As the de-facto relationship expert on the website (of the two of us, I am the one in a relationship) I was recently sent a relationship oriented email seeking advice.

I will summarize the situation and question along with changing the names of the two involved.

Here is the situation…

Mike and Phillip have been together for 2 years.  As with any type of relationship some problems may occur; however when dealing with two strong willed masculine men some unique problems may present themselves.

The problem as it turned out in this situation was a violent one.  Phillip contacted me and explained; that in the heat of an argument Mike punched Phillip in the jaw.  Phillip stumbled back dazed and shocked at what happened, did not throw any punches back but basically yelled to Mike…”what the fuck is wrong with you?” as Mike angrily left their home and drove away.

Hours later Mike returned very apologetic, somber and surprised by his actions and the bruise he left of on Phillip’s jaw.  Phillip stated in his email that they have had heated arguments before, but never any that resulted in any form of physical contact or violence.Paying attention to this obvious red flag, Phillip feels that this is a deal breaker and their relationship should be over.  Mike states he understands how his actions are wrong and will seek the necessary help (counseling / anger management) and doesn’t want Phillip to end their relationship.  Phillip states Mike has already begun the steps of finding a counselor to get help with his issues.

Here is the question from Phillip…“Should I stick to my instincts and end the relationship or stay in the relationship as long as Mike gets help?”

Now I did purposely leave out some details because to me they are not relevant to the issue at hand.

First you should know the argument was a general argument about a general topic any of us could have.  It had nothing to do with cheating or infidelity or anything of that nature (still not saying this is an excuse to punch your partner in the face).

Second I am leaving out their ages…why…because domestic violence is not age restrictive.

Now let me get the cliché statements out the way first…

  • If he did it once, he will do it again…
  • You don’t deserve this…
  • You can do better…
  • There are other fish in the sea….
  • Blah, Blah, Blah

Also let me get the other obvious response out the way that some may be thinking…

“Oh you should’a beat that muthafuckas ass…fuck that…I wish a ni@@a would”…but wait, let’s be logical and reasonable about that for a minute…This could easily escalate and lead to someone being seriously hurt and could even end up involving the police.  Men of color…you know the last place we need to be is in the back of a police car and wrapped up in the Justice System.

So this is the advice and suggestions that I presented to Phillip…

It is okay to trust your instincts and leave the relationship.  It is your choice and right to do so.  Regardless if Mike states he will get help…so what.  He has the problem not you…let him work it out on his own time and terms and you focus on moving on and getting yourself together.

If you decide to stay in the relationship and Mike has committed to getting help; be there to provide support and assistance.  Counseling is not only helping Mike, it is also helping your relationship.  Mike obviously feels remorse and is getting personal help and attempting to repair the damage he has caused.  But ask yourself this question; if you decide to stay in the relationship while Mike is getting help and he hits you again…then what?


Some masculine men do struggle when it comes to issues concerning, dominance, authority, communication and expressing their feelings.  If you mix this with insecurity and immaturity things like this may happen.  But don’t be willing to allow yourself to be unhappy just to make your partner happy or feel secure.  You can’t allow someone to steal your joy and not allow you to live in your truth.

Regardless if you decide to leave or stay…be at peace with your decisions so you can focus on repairing and moving forward.

So Phillip, I hope this helps!  I hope you keep us posted with your decision and how things work out.

Well folks…what is your opinion or thoughts for Phillip?  Or what is your thought on the advice I gave.  Feel free to drop us a line or leave a comment below.  And if you have any relationship questions you like for me to answer, holla at me at or you can use the “contact” function on our website.

– Octavius