As the de-facto relationship expert on the website (of the two of us, I am the one in a relationship) I was recently sent a relationship oriented email seeking advice.
I will summarize the situation and question along with changing the names of the two involved.
Here is the situation…
Mike and Phillip have been together for 2 years. As with any type of relationship some problems may occur; however when dealing with two strong willed masculine men some unique problems may present themselves.
The problem as it turned out in this situation was a violent one. Phillip contacted me and explained; that in the heat of an argument Mike punched Phillip in the jaw. Phillip stumbled back dazed and shocked at what happened, did not throw any punches back but basically yelled to Mike…”what the fuck is wrong with you?” as Mike angrily left their home and drove away.
Here is the question from Phillip…“Should I stick to my instincts and end the relationship or stay in the relationship as long as Mike gets help?”
Now I did purposely leave out some details because to me they are not relevant to the issue at hand.
First you should know the argument was a general argument about a general topic any of us could have. It had nothing to do with cheating or infidelity or anything of that nature (still not saying this is an excuse to punch your partner in the face).
Second I am leaving out their ages…why…because domestic violence is not age restrictive.
Now let me get the cliché statements out the way first…
- If he did it once, he will do it again…
- You don’t deserve this…
- You can do better…
- There are other fish in the sea….
- Blah, Blah, Blah
Also let me get the other obvious response out the way that some may be thinking…
“Oh you should’a beat that muthafuckas ass…fuck that…I wish a ni@@a would”…but wait, let’s be logical and reasonable about that for a minute…This could easily escalate and lead to someone being seriously hurt and could even end up involving the police. Men of color…you know the last place we need to be is in the back of a police car and wrapped up in the Justice System.
So this is the advice and suggestions that I presented to Phillip…
It is okay to trust your instincts and leave the relationship. It is your choice and right to do so. Regardless if Mike states he will get help…so what. He has the problem not you…let him work it out on his own time and terms and you focus on moving on and getting yourself together.
If you decide to stay in the relationship and Mike has committed to getting help; be there to provide support and assistance. Counseling is not only helping Mike, it is also helping your relationship. Mike obviously feels remorse and is getting personal help and attempting to repair the damage he has caused. But ask yourself this question; if you decide to stay in the relationship while Mike is getting help and he hits you again…then what?
Regardless if you decide to leave or stay…be at peace with your decisions so you can focus on repairing and moving forward.
So Phillip, I hope this helps! I hope you keep us posted with your decision and how things work out.
Well folks…what is your opinion or thoughts for Phillip? Or what is your thought on the advice I gave. Feel free to drop us a line or leave a comment below. And if you have any relationship questions you like for me to answer, holla at me at Advice@CypherAvenue.com or you can use the “contact” function on our website.
– Octavius
Domestic violence in the gay community is a real issue. I am glad that you posted this story.
Things are always different when you are on the outside looking in, versus when you are actually in the situation at hand. That being said, I think you gave excellent advice. If you love someone, your head and heart are not always on the same page when it comes to addressing conflict. Especially when it becomes physical. Some people deserve second chances, while others do not. Each situation is different, and it is important to step back and look at the entire situation after you have had the opportunity to calm down. This way you are not basing your decisions based on pure emotion. In the scheme of things, there is no right or wrong when it comes to your personal feelings and intuition. After all, your feelings are your feelings. Whatever decision you decide to make, be sure to do so without regret. Hopefully, whatever conclusion you come to, your decision will be based on the love that you have for yourself first, and the love that you have for the individual. And that love will either tell you to leave or stay. Ultimately, you have to do what you think it right for you at the time, and hopefully you have a strong support system while going through this process.
I do think that it is good that Mike is getting counseling, and hopefully this incident is a first and last time situation.
Are you kidding me?! LOL…Nah son, you only gotta lay hands on me once. I’ve “dated” enough of these dudes out here to know that for every person that will get physical with you, there are at least 100 more that won’t. Especially if you’re over 30 years old. Call me a cynic if you want (and no offense to “Phillip”), but there’s no amount of “love” in the world that will get me to stick around after that, counseling or not. I say this as a happy single man…There are so many people out here so afraid to be single again that they will put up with these problem dudes. When you love yourself first and foremost, you start to grow very little patience for bullshit. but hey, if a person chooses to stay and try to make it work, more power to you. We all make decisions we have to live with. You may get lucky and have it only be a one time thing…Maybe.
I agree with you Octavius. If you are going to stay in the relationship, stay for support. Do not stay and rehash or continue to bring up the past. Be productive and supportive. If you find that moving forward is difficult with this person, you need to move on. Great advice!!
Hm. Interesting. I am a firm believer in second chances…for most things. However, in reading this post I can’t help but to think of how MSM relationships so greatly differ from Heterosexual ones. There can be issues with dominance and aggression, and things like this may occur. I think that the person who wrote this email has a lot of thinking to do. On the one hand, he could stay, and offer support for his partner, and maybe they could work through this. I can’t say that I would say the same thing if this was a heterosexual relationship.
Never is it okay to hit your partner, and sure, we know this, but trust, it happens. If he already established that as a deal breaker then the bets are off. However, there may be a chance for reconciliation, and it is my belief that the two should spend some time apart during the counseling process if the relationship is to continue. It’s easy to say ‘leave’ but I find that we often base our relationships after heterosexual relationships. This should be a heads up for all of us, that we lay the cards on the table before we get too involved with a guy.
I definitely can understand anyone’s reluctance to stay with someone who has physically hurt them. Think of how many people out there, even ones in our family who have dealt with this type of abuse and are still together and have been for years with no more issues of abuse. People have to deal with these types of issues in their own way. Now if it’s reoccurring abuse, then yeah get the hell outta there.
Unlike others out there, I am NOT a believer of second chances. I firmly believe that if you do it once you are capable of doing it again, I know for some of you its cliche, but thats my belief. In my experience, short but valuable, is that once usually leads to twice then more often then it becomes a habit.
Personally hitting in a relationship is a deal breaker for me and will cause me to walk away without thinking twice. However this particular situation for Mike and Phillip is not as straight cut as I’d like. Mike is admitting that he has a problem is is taking the necessary steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. This is something I admire him for. Were I in this situation I would probably be inclined to go against my better judgement and stay with him.
Hopefully for Mike this is the first and last. I would have given him the second chance and make it crystal clear that if it happens again, the relationship is over and I’m pressing charges.