THE GAY FRIEND DELUSION Part One: “Friends With Exes”
It wasn’t until I met a guy that recently broke up with his boyfriend that I discovered how widespread this sickness is in the Gay “community”. The guy had a terrible, distrustful relationship yet he was determined to make sure that he and his Ex remained close friends afterward. Seriously.One could say that it was a one-time occurrence but many men since then have done the same or tell me that they are still really good friends with the guy that used to poke them in the booty-hole repeatedly.”Why?” I would ask.”If you share that much and get that close to a person,” they would respond. “You shouldn’t just cut it off like it never happened.”
I would smile, nod my head and say to them, “That’s Bullshit.”
But then you break up…yet remain close friends.
So now you have a person that you chill with, hang out with, eat with, drink with, laugh with, fight with, make up with, travel with and DON’T have sex with.
In essence, you haven’t broken up. You both are the same person. Everything you initially liked about the person must still be there if you still want to have them in your life as a friend. So basically you have not separated.
Anyone who says otherwise is basically saying that Sex is the main thing that makes a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be cordial with that person after a split or deny their very existence. I’m merely saying that the obsession many men have with maintaining a close relationship with an Ex is unhealthy for the development of new intimate relationships.
This seems to mainly be a Gay thing (from what I can see).
Can you imagine your father going out to dinner with your mother and inviting his Ex-Girlfriends as well? Or how about an Ex-wife that he doesn’t have children with? Or can you imagine a man having long, telephone convos and texting with his Ex while his girlfriend is in the next room? Or can you imagine a man going on a trip to Jamaica with his Ex…even if he brought his current girlfriend along?
The (correct) answer is “No” to all of the above.
Heterosexual Ex friendships do occasionally happen however they are very rare.
“You’re just projecting your own insecurities, Nick.”
“But I don’t look at him like that anymore.”
“You are not mature or fully developed enough as a person to understand the complexities of relationships.”
Like I said before, this does not include remaining casual friends. A person you can say hello to if you see him in the mall…or a person you can call up for the name of that restaurant you went to that one time.
I’m referring to the men who want to remain so close of friends with their Ex that they are basically still dating. The so-called “best friend” who they also used to be in love and have sex with.
1. They’re still in love with them (even just a little)
Whatever it was that attracted them in the first place still remains and they don’t want to let it go. Rarely is a break up mutual. One person usually breaks up with the other. In many of these “Best Friend Ex” situations, one guy is deep-down hoping that the other will finally come to their senses and take them back.
2. The Sex was good
I have met a LOT of ex-boyfriend couples that became “best friends” and they still mess around from time to time… For a lot of guys, these situations are a back-up plan for loneliness and horniness…”Break Glass in Case of Emergency”…Its like borrowing a car, at least you already know what under his “hood.”
3. They want to keep tabs on the dude
What better way to spy/stalk your Ex than to become his best friend?
4. The Ex has something they have grown accustomed to (usually material possessions)
Be it money…or a fancy car…or the perks of a particular job…or free airline/hotel tickets for traveling to Miami… Many of these men feel that remaining close friends is the best way to continue to have occasional access to these benefits.
5. They’re just not good at making real friends in general
If the only close friends these men can acquire are men that have had sexual relationships with them, this is a problem. Your penis is NOT the key that unlocks true friendship. Conversely, its possible to have a close friend that has not seen (or tasted) your booty-hole.
Fellas, its achievable, trust me. I have several men in my life that I consider extremely close friends and they’ve managed to get to that status without any sexual contact. So give it a shot…Close that old chapter in the book of your life.
You don’t have to completely cut that Ex guy out but at least extend the leash out a lot more so that you will become open and available to new friends and new experiences.
– Nick D
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