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Dear Cypher Ave,

I’m a 22 year old gay kid from NJ. I need some advice. I want to come out to my mom but don’t know how to. Every time I want to tell her the words won’t come out my mouth. I think she knows because I never talk about or had a girl. Could you please give me some advice please?


Double Deuce

Dear Double Deuce,

Walk up to her and say “Hey Ma, I need some advice on how to talk to this guy I like?”

No, just kidding but you do need to ask yourself what are your intentions and the feelings behind wanting to come out to your mother?

What do you want the expected results to be? Are you just coming out to get it off your chest? Do you feel you are hiding or not being your authentic self? It’s mentioned that you think she knows (and she very well might) so what’s your goal with the announcement of your sexuality?

If you’re having an open, honest conversation with a loved one, friend or family member; there are very few wrong ways of coming out? You’re basically just stating a fact about yourself.

If or when you do decide to come out, do it in a setting that you feel is comfortable for yourself as well as your mother.

I just got back from a vacation with my partner and our respective mothers. Regardless of how they found out about our individual sexualities years ago (you can read my story here), there is a certain level of freedom and openness that makes the air less thick when in their presence. No guessing or reluctances. No having to change pronouns to she or her. There is a certain normalcy and liberation there.

You know your mother and only you know if coming out is the best thing for you at this time. I stress, only do it when you feel ready. Keep in mind…

When you do the thing you fear, the fear will begin to move out of the way.

Another thought is that I feel the Gay community’s use of the phrase “Coming Out” adds an intimidation factor to the process. Even though I can relate more to “Living In Your Truth”, it’s a bit overused. Maybe we can come up with a new phrase like “Presenting My Authenticity?” Yeah…that will never catch on.

What advice would you give? How did you come out or “Present Your Authenticity” to your friends or family?

Be Cool and Take Our Advice