Now I’m no stranger to online dating applications, so I believe my advice on them are at an expert level. I couldn’t tell you how many times I have had friends and acquaintances approach me with the same complaint: “I think all he wants to do is F&#k”. Well, I hate to burst your bubble-butt, but online dating, for most, is all but traditional dating. Did you notice the sea of centimeter sized thumbnails of endearing muscles or even the overwhelming number of self-proclaimed “top” or “bottom” identifications.

Obviously the surplus of testosterone hasn’t hit you yet….you hopeless romantic you. Your problem is that you are so pathetically hopeless that you have exhausted every means of reaching out to everyone in your online area, only to get boring one-sided convo, or no reply at all (even though you see he has read your message 15 min. 23 seconds ago). Am I starting to hit a familiar nerve?You’ve tried to play it cool and not play the sexy slut by posting more conservative, yet appealing photos, but only in vain. For the man you seek only finds you appetizing and disappoints you by replying with the one hitter quitter: “Unlock” (you know this all too familiar indication).  Tell that stud to slow his steed. Suddenly, all of your daydreams of your romantic first date together whirl straight down the shitter.




Well WAKE UP! You’re in a realm where people don’t have to go through all of the time consuming preliminaries of getting to know someone. All the facts are listed: from height to penis size. Online dating leaves little room for mystery, which I believe is the very ingredient to creating intrigue.  Also, having the option to post your “About Me” personality, allows others to sum you up…oftentimes inaccurately. Take one of my online suitors for instance, whom we’ll call Bendy. Now Bendy was such a smooth talker, very attractive, with most of the attributes I looked for: tall, dark, handsome, gainfully employed, and not interested in a sexual exchange. So I thought.After many online chats and phone banter, I decided to meet Bendy at his quaint Jamaica, Queens apartment for “drinks and a movie” (I should’ve known what I was walking into). We began to flirt and of course I did not disregard his advances but managed to not bestow him with a kiss. As we hugged, he forcefully pressed his pelvis against mine so I could be aware of his attentive soldier. After that point, I was disappointed in knowing that he was just another sweet talking liar and so I  figured “WHAT THE HELL, J. Bell,” if anything, maybe you’ll get some good sex out of this disaster.

It wasn’t enjoyable due to the odd shape of his penis, hence the nickname Bendy. But I digress. To the romantics out there I say value yourself. You are better than any application. Your look and your personality are one in a million and nobody can experience it without your physical presence and aura. Get out there; make yourself visible and let love come. I mean really, do you want to be the one introducing your boyfriend as “the guy I met on Grindr?” I’ll wait……… No?…… Thought so.

I’m willing to bet that you’ve always dreamt along the lines of the “he approached me in Barnes & Noble” spiel. If I was a friend being introduced to your Grindr beau, I would assume you met on one of your lonely, horny nights. If that so happens to be the case, I truly wish it works out…..for you and your “open relationship”. *Sips Long Island Tea*. All jokes aside, whichever avenue you choose in dating, always be cautious and always be safe. Much luck, much love.


J Bell is as an advice columnist beginning his budding career as a publicist in NYC.

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