Dear Cypher Ave,
I’m a 22 year old gay kid from NJ. I need some advice. I want to come out to my mom but don’t know how to. Every time I want to tell her the words won’t come out my mouth. I think she knows because I never talk about or had a girl. Could you please give me some advice please?
Signed,
Double Deuce
Dear Double Deuce,
Walk up to her and say “Hey Ma, I need some advice on how to talk to this guy I like?”
No, just kidding but you do need to ask yourself what are your intentions and the feelings behind wanting to come out to your mother?
What do you want the expected results to be? Are you just coming out to get it off your chest? Do you feel you are hiding or not being your authentic self? It’s mentioned that you think she knows (and she very well might) so what’s your goal with the announcement of your sexuality?
If you’re having an open, honest conversation with a loved one, friend or family member; there are very few wrong ways of coming out? You’re basically just stating a fact about yourself.
If or when you do decide to come out, do it in a setting that you feel is comfortable for yourself as well as your mother.
I just got back from a vacation with my partner and our respective mothers. Regardless of how they found out about our individual sexualities years ago (you can read my story here), there is a certain level of freedom and openness that makes the air less thick when in their presence. No guessing or reluctances. No having to change pronouns to she or her. There is a certain normalcy and liberation there.
You know your mother and only you know if coming out is the best thing for you at this time. I stress, only do it when you feel ready. Keep in mind…
When you do the thing you fear, the fear will begin to move out of the way.
Another thought is that I feel the Gay community’s use of the phrase “Coming Out” adds an intimidation factor to the process. Even though I can relate more to “Living In Your Truth”, it’s a bit overused. Maybe we can come up with a new phrase like “Presenting My Authenticity?” Yeah…that will never catch on.
What advice would you give? How did you come out or “Present Your Authenticity” to your friends or family?
I couldn’t imagine telling my mom at 22 in my then state of mind. Good for dude for feeling ready to get it off of his chest, but id say to just make sure ur ready. Ideally, it shouldn’t be a matter of feeling pressured. Def a personal choice.
I pretty much just told my mom that my ex’BFF’ of so many years was actually my ex ‘BF’. Then I went and had a sandwich n she went off to go do whatever she did.
Point being, nothing changed.
I’m pretty sure she knows or suspects. There’s nothing wrong with confirming it. As stated make sure you are both in a comfortable environment. Be ready to answer questions if she asks and let her know how you’d like her to deal with dispensing the information to other family members.
I like your style controlledxaos, well stated.
I think that it is good that you are starting to feel ready to come out. I am a proponent of coming out because it is a freeing and liberating experience. With that being said, you should come out when you and only you are good and ready on your own time and in your own space.
I came out to my mother when I was 20 years old and it was scary, I was so nervous but after I said it my mom looked at me and said I have know since you were 15 when I discovered porn on your computer. I was even more mortified but then she started laughing and that broke the ice. I tell this story because mothers have a sense, an intuition about these kinds of things. I ended up going back into the closest to serve in the military and I think that was detrimental to my human spirit, to be fairly out as a 20 year old college student to going back into the close as a 22 college graduate and officer in the coast guard.
I am more of a direct approach kind of person but that can be extremely scary so I would say sit down right and write a letter or for you new age kids write an email and have her call you after she reads what you got to say. Anyways, just know that the weight lifted is AWESOME…goodluck bro.
Agreed, I told my mom over the phone while shopping. For me coming from a religious background (preachers kid), I already knew what I was about to encounter. The reality is that my parents still love me and so do my friends.
1. Don’t expect anything is the advise I was told. It keeps your feelings from being hurt if the convo goes opposite.
2. I was also advise that your parents generation is not yours so they may not be as excepting or may have a whole lot of questions. So give them time to process and ask questions.
3. Flood your life with powerful affirmations. It helps 🙂
Congrats bro!!!
Double Deuce,
I know how you feel and there is tension at my house because my parents do come at me wondering about my personal life. The most important advice I can (and will continue giving) give is to be financially stable (and emotionally stable) as well. Whether it is having at least a full-time decent paying job, being self-employed and successful and/or getting a college degree knowing jobs are out there for that major. That would be my advice to you. The most important thing is knowing that you can take care of YOU and know that YOU will be alright at the end of the day.
I’m working on my master’s right now because I want to be financially independent and live my life how I desire. All the best brother.
At age 27, I am still contemplating “Coming Out” to my parents.. mom in particular. For me, “what’s your goal with the announcement of your sexuality?” has been the primary question I ask myself. My parents (Mom and Dad) have supported the various decisions in my life, ranging from moving to a different state for school and work, joining the military and even taking mission trips to countries abroad. There have even been times when I consciously made the decision to break the law and I habitually partake in the beauty of Mary Jane. With all that being said, I know and feel as though my parents love me and the NEED to “out” myself has just not been there. If there is not any negative impacts to the relationship as it stands, my recommendation is to disclose as much information as you like, referencing you sexuality, when and if you feel like it is convenient and appropriate to do so.