the ONLY type that I go after so it all balances out. Sometimes they're feeling me, sometimes they're not. Some of the black nerds are feeling me, sometimes they're not. Rejection is a part of the game. But as I stated in this podcast, lately I don't have as much time to play the game.
If I were you and I did have the free time AND the desire to meet new people, I would go to local gay bars alone and SOCIALIZE! Talk to anyone causally, with no expectations. I understand that you say you're an angry dude with a permanent scowl, you may need to work on that. But do what makes you comfortable.
Hi Mark,first of all I hope that you arrived saefly in Berlin and that you will enjoy your stay. I think in one of your last posts, you got a typo, cause there was something like you getting me a drink ? Did I miss something? You are the guy doing all the hard work, like the research, talks, managing the blog and travelling the whole world on your own. We, the readers and listeners, should be the one buying you the drink. Ever heart about the Beerware License ? You should run your blog on this license and never worry about beeing soberly again Don't worry about me tapping you on the shoulder at all, I don't want you scare away To tell the truth I'm far from the 24C3 right now, but I would love talking to you in person in the future. Btw. the streaming team at the 24C3 is doing a good job so far and recordings are released on an average of one day afer the event, so your talk will be available soon on a few sites.The good old days A few years ago actually, if I'm honest to myself quite many years ago I had the chance of growing up in a place a lot like yours, but far more (about 3 miles) away from the next major city and highways, in a village with about 20 houses. We, the kids, could play, screem and run around for days in the woods without seeing a place again, disturbing anyone or ever have to fear coming across traffic in any kind. Coming across nature was nothing we have to plan, like most families in cities have to do, we were living in nature and enjoyed it, when building small wood barraks or barrages on our own. If I remember correctly most of them cracked down moments after we finished them, so in a matter of speaking its a good thing, that I'm not an architect today, ok nevermind the last part. I still remember some farming lands we frequently visit to get some pears and apples for *free* so to speak and I remember running like all hell broke loose, if someone saws us. Sledging in the winter was not an option, it was mandatory even for our parents. Seeing deers, foxes or even a hedgehog was only a matter of timing and silence not a matter of our local zoo having these animals. After a long day at school and out there in our backyard or the so called nature back at home, we didn't want to watch TV, we didn't scream or argue with our parents about anything, we just wanted a hot shower and after that go straight to be bed. A few months ago I revisited the place again and over the years a few things have changed: The rivers were straightened, they broadened the roads, a few more houses and a few more fences and there is only one big farmer left, but everthing concluded, its pretty much the same and there is nothing that would prevent having kids the same time that we had back in the days, at least not at this place.Why the heck I'm telling these things, I had a good past and so on, why not leave it at this? Just give me a minute, I try to explain. After I grew up leaving my home town and visiting other families living in big cities, I come across the big city childhood. Often families live there in a 3-4 room apartment with up to 4 persons, without having enough room and only a few possibilites left to avoid each other for a couple of hours. Without question this situation must be exhausting to an absolute limit and produces a lot of tention, particularly if you have a low income to spend for other activities.A few weeks ago I read an article about some new methods of making public places in big cities more peacefull, sounds good doesn't it? But how they are going to accomplish this? More video taping, more security, banning more cars from the streets or constrict the air traffic? Far from this! They are going to treat specific public places like schoolyard after school with a supersonic weapon device called
JAJAJA, Yeah dude. I'm pretty far from lookin' like Flava Flav. I feel like sometimes that's how dudes see me, but nah. I look nothing like him. I totally get what you're sayin tho. As far As the "IG Models", again, I don't go for that type anyways, so rejection from them would make me no neva mind. It's the rejection from other 'regular" dudes like myself that fucks wit my head. Like. damn dude. If a regular Joe like myself wont deal with me then I'm like, WTF. :snoop:
But anyways, yea, I get and agree with everything you said, dude. I just need to get outta my own head in into the real world, I suppose. Thanks, Dr Nick. LOL
We simply live in a world where we want instant gratification and constant stimulation….the era of romance, the experience of charm, the basic concept of dating doesn't exist. The internet and mobile apps has ruined it. EVERYONE WANTS A QUICK FIX!!
Come on and speak that truth pastor!!!
Yea, idk why u had that long ass prologue abt how 'boring' this was gonna be @Nick Delmacy ?! I think yall sometimes forget how varied ur listening audience is in a number of ways.
Creating a space for gay men who love comics is dope, but at the end of the day, those same comic lovers wanna feel like theyre not alone in their gripes abt things that are sometimes easy for ppl to trivialize.
Also, I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to roundtable, w ppl scheds n flaking n what not, but I think those happening a lil bit more often would def help to shake things up. Kinda like barber shop talk.
This was good. I was laughing n shaking my head right along w it.
Yeah for that intro I was actually just being a :troll:.
If I actually thought the podcast was whack it would never have seen the light of day, lol.
Thanks for the feedback nonetheless though!
But I couldnt just get a dap right quick tho (so I can win the contest)?
That's what I'm saying! Gotta have some variety and also some young blood to provide another perspective. Not me necessarily but the seasoned guys like @JNH412, @@DreG, @tigerbreaux, and some other guys on here 😉
Cant, cus when they record the podcasts, its past @JNH412 @@DreG and @tigerbreaux curfews
As you very well know,I stay up past my bedtime all the time.I just have the tv on mute so my mama won't know.
I would be willing to talk about my love life with pizza and ruffles anytime.
This one and it's predecessor were actually really good ones though.They're probably two of my favorites .
I wish there was a 'Diss' button (the opposite of dap). If you mean it's past my bedtime because I have to go to my government job and pull my 8-5, then maybe. But I've been outchea, and I know a lil bit. I'm not as young as you think. lol
I just wish those two would stop assuming they're so "different" in their thoughts, likes and actions and assuming everyone in ATL acts the same way. Granted I haven't been here that long but my friends, myself and everyone I've pretty much gotten to know since being here aren't "typical gays" (which I even hate to use). Actually, if you think about it, the likelihood of finding people who are atypical is actually higher in larger metropolitan areas. I'm only speaking on behalf of myself and the things and people I know, but us educated, quirky, eclectic and nerdy brothers are out there, and we're also multi-faced. I fall into some ratchet tv as well lol.
lol but you are younger than the both of the co-founders so that's what I mean about the different perspective. @SB3 you are silly haha
Brian Smith on I was in Raleigh visiting old frednis. We had a decent dinner there during Raleigh's Dining out week. The food is good, … on The Well at Five Points is re-opening on August 30th.deb in raleigh on North Raleigh really needed Sola Cafe! It's clean and homey and get the TANGERINE AND GINGER ICED TEA.
As @alton said, getting the brush off from some average Joe looking dude can screw with your head. But they are average Joes so they come a nickel a dozen. Just have to keep that in mind and keep your head up.
It's really about being around people who you have a genuine interest in and vice versa. Again people have these ridgid Must Haves and won't "drop their standards." that's pretty much blocking them for finding the person they need to be with or looking for people in places they don't expect.
Really great podcast @Nick Delmacy and @ockydub! You raised some really great questions one that particularly stood out is "why are so many eligible SGL bachelors single" which I wouldn't mind seeing explored further. Question for @Nick Delmacy I hadn't quite wrapped my head around why it didn't work out with French Fry. From what I gathered he may not have been as masculine as you want but he apparently had the 80 or almost 80. Now with the whole feminist thing you said he was lecturing you about it and that was the final straw?
His politics were not really compatible with me, also he was on a soap box…not interested in a discussion. Then he directly attacked this website not knowing that I was one of its originators. That night was the last time I ever saw him. I thought I liked him overall but I foresaw a lot of issues in the future that I wasn't interested in dealing with.
Have you or Ocky been involved with anyone who knew you were the creators of the site? Do you ever attend conferences where you are recognized and feel like minor gaylebrities?
Hahaha…
Yup. I dated a dude I met on the site. It was the complete opposite of the feminist french fry guy. He not only already knew about the site, he agreed with many of my opinions on homosexuality and gay masculinity. Ocky's longtime boyfriend is not only aware of the site, he has appeared on at least 4 podcasts.
Ocky's been at small parties where him being a founder of Cypher Avenue has come up and the dudes have been receptive, appreciative of the work. Whenever a rare time that it comes up around me at gay functions I just downplay it, change the subject. I'm not interested in the whole gaylebrity thing.
Ah gotcha
He told me to stop, so I stopped @ 2:45.
I've listened to several podcasts over the years, this was my first on Cypher Avenue. I laughed, smiled and it made me think. Good job fellas. I enjoyed listening to you guys and the fact that you guys don't have the gay lisp is a plus. looking forward to listening to other podcasts…..crushin on nick's voice though
Bro u need to join the damn site! U got A LOT to say. Just come on over man
LMAO! I think he's a bot. Supersonic wespon device? I googled that part and saw the same line posted on other sites.
I tried Herbal Life for a spell and at first I think it was working, but then I started doing something off and it just didn't work for me anymore. Also, I don't like pyramid schemes. At one point my cousin was selling and consuming Herbal Life and he just all of a sudden stopped. This was another sign to me to look at what was going on. The kind of product that I was using was the sports tea and it was breaking me out much more than I needed, even though I knew it had citric acid (which I'm allergic to.)
When you recommend putting time into the dating process, I feel like I do that. I open tinder every other day. I go out to a variety of places by myself to try to connect with someone just because I am alone. I have lost the friend base to hang out these days because they all seem to be in a relationship. I am LOST on where to try to find a date.
I think I am about to try the phone chat lines right about now because I can't find anything anywhere else lol.
I think one thing about me also is that I always find myself getting into conversations about pop culture and never get into anything deeper about me or the other person. Not to say that my interests don't matter, but they shouldn't be the only conversations I have.