ATTENTION SINGLE GAY MEN: CUFFIN’ SEASON HAS BEGUN!
Props where its due: The blogging team over at The Unstoppable Toy Sldrs dropped a hilariously accurate calendar (embedded below) to mark the official end of Summer Single Status and the beginning of Relationship Cuffin’ Season.
With the upcoming release of the new DRAKE album, Nothing Was The Same, single men and women worldwide will be digging into their cell phone contacts and Facebook friends list to send “miss you” and “How you been?” messages to their lust targets and the ones that got away. Not only is this a guaranteed side effect to listening to any of emo rapper Drake’s songs, it’s also par for the course this cold weather time of year.
WINTER IS COMING
The hot summer months are almost behind us so its time to put on more layers of clothing and cuddle up with someone special to help pass the time spent bundled up indoors. Its time to get Cuffed Up.
This only works if you built up a good number of potentials over the summer and you now have their numbers saved in your phone. I’ve previously given a lot of good advice on how to do this in my article: Art of Seduction: The Top 12 Ways To Pick Up Gay/Bisexual Men of Color. Once you’ve handled that, you can make full use of the calendar.
The Official Cuffin’ Season Calendar is your guide to navigate and maneuver through the intricacies of securing a relationship in a hurry. While a lot of the advice in the calendar is tounge-in-cheek (for example: The term “Draking” is the act of drinking and caking at the same time. Late night text messages, phone calls, DMs, etc during late night hours while drunk. I’m so guilty of this.), a lot of what is listed here is spot on.
While the Game of Cuffs calendar was clearly written by and for heterosexuals, a lot of the satirical pointers apply to gay men as well.
CUFFIN’ SEASON CALENDAR HIGHLIGHTS
1. Beginning September 18th, you should have started sending “Good Morning” texts out to your list of potentials. As Toy Sldrs puts it: With Grand Theft Auto 5 dropping, it’s easy to become distracted…but you still need to show you’re interested.
2. Beginning October 2nd, beware of Charles & Charlene. According to Toy Sldrs, this is the period where the Thirst (aka lust) truly makes people competitive. Charles & Charlene refers to 3rd parties who see your keen cuffin’ efforts on your target and do all they can to throw salt in your game!
Example: “He hasn’t texted you all day? Maybe he isn’t as interested as you think.” Or they email you the link to this Cypher Avenue article: Classic Lies Gay Men Tell Each Other and Cypher Avenue’s Top 50 Quick Dating Tips for the New Year Part One and Part Two written by The King of all Haters, Nick Delmacy.
Watch out for these crabs!
3. Beginning October 25th, you should be sealing the deal with at least one of your potentials. If not, for the next two weeks you will have to up your Social Media thirst activity into overdrive. Send likes, comments, texts and smiley face emoticons into overdrive.
Once you’ve narrowed down your potentials to 2 or 3, make a final decision and seal the deal with convo that starts with: “I really like you and well…” “How do you feel about making this official…” “I don’t want to talk to anyone else…”
You may find yourself settling for a dude you don’t really want, but at least you’ll have a warm body next to you during the next few cold winter months.
4. Beginning November 15th, if nothing has jumped off with your potentials by this point, you’ve failed and you’re in the friend zone. Prepare for a cold lonely winter. At this point all of your efforts will just come off as desperate given that most people who would want a relationship would you typically would have secured it by Thanksgiving, the start of the relationship holidays.
Loneliness and sadness slowly settles in. The Marvins and Thirst Walkers come out in droves trying to break up new/old relationships in desperation. This continues all the way up until Valentine’s Day.
Once Spring/Summer rolls back around, many of those temporary relationships will wilt away allowing everyone to regroup and begin again from scratch and on equal ground.
THE UNSTOPPLABLE TOY SLDRS CUFFIN’ SEASON CALENDAR
(Click the image for full sized view)
See the full Toy Sldrs Cuffin’ Season article HERE.
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