In this edition of Be Cool and Take Our Advice, Cypher Avenue attempts to help a brother get out of the dreaded Friend Zone.
I’m a single man looking for a relationship but I’m afraid I’m permanently trapped in the friend zone. I’m a relatively good looking dude that’s in good shape. I have a good mind and consider myself generally fun to be around. I meet guys all the time and I try to build something and I am always left in the friend zone. I’ve grown up believing you should be friends first with your partner so I try to build a friendship, but I end up stuck there.
It doesn’t make it any better that the guys I go after always tell me that I’m a great guy and a great “friend.” I don’t have casual sex (unless I just have needs) so I don’t do the whole sleeping on the first night thing. In fact, I don’t do any intimacy with guys I like because I’m trying to get to know them. So how does someone looking for a relationship stay out of the friend zone?
Dear Friend Zone,
Why are you continuously being put in the friend zone box? I think there are two main reasons for this.
Reason One – Your dates may not find you sexually attractive.
No, I’m not saying you’re unattractive. Being attractive has nothing to do with someone being attracted to you. Your dates may think you’re attractive but may not find you sexy or attractive enough for exploring a relationship with you. Regardless if you’re (or the man you are interested in) holding off on sexual intimacy, intimacy (cuddling, touching, kissing, hugging) is still important. If these guys don’t even want non-sexual intimacy, there’s a problem. There are plenty of “friends” who still have benefits. Are you dating men in your range or men that you may consider “out of your league?” Most men want and date men similar to them. That whole “opposite attract” thing is only true for some.
Reason Two – You regulate yourself to the Friend Zone.
By your admission, you attempt to be their friend first. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but your intentions should be known from the beginning. Are you making it known that you are simply looking to be their friend or are you making it known that you are looking at them as a potential partner? Obviously these are not the same but how are you presenting yourself? If your goal is finding a potential partner, than dating should be treated as such and not dating to find friends. If you’re dating to find friends, than you’re sabotaging and regulating yourself to the friend zone. Could another reason this keeps happening is because subconsciously you may not really be ready for a relationship?
Something else to think about, how is your game and do you flirt with your dates? I don’t put my Mack Hat on and whisper sweet nothings when I’m attempting to be someone’s friend but that’s not true with dates. Again this falls in line with making your intentions known from the beginning. This doesn’t mean planning your wedding on the first date; however your date should have no confusions as to whether you’re single looking to mingle or single and looking to settle down.
If you’re stuck with the ideal of a fairy tale scenario like in the movies where…The guy who has been the friend the whole film eventually gets the girl; AFTER she is stood up on her wedding day and only THEN she realizes that her true love is the great guy who has been her friend all along…you need to come back to reality.
So what do you guys think? Why does this kat keeping ending up in the Friend Zone?