Relationship Oriented VS Hookups: Fighting the Beast Within
The ironic thing about it all is that I do self identify myself as a “Relationship Oriented” gay man. What that means is that I’d prefer to date a man as opposed to just being satisfied with hooking up with them anonymously for casual sex.
“Nick, How can you want a relationship yet believe that you will never fall in love? That is contradictory.”
To me, it’s unrelated. My desire for a relationship (or something similar to it) stems from my disdain for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) Hookups…which itself stems from my desire for intimate male companionship and an over exaggerated hypochondriac paranoia of Sexually Transmitted Infections.
So the consistency and companionship of an exclusive partner seems more ideal to my sensibility. However, if you are a single man like me that doesn’t like hookups, there are times when you battle the urge of giving in to the desire for a quick release.
You consider setting up an NSA encounter and quickly jumping into the shower to clean your unmentionables. You brave the gay cruising scene (websites/apps/clubs/bars) only to have your self-esteem tested to the fullest by multiple rejections. Lets say you do find a NSA partner, what happens next?
Many men tell me they feel LONELIER after a NSA hookup. Once they do the deed, they’re filled with anxiety and regret that they gave in to those inner desires just for a temporary nut (and possibly a permanent STD). At the end of it all, they’re back to where they started. So what is a relationship oriented man to do?
For some men, this is a non-issue. They see sex and just that: sex, nothing more. They will say that they know how to separate emotional attachment from sex and “just do the do.” Once the act is complete, they can move on to the next task as if the Hookup was just something to be checked off of a chores list.
Ironically, many of these people are the same people whom I posed the question, “Why Make Him Wait For Sex?” in relation to the men that they actually want to date.
I’m not one of those people that can view sex with another person as simple as a handshake or playing a game of basketball. Given the health risks through exchanging bodily fluids, I kinda want to know a little about the person before first.
One could argue that there are fewer risks if protection is used but I can’t remember a single occasion when a condom was used for Oral Sex. Not to mention that condoms do not prevent the spread of HPV, Crabs and the various strains of Herpes and Hepatitis (I already told you that I was medically paranoid).
Also, for some men there is a Religious aspect that makes Hookups not an option in that certain “values” prohibit them from casually screwing strangers.
Not at all. That’s boring. I’m already my own Fuck Buddy, and very good at it I must admit.
THE FUCK BUDDY SOLUTION
My understanding of Sex-Only relationships is that you have sex and a bit of superficial conversation then leave each others presence. This is a valid solution for some but not for me. The STD thing is still an issue here since you don’t know what he’s doing when he’s not doing you.
“Oh okay, Nick. You must want a Boyfriend then.”
Ugh, no…How Gay would THAT be? Seriously though, that’s a little too much. I can’t imagine looking to another man and calling him my “Boyfriend.“ Or even “Husband” for that matter. I have NO desire to get married or have a “civil union.”
THE BOYFRIEND SOLUTION
This takes us back to where we started. I don’t do the Love and/or Boyfriend thing. Plus as many have read in the Top 15 Reasons You’re Still Single, it’s damn near impossible to secure a fully exclusive long-term relationship nowadays (side note: Anything under 6 months is NOT a relationship, that’s still dating…so stop calling your three-month fling an “Ex”).
“Now you’re not making any sense, Nick. So you want to just be a masturbating Hermit, afraid of hypothetical STDs?”
While I’m not entirely opposed to that outcome, that is not the ideal goal. Most human beings seek companionship on some level.
THE BEST FRIEND SOLUTION
Some Gay men say they get all the companionship they need from their “Best Friend” but typically this individual is also an Ex-Boyfriend and/or someone they still occasionally have sex with after a few too many Patron shots. So if you have a recent Ex, go ahead and send him a text saying you want to “just be friends.”
Personally, I separate intimacy from friendships. I don’t have sex with my friends. I don’t tongue-kiss my friends. I don’t “innocently” cuddle with my friends in only my underwear. If you are in my friend-zone, that means just what it implies.
Unfortunately porn is simpler than ever to get nowadays. From Tumblr to XTube to MyVidster, free smut is easier to find than your current credit score. This can not only exacerbate friction burns; it can also encourage an addiction to porn and lessen a person’s drive to acquire a bona fide physical connection with another person. But this is the sure-fire way to back The Beast down. He hates nut, especially in his eyes, so jack-off and bust away.
– Nick D
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