The ironic thing about it all is that I do self identify myself as a “Relationship Oriented” gay man. What that means is that I’d prefer to date a man as opposed to just being satisfied with hooking up with them anonymously for casual sex.
“Nick, How can you want a relationship yet believe that you will never fall in love? That is contradictory.”
To me, it’s unrelated. My desire for a relationship (or something similar to it) stems from my disdain for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) Hookups…which itself stems from my desire for intimate male companionship and an over exaggerated hypochondriac paranoia of Sexually Transmitted Infections.
So the consistency and companionship of an exclusive partner seems more ideal to my sensibility. However, if you are a single man like me that doesn’t like hookups, there are times when you battle the urge of giving in to the desire for a quick release.
You consider setting up an NSA encounter and quickly jumping into the shower to clean your unmentionables. You brave the gay cruising scene (websites/apps/clubs/bars) only to have your self-esteem tested to the fullest by multiple rejections. Lets say you do find a NSA partner, what happens next?
Many men tell me they feel LONELIER after a NSA hookup. Once they do the deed, they’re filled with anxiety and regret that they gave in to those inner desires just for a temporary nut (and possibly a permanent STD). At the end of it all, they’re back to where they started. So what is a relationship oriented man to do?
For some men, this is a non-issue. They see sex and just that: sex, nothing more. They will say that they know how to separate emotional attachment from sex and “just do the do.” Once the act is complete, they can move on to the next task as if the Hookup was just something to be checked off of a chores list.
Ironically, many of these people are the same people whom I posed the question, “Why Make Him Wait For Sex?” in relation to the men that they actually want to date.
I’m not one of those people that can view sex with another person as simple as a handshake or playing a game of basketball. Given the health risks through exchanging bodily fluids, I kinda want to know a little about the person before first.
One could argue that there are fewer risks if protection is used but I can’t remember a single occasion when a condom was used for Oral Sex. Not to mention that condoms do not prevent the spread of HPV, Crabs and the various strains of Herpes and Hepatitis (I already told you that I was medically paranoid).
Also, for some men there is a Religious aspect that makes Hookups not an option in that certain “values” prohibit them from casually screwing strangers.
Not at all. That’s boring. I’m already my own Fuck Buddy, and very good at it I must admit.
THE FUCK BUDDY SOLUTION
My understanding of Sex-Only relationships is that you have sex and a bit of superficial conversation then leave each others presence. This is a valid solution for some but not for me. The STD thing is still an issue here since you don’t know what he’s doing when he’s not doing you.
“Oh okay, Nick. You must want a Boyfriend then.”
Ugh, no…How Gay would THAT be? Seriously though, that’s a little too much. I can’t imagine looking to another man and calling him my “Boyfriend.“ Or even “Husband” for that matter. I have NO desire to get married or have a “civil union.”
THE BOYFRIEND SOLUTION
This takes us back to where we started. I don’t do the Love and/or Boyfriend thing. Plus as many have read in the Top 15 Reasons You’re Still Single, it’s damn near impossible to secure a fully exclusive long-term relationship nowadays (side note: Anything under 6 months is NOT a relationship, that’s still dating…so stop calling your three-month fling an “Ex”).
“Now you’re not making any sense, Nick. So you want to just be a masturbating Hermit, afraid of hypothetical STDs?”
While I’m not entirely opposed to that outcome, that is not the ideal goal. Most human beings seek companionship on some level.
THE BEST FRIEND SOLUTION
Some Gay men say they get all the companionship they need from their “Best Friend” but typically this individual is also an Ex-Boyfriend and/or someone they still occasionally have sex with after a few too many Patron shots. So if you have a recent Ex, go ahead and send him a text saying you want to “just be friends.”
Personally, I separate intimacy from friendships. I don’t have sex with my friends. I don’t tongue-kiss my friends. I don’t “innocently” cuddle with my friends in only my underwear. If you are in my friend-zone, that means just what it implies.
Unfortunately porn is simpler than ever to get nowadays. From Tumblr to XTube to MyVidster, free smut is easier to find than your current credit score. This can not only exacerbate friction burns; it can also encourage an addiction to porn and lessen a person’s drive to acquire a bona fide physical connection with another person. But this is the sure-fire way to back The Beast down. He hates nut, especially in his eyes, so jack-off and bust away.
– Nick D
How old are you, Nick D? I can empathize with the frustration you’re talking about though.
You nail it absolutely, yet again. I am thinking about what a difference it would make if more young (and not so young) men read what you write. Absolutely insightful.
So, what if you ultimately get the “relationship” you want. What if your not-boyfriend and you evolve into something more intimate and connected. What if he now want’s to be something along the lines of a “boyfriend” or “partner?” What then? Is that your cue to vacate–leaving both your happiness and his happiness in the wake? I guess my ultimate question is this, “Is your position on these issues in stone, or do you see yourself ever evolving into something else, or more???
When any relationship evolves into something that neither one or both of the people wants, generally there is a separation. This applies to a whole range to changes and situations, including your hypothetical scenario.
I think you’re not giving yourself a fair chance and I hope you see it very soon and do not find it out too late in life. This post felt very gloomy, not something that was just different. But….its part of growing to put it out there and maybe you can come back when it changes and see how far you have come.
Ballianne, your response is gloomier than the post. I have a great life and I’m just fine as is…and so are the many other men out there who would rather date than engage in anonymous “hookups.” That is the gist of the post. Not everyone wants what you want when it comes to life. This includes love, relationships, children, marriage, etc.
My post was not aimed at the random hookups and such. I myself do not believe in it. I do not walk around thinking everyone wants what I want in life. I realize there are many ways of living, but I also am not so blind as to think that my eyes can’t be opened to something I am missing or not seeing. You should understand that. You posted it to get the opinions of others, not instruct them that they need to understand you are just different than they are. If I think that there is something you are not considering or seeing, then that is what I think.
No don’t get me wrong, I welcome the opinion of others including yourself. And I’m free to respond to those opinions, which I did. I never implied that your post was invalid. I just countered your implication that my life was somehow missing something that I will realize later on. I’ve been this way since I was a teenager and met many other men who feel the same. This post was for them I guess. As if to say: It’s okay. I don’t want a “civil union” either.
Oh god Nick…in response to your fist sentence…You’re so full of cramp, I guarantee you will fall in love and that shit will be a hard fall for you, LOL. You’re a good dude with great attributes and eventually you will attract that same man to you…watch you will see…and then you will not be answering my calls on the weekend because you will be “hugged up” in a cabin… LMAO!
Ok, I have read what you are afraid of and how fearful you are of gay relationships and being identified as gay and how you are in conflict with your fear of being alone. How you are willing to take from this community and ask for our support even though you really don’t identify with gay, but I didn;t read anything about your courage. I did not read anthing about you at least working on having the courage not to messover other men until you find your way. I did not read anthing about your courage to try and overcome your fears and work toward establishing a viable healthy relationship. Unfortunately, you are destined to remain isolated in a room without windows, light, love or spirit. Instead of working on perfecting this emtpty room you are buying into, you might want to work on your courage.
MN
You call it an “empty room”, I call is a room full of caring people in which I still have my space. Not everyone needs/wants a relationship. Not everyone needs/wants to be an “Out, courageous gay man.” I’m open to new experiences, but I’m also perfectly content with my life. Just because someone is not experiencing happiness by your definition of it, DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE UNHAPPY. lol
I have much to say on this topic, and I will get back to you all on this. Suffice it to say as we get older close intimate companionship becomes more important than anything we have going on in our lives. Don’t be so naive as to how important companionship is very important to us and for us as we age
I share some of his thoughts. I am 42 and I have ended my journey to find my soulmate. However, I am still going out on dates and having safe, clean adult fun. I have decided to stop using so much energy to find someone and divert that energy to things that will give me better and more rewarding physical and emotional outcomes.
Man I’m sorry but I gotta call BS on this one. Unfortunately I think you are in good company; lots of dudes feel this way. But then again those people have interesting views on what a “relationship” is. I can’t help but think you’re a bit of a provocateur or bitter (I’ve been wrong plenty of times before). You’re self identifying as “relationship oriented” just isn’t sensible based on whats here. A true relationship/ companion for life is a challenge that, according to your words, you don’t seem to be up for.
Nick closes his “expose'” with the oxymoron “So until that impossible goal is met again,”… What is an impossible goal? If you have told yourself that the “goal” is impossible does that mean that you are really trying to do all you can do to achieve it? To obtain it? If you believe it is “IMPOSSIBLE,” then you have basically already told yourself that I am not going to be able to [ever] meet this deeply desired objective – a relationship. You are being self-defeating from the outset. Part of obtaining a goal is believing that you can do it. I find no other way to obtain if you don’t believe you can do it yourself. Please rethink what your true objective is.
Maybe Im missing something,but isnt someone you connect with and have sex with your partner despite the term not being used?To say you won’t be in love seems like trying to control the uncontrollable,almost like saying “I will never let myself be attracted to anyone again”.
This isn’t an attack on your post I just don’t fully understand it
Well i love the power to be able to make a choice in life as a human being, whether to belong to category 1) of Guys who consider themselves Relationship Oriented and feel conflicted when facing the temptation to engage in a NSA hookup to release sexual needs.(Which I am any way) or 2) Guys who are not interested in being anyone’s “boyfriend” or “husband. Trust me category 2 if a very disturbed one, either too frustrated to love again or too selfish to share themselves with anyone else in this world.
Nick, you say that you want “loneliness insurance” and that you want “a person to share dope conversations, companionship and sex with.” That sounds kinda like a relationship to me, despite your fear of being called “boyfriend” by another grown ass man lol. It sounds to me that you (like all of us) are still learning to accept yourself completely as a gay man who desires male companionship. We all have a lot of work to do given the damage society has done to us as gay men. For many of us, the idea that there is something wrong with being gay/having a relationship with another man has been reinforced (if not explicitly, then implicitly) since childhood, and it can easily take more than a few years of being an “out” or a “sorta out” gay men to undo this thinking.
Nah I’m very comfortable with being gay…I mean, I run a gay website giving advice to other gay men. If you’ve ever dated women then you would kinda know what I mean by wanting companionship without the “boyfriend” titles, expectations, etc.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback…welcome to the Ave.
Thanks for the welcome, Nick! I disagree that running “a gay website giving advice to other gay men” is proof in and of itself of being completely comfortable with being a gay man. I can think of a number of reasons why this is not the case, but I won’t go into that here. I don’t understand what you’re getting at in the second sentence of your reply.
Nice job with the website!
I agree with your comments here, Rosklar.
I hear it is especially challenging for (American) black gay men to come to terms with their sexual orientation. That’s right — “I hear” — I stumbled upon this website while searching the web for discussion about “relationship oriented” versus other types of gay (and bi) men. I see that this is a website mainly devoted to black gay men. But I chimed in (as a white man) anyway. I hope that’s okay.
I have a great fondness for black men, actually, because most of the black men have known are very big-hearted people.
American black gay men have had an extra layer of oppression to contend with, generally — that of being a “racial minority” and of being gay — and in the context of an American black culture which is even more homophobic than the non-black communities, generally. So my heart goes out to all of you guys.
Nick, I swear you’re confusing the hell outta me man. I was just commenting to Ocky on the Live Podcast comments section about how I’ve listened to you guys for a while before jumping into the conversation and how I’m trying to figure out the whole dating masculine men thing and then I stumble on this post tonight and you’re saying you don’t want a boyfriend. I swear in one of your podcasts, you told Ocky you wanted to get married. So are you confused because those are two totally different mindsets.
I was expressing my frustration with trying to figure out masculine men who are uncomfortable with being romantic in relationships and who aren’t sure if they want true intimacy or not. You confused me Nick. Has your opinion changed or did you forget that you said you wanted to get married in that podcast old man? LOL. Help me out here.
This really opened my eyes about myself. After a random hookup i feel like the lowest of all lows. Then after i try to justify the hook up.
Hi Nick.
The opening paragraph is pretty telling. Especially the opening sentence. “I’ll start off by saying this: I’ll never fall in love with another man.” Especially that one word, “another”. It implies you’ve fallen in love with a man in the past, and don’t want to go there again.
That you’ve been in love with a man before suggests that this capacity — and probably the desire or need for such love — is still within you, albeit rather buried down deep.
I also detect a fair bit of internalized homophobia in your words, which I suspect may be a root issue here.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay not to fall in love and to have companions which are more like a blend or hybrid of friend and “lover”. I have no problem with that. But I think we both know that sex with someone we love, and who loves us, is about a thousand times more fulfilling than anything alternative to that.
I’d encourage you to really dig in and explore your internalized homophobia. How you do that is up to you — whether in a men’s group, in “therapy”…, whatever. But it does help to have another, or others, to support and encourage you as you go down into the darker places in the psyche.