In preparation for a massive upcoming project on the site, I’ve been watching tons of black gay web series. One thing is for sure, black gay men hate clear pictures and crisp audio….Okay, Okay, actually two things are for sure: Black gays can’t do quality film production and they REALLY love DRAMA.
This doesn’t just apply to our fiction though. I’ve been to many gay gatherings where guys listen out for even the slightest instance of “Shade” so that they can scream it out, instigating the obligatory “Shade” response. It’s become so common that casual venom-laced insults have replaced normal greetings.
Another form of Drama that has become common is the Gay Relationship kind.
If a gay couple comes to a gay gathering or house party and I start speaking to one of the two in the process of mingling, I always get dagger eyes from the boyfriend. Nevermind that I’m just a friendly, affable, sociable guy who likes to meet new people…No, according to the boyfriend, I’m trying to “take their man!”
Admittedly, some guys do get outright disrespectful. Copping a feel and Gay Touching is totally out of bounds, especially if the man is at the function with his partner and has expressed his desire for you to keep your hands to yourself.
But some guys don’t express this desire. Some committed men in relationships DO allow a little touching….they DO exchange numbers….they DO text back and forth with another guy…they DO go “hangout” with other men at sportsbars or movies….they DO allow their “homeboy” to kiss them or hug them a little too long…they DO let their “Best Friend who also happens to be their Ex” give them head from time to time…
Once the boyfriend finds out….this usually ends in DRAMA.
Or does it?
Some gay men out there don’t care and view these instances as mere speed bumps.
What would be your final straw?
Would you end a long relationship just because you found a couple explicit text/photo messages in his phone?
If you found out he was even just flirting with someone at a party or club, would that be enough to throw your dude out of the house?
Would it take oral sex to tip you over the edge? Or would that be passable if it were the first offense?
Even if you found out he had intercourse with someone else, he says it was a one-time slip up… would that be enough to close the curtains on the Gay Musical that was your long term relationship?
Nick Delmacy
Related posts
64 Comments
Leave a Reply to ControlledXaosCancel reply
Log In
Latest Cyphers
Subscribe Now
* You will receive the latest news and updates on your favorite celebrities!
dope article, something a lot of gays need to read cause shit is too familiar and very common
I agree 100%. I’m in a LTR situation with someone that although I know has good intent , his popularity and past will give me a handful if I venture into anything remotely exclusive. I’m either MOVING IN” or settling for being the “main and regular” booty call. That he “says” is the only one. While I’m “doin me” as well. Keeping it real.
After 90 days or 6 months at the longest , I’m not worthy of move in consideration ,it’s time to cut my losses. No way I’d put up with the real or imagined bullshit mentioned in the post and have nothing to show for it in the end.
Monogomy is in a man’s nature. However, we are too visual and desire what we like. What we desire becomes an object to conquer. Sex is sex. No one can define your relationship but you and your partner. Being a realist, physical expression is as primal as a caveman cartoon knocking you out with a bam-bam mallet and dragging you off by your hair like prey to devour. Relationship is more of a deeper connection and an investment of emotion,time,energy and understanding. Establishing and respecting the terms of your relationship is what is paramount. Of course, i am a man of integrity and make no scruples about it s3x is just physical . Please note that doesn’t give you license to randomly fuck anyone you want but there is that special one that is hall pass worthy that is the exception.
There is really only two things that would cause me to call it quits on my long-term relationship. The moment I am no longer in love with my guy and vice versa and game over or the moment when I can no longer visualize a future (which is different from fantasy). Sometimes we tend to hold on something that has simply run its course.
I believe everything else is relative and arbitrary. Cheating, sex, social media, other people, and life all happens…it is what is done when it happens that matters. I believe that relationships require hard work and it seems today that people are not willing to put in hard work. Also forgiveness and redemption seem to be absent in our society…forgiving someone and allowing them to redeem themselves is not a sign of weakness but all too often we can’t get past our own egos to see that reality.
I feel you kinda on the “forgiveness”, but one can only forgive/ be forgiven and repeat the same shit before you just gotta realize, homeboy ain’t made for monogamy LOL. Few dudes are. Boils down to just how much a muhfuka is willin’ to put up with to have someone keep ’em warm at night (when they around to keep one warm).
I am not suggesting that one be foolish in the forgiveness department. I do think there are situations where the damage is done and the situation needs to be totaled.
Yeah, I’m in the high threshold category as well. Not too many heterosexual couples out there that didn’t have a slip-up or two, including many of our parents and grandparents. I think you hit the nail on the “love” part. In the movies when the cheated on woman asks the man is he loves her (the other woman), him saying “yes” is usually the killer blow. In the grand scheme of things, what’s one stray blow job compared to 30+ years together. That’s like saying you’re quitting your long term workout goals just because you cheated and ate a slice of pizza in a moment of passion, lol
I use to get so jealous all the time and be insecure in times when I shouldn’t have and my grandma told me something I could never forget. She basically said that in five occasions during the course of their 51 year marriage they cheated or were unfaithful it was was hurtful but it didn’t match up to the love they had…and she said that if there was a time when she didn’t love my grandpa she was prepared to leave him. She forgave him and he forgave her and they worked hard. My grandpa passed a few years ago but he died knowing his wife loved him with all of his flaws.
I agree. If I’m in a long term relationship one of us not being in love with each other will be the main cause of us not being together anymore. Sometimes people do things in the moment of passion. This could be one of the speed bumps we can work on through our relationship. On the other hand if this is a common problem after trying to work through this I would most likely have to reconsider. At this point the person doesn’t have any regard or respect.
I have a short tether for what I consider infidelity. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, texting/photos, hangin out, all that shit 9 x’s outta 10 leads to fuckin. Maybe not EVERY dude, I’m sure there’s a single digit percentage out there that can control their baser instincts, but the reality is the majority of us dudes can’t. So me, once I see some suspicious shit, like you textin and hidin the screen, certain type a looks/touches exchanged between you and dude (I’m very observant) then I gotta let you go so you can run free and do you. I don’t share shit, never been my strong point.
My final straw is when I learn that my partner is unwilling to come to the table and meet in the middle. I don’t have many sacred cows or hills where I plant my flag so I’m always willing to work things out. The second that it becomes apparent that you are unwilling to do the same then we no longer have a relationship.
I expect a level of flirting in the gay world and it has never really bothered me. Honestly, I think it’s kindof hot because it lets me know that other people see what I see in you (atleast physically).
It also keeps me on my toes.
Personally, I don’t believe in physical monogamy. I believe in having monogamish (thanks Dan Savage lol) relationships. That is to say, I believe in being emotionally monogamous and physically fluid. Don’t get me wrong that doesn’t mean that I or my partner just go out and fuck the world, it means that we develop terms for our “play” and we stick to them. I do my best to create an atmosphere of trust and honesty in my relationships which requires that we as men acknowledge some hard truths. You are not always going to be in the mood for me physically nor I you and having that understanding allows us to plan accordingly. My cardinal rule has always been “don’t walk in the house with anything that you didn’t walk out with” and if by some chance you do…be honest about it. As long as the emotional monogamy holds then I don’t have a problem with anything in between.
My views on physical monogamy can be summed up as follows:
Man cannot live on bread alone and at some point in your relationship you’re going to start looking like whole wheat. So it behooves you to make a menu with your partner before he starts going grocery shopping without you.
Dan Savage got folks out here looking like damned fools. Take his advice if you want to but I’d take it with several salts. Kosher, Himalayan, table, and ice cream.
Thanking someone for a word (i.e. Monogamish) and taking their advice are not one and the same.
Yea, I’m always a part of the ‘pick and choose ur battles’ team. Everything isn’t worth ending something otherwise solid.
I feel like the most important thing is to step back n realize if ur the one always forced to do the forgiving, but u don’t ever need to ask for it in return. That’s when it’s time to bail.
Once I feel like you have no respect for me and the relationship, we’re done. If I’m being honest I don’t share shit, knowingly anyway. Would I end a long term relationship because you chose to have sex or give or get head from someone other than me? I don’t know. However, if you handle it like a punk and don’t tell me anything and I have to find out through someone else I would not trust you at all. That would be betrayal and cowardice to me.
The insurance on this is simple. Don’t consider yourself in a full fledged relationship or really in one at all if exclusivity is “imagined “UNLESS YOU LIVE WITH THE PERSON.
Then you can have an ‘”I don’t give a fuck ” approach and console yourself in the fact that you still getting paid by splitting expenses, which hopefully you budgeted properly to keep you winning $$$ during the course of the “relationship”.
If it gets to you that much, or crazy disrespectful,keep quiet, and just plan to bounce when you ready. Problem solved .
Who has time to worry about or be too upset the inevitable? Men do things, most times .Win $$$$ while you’re LIVING together. And bounce (when you’re ready)when they act up. And have the score card on hand when you bust that move. It just gets worse when they think they are getting away with things . So you should be short on evidence.
All that drama in the post is for those that “imagine” they are in something based on another mans WORDS.
That’s a fools game.
Hey I don’t mind if he gets head or has sex or does blah blah blah…as long as we love each other? Seriously? If that’s the case than just be friends. Why attempt to have an exclusive relationship?
I’m trying to understand the mindset that dudes live in or situations that they exist in where ‘slip ups’ happen? What the fuck is a slip up? You slip up and drop your cell phone. You slip up and burn the chicken…how do you slip up and have sex? How is this not disrespectful to the supposed partner?
Also, what is the time period for allowing the slip up? He can slip after 3 months, 2 years, 10 years? How many slips per year is allowed? If one has to struggle to be monogamous…you aint ready to be in a relationship. That shit should be almost second nature.
This is partly why these web series (art imitating life for the creators) are full of drama in the first place…cause gay dudes and these multitude of types and attempts at relationships are recipes for drama. Dudes have loose concepts of what honor, honesty, commitment and integrity are; which are some characteristics of a strong man by the way.
Stop playin
Dammit. My response is almost exactly like yours submitted at the same time. I’m glad that there are at least two dudes on here with some sense of self worth. Nick is leading these dudes down a path to well, a black gay web series. LOL
Yassss, Honey! Tell em! Burn his shit, gurl! He lied to you! You gave him 11 years and he had one night with a WHITE woman?! He TRIED it!!! BURN HIS SHIT, GURRRRLLL!!!
” alt=”” title=”” class=”bbcode-image” />
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz that is worse than a response from @hannibal. At least he would have added a *rolls eyes*
Tolerating foolishness and dishonestly is how you handle things in supposed monogamous gay relationships….Got it, great message BTW.
LOL Go ahead. Make jokes. I just hope you know you’re contributing to the drama that you preach against.
For real. To each his own but you posed the question to the members and I’m just pointing out that @ocky and I prefer not to have these dramatic breakup and makeup sessions with Dr. Sherry. There is a such thing as holding people to their word. To your point about a lot of our straight parents and grandparents dealing with this I say that the one’s i’ve witnessed and spoken to including a couple of my uncles and aunts say that they continued because of the kids and for financial reasons but they never trusted 100% again. Their marriages have almost become marriages of convenience. They’re too old to start over and stuff like that. I guess that’s good for some. I just don’t think I could live like that. But you’re apparently different which is ok.
lol. thats just hilarious!
Amen!
OMG. It’s some dudes with low self esteem on here. I can’t believe im reading all these comments about one or two or three or “a few” slip ups are ok compared to decades of love. WTF @nick, what happened to all the “once a cheater always a cheater”? The issue isn’t the blow job or secret dates late at night when you’re supposed to be working. It’s the out right lies after you’ve told me you won’t be giving other dudes head or receiving it or spending money on dates with other dudes when that money could have been spent on us. That’s why gay relationships are so fucked up because people telling us to let it go if it’s only a couple of times. Trust isn’t created from a few lies. Keep in mind fellas that cheating is never a mistake. Kicking your toe on the coffee table is a mistake. Spilling Kool-Aid on grandma’s carpet is a mistake. Backing your car into the garage is an accident. I’ve never known anyone to accidentally meet a hookup at a hotel, fall out of their clothes and have their penis fall into someone else’s ass. That’s not a mistake or accident. Trust is the issue.
Agreed some people just keep letting “mistakes” happen. I can only work through an issue with someone once. At a certain point some of these couples are better off having an open relationship.
That is my thinking from the jump. What’s wrong with having an open relationship? They work and are healthy for a lot of couples.
I think for the right people, and in turn,the right couple, this works. An open relationship may be the only way some particular individuals can have a lasting relationship because I’m guessing because it lets them test drive the BMWs and Teslas while they have the Honda at home.
My FB feed sometimes pop up with a Jesse Jackman post because one of my friends “Likes” him or posts a comment to something Jesse posts up. Jesse and his husband look happy. They both get to screw whomever within their ‘rules’ or whatever I guess and it works for them.
I know a set up like that wouldn’t work for myself, but I’m thinking that a lot of guys may want to just have “the talk” about being in an open relationship and taking it from there because it’s clear a lot of guys just have no self control or restraint when it comes to having a hard dick or wet ass.
I’m not knocking it, but it’s possible it’s the best thing for some gay dudes to just be in and be done with it. Though it would suck if you are the ‘not hot one’ and not bringing home as many hot guys as your boo is or if you are doing the ‘individual play’ thing, you are getting as much as your bf.
“…it would suck if you are the ‘not hot one’ and not bringing home as many hot guys as your boo is ”
This is where I would see the open relationship thing not working out, or becoming a problem. 9x’s outta 10, one of the two is The Hot Ho’ and the other one inevitably will end up feeling salty bearin’ witness to his man’s seemingly endless escapades. But…that life is for those that chose it. I try not to judge people for doin’ what works for them. And I mad you said dudes is out test drivin’ BMW’s and Teslas wit a Honda at home. Normally they got the BMW at home but out test driving Hyundais and Prius. LOL!!
Don’t sleep on that Prius! 10 gallons = 450 miles!
Lol
All relationships are fucked up. And I’d bet a year’s income that most of the long term relationships that we see as ideal (straight or gay) have had their problems. 100% of the married straight men I know cheat on their wives. It may be texting, it may be flirting, it may even have been a hookup while in Vegas with the fellas. And I doubt that the wives would leave them if they found out. Not saying its right, but it happens.
If my dude cheated on me, I wouldn’t “burn his shit” and storm off…I’d at least discuss the shit and if I felt like the shit was a lost cause, we can part ways. Also, if it were an ongoing pattern, that’s a no-brainer. Everyone who commented used the hypothetical of a one-time occurrence…not some long-time creeping.
“Not saying it’s right, but it happens”
So is it wrong and if so, what’s the consequence? Not saying you should punish dude by drawing out this long “will is stay or should I leave” dream sequence, but it sounds like you’re suggesting that men who don’t tolerate infidelity, even once, are somehow being unreasonable. Granted, I’ve never been married to someone for 15 years and then been cheated on, but i have been cheated on and I’ve always bounced. By bounced I mean I don’t even need to know why you cheated. Deuces bruh.
1st. A relationship having problem does not mean they are fucked up. I can think of many examples of “fuck up” relationships that go beyond the scope of just “having problems”. Who wants to be in a fucked up relationship? I wouldn’t and don’t plan on it.
2nd. Why does your mind equate finding out your dude cheated to having to act out in a drama filled fem gay way or a scorned woman way with burning things? Maybe you been watching to many gay web series and they are starting to rub off on you???
Okay, now that you both are done judging the responses of others, how about you read the original post and answer the Question. What would be your “final straw”? A single text message found? Flirting at a party? Sex when out of town? Be specific.
This question was inspired by a story I heard last night where a dude went through his girl’s phone and saw a explicit text from an Ex that she never even responded to…He flipped and broke up with her.
Any sexual contact is splitsville. Continuing contact with an ex or any dude after we’ve discussed and agreed that said contact isn’t in the best interest of our relationship is splitsville. This contact could be in the form of texting, emailing, voicemails, talking, pigeons, handwritten notes.
My biggest pet peeve is financially related. One guy I dated for over a year, was actually giving money to an ex, on the sly, to help him with his bills. Could they have still been fucking too? Who’s to say but that was the end of that relationship. Don’t be spending money on NOBODY when you’re with me. That just ain’t cool.
See how easy that was? You answered the Question of the Week about your own dating life and relationships without judging others’ dating lives and relationships. Welcome back to the Shade-Free Zone.
Where is that gif of Jack Nicholson flipping the bird? LOL
I think Nick Delmacy’s point is that most relationships are nuanced and infidelity (and all other relationship issues for that matter) are rarely black and white. If you’ve actually built something with someone and they have a slip up (because you know, they’re human) then you owe it to your relationship to atleast try and work it out. Please notice that I said “if you’ve actually built something” and not “started dating last month.” No one is advocating staying in an unhealthy situation all we’re saying is that if your relationship is actually worth it to you then you’ll atleast try.
There you go with that slip up bit again. There is no such thing. SMH Some people chose to stay and some don’t. Not trying to be too personal but my dad was a philanderer. He’s cheated on my step mom more than once and she has decided to stay with him. He cheated on my mom one time, after 3 boys and 10 years of marriage and she divorced him. You could say both women made or are making the best decision for them. I guess I’m more like my mom in that If i can’t trust you, I gotta go. I don’t have to hate you but we just can’t be in a relationship.
But people gotta stop calling infidelity a slip up or mistake or accident. That shit is ALWAYS planned which makes it worse in my book.
Ok, fine since we’re doing the semantics thing here we go…
There is no such thing as a “slip up.” You don’t accidentally put your dick in someone. You made a deliberate choice to ignore the social contract of your relationship. Should there be some consequence for your actions? Absolutely. You should be held accountable in some way, on that we agree. However, the magnitude of those consequences is what we’re debating. That being said, I stand by my position.
PS: You definitely Ronald Reaganed me with “There you go again…” the politics nerd in me loved it lol.
Honestly, I’m not debating what the consequences should be for everyone else. I acknowledge that it’s different from person to person. I was speaking of myself. Once is more than enough for me to end it all. Some dudes don’t mind being the Hillary Clinton of the black gay community. No thanks.
BTW. I’m still voting for her. LOL
I would have to agree with Ocky on this one. If as a man, you give your word and make a commitment then you should stick to it. A man’s word is his bond after all.
If one feels like they can no longer continue the commitment then they should sever it gracefully and without drama i.e. be single rather than cheat on your partner.
While I’m not opposed to forgiveness,there’s not such thing as a “slip up” when it comes to sex, as Ocky stated, its a conscious act among two people who know what they’re doing. I’ll go even further as to say that one shouldn’t even be putting themselves into situations to where they think they will cheat.One knows when they’re giving too much time and too much attention to someone who is not their partner and should consciously make an effort to stop if they’re prone to such acts as cheating.
Having this type of mindset keeps things easy and simple which equals no drama. If this is not you or your partners mindset…again its simple, you shouldn’t be together.
Unnecessary drama is amazing.
Early on,if you notice him doing something that you feel is innapropite,like friends getting to comfortable with him,say it.Sometimes people feel like anything that’s not sex isn’t a violation.Let him know it is,or potentially will be , a problem and give him the chance to work on adjusting his behavior.Cheating is too much of a deal-breaker for me though.Even if I fogive , I can never get as close to someone who’s damaged my trust (in any way) as I was before.
TL;DR: I’m not gonna flip out seeing some guy talking to you in the corner of the room, but you should squash things if he’s clearly disrespectful. Trust is earned and not given. It’s very hard to rebuild after it’s been broken.
—
I could tolerate a boyfriend finding someone else attractive. Hell, I may think he’s hot too. If we are both talking about it then I’m okay with that because I’m also finding other guys attractive, physically, but that doesn’t mean I want to get their number and meet up with them later. Don’t turn your attraction into a thing by pursuing this person. It’s okay to check out other dudes for me. Just don’t be swapping numbers and texting and meeting and we are good.
I’m okay if you have new friends but when things start to get suspicious when plans are made with new people but those plans don’t include me and he knows you have boyfriend…red flags. Especially if I know you have a core group of friends you always hang out with and you talked about them early on when we were getting to know each other but now you’ve met Steve and you spending a lot of time with him. That’s…odd.
In my age group, you know when stuff is leading up to something bigger. Now, a 23 year old may have a little naivety behind some game but these dudes 35+ know good and well when shit starts going into the direction of ‘we gonna fuck/Imma try to fuck him’. I don’t see any room for physical ‘slip ups’ in my demographic. You know good and gawt damned well what you are doing at this point. Don’t play. Yet, guys in my group do it all the time and feed into stuff.
I’m not the type to get jealous if some dude is talking to you at the club or party because you are going home with me. I’ll check in from a far every so often and if I think things are going on for too long, I’ll step in. However, you should also know how to stop drama from starting in the first place. I’d expect my BF to handle themselves appropriately by making it clear that they are booed up already and that they are not going to react to someone else’s advances. I should not have to get involved to break something up, but I will. But I’m not going to helicopter over you at the party because we should be mingling together and separately. It’s really irritating when I see couples who seem attached at the hip the whole time.
I’m not going to go though a phone, tablet, Facebook, or browser history as all that stuff that’s there, if there is anything at all, will surface. I don’t have time to babysit trusting someone. That’s stressful.
However, if you have sex with someone else other than me and I find out, we have a serious problem because you’ve put me at risk to catch whatever the hell that person may have. That’s going to be a very hard thing for me to get over, even if I’m free of anything. Mainly because I’m going to be thinking why you couldn’t talk to me about your lack of whatever in the bedroom or what was it about this guy that made you want to put at risk what we had. What made it worth the risk? Was it more of an emotional connection than physical? Was it some attention you were not getting from me? Was it really just because you wanted a nut at that moment?
I’m not saying I could never get over it, but it would take a lot of time and things may never be quite the same. There is an enormous amount of effort that goes into rebuilding a broken trust.
But I will say this, don’t ever tell someone you are over it fully if you know deep down you are not because some people will bring up something that happened fiftyleven years ago that you haven’t heard anything about since then, in an argument about something entirely separate from the current argument. Don’t forgive someone today, only to turn around and use it as a weapon tomorrow.
As @blackguyexective said, ” the moment when I can no longer visualize a future ” we gotta part. If things are at this point, there’s not reason for me to continue it further. And this may not even be about a trust bond. It could just be we have grown too far a part and there’s nothing that’s going to recover it.
Everyone has different thresholds for what they will tolerate. For me, flirting is not a deal breaker in the relationship. Texting – depending on the content of the conversation – may not be a deal breaker either. Cheating is where the final straw would be for me. I think there are other factors that must be considered in all of these scenarios though…
1. What length of time does one consider the relationship being “long term?” As I have heard it stated numerous times, making it 6 months in this lifestyle is damn near married.
2. What is the root/cause of the flirting, texting, and/or cheating? If the person was a flirt or a cheater prior to the relationship, then can you really expect to for them to repent from their wicked ways so easily? There is something to be said for looking deep before you leap.
For me, in any of the scenarios and being the confrontational dude that I am, I would have a serious conversation about why any of this occurs – IF I truly love the person I am involved with. Now, my decision to walk away or nah might have already been made, but if it is something that I am not doing or providing in the relationship, I would like the opportunity to fix it – IF I truly love the person I am involved with. I don’t condone cheating – emotional or physical, but there is something deeper that needs to be dealt with. It may be within the relationship or it may be with that individual person.
Again, I think my final straw would be cheating…
If you have sex with someone else, the relationship is done for me. The person has crossed the line of no return. I’m a really loyal dude but once I’ve lost trust in you there’s no more relationship.
eh…live and let live
I’m a die hard romantic. If you’re my soulmate, you shouldn’t need anyone else’s attention. And if you think someone out there is better for you, kick bricks. I’m a prize, not an option.
Men are pretty territorial by nature. And if we got something on lock, we do everything but cock our leg and piss on it to let everybody else know to fall back. I remember I was at a house party my friend invited me to and saw a dude that I met previously. I met this particular dude at a party at his own house. His boyfriend has an alpha male personality and is pretty social. After some light convo with the both of them, we found out his boyfriend and I were from the same city. Not long after that, we started socializing with other guests at the party. Didn’t think twice about it really.
So back to the exchange with his boyfriend at that subsequent party I mentioned earlier. I greet him with some familiarity, but I notice he’s a little formal. I ask him how things are going, he says good. I ask him how things were going with his boyfriend’s career. That’s when I noticed he got visibly agitated. His response was pretty unwarranted and was something along the lines of, “He aight! Why the fuck you worried about that tho?!” After that exchange, I wrapped that up real quick and moved on. The only thing it made me think was that he was either insecure in their relationship or that he suspected his dude of cheating. Or maybe he had cheated before. Whatever it was, I just kept it pushin. I didn’t think I was obligated to relieve him of his fears or suspicions.
I’m not really the jealous type. I’m quite the optimist. Your “trust glass” starts full with me. Not the alternate. I wouldn’t date you if I didn’t think you were decent enough to at least start with my trust. It’s up to you to keep it full, and if you take sips, you need to fill it back up. If it stays full, great, but add a few ice cubes from time to time so I know you still care about how I feel.
Cheating for me is not expected, per se, but I know a slip up is feasible WITH ANY MAN. For me, IF it happens, genuine regret and rebuilding must be in order or I’ve been known to easily walk away. Once can be forgiven if I feel as though other aspects of our relationship are genuine and solid, but more than once is a no-no and a deal breaker.
All of the above! Not trying to hear ANY bs. U either ride for/with me, or u fail…
Honestly, sex(either oral or otherwise-head is still sex) would probably do it in(if I were in a new relationship or something). But..if it is a long term relationship then you have been together a while, so I have to say probably. Never say never. There could be some really really extraodinary extenuating circumstances or something. Again you just never know..probably that would be the end of things though. Probably. The other stuff?
-so what if someone sends him some flirty or explicit texts or pics? Doesn't mean he asked for them, and maybe he has not deleted them yet… Maybe he kept them so he could show you and you could see them too? Depends.
-So what if he flirts-there is harmless flirting and guess what? Everyone does it to some extent…even just a little…no matter who they are. It can be minor complimenting, giving one or receiving some, just minor stuff. So what? That is human nature and it does not necessarily mean a damn thing, except that you are probably insecure with yourself or your relationship.
-The most important things that usually break up relationships is does not even regard any of this.
-This starts dating in the title, but ends with 'your long term relationship'. It is one or the other, can't be both at the same time. I went with the latter since it ended with that.
*'Nevermind that I’m just a friendly, affable, sociable guy who likes to meet new people'-that is the problem-they see that too and think, 'so why is he still single'? and get suspicious in all kinds of ways.
:foxxxy:
*someone(@alton ) has to do a breakdown of what the guy without the shirt under the DRAMA section is saying to the other guy! lol. It looks like "GWARL!!!!." would be part of it!
:heh:
And the award for most long-winded is not even a contest! Lol
lol…ok. Cheating-possibly.
my reasoning works different than others and I ask why would someone risk offering me a final straw.
I don't like drama but if there's two of you in a relationship and one is causing drama with their actions, I'm choosing the option not to engage in drama and disengaging from them.
If a dude isn't serious enough to respect reasonable relationship boundaries, then he ain't worth being with.
I'm not checking anyone's phone or personal space but keeping and letting someone send explicit texts / photos to you is not the actions of someone serious about the relationship.
Depends on the type and level of flirting.
Any kind of sex is a no go for me, if he hasn't gotten it out of his system before we settled down then he needs to be free to go do so.
If this is something that always happens then that sounds like something that you're doing or a vibe you're putting out and not being honest with yourself about.
If every time I talk to different people and they all comment that I look disinterested, then I look within and examine what I'm doing that everyone would feel that way.
In a new relationship, messing with other people is a complete deal-breaker. I don't have the time nor patience.
Long-term, it's hard to say.
This whole thread reminds me of my last serious relationship. I've really become a cynic in terms of how I view gay men…as most of us have.
I hate that I'm trapped into such a shady construct. It really sucks knowing that a good portion of men aren't shyt and this is the only thing you have to work with…
I sometimes wonder if I'll be single forever versus having to put up with common sense bullshyt.
So, my ex and I have become frielndly, again. 0 sexual interest. In my mind, we've known each other for sooo many years, why put energy into not being friendly, when we literally share the same friend circle?! So, it's ok for him to crack jokes on me, but I can't crack on how he was a shytty bf?!
I literally own my shyt, I can laugh and/or smh at myself, but I have a huge problem w ppl who lack humility. Gtf off the stage every once in a while!
A lot of time you can see the possible issues before they get to cheating or exchaning pics,but people ignore the signs. When someone cheats or crosses a line,it was typically brewing for a while already.You don't just slip up and cheat one day,there was a process of developing chemistry of some kind with the outside person,so you have a chance to nip it in the bud before you go too far.If you still do it ,it often means you didn't put up an effort to correct your behavior.
With a longer relationship,sometimes cheating is the product of other issues,so I say at least try to work on them first ( including venting your hurt and anger)before calling it quits.I know I have trouble rebuilding trust with people,so I probably would end it still just because I know I might never get over it,which might cause me to treat him unfairly,even if he never did it again.A trespass of that level would be too much for me.
I think when it comes to cheating or any of those type of shenanigans it depends on the "who", "what", "when", "where" and "why". However if a guy I'm interested in, talking to or dating asks me if I think cheating is okay or forgivable under any circumstances I always say no. Even though I think it could be, simply because I never want to put in their mind that they go make such a mistake come back and repent and it will all be gravy or have the potential to be all gravy lol. I feel in this day and age a relationship is not a requirement so yes as a man certain things should not be tolerated and you have you set boundaries at times in your relationships. To be honest when @Nick Delmacy said what if your guy is flirting with other guys at the club? To be frankly honest with you, I would even date a guy who frequents clubs that's strike one right there.
I just feel nothing good comes from those types of places. Dont get me wrong I like to have fun and all, but if you wanna pop, lock and drop it we can do it right at home in the living room. I just feel those places are filled with nothing but drama, and I've been to many different nightclubs through the years and observed the melee that would occur at these kinds of places before I decided it's not for me. Now I won't say it's bad to go, it's just not suitable for me. And i feel when in a relationship it's not a place you should be going. Dont get me wrong there's temptation everywhere but certain places have it stronger than others. And for the explicit photos? I would ask myself as to what kind of energy is he exuding to make that come his way? I just feel in life everything that happens to you, you either attract it or entertain it. A wise woman once told me what you feed will grow and what you starve will die. So if someone sends him explicit photos, I know he sent out some type of energy for that to be sent or entertained maybe way too much flirting that he shouldnt have. I dont believe in making excuses at all in life for anything.
*sigh* why is life so complicated? I hate complicated- I get it at work, I don't need it at home.
I'm gonna date and eventually marry someone who shares my values, and who isn't interested in dipping a finger or whole damn body into the "just checking" pool. Take that for what it is.
So, the final straw? Man, it depends on the situation and what's been going on. If you treat me the way you really wanna be treated- and we probably won't find out what that straw is.
The biggest thing is to first know what you want out of life, and forthrightly and explicitly state it to the potential guy. That way, everything is known up front. You can't get mad about "cheating" if you never exactly state what constitutes cheating to you. So, if you expect an exclusive relationship with no extracurricular texts, contacts, etc. let them know. If that doesn't bother you, ditto. In practice, I just check off my personal list of absolute "will not tolerate it" behavior and proceed from there (in my case, it's things like CP Time, "law enforcement issues" and treatment of others, but everyone's got their own items to check off and let them know up front). Everything else is negotiable, as I've given up trying to over-analyze and psychoanalyze potential-dude's every little tic and habit. Life is too short.
Boom. Nailed the hell outta this!
Seriously-what else is there to say? Communicate mofos!!! "I'm looking for x…are you interested in x?" "I really care about you…do you feel the same way?" "I don't think i can do y…can we talk about it?" This type of communication is scary- it can make you vulnerable but it frees you.
Thank you @Rico ! You saying this is so validating.
"If this is something that always happens then that sounds like something that you're doing or a vibe you're putting out and not being honest with yourself about…."
” class=”bbCodeImage LbImage” alt=”[IMG]” data-url=”” />
I'm with you. I look at any situation in a relationship under that lense, but I haven't found a combination of the "5W's and H" yet that would allow me to excuse cheating. And with the trust broken, I don't see how I could get over it. Pictures, texts, IMs… If I'm aware of it, I'm going to call the behavior out and the reaction I get from that "request" will influence how the rest of the relationship goes. I don't do drama in my relationships, be they friendly or romantic.